Media and the iGen

Have you heard of the iGen? It is considered the generation born between 1995 and 2012. The generation that has never known life without the internet or the iPhone. These are my kids...not that any of them have an iPhone, but they are growing up with the expectation that they will have one someday. I love the iPhone. I have easy access to information, maps, weather, music, movies, LDS tools and library, instagram, etc. I'm not into games but I usually will keep one on my phone for a kid if we are in a sticky situation. That being said, at home we have a TV, but no cable, and we usually just stream Netflix or Amazon. We don't watch it during meals, or when we are working to clean house or just for background noise. We don't use phones at the dinner table, nor at restaurants. We have never been big into the screen however, we recently invested in some inexpensive Kindle Fire's for the kids as they are now preferring to watch completely different shows or play games instead. We placed parental monitors and prohibited social media and we are able to see any apps applied to the device. Time limits were set but near the end of summer we found ourselves getting a little lazy and not always enforcing them.  Actually, it was kind of an experiment seeing the changes that occurred when each child became immersed (or isolated) by their private viewing experience. Olivia would take it upstairs to the open loft and close all the bedroom doors so it became dark as a cave and she'd stay up there for hours, forgoing meals and socialization with friends or even pool time. She preferres to watch series TV shows and she has no access to social media. I know I've blogged about some of the struggles we have had with her already, so this is been on our radar already. Ben and Rachel liked to play some games but also a few short cartoons and they weren't quite as antisocial. They would interact with one another, recognize their hunger and come to meals, and swim when we swam. However, we noticed listening and obeying became more of a struggle. We also noticed more irritated behavior when kids didn't get their way, mean behavior. This definitely was not OK. We remember experiencing this with Olivia when she was much younger and she really got into Minecraft. It actually got so bad we had to prohibit her from playing. Anyway, recently Adam and I read an article, excerpted from a book call iGen: Why today's Super Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy-and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood* and What That Means for the Rest of Us.  It is written by a psychology professor from San Diego State. Wow!! They article just spoke to us, so I bought the book. We are just starting it but the implications of this generation  just floored me. Just to name a few: less drinking, fewer teenage homicides and fewer teenage pregnancies (sounds good right) are a side effect of this generation, but so is less dating, fewer teenagers working part-time jobs, delaying getting drivers license, more depression and anxiety, and more suicides. Adolescence is being delayed, childhood stretching into high school. Kids are not becoming adults! WOW!   I don't want my kids hanging around any longer that necessary. Not because I don't love or want them, but because I know what a joy independent living can be as an adult. Making our own choices, being free of the financial dependence of parents, etc.  What else are we supposed to do as parents but help our children become happy, kind, productive adults. Really? What else? If the media storm of this generation continues that future looks bleak. I can't have that.  So, we decided to start a new experiment. School started two weeks ago. We decided no screens for two weeks and from then on only on Fridays and Saturdays (we already decided no Sundays) with limited time. It was amazing the first two weeks! Olivia came out of her cave, talked to us...pleasantly, treated her brother and sister more kindly and didn't give us crap when she was given chores, and she read multiple books too. Her attitude toward social interactions improved and she was super motivated in applying herself to her school work.  Ben and Rachel's transition was easy as well. They played lots of games and played with neglected toys. They were imaginative and fun and nice to each other and also quickly obeyed. There was less anger and frustration in the house. I loved it. I could have don't this forever because I never watch TV anyway but realistically I don't think it has to be like that. So, fast forward two weeks later and the kids were super excited to use their devices for a couple hours on Friday. All seemed well. Saturday came, we did chores and got out of the house for a bit. After lunch the little kids had two hours of screen time and then we had friends come over to swim for couple of hours before we barbecue'd dinner. Olivia had an agreed three hours of Kindle time. Now the little kids had tons of fun, but Olivia refused to come socialize and when she finally came for dinner later she had to be called multiple times, missed prayer and was generally a jerk to all of us. Nothing bad had happened, just normal everyday life and yet she was extremely unhappy. Well, the rest of the evening seemed to kind of fall apart for no good reason. The little kids weren't being kind, they kept asking about movies and screen time and I just felt so deflated. I was so floored by the change of behavior after just a couple of hours of screen time.  Now here it is, Sunday morning and I'm listening to kids quietly playing games and getting along and I know in my heart that the influence of media is a strong and pervasive one. One that I have control over nonetheless. Can I find a balance that will allow us to use some media for entertainment without allowing it to overshadow the spirit that we desire in our home? Obviously it starts with me. My example, my responses are also within my control. OK, I'll do my best. As for the media...I think we're going to hit pause again for a little bit.

