The Mini Van Soap Box

It's a wonder I look forward to summer.  I imagine it's more because I detest the cold - but so many things just, well, suck, in the summer - that I almost forget that I hate the cold.  And almost all of my problems are centrally located in my backyard.

Let me start of by saying that in a perfect world (and by perfect I mean where I have lots and lots of money) this is not what my backyard would look like.  I don't really care for the patio. I can't stand those beams around it. The whole thing has sunk over the years - and during really bad storms the water comes crashing into the basement window wells and we have leaking issues.  The whole yard needs to be re-graded, the patio removed, the beams removed.....blahblahblah.  It's a lot of work - and a lot of money.

So, I do the best I can with what I have. I move on! I'm glass HALF FULL!  I try to move the eye from the ugly to the pretty! Flowers! Bushes! Trees!


However...the ugly is winning the battle.  There's only so much I can do.

Exhibit 1:  My husband is a dork. And decided to get in a snow ball fight with my daughter...and apparently threw an ice ball instead.  See?  He still hasn't fixed it - so everytime it rains...or the wind blows...it shreds just a little bit more.


Exhibit 2:  My daughter is over the moon for green peppers and tomatoes.  I can't buy them fast enough for her. Awesome...I know! But expensive as crap. So, brilliant me decided to grow her OWN freakin' vegetables this year.  And now the sun is just killing them! Killing Them! The sun exploded over my backyard and there is nothing I can do except build the vegetables a tent.



A letter from the Home Owners Association will be coming any day now, I'm sure.  It will be addressed to "White Trash Neighbors".

The summer between high school and college was a busy one.  Saying goodbye to old friends and making sure you get in all the partying you possibly can before everyone leaves.  Most of my friends were packing trunks for far away exotic schools.   I was unable to go away to college - so I didn't really have to pack, or shop, or really anything.  All I needed was a parking pass for the local Community College.....and a tan.

Spent a few days at the beach the week before school started and convinced myself that I could get a fantastic tan - in two days. It sounds logical when your 18.   So, what does a dumb ass like me do? I laid out - from about 10 in the morning to almost 6 at night (I also never turned over). At about that time my mom came outside to basically CALL me a dumb ass and to get my lobster body back inside. 

By the way, I guess it's important to mention that I wasn't wearing any sunscreen.  At all. I know.  Dumb Ass.

I won't tell the whole story, because honestly it's kind of gross and depressing - but let's just say after everything was said and done I wept through my first college class, got thrown out because I was scaring people - and ended up in the ER with 2nd degree burns on both my legs and arms. 

Thus started the next 20 years of everyone in my life being on sun screen patrol.

This last week my husband and I got to spend a few days in Key West.  Parts of the trip were great - some parts not so much.  Like Delta losing our luggage.  That was awesome. We learned a new acronym for Delta while we were there....Don't Expect Luggage Too Arrive.  Funny, huh? Yeah, we were laughing our sweaty, nasty, non-teeth brushed asses off for a whole day.

When the luggage finally arrived, we decided my husband would just go get it...Instead of trusting them to deliver it to us - and I sat by the pool to wait for him.  2....maybe 3 hours total in the sun.

Ever been to Key West? It's fun isn't it? You know what else it is? It's a million miles closer to the sun. It's a special kind of sun down there - with a really special kind of heat. It's hot. We had the air conditioning in the room set to 63. And it wasn't even all that cold.

By Thursday night we knew I was going to have an issue - and by Friday morning I couldn't walk anymore. My right leg and ankle had swollen up so much it was starting to resemble my neck.

A week later - I've seen two different doctors - have about 2000 mg of drugs to take - some sticky white cream that I have to lather on 4 times a day - and a leg that STILL resembles a neck of a WWF wrestler.  It's also a really interesting purple/blackish color. Ugly and crusty. Totally gross.  I'm going to tell people that I saved people from a burning building....Because no one believes me when I say it came from the sun.  So, it still looks gross - but I'll be a hero. And not get that "you fucking idiot" look from everyone.

Oh, and my Mom? She's PISSED. Like UBER pissed.  But it's that scary pissed that a mom gets - when it's laced with sweetness and wanting to take care of you....But you know when you start to heal and get better she's going to beat you to death with a bottle of Aloe.

The only good thing that has come out of this is that I have sufficiently scared the shit out of my kid.  Now she's afraid to go to the grocery store without sunscreen.  She's determined to NEVER be as stupid as her mother.

I'm a walking Public Service Announcement.  Except I'm not really walking all that well...more of a limping hobbling PSA.