Freaking Out - Again

I'm having an unschooling freak out. It happens every now and then. I may have to put in a phone call to one of the more experienced unschoolers in my phone book. Just thought you should know.

Also, after being a total spaz about getting A's in my classes, just days before the midterm exams I suddenly feel annoyed at having to study. Argh! That's not good.

And...now that Warren is working again (and working with a vengeance every single day of the week until past midnight) I'm stuck washing the stupid, endless piles of dirty dishes in my kitchen. I hate washing dishes! Could someone please just give me a pill that would satisfy my family's nutritional requirements so I don't have to cook? I mean, really, shouldn't we have invented something like that by now?

Plus, just in case you were wondering what happens when your cat expels a hair ball after eating an entire bird, I can tell you--there are lots of feathers involved and it's not pretty.

I think I'm done now. I'm off to study for my stupid midterms. Then I'm going to wash the stupid dishes (even though I just washed some last night!).

Sheesh.

Dear Reader

Rejoice!

I have finally grown tired of the sound of my own pathetic whining, so I promise* not to write anymore pathetic whiny blog posts.

I just wanted you to know.

Love, Colleen

*I reserve the right to renig on this promise at any time. Sorry.

You Know You're In Trouble When...

you walk into a bookstore with the intention of buying a book because you are completely and utterly depressed and buying a book always makes you feel better--always. But nothing excites you. Nothing. You don't even feel like being there (which is unheard of). Not once in your entire visit do you pick up a paperback and caress its cover or inhale a whiff of the binding (pages open) when no one is looking. You leave the book store empty handed and you don't even care.

Then...you go to California Pizza Kitchen and order your favorite pizza (which for several months has been off the menu and was only recently reintroduced) and when the pizza arrives you don't even feel like eating it! And when you do eat half of what you would normally scarf down it doesn't even taste that good.

Then...you go home, where you have no less than six boxes of thin mints in the freezer, you reach for an open box of cookies, inhale the highly addictive, minty scent, and put the box down. You don't even take it out of the freezer. You don't feel like eating a thin mint! That's right. You read it right, people, I did not want a thin mint!!

Have you dialed 911 yet? Because this is serious!!

Sadly, I can't even blog about it because it all started with a blog post that inadvertently hurt the feelings of someone I love (the post has been removed so don't bother trying to figure out which one it was!). Now the one place where I used to be able to write freely and openly and honestly about my feelings is no longer safe. This sucks.

I know I don't need to blog about my feelings. I mean, really, how lame would that be? But it's fun. And it's nice to vent on a blog, as opposed to with speech, because when you vent with speech it sounds so much more like whining. And blogging allows me to make fun of myself, which is always good. Sure, I could make fun of myself in Microsoft Word or TextEdit and save it into my Documents file, but it's so much more satisfying to make fun of myself on my blog and to know other people are laughing at my mistakes and misfortunes--it makes the mishaps seem like they were good for something, after all. And then of course there are the comments and the support I get from my blogger friends. They really help!

So this pretty much sucks. I know my life is still great in the grand scheme of things but right now I feel sucky and miserable and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to pull myself out of it.

On a side note: My grandmother's funeral was beautiful. Warren and I made a memorial tribute DVD that was played at the service on Saturday and it was perfect. On Sunday we scattered my grandma's ashes at sea, just off the beach where her husband used to surf. We watched her ashes billow into the water like a ghostly cloud (something I wasn't quite expecting), then travel North with the tide, followed by a long, long trail of roses, stargazer lilies, snapdragons, and other flowers we had tossed into the sea after her. She would have loved to have been there. And I know, in a way, she was--just not the way I wanted her to be.

Early Morning Questions

It's 4:45 a.m. I got out of bed to write a rant full of rhetorical questions like, Why does the film business suck so much? Why did Warren have to work another Saturday when this movie doesn't even have a release date yet? Why is the minimum work day in film 12 hours? The minimum?! Why?! Why does this business suck so much?! And Why? Why? Why when car alarms go off at 4:45 a.m. do they never stop? Ever?! Why do they just keep going and going and going like the energizer bunny keeping me awake with my toxic thoughts until I'm forced to get out of bed and poison the blogosphere with them?

Why!?

Sheesh. 

My cat just climbed onto my lap. He's rolling around on his back, grabbing my hair between his six-fingered paws and chewing on it. Why does my cat always eat my hair?

Unemployment/Vacation

So I quit my job but ended up having a major blow up on Sunday (while hiking up Rangitoto--the volcano--I was not unaware of the metaphor). I've decided that either a) I'm a complete basket case; b) I'm experiencing severe PMS; c) I'm pregnant (I almost wish it were true--it would explain what Jerry calls my "unstable" moods. The key word there, however, is "almost."); d) I am so very in tune with nature that walking up a mountain with seething magma at it's core caused my own emotional eruption. I'm gonna go with "d" because I don't like any of the other ones.

Unfortunately I don't have time to give you all the grisly details. Suffice it to say, I'm perched between traditional parenting and non-coercive parenting and I seem to have ended up stuck--unable to do either. I'm all confused and wishing I had my own personal guide every second of the day to tell me how to make it to the non-coercive side. JJ?

Pity Party, Inc.

