Hi everyone! Sorry for the delay in updating my blog. I wanted to take the time needed to write this story down and share it with those who were interested in reading it.
I have taken the breaks that Baby Finn is giving me between feedings to write down my thoughts. I will warn you, it's very long. So, for those of you who prefer to get the Campbell's Soup (condensed) version, I've typed up a brief list of events instead of the long story. For those of you who like the details, they are all here. :)
My Birth Story - The Short Version:
I was 38 weeks when I went to my routine weekly checkup with the midwives. They checked my ovarian cyst because they thought it was causing pain. In the ultrasound, they found that the cyst was fine, and that I had low amniotic fluids. Because it was low enough to cause concern, I was induced on June 28 at American Fork Hospital.
I labored for 12 overnight hours on Pitocin with no epidural. I was able to get through the contractions through breathing and using hypnobirthing techniques. I also had a great support system there to help me work through the pain. My husband Arthur spent hours providing counter pressure on my knees to get me through.
I got an epidural after the 12 hours so I could rest. I labored for an additional 6 hours and was able to progress fairly quickly due to being more relaxed and rested.
I had Baby Finn at 12:55 PM after 18 hours of labor, and he was happy and healthy when he arrived.
Now, for the long version for those of you interested in reading it. :)
My Birth Story - The Long Version:
Before I
went into labor:
My birth
story starts earlier than when I went into labor. I consider the beginning of my birth story to
include my 20 week ultrasound because there are pieces of what I learned there
that tie into my labor story.
I believe
the 20 week ultrasound was my first glance into the world that my baby comes
from. The view and the information you
get from that 2D black and white screen is invaluable. I feared my 20 week ultrasound, and was also
excited.
Some of the
fears I had were related to whether or not we would spot any heart problems or
growth defects. I also worried about his
size and his development. I wanted a
normal baby, just like everyone else does.
When we went
to the ultrasound, the tech was doing the initial checks on my anatomy, such as
finding my cervix, and my ovaries. She
was able to locate my left ovary but not my right one. She asked me if I had any pain in my abdomen,
and I told her that I didn't. She told
me that the reason for her asking was because she had spotted a large cyst
sitting where my ovary should be. She
pointed out a big black circle on the screen.
She told me
that it didn't look too bad, but that she still wanted my OB doctor to take a
look at it. She printed out some
ultrasound pictures that he would look over when we had our meeting with him
later.
When it came
to baby, she said everything looked normal.
I was so relieved, and happy. I
did have a new concern and fear that replaced my worry about my baby,
though. I looked forward to my OB
telling me more about the cyst.
In the
meeting with my OB, he told me that it was a simple cyst and that it was just
fluid-filled and it shouldn't cause any issue with the growth or delivery of my
baby. He said the only thing that
concerned him was the size of the cyst, 8 CM - or as big as a baseball.
My main
worry about the cyst was that it was going to cause issue when I was
delivering. I was afraid of the pain it
would cause if it ruptured or twisted. I
read horror stories about the pain that this kind of cyst can cause. With my desire to have a natural childbirth,
this didn't go well together.
Fast forward
to when I was 28 weeks. I had been
having monthly ultrasounds with the same OB.
He told me that the cyst wasn't growing any bigger, and that it was
staying the same size. I also hadn't
been experiencing any pain, so I wasn't very worried about it anymore.
I ended up
"firing" this OB because he did not respond kindly to my birth plan
when I presented it to him. I went in
with my top 5 preferences for my birth.
These
preferences were:
1.
I wanted to labor at home for as long as
possible, and not be induced by Pitocin or Cytotec. I also did not want Cervidil to soften my
cervix.
2.
I did not want an IV or a hep lock. A hep lock is a port that they put in your
hand to initiate an IV quickly if needed, and it is not connected to an IV
line.
3.
I wanted intermittent monitoring of the fetal
heartbeat and my contractions. I didn't
want to have them strapped to me during my stay at the hospital.
4.
I did not want my water broken by anyone. I wanted it to release naturally through the
laboring process.
5.
When baby Finn was born, I wanted to make sure
that the cord was able to pulse and go flat and empty before it was clamped and
cut. My request was to wait at least a
minute for this to happen.
I have the
why's behind all of these birth plan preferences, but I figured I would share
them if anyone asked me specifically why they were important to me.
Since my OB
did not respond positively and kindly to my top 5 (let alone my other specific
preferences), I knew that he wasn't going to be able to support me in my desire
for the birth I had been envisioning.
