newsflash

I'm pretty pleased with my weekend. It feels good to cross out, one by one, each item on the LONG list of homework I wrote up. I'm still going, but the steady pace I'm at is heartening. And in the midst of all that, I found time to watch Hunter X Hunter };-) Nyehehe. In Chinese some more. Learning Chinese this way is fun!

Anyway, this backlog of homework and study came partly from House Concert rehearsals, and partly doing stuff for the boarders' committee. But, good news - Stirling won House Concerts! Everyone was really happy (everyone in Stirling at least), especially since we had a particularly bad run last year.

In other news, I FINALLY got my SAT 1 results. Verbal: 730 and Math: 680. The scores were a significant improvement from the practice tests I did, but I don't think it's good enough. TP how did you get 780 for Math you freak! =) Sigh, to resit or not to resit.

A little late this bit, but I'll say it anyway. Twilight Picnic this year was rather enjoyable, and the cool, refreshing weather helped lots. I think it's because it wasn't so dowdy and old-fashioned this year, and more geared towards the senior students as they brought in a Scotchie rock band and a mass dance session (where you danced to songs like YMCA and Macarena and the like) but it was good break from work. I'll post pictures up once I get them off my friend. =)

please...help me...

I'm slipping. Slipping beyond my control into an abyss of ugliness, backbiting and mistrust. After fighting a whole year to keep my precarious balance atop the fence of neutrality, I feel myself grasping desperately to hold on. This whole boarding house experience, perhaps it would be significant to say, this whole girls' boarding house experience, might just be eating me up from the inside if I'm not careful. And maybe the process has started already. I beg you, give me the strength to leave this place alive, unscathed, this sometimes vicious place.

Perhaps it's the fact that everyone's just living in such close proximity all day all the time that you eventually begin to grate against each others' nerves, and seeds of insecurity and paranoia are sown in the hearts of those you once called your friends. It's terrifying, to see the ominous and steady decay of the sweet side of human nature, and watch, in mute despair, the hypocritical breaking and forming of new alliances, and in its wake, new enemies.

I've been lucky enough to keep myself at a safe distance all this time, keeping myself as far away as possible from the politics that chip away and crack the foundation of a community forced to live together. It's amazingly difficult to try and keep on everyone's good side and be sociable at the same time. Friendship is a progressive thing. The further you get along with it, the smaller the gap between two people becomes. But for me, sometimes, it's a little too close for comfort.

Suddenly you find yourself caught in the middle of a backbiting session, of which you had no part of and want to be no part of. Suddenly you find yourself hearing cold, vindictive words directed at another, while you bow your head and stare into blankness, trying to unhear all you did. Suddenly, you find yourself wanting to wash out your eyes, wash out your ears and scream, "Why does it have to be so ugly? Why must we put up such a horrible show of pretense?" It's awful to think of those people being talked about, or those being blatantly treated with ugliness and it's awful to think, that simply by being at the wrong place at the wrong time, you could be misunderstood as being a part of it all.

It's ugly ugly ugly >_< !!! What can I do but seek constant refuge in my room, my sanctuary, and close my eyes and ears and mouth and wait for it all to pass? When will it all pass? When will I see the beauty again?

Incidentally, Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Atlas Shrugged

During the holidays, I read a book called Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Its ideology of individualism appealed to me, and I could relate to the heroes Ayn Rand wrote about - man as he ideally should be. It talked about self-centeredness (the negative connotations attached to it in real life is misleading), pertaining to how one should live life to seek one’s own happiness, and how life should be fair trade, you receive only as much as you give and vice versa, and there was no question of sacrifice for the sake of society’s morals, propriety, or tradition, or social norms, or family ties, or any other reason like that. It also said how everything you had should be earned and deserved.

I guess the underlying theme of the book was summed up in this statement that Ayn Rand’s heroes lived by and tried to execute in a world of hypocrisy and favours and groveling men.

I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will not live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

I argued to myself that this was a fair enough proposition. I liked what I read. Could it be possible though, for society to function by that statement? It’s hard debating with oneself, so I’m eagerly awaiting an opportunity to discuss the book with someone. But I’m digressing.

Why I started this off is because, recently, something happened to make me ponder, how, as much as I liked this ideology, it was harder than I thought to live by it. I’m only speaking on a personal level, and a different person with a completely different character would probably have not been caught in this ‘dilemma’ at all. Either way, recently, I found myself making a decision for the sake of someone else, a decision which made me unhappy, a decision which was made at my expense, yet, it was a decision I felt obliged and compelled to make.

