挽回他已经不是你的选择

sometimes its just really too late to apologise..

but its tough to always make the right decisions..

always talking about how good the past times were..always thinking about the past, about how beautiful it was, about how you miss it, about how you really wish things were like the past..

sometimes it doesnt work this way..yepp..

prelims ended on tuesday..went to ch house..hahaha.it was fun la..too many things to talk about luhh huh.hahaha.from orchard to farrer park..yepp.then yesterday was happening too.

today was bad..haiz..i hope tmr will be better..

my advice to you..just stop waiting and let go now..i can totally predict that in the near future you'll fall for some other guy.

明天过后该如何?

i seriously mean it..what happens after tomorrow? hahaha.i really dont have a clue as to the steps i can take after prelims..

i screwed up every single exam from the start of j1..why am i even in school? i dont get it..

you can't bring out the feelings the song is trying to convey
you look "sadder" nowadays
you dont have to study for prelims meh?

i dont knw why ppl think im looking sadder by the day..well..i dont knw.i feel stressed.honestly..i honestly never felt this kind of stress before..yeah.promos i faced stress..but i handled it.as in..compared to the stress now i think that was nothing la.because, at that time the stress prompted me to study..my dream was to pass promos and go to j2 with my class, my teammates and everyone else..thats why i just came up with a game plan.passed those h2s i could pass..and i just worked to make it happen..and it did.

look at the situation now..im really screwed..its THIS close to a lvls..40+ days..and im worried that i'll fail.i'll be honest..i'm worried..im not worried that i cant get into a uni or a course of my choice.as to that, i dont give a shit.SERIOUSLY..i dont give a shit whether i get into uni.its just that when i see everyone else piaing so hard to get good results for a lvls...i wonder why im not like them..why i cant have the competitive streak in me for studies..why i cant just set my sight further and look into the future..see that i'll be a roadsweeper 10 years down the road cos i couldnt pass my A lvls..why????

i really feel like shouting...i see everyone working.i dont know why.as in...of course i know why, but its too much for my simple brain to comphrehend..all that about going to uni, at least get a degree la, then next time at least go out find job is easier..all these, i've heard, ten thousand times at least.no exaggeration.but i cant comphrehend it..yes i know i'll be a loser if i dont get this a lvl cert.yes i know i'll be a nobody..but why cant i do that???

if theres any reason im even gonna study damn damn hard for a lvls, its just so that i retain my pride..thats all..honestly.i dont give a shit whether i get all As or a decent result for that matter..i dont give a shit..sounds like some immature idiot is trying to build a fantasy world for himself eh?

you think you can survive without an a lvl cert? no...you cant.you cannot go anywhere..you cannt do anything.your life is screwed without an a lvl cert.you'll have to work 10 times as hard to fight with someone who has a degree..

dreams bring about motivation which in turn inspire determination and results

i dont even have dreams nowadays.no more

i wish i was still a basketballer..

i want to run away.

no breaking point?

there's only that much i can take..

im just too weak..zz.

yesterday was the best day of the week..duh.went out to have fun =)

tues..it'll be the end of the pain temporarily..

haiz...

i dont knw what to do..im really feeling very bad..and yet..i cant bring myself to put in hard work..i hate this.

i hate challenges nowadays..i dont like to challenge myself anymore..i dont like to win others..i dont even like to win in things i can win..i hate winning..i hate competition..i just want to slack

im sick of this..

and i cant even run away with alcohol..

this sucks

i need some help seriously..gah.


i wish it was still 2008..

i hope this ends soon..

i cant always resort to drinking..im supposed to change..

all these thoughs and insecurities

man..i hate myself for putting the blame on others.

i just went to run again..yeah..to not be such a fatass i have to run my ass off..literally ma.right? hahaha..yepp..today i ran exceptionally long.but distance wasn't my goal, time was.i aimed to run for about 25 mins..i did 28..could have ran 30 mins luh..but i wasnt really in the mood to push myself to the limit limit limit.haha..

anyway..i realised something about running..when you're running alone, without music blasting in your ears, you really get the time to think about life..i wasnt running competitively, and it gave me time to think along the way..while running.i just kept thinking, thinking about how i've treated my life and how stubborn and petty i was..