I was able
to find a new group of physicians to support me, even though I was already 32
weeks when I transferred my records. I
decided to go with a group of midwives and OBs who had been highly recommended
by my Hypnobirth Instructor, Lauralyn Curtis.
I scheduled my first appointment with the midwives at Central Utah
Clinic to occur at my 32 week appointment.
When I went
to see Claudia the midwife, she was amazing at listening to me and responding
positively to my top 5 preferences. She
even told me before I went over them that the group of midwives she works with
already do them. She did discuss some
alternative perspectives about me keeping an open mind, and I appreciated that
she was assertive enough to explain why this is important.
I met
bi-weekly with them until I reached 36 weeks, and then I started meeting weekly
with them. Every appointment I was told
that everything was looking fine and that Baby Finn's heartbeat and growth rate
was looking great.
The day
everything changed:
At my 38
week appointment on Friday, June 28, Arthur and I went to see a nurse
practitioner (NP) instead of a midwife, since she was the only one available
that day. She measured me at 37.5 CM for
my fundal height and was able to get Finn's heartbeat right away. She confirmed that he was head down and
wasn't sure of his position and whether or not he was facing forward or
backward. She said he still had a couple
of weeks to spin facing backwards before he was going to get here.
She asked me
if I had any questions, so brought up that I had some pain earlier in the week
on Monday. The pain had been low, on my
right side about where my cyst was last seen in an ultrasound. The pain had been intense, so much that I was
walking bent over at work and the only thing that would ease it was lying
down. The NP was concerned and so she
decided to have me get an ultrasound just to check on the cyst to see if it had
turned on itself or if it had ruptured.
The only
appointment available for an ultrasound was 2 hours later, so Arthur and I
decided not to go home, but to stay out and about until that time. I was scheduled to work from home, and
figured I could email my boss and let him know that I hadn't been able to get
online after the fact, and request PTO for the whole day off.
Arthur and I
spent a few minutes at Babies R Us looking around. I remember thinking as we walked through the
store that I was all ready with everything I needed for a baby. We couldn't find anything to buy. It was one of the first times we walked out
of that store empty-handed. Arthur and I
were going to stop somewhere to eat, but I couldn't decide what I wanted. Now, thinking back, I wished I would have
eaten something. :)
We got Jamba
Juice because of how hot it was outside.
We drank that and drove back to the clinic to get my ultrasound. I remember worrying about my bladder, because
they told me I'd have to drink as much as possible so they could see the
cyst. I waddled into the clinic and told
them that I was ready and that my bladder was very full. They were able to get us right back to do the
ultrasound.
We went into
the ultrasound room. We were both
secretly really excited that we'd been offered an ultrasound so we could see
Baby Finn. It had been 10 weeks since
the last time we'd seen him in an ultrasound.
I lay down
on the table, and she started it up. She
searched for my cyst down low where my pain had been earlier. She wasn't able to see it. She moved the wand around quite a bit, but it
was nowhere to be found. She confirmed
that Baby Finn was head down, so that was a relief to actually see it.
She moved
the wand to the upper right side. She
found the cyst! There it was, big, black
and looming. She measured it and said
that it was still 8CM. I was slightly
relieved when she found it, and happy that it hadn't grown much more. Because it was intact, and it was still
considered simple, she said there wasn't anything concerning with the cyst.
She then
proceeded to measure the water in the amniotic sac. She looked at the deepest areas where there
should be the most fluid from the baby to the wall, such as the areas behind
his knees. She told me that there wasn't
a lot of fluid.
After the
ultrasound, she sent us back to a room to wait for our NP to go over the
results. Another nurse returned and let
us know that we needed to do a non-stress test to check to see if Baby Finn was
in distress from having low fluids. I
became nervous, because I knew that a non-stress test meant that they were
going to have more data to back up any interventions that could happen. I took some deep breaths and reassured myself
(with Arthur's help of course) that it would be ok.
My
hypnobirthing really helped at this point, because some of my affirmations came
into my mind. Statements like "I
trust my body and I follow its lead" and "I follow whatever path my
birthing takes." I needed to relax
because if I was stressed in the non-stress test, then that could mean Baby
Finn would feel it and it could affect his heart rate, etc.