Wallowing in self-pity is a full-time job. That's why I'm up at 5 a.m. I just can't get enough wallowing in during daylight hours so I'm working overtime. Yes, while the rest of New Zealand sleeps, I'm awake, climbing the corporate ladder of Pity Party, Inc. I've made it to Vice-President of Internal Mockery in just three short days and the coveted title of CDP (Certifiably Depressed Person) is well within my grasp.

I interviewed for the position while I was sitting on the park bench that night I walked out of the house. It was an easy job to get, really. Problem is it doesn't pay so well. I'm doing it on a volunteer basis, actually. I know, I know, I should ask for something more. My time is valuable, what about my self-worth, etc, etc.? Thing is, they don't encourage self-worth at Pity Party, Inc and they're pretty clear about the fact that, as PPI employees, our time and well, everything about us, is isn't worth a dime. They couldn't keep the business going if everyone started asking for their worth in gold (or cash).

Of course, even as I wallow I know I'm worth something to my family and friends and in the end that may be what loses me my job. I don't know how long I can keep up this schedule anyway. It's exhausting. I started work at 2 a.m. the other day, and the night before last I was on call all night--I got to stay in bed but my mind was working all the time.

Our trip to the South Island begins Tuesday so I'll probably have to take a leave of absence. I could take my work with me, I suppose, but it might be hard to work and entertain Jerry and look at all that beautiful scenery (it's Middle Earth, people!) while I'm trying to feel sorry for myself. Drat! Just thinking about our trip has cost me my VP title. I'm Manager of Human Failings now. That's a definite step back.

And I can see another setback on the horizon. We're visiting a homeschooling family from America this afternoon. We hung out with them last week and were treated to a fabulous dinner, a walk on the beach, lots of good conversation, and tea shipped from New York City. We talked about New Zealand's little quirks (why don't people rinse the soap off their dishes here!?) and the Presidential election back in the states, and how I might have to move out of the country too if the Republicans win again. (My entire family threatened to move in with my sister in Ireland if he won last time but we're still there--and he's still in White House.)

So I guess my point is this job probably won't last long. But that's not stopping me from giving it my all for the time being. I can't help it--I'm a high achiever. You know, first born child and all that.

An Embarrassing Admission

I don't really want to write this post, but when I started this blog I swore that it would be an honest representation of our attempt to unschool. So, here I go...

I made an appointment to tour a private school yesterday. We would have made the appointment eventually anyway because my husband wants to have a back up in case Jerry wants to go to school next year. I've been putting it off, though. I really want to keep homeschooling--at least for middle school, maybe high school, too, so I haven't been too eager to tour any schools. But these past few days I've been feeling kind of low. Kind of like things aren't working out. So I made the appointment.

It was the chess incident that started it. But then yesterday Jerry yelled at me--I mean, really yelled--for something that wasn't even my fault. Maybe starting to unschool just as your child hits puberty isn't the best idea. Our situation is made more difficult, I think, by the fact that Jerry's an only child and my husband works really long hours. We spend a huge amount of time together. That could be hard on any relationship. I suppose arguments are inevitable.

So, I was really sad yesterday and I made an appointment to tour the school next Thursday. I also decided to try spending three hours during the day on school stuff. I don't mean school as in workbooks and essays, though I'm not entirely opposed to those things, I just want to have some time set aside when we're learning something new. I need it for my own sanity. I'm finding it difficult to follow Jerry's lead on everything. There are some things I want him to know and I just don't have the patience to wait for him to show an interest in them.

There you have it. I'm not feeling like a very good unschooler, but at the same time I'm proud of myself for following my own course. The willingness and ability to break away from the masses and blaze a trail of one's own seem to be key components of unschooling, so hopefully I'm not straying too far from the path we set out on. We'll see.

Funky Town

My husband finally bought an electric guitar! He's been talking about getting one for ages, all the while religiously playing his acoustic every night before bed. Yesterday, he finally made his choice and brought one home. Here he is with J leaving the Guitar Center where, after many hours of deliberation, he chose a Les Paul.J wanted to be the first to play it once we got home. Here's Warren giving him some pointers.
It was a good weekend. We acheived a nice balance of family time and personal time, the weather was perfect, we finally got the guitar. I can't complain. But, you know, I still didn't feel quite right. I felt happy, but not my usual happy. And I've been feeling that way for a while now.

I think I'm in a funk.

It's time to take action. Time to say good-bye to Funky Town. Here's my escape plan:

1.) Take my vitamins every day. (I've been slacking.)
2.) Stop putting things off. The main things I've been putting off are a) balancing my checkbook; b) securing an interview for my next newspaper column; c) mailing the numerous birthday and baby gifts I've purchased in the last couple months; d) dropping off our donations at the Goodwill. These will all be crossed off my To Do List by Friday.

3.) Go for a walk or a hike at least once a day.

4.) Stop reasearching and reading about unschooling and just do it. I've been obbsessed with figuring this whole thing out, but I'm coming to the conclusion that the best way to figure it out is to stop looking over my shoulder at what other people are doing and just do what I think is right for us. (Yes, I know I already said something like this, but I need to get hit over the head several times before a new idea sinks in. This is whack number two.) So, this week I'm not going to read about unschooling, except for in the John Holt book that I started last week. I'll still read the blogs I 've discovered, but I won't go searching for information. I'll just read the daily posts and go on about my business.

So that's the plan. Let's hope it works!