when i have a goal, i always work so damn hard towards it, i dont give a shit about anything else..but once that goal is reached, or i dont think its worth it anymore, i'll just drop it like hot coal..i wont even like struggle to keep it going until i've given it my all..maybe thats why i never know how far i can go.i've been too lenient on myself, always letting myself quit before i really should.but the thing is, im really confused..when is the time to give up? because if you persist in pursuing something that you'll never get, its a waste of time..

there's always many ways to argue that la, some ppl will say stuff like "if you never put in your best and have patience to wait, how do you know you wont succeed?" thing is, we cant keep on waiting right?

after reading about determinism and predestination, i dont really want to believe in any of these...i hate it when ppl tell me that my fate is sealed, nothing i do will make a difference because it was meant to be..because of the cause and effect relationship, things just happen and you cant do anything about it..i hate it.because i always believed that we had to work hard in order to get what we want..it totally goes against my beliefs...and yet....it seems like the concept of determinism is such an unbreachable fortress..because of "this", "that" will happen..you cant prevent it.

i want to make things happen..im not afraid to own up to my mistakes, im willing to learn from others..this is the positive mindset i should have..i must psycho myself =)

i think i'll blog everyday during prelims, just to waste some time off studies..

we are this close to A lvls, less than 2 months..

oh yeah..if you're reading this, most probably you'd know alot about my life..i dont keep my own life much of a secret to my friends..maybe thats bad..but anw..i just realised that..nothing really matters alot lehh

last year i met so many problems, i thought they were like really....ya know, major problems in one's life lehh.hahah.like teenage crisis..now i think about it clearly.i cant blame anyone for what happened..i cant say anyone wasted my time..because the truth is, i was the one who was willing to wait.you dont blame anyone for that do you? you cant blame ppl for making you wait because you must willing to wait in the first place..hahah.i finally saw it in a different light today.i mean, the thought occurred to me before, of course it did, but it just didnt seem right at that point in time what, when you think you're the one who's right and everyone else seems to be having something against you or trying to make your life a mess..

now i see..yepp.no grudges man..some things are just not meant to be...i tried, i fought..maybe i didnt fight hard enough, maybe it didnt matter if i fought at all.hahaha.but i cant say anyone wasted my time, i cant say i wasted my time actually.

i learnt alot from last year alone.really..its not quantifiable actually..but its just..alot.haha

chem paper 3 tmr..have fun =)

goodbye

it isnt everyday that i have time to blog..zz

its not because i dont have time to blog due to studies, its just that i dont have the privacy to blog since my comp is now facing everyone else at home..zz

they're out to eat dinner..yeahh

i guess this september break has been very very very very fruitful.its not because i achieved alot by studying.no..not at all.i didnt achieve anything actually.i went to school on monday wednesday and friday..but i didnt manage to study anything on these 3 days..might as well do a recount..

monday
i went to school for consultation..started late ended late..reached school at 12.went home at around 6.fruitful only because i learnt some stuff about econs.not bad luh uh..

tuesday
i wanted to go to school to meet JnA to study, but i guess the lure of comfort at home was too strong..i didnt manage to step out of the house.ended up sleeping away the afternoon.woke up, remembered that i asked jian out to run, rushed to bathe and meet him.ran a long way.lol.the route was so cute.basically we ran from bishan to school and walked back to amk hub, where i took a bus home and jian ran home..again.day gone

wednesday
i did go to school to study..i was determined to finish studying some chemistry.hehehe.turns out, i didnt do anything except for realise the difference between aldehydes and ketones.yeahh..i went to swim in the afternoon before returning to school and going home with JnA.it was great to swim again.felt good.but my skin turned red.i was worried.why? because of thursday..

thursday
this was the best day of the whole week..okay.nope.since this is saturday, i should say that it is the best day of the week up till now...but honestly i doubt tmr will be better.hahah.anyway.thursday was our dear friend jihao's birthday...it rocked man.8 ppl got together and had fun tgt for most of the day.haahha.we were supposed to meet at vivo at 8.30...wth la.i really set my alarm clock so that i would reach in time leh, cos i really looked forward to it.hahah.ended up there at 8.30...only jason and tzin were there.after awhile ji came luh.hahah.and at 10+ the rest finally arrived.meaning mark hs ec sh...hahaha.we just went to sentosa and fooled around till around 3...i got really red i guess.i knew i wasnt sunburnt cos....i just knew it lah.hahah =) but i went red abit..went to carl's jnrs for lunch/dinner before heading home.