We went into
the non-stress test room and Arthur and I both got to sit in one of the big
comfortable leather recliners. I had the
nurse explain to Arthur what a non-stress test was. The non-stress test is so they can watch how
Baby Finn reacts to my contractions, and see if his heart rate changes. To "pass" the non-stress test, the
nurse said they like to see a baseline heart rate, and at least 3 rises and 3
drops in the rate from this baseline to show that the baby is having normal ups
and downs in the rate. If the rate
stayed too low or too high during the contractions, we would know that there
was a problem.
She hooked
me up to the machine with those two monitors attached to fat soft elastic
bands. I was surprised to see that I was
actually having contractions. Arthur was
able to watch the monitor and tell me when my contractions were really
strong. I focused and was able to
identify how they felt, since I had been worried that I'd never felt any
contractions up to the 38 weeks in my pregnancy. It felt like stretching, from way down low up
to the top of my uterus. It wasn't
painful, but I could feel the pressure from the stretch all throughout my
abdomen. I think I had just not known
that those feelings were contractions until I had something telling me that it
was a contraction.
The nurse
came back in after 20 minutes and looked at the results. She said that she was seeing some good rises
and drops and that we may be ok. She
said that the NP would have the final say, though. For the rest of the test, I tried to breathe
really deeply and relax the best I could.
My though process was focused on having a positive outcome that would
allow for the NP to say that Baby Finn did well and that we could go on with
our lives.
After the
test, Arthur and I went back into the patient room and waited for the NP to
come in. When she did, she looked a
little concerned. She told us that the
results had come back normal, and that Baby Finn wasn't in a high level of
distress. She did say that there was a
slight hiccup during one of my contractions where his heart rate did drop a
little bit. She said that she would have
the OB in the clinic that day look at the results and recommend the best course
of action.
She then
started talking about the fluid levels around Baby Finn. She said that they use a calculation to
determine how much fluid is around the baby.
They take several measurements and add them up to a specific number. The
number is called the amniotic fluid index (AFI) evaluation or deep pocket
measurements. If an AFI shows a fluid level of less than 5 centimeters, then
there is risk to the cord when there is a contraction or labor because there is
no cushion between the baby and the wall of the uterus. She told us our number was less than 5, and
was sitting around a 4.7. She said that
if the fluid had been at 1-2, then she would have taken me for a c-section
right away. She said that if the fluid
is from 3 - 5, then it is strongly recommended to induce immediately.
I asked her
what our other options were. One of the
things we learned in hypnobirth class was to ask BRAWN. What are the benefits? Risks?
Are there any alternatives? What
happens if we wait? What happens if we
do nothing? I started to scramble with
worry and asked her if we could go home and drink a lot of water and get
checked again on Monday. She said that
could be an option, but the main risk is that Baby Finn could have an issue
with his umbilical cord becoming pinched between his body and the wall of the
uterus because there is so little fluid to cushion him.
She went to
check with the OB on the results of the non-stress test, and Arthur and I
talked about it while she was away. I
was very worried that she would tell me that I needed to be induced, by
Pitocin, or another method that day. Arthur
commented that if Baby Finn was at risk then maybe it's the right thing to
do. He mentioned that it could be that
day that we go in to have Baby Finn. It
was suddenly very real in my mind.
She came
back and said that the OB had looked at the numbers and that he also
recommended that we induce labor right away and not wait. I took some deep breaths and cried a bit as I
asked her what that meant for the process.
She said they would use Pitocin or Cytotec to induce the labor, and that
they might use Cervidil to help soften my cervix. At this point, I cried for real and she
empathized with me and said she knew that I had a birth plan to go
naturally. I really did feel like she
was sorry and that there was something more that could be done. I declined Cytotec because it is a pill that
you take. Once the contractions start,
then you can't stop them. It can cause
uterine rupture, or death. I told her I
would prefer Pitocin because you can turn that drip off if needed unlike
Cytotec.
She told me
that she wanted to check me to see how much I was dilated. I consented because I wanted to know what I
was up against. When she checked me, she
said that I was only about 1 CM open. I
was pretty upset at that point, knowing that there was a long way to go.
Arthur and I
finally agreed that induction was the safest thing for Baby Finn, knowing that
his cord could have a problem if he continued to live in such a little amount
of fluid. The NP told us to go home and
pack our things and be back to American Fork Hospital within the hour.
We drove
home and on the way there, I felt like I was in a bad dream. I felt in shock that my whole birth plan was
going out the window. Everything that I
had prepared for with my natural birth was going to be changed by the
induction. I would have an IV. I would have contractions that I may or may
not be able to handle without an epidural.
