The Mini Van Soap Box

I have to take something I've said back. While although I have no intention of ever writing a book - a brilliant idea came to me while vacationing this last week that is going to force me to go back on that.

We vacation at Disney probably every year....Even before we had a kid.  We are big Disney fans. Myself more than my husband, but over the years he's become more and more of a "believer". In fact, we were even married there...as was my sister before me.

Sidenote: If you get the chance, and aren't married - I HIGHLY recommend it. I didn't lift. A. FINGER. I planned my entire wedding over email. Hell, if you've got the money - you can close the freakin' Magic Kingdom down and have fireworks just for you.

So, we are what you would call Disney experts.  There have been people in the past that have asked "I'm going to Disney in a few weeks, got any advice?" My response is always "Are you sure you want me to answer that?" Because...I have advice. Strange thing it - no one ever takes it. They always end up coming home with war stories, bunions, blisters, pissed off kids and parents that are seriously considering divorce. 

Two biggest pieces of advice I can give you.

1.  Chill the hell out.
2.  Buy some good shoes.

This is where my brilliant idea comes in.  I can not TELL YOU how many 3 inch heels my mom and I saw this last week.  She and I even have this look that we give each other that means, "Holy Shit Mom, look at that crazy woman in the leopard print heels".  So, I've decided I'm going to start taking my GOOD camera with me from now on - and I'm going to take pictures of peoples feet.

It'll be a coffee table book.  "The Feet of Disney" .... "Shoes of Epcot" .... "These Fools Are Going To Regret This Tomorrow" ... I don't know, I haven't worked the title out yet.  But I gaurantee people will buy it.  Especially if THEIR feet are so colorfully illustrated.

I'm the girl in layers....and ugly shoes.  Jeans, T-Shirt, Sweatshirt and a good ol' pair of walking shoes.  Next time you're there - Say Hi!  I also wear a butt-pack.  I'm SUPER hot.  You'll find us in Epcot, doing the beer crawl through the countries and getting henna art in Morocco.

P.S. My brush with fame.  That's totally the back of a Jonas Brother. I have no idea which one. I didn't realize that there were three until a drove of screaming 12 year olds were pissed that he wasn't there.

P.P.S.  I just asked my husband about the number of Jonas's...Jonasss....Joni....Hell, how many of those kids there are.  He said he heard one left, so there are only two. So, maybe that's why there are only two. We had a five minute discussion about if the actually LEFT, or is just doing a solo album.  We then realized that neither of us give a crap.

P.P.P.S.  It's upsetting that I'm going to get traffic here now because of the word Jonas.

While I would love to give the impression that I know everything...because, honestly, who wouldn't. I believe it's only fair that I point out the list of things I don't know in contrast to my last list of things that I do know.  I would like to point out though that it took me a long time to come up with this list - and it required a great deal of help.

As a side note, I had to go outside of regular parenting, because I couldn't come up with enough entertaining things. Not that I'm a rock star Mom or anything, but my kid is only 5....And I've pretty much mastered wiping her butt, cooking frozen pizza and picking out lice.  So...there is that.

*  I can not sew. Like anything.  I got these awesome drapes at Ikea about a million years ago - and the whole point of driving all the way to Ikea was because they were UBER long and cheap. But they came with this special sticky iron on crap. Simple enough. Cut the hem, iron the tape. Instant drapes. I couldn't even do that. My drapes look like I let my kid do it. Which is what I tell people.  However, I can scrapbook you around the block.

*  I can not tell you where North Dakota is. Well, I mean I know that North Dakota is above South Dakota...But that's about it.  If I had to actually pinpoint it on a map it would be "somewhere in the middle".  That's why I have a GPS.  And the internet.  Well, and planes.  And also, I really don't give a shit where North Dakota is.  I'm from Texas - it's pretty much the only state we care about.

*  My husband says I don't know anything about computers.  But he's full of crap.

*  I can not keeps plants alive. As hard as I try, and as much money as I spend, everything I plant in the ground dies a horrible, tragic, burnt to a crisp death.  I'm pretty sure that there is some sort of lava running under my flower bed.  Or toxic waste.  Or maybe an old cemetery and the dead souls are eating my plants.  Either way - everything dies. 

*  I can not paint my toes. I haven't paid for a manicure in forever - but God help me paint my toes.  I'm sure if I lost 30 pounds it would help. Being able to bend over at the waist would probably help with this task.

*  I. Can. Not. Shut. Up.  True Story Y'all.

You?

If you've had a baby, then chances are you've had a baby shower.  I had a lovely baby shower.  My mother threw it for me at her house.  We had it outside by the pool - and even though it was early August in Northern Virginia - the breeze was blowing, and the booze was flowing.

Sidenote:  Don't have a baby shower without booze.  The pregnant lady may not be able to drink, but if you are going to force other people to sit in 100 degree heat and Oooh and Ahhhh about little pink outfits for two hours...Make sure their half lite while they are doing it.

My sister gave me a scrapbook at the end of the day, with pictures that she took throughout the day of all the guests that had come - with little "words of advice" that each had written for me - tucked near their picture.  All of them were really nice...really they were.  And at the time, I'm sure I read each every one of them and tried to burn them into memory.  Most of the women that were there were already mothers, so I just KNEW that they knew something that I didn't.

However, five years later, I still haven't been able to take most of that advice.  For example:

Someone said..."Sleep when the baby sleeps".  Yea, I never did that.  I watched the baby sleep. Amazed that I had a baby.  And terrified that if I fell asleep she wouldn't wake up.  That just isn't advice I could take.