friday
went to school to meet alvin..fruitful morning lah..learnt abit of chem..i think he learnt more than me..lol.of course la...met zh for lunch at yishun...went to the library to read a book for 2 hrs..after that zh had to leave so...i had to do sth la..i decided to go and swim...again.yeah.swam for about an hour or so and left for home..anyway..this night.i had a super shitty dream.cos i watched too many shows on tv.zzz.i think there's something wrong with the grammar.i guess it doesnt matter that much...hahaha.the thing is.i dreamt about the worst of everything that could happen to me..i dreamt of the team again..dreamt of us training with a taiwanese coach (thanks go to the show "attitude", which records the lives of some taiwanese bball players), and that guy despised us....i hated that dream.i kept talking back to the coach when he scolded us..well..yeah.and that dream went on.omg.i cant believe it.anyway.the second part, abit private..hahaha.basically, it scared the shit out of me and i was super glad it was a dream..trust me, its not horror, not ppl dying, not me failing A lvls..its worse.

saturday
today was great.i spent the whole morning+afternoon doing nothing..went to the stadium at 6 to run luh..and do pullups...and do situps..aiya.just went to work out..getting so fat la.i mean..i dont wanna go back to the fat days again..when i was so fat and weak that i couldnt even do 1 pullup..omg..OMG..OMG now i think about not being able to do even 1 pullup and im really scared..so fat la..ahhhh..i hate being fat..ewww.all the fats...ewww.then you sweat alot when you're fat cos you feel hot....okay la.singapore's weather is hot, so fat or not you'll sweat..but if you're fat you sweat more.omg.i hate it man.im never gonna go back to being a super fatass again..what the shit.i couldnt even do 1 pullup..gosh..

anw.this week i've been thinking alot about life..about my family..sometimes you lose touch with your siblings so much that you dont knw what they've become, or what they want to become..i dont really mix with my brothers, go out with them, talk about school or things like that..all we do is laugh at each other..i guess im not cut out to be the good elder brother guy..i dont wanna complain about parents playing favourites..i dont think parents ever play favourites..seriously..if they dont allow you to go out, dont allow you to do this do that, its because you shouldnt be doing it..its because you havent earned the right to do it..you dont gain their trust, you dont deserve anything.

dont say that your parents treat your other siblings better you're always the one getting the scolding..i mean..its not like that.have you ever thought, its because your other siblings are able to exhibit traits which give your parents assurance that they are disciplined enough to handle freedom? think about it...dont complain about your parents..i think im talking a little about myself..my younger self..yeahh....maybe the reason is because you really should be less rebellious and listen to others more often..

im sick of thinking so much..after reading the philo book right.i feel so sick of life and depressed..its depressing when you think about it..

im always thinking of becoming a better person, to be a better friend, a better son..i want to be better to others.and of course, myself....so..im not going to waste my life anymore

i get bored easily unless i have a clear goal..seriously..i can even get bored of slacking..

im going to be a better person because i want to..because i want to change the way i live my life.

i dont want to be like a delinquent anymore, drinking, gambling on a regular basis..doing stuff teenagers aren't supposed to be doing.im going to change..im determined to be a better man.

i chanced upon lao niu's blog..it was super touching..esp the blog post about hc winning a div this year..yeahh team..we're still a team.we had 1 goal, and finally someone accomplished it..everyone work hard..go team go.go fight win.

think about it..maybe sometimes everyone ought to sit down and think about what they've been neglecting..

1 and a half days to study for prelims..better start early.....hoho..the irony of it.

goodbye

i need some advice..

i need some guidance.

i just need some company.

maybe...i was wrong about everything..

maybe...just maybe.

i dont knw why i always like the opposite.when i dont have it, i want it.when i get it, i realise i may not like it..zz.shit

i just hate the way i always like to like things others dont like..

i hate it..

ciao

Dedicated to the number 14