I would not be able to labor in a tub, at home up to the point of being
at a 7 or an 8. I would be opening the
door to all of the interventions that I had been so against almost my whole
pregnancy.
I cried
silently as we got closer to our house.
When we got there, I grabbed the last-minute things I needed that I
hadn't packed yet. I was grateful that I
had prepared a "grab list" of things that I would need when it was
time to go to the hospital. Arthur
loaded everything into our Toyota Scion XB (the carseat is in that car), and we
were on our way. When we parked at the
hospital, Arthur took my picture in front of it because I felt like I should
document that it was the last moment we would have together outside before our
baby was here.
At the
hospital:
We went in
and went straight to labor and delivery.
I remember picking up the phone to call the nurses desk to unlock the
door to let us in. I felt awkward saying
"I'm here to deliver" as the reason for us coming to labor and
delivery. It was surreal.
They buzzed
us in and took us right to our delivery room.
The nurse showed me my personal belongings bag to put my street clothes
in. She also got me out a gown. I asked her if I could wear my own clothes,
as I had bought my birthing gown. She
told me that it would probably get dirty/bloody/gross. I thought for a moment and knew that I wanted
to wear it for my actual birth and that I would be ok wearing the hospital gown
for the first part of the labor in case my water broke.
I remember
walking into the bathroom and looking at the tub and crying again that I
wouldn't be able to spend time in there.
I came out
and changed into the hospital gown.
Arthur took a video of me sitting on the edge of the bed because I
wanted to document where I was at that point.
I remember consciously thinking that I should be a little positive in
case Baby Finn watched the movie someday.
I didn't want him to think that we were not ready for him to come, or
not happy for his early arrival. Now,
looking back and watching the movie, it is easy to see how anxious and sad I
am.
For some reason, this video won't play on iPhones. It works on computers, both Mac and PC.
After I was
dressed, the nurse came in and told me it was time to start my Pitocin IV. It was about 6:00 PM at this point. I'd heard a few horror stories from some of
my family members who told me that they were started too high on the drip, and
the contractions came on very strong, very fast. I imagined it being like I was hit by a
bus. I told the nurse I wanted to start
out at the lowest possible setting. She
said that there were settings by increments of 2. She said if I started at a 2, it could double
the amount it takes to get into active labor.
She said that the contractions leading up to active labor were not as
bad, and that I should avoid prolonging it if possible. I thought through it, and realized that I was
going to want to get this over with as soon as possible. I agreed to start at a 4. She told me that every 30 minutes, she would
come in and turn it up 4 more points, to a maximum of 20. She also reassured me that the contractions
would not hit me like a bus, and that they would slowly get more and more
strong with each one, and that it would give me time to adjust to the stronger
ones.
She hooked
me up to the IV and started the drip.
For the first few minutes, I felt nothing. As I was waiting for something to happen,
Arthur went to get a movie from the hospital so we could watch it together to
keep my mind off of the fact that I was being induced. He came back with Look Who's Talking, which
is one of the classic movies that shows the type of birth I don't want to
have. Screaming, yelling and breathing
incorrectly. I laughed at him and told
him I would probably look away at those parts.
As the contractions
started to roll in, my sister and my friend called me. It was funny because I would have
contractions throughout the conversation and I would have to breathe through
them and pause what I was saying. I got
through the conversations pretty well, and could tell that the contractions
were getting stronger.
The labor intensifies:
As they
started to get worse, I started using my surge breathing technique that I
learned in Hypnobirth class. I would
breathe slowly in for as long as I could and regulate my breath out as slowly
as I could. Both breaths came in and out
my nose. The breathing really helped me
feel like my body was relaxed through them.
At one
point, I remember standing up was helpful as I was able to move back and forth
from one foot to the other to breathe through them. Arthur was able to get this on video.
For some reason, this video won't play on iPhones. It works on computers, both Mac and PC.
For the
first few hours, I was able to manage through them ok. I found that lying down in the bed was the
most comfortable position for me. I
listened to music and met each contraction with a big deep breath. At this point, I wasn't using any sort of
visualizations, aside from focusing on my breathing and how big I could make my
lungs as I met each contraction. Arthur
didn't need to do much in the first couple of hours because I was doing great
managing through them on my own. He
watched Look Who's Talking and ate snacks.