The effects of that choice will, I’m sure, not keep me unhappy for long, for I make decisions and quickly move on. Many a precious moment is wasted regretting the past. But the fact is, at that instant, I was upset. Why, I asked myself, did I compromise my happiness for this person? I found myself answering, because she has more need than me. Because from a moralistic point of view, it’s a slight inconvenience to me but a big difference in improving her life, allegedly. Because, it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.

Whose ‘right’? Whose morals? Have I compromised my own? I think, my nature has put me in a catch-22. On one hand, I could not bring myself to deny this person her pleading request, for if I did, I would have felt bad. In retrospect, I think I can safely say, I would go and have gone, many a time, to great lengths to ensure someone else’s convenience or happiness, at the expense of my own. There has always been a reprimanding voice in my head going, “You shouldn’t be so selfish!” whenever I chanced upon the thought “What about me?”

But then again, I always feel, what I’ve compromised in the many instances past have been relatively petty issues, issues that weren’t very significant on a grander scale of things. I’d probably play a different tune if that decision affected me to a greater extent (like giving away food till I starve to death for example).

On the other hand, after making that decision (as grudgingly as grudging gets), I was unhappy. I really didn’t want to do it, but I really couldn’t bring myself to say no either (it felt too evil, too cruel). My morals tell me I should help someone who’s more in need than me, even though I lose a little at the end. My happiness with status quo tells me, why lose that little at all?

I see no immediate solution to my catch-22. Perhaps one day, I’ll harden enough to be able to say No when I really want No, and not feel so horribly bad about it. I guess the choice is between compromising my morals or my happiness. And I believe, (unfortunately?) the scale is tipped in favour of the idea of ‘noble’ sacrifice – not because I seek nobleness or martyrdom or awe and unending gratitude at a sacrifice, but because I cannot bring myself to do otherwise.

I wonder when I’ll be able to pick up the statement I quoted above. I wonder if I ever will. But now, having been put to the test, I simply couldn’t shrug it off the way Atlas did.

5 more minutes...

While I wait in the com room till it's the exact time for me to leave school so I can be fashionably late *deep breath*, let me tell you about what I'll be doing for House Concerts this year. The theme for 2005 is "Cliches in Life" and the house captains have chose "The stuff dreams are made of" as our central cliche. It's about a girl who wants to join the circus, and after some conflict with her parents, finally manages to fulfil her lifelong dream of becoming a clown.

I play the love interest, Salvatore, a clown and the son of the ringmaster, who is sorta geeky, shy-ish, but opens up around the girl. It's love at first sight and a very dramatic moment when we first meet. And that's about it. It's been rehearsals everyday, and apparently I'm in music now and have a double rehearsal on Saturday. Meantime, having killed the spare 5 minutes with an insignificant update, I shall skip off to school...happy holidays guys!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!

Happy Chinese New Year guys! Went for dinner at my guardian's place last night, oh....it was SO GOOD. And...I got my first, and probably last, ang pow of the year! So happy! Anyway, the BH is doing something special this year, apparently. Woke up this morning to a breakfast of porridge, and four bowls filled with chilli, spring onions, tofu and fried onions. I was mildly impressed. It could have been better, but good effort nonetheless. I can't wait for dinner tonight. We have a 10 course Chinese banquet or something, they put up the menu for us, and it really looked good. Sushi, Peking duck thingies, chicken, fried rice etc etc...I hope it won't disappoint. Hehe!

Woohoo!!

WHAT A NIGHT! YEAHHHH!! Boarder's Idol has just ended, and my throat is sore from all the cheering and emcee-ing, but woohoo! It was a smashing success! Worth all the lost hours of long overdue homework, worth all the effort and running around, organizing the event, getting people together, rehearsing, it was worth it all! We are just the COOLEST Boarding House committtee! The staff/judges were great, modelled after American Idol's famous three, and Mrs. Knee, one of our sweetest BH staff did an AMAZINGLY accurate and convincing impersonation of mean, snappy Simon. The crowd was enthusiastic, a lot of cheering and screaming and fantastic performances put up tonight. *sighs contentedly* Just the way it should be. Minnie and I had a great time co-hosting the event, and Minnie being Minnie, had the crowd going with her hilarious one-liners and great smile. =) Looks like this is set to become a annual instalment in the Boarders' Weekend from now on!

You've got mail!

I've got mail! Wahahahahah! Everyday, doggedly checking the snail mail table even though I know I won't get any (because all correspondence usually comes through the internet), but oh the sweet sweet joy of finally receiving one!! Thank youuuuuu Allan, for making my day... *sob, this is quite overwhelming. =)

At last, first week of school is over. It's been a pretty good week, and for some reason, everyone's like real hyper, laughing (...and *ahem, blaspheming ;-) all day. I don't think I've ever ended a school day without some session of hysterical laughter with Connie, Rach and BAditi. Sigh...them good times. =)