new.

i realised.life is all about chance..chance and chance again..

i got this from mahjong...you can have such a nice hand..but you just cant win..and someone can just game it with a 1 fold..thats kinda shitty isnt it? but its just like that..you just cant win..

you can end up as the biggest loser simply by being unlucky..when its your turn to game a 5 fold, others may feed..and you end up paying money instead of winning..but..that guy can win it back again from others....end up..you can go through all the rounds never feeding anyone even once, but you still lose, cos you never won..and its just your shitass luck..

its so convenient to leave things up to fate..but most of the time...yeah..you get it.

sometimes when a tile comes late, it becomes useless no matter how nice it was awhile ago..yahh..this is exactly whats happening in my life now..i didnt feed anything..but others gamed..he game she game he game she game..i nvr feed..but i lose the most..

even my luck is so..when i should have had some luck..i didnt..when i shouldnt have had luck..i had too much of it to spare..

seriously.i wish i had some luck in life..in everything.career.love..and everything about life.i wish i had luck in life rather than just in gambling..and i dont even have luck in gambling ALL the time..this is bad...dont tell me work hard enough alr..cos.working hard is never enough..you just need luck..seriously..time.place.people..everything must fit in for you to game..anything just miss by abit.you just lose and lose and lose everything..

just that 1 tile...but you just cant game..hahaha.you just cant game.

working hard is never enough man..sometimes all you need is abit of coincidence and luck..all you need is that..all the hard work in the world is not gonna get you your qing yi se, or shi san yao..you just need luck..the tiles just need to be there at the right time..

same thing in life..hard work is not gonna get you a spot in any course in the uni..sometimes you really do need some luck..of course.mainly hard work la..but still.what you expect to do if you have no luck at all?

this is by no means a vessel for me to vent my frustrations after a bad day in mahjong..its simply..like...me.realising something important..about chance.about luck..about life.

i can be waiting to game a 5 fold every single round man..but its just that 1 tile..thats gonna make me wait forever..every round, THAT tile changes..and it'll just never come to me..hahaha.it'll just never come to me when it's THE tile..yeahh..so.

all in all.im a failure in life..

good luck to everyone who thinks their A lvls are screwed..let me tell you this..if you're even nervous or excited or mildly looking forward to knowing your A lvl results..deep in your heart you dont even think you're screwed..you're just thinking you MAY be screwed.but you're really hoping that you'll end up with a decent grade....whos the real guy who alr knows the A lvl results..

its me..no matter what results i get..i've alr failed..i didnt put in my best shot.i didnt put in anything close to a best shot..in fact.im not sure i even put in anything that was of use at all

all those last minute studying and shit..was it even useful? truth be told..from 2nd week of self study onwards..i never understood a single shit i was reading...shit me? hahaha.shit me..

let me put this in mahjong terms..its like me bluffing all you ppl that i got a qing yi se coming right up..and im waiting....but the truth is..i probably have 4 cards of each colour that have no use at all...if you guys thought i was ready, that i mugged in the last minute, that maybe i can pull off a miracle.you're wrong..its not time for miracles..

its time for you ppl to see how serious i am when i say that i didnt put in effort..

im a loser.a failure..and everything bad..

just ignore me.diss me..and all that shit.

im not worth anything man..

值得吗？

why do they always..always fall for those who leave them...

"有人玩你，你就玩别人"...i never believed in this..i always believed that treating everyone with sincerity from your heart was the key to success..so much so that..i changed.even though i really didnt like someone..i tried my best to make space for them in my heart..i tried my best to accept them sincerely and not think/talk bad about them..

and yet..im still the one getting played..i dont believe that if i dont play others i'll always be the one getting played..i never believed it..but it starts to look like its true....it makes sense doesnt it..if you're the one playing others, you got the leverage..

its always like that.....老虎不发威，别人把它当病猫

yahhh...its just like that.

im just a loser..

i just found out..if i dont get married..i'll have to be 35 in order to apply for a hdb flat.cool.

when i was young..i always had that feeling..i just had that feeling..maybe..one day i may get married..maybe...it'll be cool to get married...

i guess my feeling was wrong..yeahh..

no cash, no credit card, no condo, no car, no career, no ambition, no looks, no talents...just go and die...

im so sick of it..im so sick of it.....

i've totally..lost sight of any goal in life..totally..lost my sense of direction in life..totally..given up on any hopes of having a life partner/wife....i feel hopeless..

and i guess..this feeling..sucks more than failing all your tests and getting scolded by teachers/disappointing your parents by failing/not doing well in your cca..all put into 1..this feeling sucks......and the worst thing is.......im facing all these every day..every night..when im alone..just alone all by myself..

i cant deal with this..its just too stressful..

life is complex..it could have been easy..but in singapore, in this society..it just has to be complex..you have to go through at least 5 kg of paperwork just to get a car, get married, buy a house...it just has to be complex..i always hated complicated and tedious stuff..especially tedious..

cos im just too freaking lazy to give a shit about it...

easily irritable/extremely lazy/irritating/easily dislikable/laid back/no ambitions

men like this are rare....

useless indeed.

wow..there's one here.its me =)

what time is it? its 12.20..nahh..

its tiger time.

beer belly come and get me..

hahahaha.like i give a shit? HAHAHAAH

i guess things dont always go the way you want them to.

but we cant always give ourselves excuses..when everything you want doesnt go your way, something's wrong..

and something's really wrong for me right now..

i've given up a huge part of my life..

what for right? hahaha.you can fight and fight and fight for what you wan..but you'll still lose in the end.

you knw those days when you play mahjong and everything just doesnt go your way? you just never get to win..always just so close....so close..

sadly..those days dont happen to me anymore..the "mahjong game" now..is my life...