He kept asking me if I needed anything, and I just breathed through more
contractions in response.
Once they
started picking up, they began to get stronger and closer together. There were several times in the middle of the
night, probably around 2 or 3 AM that I felt like I couldn't do it
anymore. I kept trying my best to move
around into different positions, within the short periods of time I had between
each contraction.
I spent some
time standing up, shifting my weight back and forth between my feet. I put the birthing ball on the bed and leaned
against it the best I could, considering the fact that I had the monitor cords
coming from my left side and my IV coming out of my right hand. It was really difficult to feel like I could
be mobile enough to get comfortable. I
do believe I would have been more comfortable if I could have eliminated one of
the two things tethering me to the bed.
But, because monitoring is required with Pitocin, I didn't really have a
choice.
Other
positions I tried were hugging Arthur around the neck, as if we were slow
dancing. I really wanted to do this one
so he could support my weight. When we
were in the Daddy Doula course, I felt like this position was going to the bet
the best for me, since Arthur is so tall and he is so strong and able to
support my weight. The first time I
tried it, my arm was pulled back by the IV cord. I couldn't get in a position that was
comfortable enough to do this. It
frustrated me a lot.
I also tried
sitting on the edge of the bed, and lying on my side. most of these positions were only comfortable
for maybe 1 or 2 short contractions, and then they got to be too painful to
deal with.
I was able
to manage through them mostly with breathing, and when I had position that
shifted my mind from focusing on my breathing, then I wasn't able to
successfully handle them without feeling pain.
The most effective position for me ended up being in bed, sitting up
slightly, with a pillow behind my lower back, under each arm, under my knees
and under my feet. The nurse had to go to another room to get me additional
pillows, because I was using 6 pillows.
Around 4 AM,
it had been more than 12 hours since I ate last, and I hadn't had any
sleep. I was exhausted. I had slept in the day previously until 8AM,
which is not normal for me. I had been
waking up around 5AM most mornings for work, so the fact that I slept in a bit
was a good thing. Although, this didn't matter much after almost 10 hours of
overnight labor.
A few times
I would go to the bathroom since I was on saline drip to keep me hydrated. I didn't like having contractions on the
toilet, because it hurt to sit on that hard seat. I usually had 2-3 contractions each time I went
to the bathroom. It took me awhile to
get in and out.
I remember
one bathroom trip pretty clearly. I
remember sitting there wondering how I was going to get myself through to more
active labor and how I was going to even have the energy to get my baby out. I worried about a C-Section being my result
because of how tired I was, and how quickly the contractions were coming.
As I came
out of the bathroom, I told Arthur I wasn't sure I could do it much longer and
that I wanted to know what my pain management options were. I didn't say my "code word" which
was supposed to be said only if I was ready for an epidural and I wouldn't be
argued with. I felt like if I told
Arthur that I was at a place mentally that I was nearing needing an epidural,
he might be able to help get me out of that place.
As I sat
down on the bed, I remember doing so a little off-centered. I felt a bit of wetness and I glanced down at
my legs. I realized that my water had
broken. It wasn't a huge gush, just a
little flick of water. I had my nurse
check, and she confirmed that it was my water, and that it was only a small
amount. This reassured me that my fluid
really had been low. I was grateful that
it released on its own.
A good
strategy:
One of the
nurses was excellent, her name was Heather. She suggested that Arthur try some
counter pressure on my knees during the contractions. They had me get back in bed, and sit it up a
bit so I wasn't so reclined. I put my
pillows on either side of my body under my arms, and bent my knees up. Arthur stood at the foot of the bed and
pushed the palms of his hands into the area just below my knees as each contraction came. This put major pressure on my lower back and allowed me to counteract the pain
with his pressure.
I put on a
track called Reflections that I had downloaded from The Birth Year. My Hypnobirth instructor's husband wrote the
tracks. (http://www.thebirthyear.com/artists/israel-curtis/ ) It was a beautiful, abstract ambient song that allowed me to create an amazing
visualization during my contractions.
I hadn't
ever found a visualization throughout my labor that had helped me stay focused
and get me into the zone. I had thought
of different things that Arthur and I had practiced, but none of them really
took me away like I needed them to. This
song brought up some amazing images in my mind that took me to a beautiful
river. It was similar to the Snake River
in Idaho near our family's cabin. I
remember visualizing myself lying in a canoe and putting my arms and legs out
and floating along. I would pass a boat
occasionally that Finn was sitting in.