Blogging, what's that?

I'm going to give this another try:  blogging. I quit Facebook years ago and this was my only social media outlet, but then I discovered Instagram and I could post without any real thought, time or effort. Of course, I only post the good stuff and pretty pictures and there's no real connection to real life, cause real life is hard and sometimes it sucks!  Well, not really, I'm super blessed but the day to day can get old and frustrating. I can feel overworked and under appreciated. I can get lazy or I can be super motivated but then no one else is. What I always felt blogging did was allow me to think through each situation and find the meaning in it, instead of tucking the hard stuff away for no one to see. I've never shared to create inspiration in others, mostly just myself. I'd like to find that again. I don't mean for this to sound like a yearly Christmas letter

Those who would read this are likely family and a few friends and already know we live in California and have three kids, with no more coming. I work nearly full-time and my husband stays home with the kids. I've likely bragged about how amazing Adam is. He does laundry, cleans, shuttles kids, deals with homework and teachers, shops, and occasionally cooks. Plus, he loves me! He and I get to spend a lot of time together since I usually work two double shifts a week. This allows me to spend a lot more time at home versus working more days but shorter shifts.   He does most of the chores on my working days so my days off are spent cooking and spending time with the kids, gardening, taking care of my chickens or just having fun. We like to run and go the gym together and are always looking for our next childless getaway (few and far between).  Our ten-year anniversary is this year and no trips are planned :(

Olivia (13 in a week) has entered those precarious years of adolescents and I hate it. There, I said it. Nothing like truth. She has struggled in school for years, had a diagnosis of ADD, tried medication with abysmal results and now she's been pulled from public school to go to a Independent study charter school. She goes to class twice a week and basically homeschool three days a week. We don't actually teach her, she just completes her work. This has been helpful because she's so slow and she's held accountable to incomplete or poor work. Public school just let her get away with it, despite it being their responsibility to educate my child. Even after multiple evaluations, educationally and psychologically, it seems her difficulties lie within her lack of desire to succeed. I see my constant interventions to help her with everything as a child has stunted her ability to be independent and learning to do that now has been a struggle. Pair that with the general adolescent attitudes and behavior and you can guess most of our interactions are tortuous. She also struggles socially and my heart breaks for her on that, but it is her own fault as she doesn't reach out in kindness to others. Plus, according to her "Life sucks!" because she doesn't have an iPhone and has to do chores. Wow! I love this child but sometimes I can't believe she's mine. It can be so emotionally exhausting! She's beautiful and has some sweetness in her somewhere but I think her idea of reality is impaired,  possibly by movies or TV.

Ben (6) is a dream child. I do not love him more than the others but I'm most impressed by him. He's kind, honest, usually helpful and fun. He is a little whiz at school too! He is a little obsessed with Mario Bros. but he's very motivated to do well and get the things he wants, even waking us up early on a Saturday to work to earn money. After our struggles with Olivia we took some parenting courses (should have done those before having kids) and we applied those techniques with the little kids and saw almost immediate improvements in their behavior and our ability to "control" situations. Letting kids choose and learn from their mistakes has been invaluable in our sanity and their independence.

Rachel (4) is my little sidekick. She just wants her mommy, unless she's in trouble and then wants her daddy. She just finished preschool and loved it. She's confident, sassy, silly, fun and loving. Not that she can't throw a major fit. She wants to do everything I do: gardening, chicken care, and cooking. All the kids will be school next year. I can't believe how time has flown.

Speaking of time, it was my 20 year high school reunion this year. I didn't go or even see if there  was a reunion taking place. I don't think you could pay me to go back to North Dakota and I've only kept in touch with one friend from HS.

Well, maybe I'll get better at this. In the mean time I have to go tell Olivia to find something to do instead of harassing the little kids.