ironically..im starting to have REALLY good luck when playing mahjong..no matter how much i lose.i'll win it back...somehow..it just comes.no skill involved..plain luck..

oh hahah guess what? the shittiest thing that could happen now is that i have SHITLUCK in both mahjong and life..hahaha.i will just laugh..

like i do at many things in life now..dont go my way? i just laugh..i mean..i saw it coming anyway..just THOUGHT i could avoid it.hahaha.

so..whatever.look at me.you can laugh..despise..or whatever shit..

when someone doesnt value something much anymore, he doesnt give a shit what others think of it..

byebye

cny

i thought maybe i should sum up the cny this year..

it was really great.i mean.i went msia on the eve as usual..came out on the first.went straight home and stayed home..why? cos i hate visiting.i totally hate visiting..i think i should repeat it again.i totally hate visiting...

so.i stayed home and went out to run with dave.hahah.that was cool..first day went past like that

second day rocked.went to ec house..just played mahjong..had lots of fun =) totally made my day.

third day went to jenna's house to play mahjong...cos we decided to take 76 to yck, went past school.lol.felt like i was going to school again..hahaha..anyway.it was fun.

today..i went to sgh to visit someone important.no names la..give the patient some privacy.lol.

get well soon

im gonna go again tmr..totally nothing to do at home anyway..

im going to touch the mahjong tiles..im waiting for the day we can play again..

one day i'll wake up..and i hope that i'll just feel like i woke up from a shitty dream and all the shit wasnt real.and the good stuff were real.

wow.that'd be...great.totally...great.yeah.

goodbye goodbye everybody

losing your everything

做人。。重要是要有理想。要有目标。。当你失去目标，失去理想，做人将会变成很无畏的“工作”。。要找回理想，锁定目标，人生才会有乐趣。。。无论你成功或失败，只要有目标就一定会刺激。。目标与理想能另一个人努力奋斗，尽力争取自己所要的一切。。。。

我。。没有目标，没有理想。。每天就吊儿郎当地过。。无所事事，游手好闲。。没意思。。。。。

我不是不珍惜生命，我很感激自己有一个能够做人的机会。。可是我希望我能够像别人一样有上进心，有梦想。。。可能因为我一直都处在一个“钱来伸手，饭来张口”的环境。。我并不担心会挨饿，会没钱用。可能因为此事，我无意中变成了一个不上进，不想为自己争取的人。。

坦白说，我不贪钱。。当然，有钱拿我一定高兴，但是我并没想过要当个百万富翁之类的人物。。对我来说，够花就好了。。那为什么要赌？赌是为了刺激。。哈哈哈哈。老实说，真的是为了刺激。我就算赢钱了，每次都请吃饭喝咖啡之类的，结果我还亏钱。。哈哈哈哈。真的是为了刺激。。

sometimes i lie in bed and think..which female would put her life in the hands of someone who gambles and drinks compulsively..i mean.its so retarded..hahah.i dont even gamble to win.i mean..gamblers they want to win money..they at least put effort into it.they bet on horses and soccer and they do research and everything..they want to win..they love to win.cos they want the money..i dont even want to win badly..as in.i just do it cos its very exciting.haha.thats like..such a loser who doesnt even have goals la.even when im engaging in negative externalities, im not putting in effort to do it to the best..how loserish is that? haiz..

its so unstable to rely on a gambler/drinker/slacker..i work when i want to.work when i need money..i spend the money eating,gambling,drinking.my money ends up going to ntuc and singapore pools.

its just loserish..honestly.if i were a girl, i wouldnt consider me at all.cos i'd never have a good life going out with me..dont have a uni degree.good in nothing.drink/gamble the money away..good for nothing.never will make it big in life...

ok.im done convincing myself im a loser..in this way..although you kinda cheat yourself, you feel better when shit happens..at least..its cos im a loser..ahahah

its so loser trying to blame things on being a loser right? ahahah.anything happens..its cos im a loser.what a convenient but pathetic excuse.lol.

whatever la.i think i'll stay single my whole life.cos..no one can possibly put up with me.but anyway..errr.the thing is.i realised i always self fufill my prophecies one.hahah.i predicted i'd end up this way..regretting about A's..i made it happen.i predicted i'd end up this way in life..i made it happen..i'll probably make myself single too..so...im just saying la..i predicted it alr..so..20 years down the road when im like 40..i'll look back and say this loserishly "oh, i predicted i'll stay single ma..i knew it.cos i saw it coming from 1000000000 years away.."

what time is it?

hahaha.seriously.its tiger time.

wow.its the first day of cny

yeah..so what?

i totally hate visiting.so.here i am...at home.

i really hate waking up and feeling like im 40..you knw.sometimes i do....i wake up and my whole body is just.......weak..and.so..soft..ahhhh..alcohol..

so.im back from malaysia..gotta say.it was not really fun.and there wasnt much family bonding done..thats what i hate about occasions..you dont bond with your family only when there's some occasion.you're supposed to be bonding all the time..so....whats the meaning of this.if i meet my relatives once in a year..whats the diff even if i dont turn up? you dont bond in 1 day..

im going to jog later with dave...to get all the fat off..ewww man.all that.food..gahh.

its so painful..

so painful..

so painful..

so painful..

so pain...

im just feeling pain here and there and everywhere in my heart.

why do you want to get hurt

i just dont get it..even though you alr know.you already saw what happened to others before you..exactly the same problem.and you still went on with it and believed that he'll treat you well...

dont pretend to pretend to be strong...if you're really strong inside..there's no need to pretend to be strong and break down when others are not looking..

whatever crap...ppl just like to do weird stuff.i totally love my life.

if i dont stop drinking.i'll get liver failure im so sure..

i woke up this morning with no headache, but i felt like my body was 20 years older...

gosh.

Dedicated to the number 14