He was not a baby in my visualization, though. He was about 6 or 7. He waved at me each time and called out
"Hi mom!"
Just
thinking of this is bringing back such strong emotions. I remember thinking about how happy and
relaxed I was floating down that river.
I could feel the warm sun on my face, and I could hear the birds and the
wind.
I recall
going to this place at the beginning of each surge. I would take a huge deep breath and make a
motion with my hand so Arthur knew my contraction was starting. He would lunge forward and press with all of
his might into my knees. My eyes rolled
back in my head as I took myself back to that river and saw Finn in the boat
once again waving at me. This worked
every time, and at one point, I was so relaxed I was able to fall asleep in
between some of the contractions.
The timing between
the contractions was not consistent.
Some breaks were 2-3 minutes, some were 40 seconds, and some were closer
to 4 minutes. The longer breaks were
great, but they also scared me. I
constantly came out of my trancelike state to check on my Pitocin drip. I was so worried that there was a kink in the
line. A kink in the line meant that once
it was released, there would be a bigger dose of the drug into my veins. This would usually result in a contraction
that was too strong to handle. At this
point, I had been at a 20 on the drip amount for hours. It was the maximum dosage.
I remember
at one point during these surges a very memorable experience. I had just come back from one of the surges,
and I opened my eyes briefly and smiled at Arthur. I called out "Arthur, I'm doing it!" I was so proud of myself that I had finally
found my rhythm.
Around 6AM,
we had been doing these knee presses for nearly 3 hours. I could tell that Arthur was physically
exhausted, and I needed to get up and go to the bathroom. When I returned to the bed, I tried to get
back into my position. I wasn't able to,
and the knee presses started to be more painful than helpful. I was so frustrated that I had gotten up.
My Midwife
that was on duty at the hospital came in to check me at this point. I was interested to hear how I had progressed
in the hours that I had been laboring. I
had my headphones on, and I was breathing through a contraction as she told
Arthur were I was. I looked at his face
and he looked visually upset. He shook
his head and looked at me. I pulled my
headphone back and asked him if I wanted to know. He just looked down and said that I had only
progressed to a 3, after nearly 12 hours of hard labor.
The
beginning of the end:
I had a
moment of sadness, but mostly I felt like I was never going to be able to
continue, knowing that we had been working so hard and that I had not progressed
like I needed to. I took another
bathroom break to handle the emotions that I was dealing with.
As I came
back into the room, a surge hit me really hard.
I couldn't manage through it with my breathing, and without the knee
press, it was crippling my body. I cried
out in pain through the second half of it.
I screamed out my "code word" to Arthur and said that I
couldn't do it anymore. I told him I was
ready for the epidural because I was so tired, and wasn't progressing.
I then had
the most emotional cry of my life, mostly out of exhaustion, and some out of
real sadness that I had "failed" my goal of having a natural
childbirth with no pain medication. I
apologized to Arthur as I sobbed through my next few surges. He said it was ok, and that I had done a
great job. As I rocked my body against
the next contraction, I had a peace come over me that helped me feel like the
end was close. That I was going to be
able to rest soon, and that alone helped me feel a bit more relaxed. Before the decision to get the epidural, I
wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it.
Arthur
notified my nurse and midwife that I was ready for the epidural. They told me that it was going to be another
30 minutes, as the anesthesiologist was in a C-section with another
patient. I tried very hard to manage
through the 30 minutes, but it was so difficult. Knowing that help was coming made the waiting
even more difficult. At one point,
around 7:15AM, I heard them in the hallway talking about which room was going
to get the epidural next. I screamed out
"Room 7 is next!" I was in
room 7. I think it worked, because the
girl came in and she started getting me ready for the epidural.
I remember
them telling me that I had to sit cross-legged on the bed and lean
forward. I had several contractions
during this process, and it was difficult for me to hear what she was saying to
me about the epidural. I was in and out
of consciousness at this point. I
remember feeling the pressure of the line going in, and the small poke. Arthur had to leave the room because he
couldn't handle the sight of the needle.
Once it was done, I started to feel my contractions a little
differently. It was almost as if the
tide was going out, and I could feel them get less and less intense. My left side went numb faster than my right
side, so they had me lay more on my right side so it would filter over better.
Once I was
more comfortable, Arthur lay down and took a nap. I could tell he was grateful for the break,
since he had been working hard with me through the night. Those knee presses couldn't have been easy
for him. I could tell he was so
tired.
