You know that phrase "one-two punch"? We're well past that. We've been punched repeatedly and left bleeding in the ring - except we don't have one of those guys like Rocky did with a glass of water and razor blade to cut our eye open so we can see again.
According to people smarter than me - we've had more snow this winter season than any winter season on record. Apparently they have been keeping records for 126 years...so technically NO ONE ALIVE has ever seen this much snow in this area. Isn't that FASCINATING? Yea, I don't think it is either. Additionally to a 126 year record breaking snow fall - we also have had more snow this winter than places that are supposed to get a lot of snow. Like Chicago. Or Minneapolis. And FARGO NORTH DAKOTA. You know what? That's why I don't live there. I didn't see that movie Fargo...but I know two things. They talk a little funny...and there was snow. A lot of it.
So, two weeks ago it started with a sick kid. And not the kind you can, you know, like FIX with drugs and stuff. It's that stupid word viral. Which in non-doctor terms means "Sucks To Be You Mom". So, she was home for almost the entire week. Then we got five feet of snow dropped on top of us in two serperate installments which essentially shut the entire state down for another week and a half.
We lost power for almost an entire day. That was fun too. I'll tell you what...I could never be Amish. Neither could my kid. I thought her head was going to explode. I had fun explaining to her that back in the OLDEN days...There WAS no Wii. She actually feels sorry for her Grandparents. The horrible lives they must have lived....walking uphill to school both ways, holding a Wii controller in their hand, but nothing to use it on.
So, eventually you make it out of your house - if for nothing else but to restock on beer, frozen dinners and juice boxes and that's when you get thrown in jail for cramming a snow shovel up someones ass. I'm no expert by any means - and when Town Official People tell me to stay off the roads or else I may die, I listen - however I know the general rule of driving in the snow if I have to.
First. Get the snow off your car. I love it when huge shards of ice and crap come flying at my windshield. It's like a video game. jerk wad.
Second. Don't slam on the brakes when you are on an incline...Especially if I'm behind you. douche bag.
Third. Driving like Ms. Daisy is not necessarily making you safer than everyone else...It's actually pissing everyone off because now we can't get any traction. asshole.
The slow process of digging out has begun and I'm sure in a few weeks when the slow thaw begins I'll start bitching about the water damage in the basement. Woot!
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Update: Apparently the guy that cuts your eye open is called a Cutman. A bit on the nose don't you think.
Update 2: I thought that the Cutman from Rocky was Burgess Meredith...(that old guy from Grumpy Old Men) but it wasn't. I think that movie would have been much better if Burgess Meredith had slashed his eye open.
Update 3: I have no idea why I'm talking about this - I actually hate that movie. But not Burgess Meredith. He could call me if he wanted to.
Update 4: Shit. Nevermind. He's dead. That phone call would scare the crap out of me.
We have had an uncivilized amount of snow this winter. I mean, truly, I don't think that snow is one of the 10 plagues...(because really, that's kind of a stupid plague) but I'm calling SNOW PLAGUE NUMBER 11. You know WHY? Because you get stuck. In your house. With your family. And there really is only so many times you can play Candy Land until you start bleeding from your eyes. And bleeding from your eyes ranks right up there with frogs and festering boils.
Additionally, snow is wet. It makes everything around it wet. For a long time. And when the snow keeps coming and coming and coming - it never melts. (I know, I'm a freaking genius right?) Now, it's not like anything round these parts is green and pretty around this time of year - but the wet and the moist just makes it worse. The grass and shrubs just aren't brown and dead, they are brown and dead and squishy.
Except for my neighbor. Somehow all of her snow melts. And somehow her grass is green. Like REALLY green. Lush and blooming. It's unnatural. Also, her car never seems to have that constant white film on it from all the salt and crap from the roads. Witch! Dark Magic! I'm positive she's got some serious dark mojo incense burning in her basement - which I BET doesn't have a mildew or musty smell to it!
In completely unrelated news - I got a nasty gram that I haven't' posted in like two weeks. It wasn't really nasty at all really - it was more of a "dude, where are you?" - and I was all "Oh, shit has it really been two weeks!?" You would think by being locked inside my house for the last month with no where to go I would time to sit and write something. But the truth is - when you are locked in your house nothing really funny happens. And I don't think y'all want to hear about my bleeding eyes or endless games of 'Guess Who'.
I did spend a lot of time of Haiti Relief. See?
That's a lot of toothbrushes y'all. Lots of people from my office and my church pitched in and we donated to a missionary group that was setting sail for Haiti at the end of January. Felt good to contribute SOMETHING since I'm broke.
But probably the most exciting news is that LOST is back on. There is much rejoicing in my house. Well, except for the five year old. I try to explain it to her - but alternate time lines seem to leave her cold and she phases out after about five minutes and she just starts mumbling "Candy Land" over and over again.
I wonder if the Witch could explain it to her.
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