I've known I've had cancer for just over a year now. I think I wrote a post several months ago on the 5 stages of grief that, really, applies to anyone in ANY kind of traumatic situation.
Stage one: Denial. I went through that, but it lasted about 2 minutes considering there were about ten different doctors/radiologists/neurologists telling me there was a large mass on my brain that they believed to be malignant due to the way it lit up when x-rayed with contrast. My only "denial" was the "why me?, this can't be happening, nooooo" I was screaming into Matt's chest or into the phone at Jess through tears.
Stage Two: Anger. Yep. Felt that too. Not angry at Heavenly Father, I promise, but I felt angry that I have to deal with this. I felt angry at myself. It might sound weird, but I feel like we chose our trials in the preexistence and this is just typical me. I always take on too much. Say yes to everyone. Such an over-achiever. So lame.
Stage Three: Bargaining. Praying to Heavenly Father and telling Him that "I promise I will never miss another day of church again (or something like that) if He will take my cancer away." Not going to happen. It just doesn't work that way.
Stage Four: Depression. This is the stage where I got a lot of work done. I wouldn't say I was in your classic depression mode. I was more panicked and anxious than anything else, but those two words fall under the umbrella of depression. The bulk of my depression was during radiation. If you are close to me and talk to me often, you know, radiation is a 4 letter word. The worst, most horrific time of my life by far.
It was bad, but it fueled a lot of where I am today and for that I am thankful. Since I was so weak, I spent most of my time in bed and did research. I read websites, articles, books, blogs, emails, basically anything I could get my eyes on to find out as much as I could about my cancer and, more importantly, what I was going to do AFTER I was done with the standard traditional treatment (surgery, radiation and 1 year of chemo.)
One big change that happened, right off the bat, during my research was that I became a vegan. I am unsure if it was psychological or that meat, dairy and eggs were, in fact, contributing to the cancer in my body (many people argue that they do cause cancer), but I do know, I don't like the taste of those products anymore, do not miss them, dropped 20 pounds quickly and have kept it off and feel better not eating any of that stuff. Am I telling you to stop eating animal products? No, but it has worked for me.
The first change was food and that was only the beginning. I have opened the door to all natural (we are talking homemade, not products that say "all natural" on the bottle) as I venture into this new lifestyle. It is slow and hard. This world has changed so much and it is almost impossible to find anything at a grocery store that is 100% safe to go inside your body.
Okay, I have cancer, is it too late to even try and change anything? Maybe, but I can't think like that. Cancer is like an epidemic these days. Everyone is getting it, no one is immune. Hopefully a cure will come soon. Hopefully a cure will save my life. In the meantime, I have to do something.
Matt and I have spent a lot of time on our knees asking our Heavenly Father what to do next and feel really good about "round 2" of operation beat brain cancer. I'm going the natural route. I have, basically, exhausted my resources with traditional medicine. I did everything they told me too. I believe in everything I've done. My doctor still looked me in the face and told me I have 3-5 years to live. I don't believe this, I won't believe this, but it makes me sad that he didn't add in: "but we know you'll make it longer." Nothing. My other 2 doctors did say they thought I'd live longer, but nothing from my neuro-surgeon.
I spoke to my neuro-oncologist and told her we wanted to go the naturopathic route in addition to traditional medicine and she was very receptive. She even referred me to a doctor she highly recommended certified in natural medicine.
My appointment went really well. He wants exactly what I want--the best of both medicines! He said there should be no reason why someone shouldn't use both to compliment each other. He also guaranteed me he would shrink my tumor more than it already is. We are thrilled! Anyone familiar with natural cancer protocols will know about "vitamin c infusions." I will be getting my first infusion on October 1. I'm nervous/excited. Bring it on. My doc said these infusions do amazing things for my immune system. Should be cool.
Finally Stage 5: Acceptance. Trying to get there. To put this in perspective, if you were to lose a spouse, they say it takes, on average, 5-10 years to fully get over the loss. I accept that I have cancer. I do not accept that I am going to die soon. I do accept that God has a plan for me and my family. That is a massive pill to swallow and is so painful because I have been that child looking at my mother lying in a casket.
I cannot imagine my children having that pain. I hate being the mom with cancer that might leave them behind. It's messy and hard. I'm trying to accept this all because, as you know, it DID work out for me. I'm happy. I'm in love with my husband and our 5 children and we have built a successful life together. I did it without a mom. I will be with her again because of the Gospel. My children will be with me again.
SO, nature vs. medicine? I say both and hopefully that will keep me around a long time.