Someone else said...."You aren't your mother. Your house WILL be a mess"  Yea, that didn't work either. I still clean as much as I can, and I have an obsession with wicker baskets to keep all the crap hidden away.

My kid sister is currently growing a person - ready to blow any minute - so I've decided to give her some REAL advice.  None of this ooey gooey crap. Real sage advice that she can take to the bank.

*  Don't have a couch that has back cushions that can come off.  That shit is going to drive you crazy. Actually, if you can manage it - find a couch that goes ALL the way to the floor.  The amount of shit under my couch is disgusting.  Regardless of the amount of wicker baskets in my house.

*  Find a pediatrician that admits directly to the hospital and actually has PRIVILEGES at the hospital.  This will save you a lot of trouble if, God forbid, you ever end up there with double pneumonia.  Waiting 30 hours to see a doctor will give you an ulcer.  Trust me on this one.

*  You may sound like a bitch, but limit the amount of stuffed animals in your house.  What other people find cute, your child will probably find revolting and give him nightmares. I have trash bags full of teddy bears.  I will never end up as the crazy cat lady...but I run the risk of dying in my basement surrounded by 3000 teddy bears that I didn't know what to do with.  This rule also applies to legos and play doh.

*  I actually DO own a leash.  I don't CARE what people say. I have a child that runs. One day she and I will get past it, and some how I'm sure the 37th technique I try will work.  But for now - when we go to Disney, we use it. I sleep fine at night. The advice is:  If it works for you, go with it. Screw everyone else. 


*  If you have a funny feeling about your daycare. Trust it. Even if you are wrong - you lose nothing.

*  Right now you probably argue about money, or sex, or maybe who cleans the toilet.  Hell, maybe you don't argue about anything.  In a little while you are adding a person to the family. You WILL argue about that at some point in time.  Either diapers, or who gets up at 2:00 am, or just BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT. It's fine. It'll pass.

*  Don't watch Oprah. Or 60 Minutes. Under any circumstances Law & Order:SVU.  Or any show that involves children in bad situations. Basically just stick with the Food Network and Discovery Channel.

Any body else got anything? We want the good stuff y'all....

So you remember last month - my husband and I were going to take our first trip just the two of us? Three days of booze and sex and cuss words? And of course, 12 hours before we left I started my period.

What followed that was also bronchitis for both of us and my kid got her teeth knocked out.  In addition, a week later she came home with lice.

It's been AWESOME.

Well! This last Wednesday I started my period and because I am my best competition. I decided to check my daughter into the local hospital with double pnemonia.

About a week and a half ago - I think, honestly I've lost all track of time - she came down with a slight fever and was complaining of headaches.  The following Sunday it was the same - and because I am the very model of Paranoid Mother, I took her to the Urgent Care to be tested for the Flu.  Both H1N1 and Seasonal Flu came back as negative, so they sent us on our way.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same. She just wasn't great - but not awful. She's pissed that she can't go to school. Pissed that she can't play outside. Pissed because the sky is blue.  Pissed because Elmo is red.  You know the drill.

Wednesday I decided to take just ONE MORE DAY to be sure whatever it was had past, and we were sitting on the couch...and something...I don't know...Just didn't seem "right".  I asked her if anything hurt. No. I asked her if it hurt to breath.  No. No temperature. No signs of struggle really.  Just this weird fast breathing thing.

I called the pediatrician, again PARANOID MOTHER, and got her in.  The next hour played like one of my anxiety attack nightmares.  We were at the Pediatrician office for all of 20 minutes because apparently my kid was on the verge of having NO OXYGEN!  AMBULANCE! EMS GUYS! LOTS OF MACHINES!

Needless to say, we were the hit of the Ped office that day.  In fact, I think the nurse we had that day was right out of nursing school - because I think he was about to have a stroke. The doctor had to kick him out of the room because he was starting to freak ME out. And I don't need anyone to freak me out.  I do that just fine on my own.

So, now I'm in an ambulance. With my kid. And she's freaking out. And I'm trying to make small talk, but she can't talk because she's got all this shit wrapped around her head trying to give her air and the EMS guy is talking into his walkie talkie in their weird EMS code - like the stuff you see on ER.

We get wheeled into the ER. LOTS of blood was taken. THAT was fun. Snot was stolen. Swabs and X-Rays.

Oh, did I forget to mention that my husband is TWO HOURS away and can't get to me.  So, he's currently trying to break the speed of light.  And because of the Swine Flu shit - the whole hospital is on lock down and no one is allowed in the ER but parents. So, MY parents are sitting in the waiting room with their thumbs up their ass.  If there ever was a time that I needed MY Mommy...It would have been then. Asshole Swine Flu.

So, finally she's admitted. We were there for about three days.  And it sucked ass.

That's where I've been. Sitting on a plastic couch, with a crappy Wi-Fi connection watching endless hours of Sponge Bob Square Pants and listening to the hissing sounds of a breathing machine.

She's back home now. No longer pissed about the color of Elmo's skin - and happily playing at school today. I, however, have finally found some alone time to sit and write here and have my nervous break down in private.

I will give every one fair warning before I start my period in November...Because I'm sure the Eastern seaboard will fall into the ocean.

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Before I close, a couple of things.  I know I haven't been around a lot lately, I think I have a pretty good reason...Please forgive for the lack of comments on YOUR blogs. I currently have 172 posts to read in my reader. I doubt I will be able to get through all of them....

Also, a quick shout out to "J" and her Mom. We've got a couple of new readers here. Hi Ladies.