The epidural
didn't feel like a huge rush of relief that everyone says they have when they
get one. For me, it was like a physical
break. It reminded me of when I was in
Junior High and I had to run the mile.
When I had been able to sit down and rest, I felt better. The epidural felt like that - rest.
I tried to
nap, but at one point, the nurse came in and told me that Finn's heart rate was
dropping because of the side I was on.
She said that sometimes lying on your side can press on the umbilical
cord, so she had me lay on my left side.
Once she
left, I kept an eye on the monitor like my life (or Finn's life) depended on
it. When his heart rate dropped to 90
again, I looked toward the door, and the nurse returned on cue. She told me to switch back to the other
side. I did this, and still kept my eye
on the monitor. This prevented me from
sleeping because I was so worried about him having trouble.
He
stabilized this time, and his heart rate stayed within the acceptable
range. I relaxed a bit and dozed off
here and there, but because the nurse kept coming in to check my vitals, I
wasn't able to sleep soundly like I wanted to.
Around 10
AM, my new midwife Katherine came into the room. She was 38 weeks pregnant too. She was really nice, and a lot more attentive
than my previous midwife, Leann.
Katherine even rubbed my neck, which was hurting from the way I had been
sitting through the night. I appreciated
that a lot.
Progression:
She checked
my cervix, and I was happy to hear that I had progressed to a 5. She then said she'd check me again in an hour
to see how I'd progressed. I tried to
relax and take little naps here and there.
She came back
in an hour later and checked me again. I
was so surprised to hear that I had progressed 4.5 CM in an hour! I was now at a 9.5. I couldn't believe it. By this time, Arthur was awake and we both
started to get excited. I felt a bit
anxious knowing that it wasn't even noon and that I would be able to push
soon. I had assumed my labor would
progress late into the night since I was moving so slowly.
I remember
thinking back to some of the episodes of Baby Story that I had watched on
TLC. I thought about the women who would
be checked at 10 CM, and were told to just try pushing. I knew that if I waited a good long time, I
would be closer to having him come out faster and that I wouldn't have to push
forever. Most people I know who have had
an epidural push for at least an hour, if not more because they can't feel
their pushes.
The midwife
told me to let her know if I felt any pressure or fullness down below signaling
that it might be time to push. I
couldn't feel much of anything, so I knew that the only thing I had control
over was how long I waited. I waited an
hour and a half to call her in. She
respected how long I waited, and didn't pester me or continue to check on
me. I appreciated that.
When I
called them in, it was just past 12:30 PM.
She checked me and didn't say that I was at a 10 or anything. Instead,
she said "Wow, his head is right there." This told me that my waiting had paid
off.
The
delivery:
She called a
bunch of people into the room to prepare for the delivery. She also got me a mirror so I could see Baby
Finn as he came out. I got excited as
Arthur joined me by my side and we got my legs ready in the epidural pushing
position. If I hadn't had the epidural,
I'm sure I would have been on my hands and knees on the floor. But, since I couldn't feel anything, I had to
lie on my back. It was ok, though...
because I felt strangely in control of what was happening.
When the
midwife told me to push the first time, I told myself that I was going to be
the world's most effective pusher, and that people at the hospital would tell
all of their friends how amazing I did pushing with an epidural. During the
first contraction, I pushed hard and breathed as soon as possible after it so
my muscles could get oxygen. I could see
the top of his head peeking through. The
second one, I did the same, and kept my eyes right on where his head was coming
out. I could see it even more. It really motivated me to push harder the
next time. My last two contractions I
pushed and focused, and I saw his head crown.
My midwife
told me to reach down and touch my baby's head on the last push. I pushed and brought my hand down, and that
movement alone delivered Baby Finn at 12:55 PM. He
was suddenly in my arms. The midwife
brought him up to my chest and I cried out in happiness. He was a dark reddish-purple, and his skin
was so, so soft. I expected him to be
covered in vernix, but he had absorbed almost all of it.
I cried and
cried and held him and told him how perfect he was. I rubbed his back and held him to my chest,
skin-to-skin. It was one of the most
incredible moments of my life, if not the most incredible moment. In a heartbeat, he was here, outside of me,
and I was overcome with the most intense happy emotions ever.
Arthur let
the cord pulse and when it was flat, he was able to cut it. I could tell he was happy to have this
experience.
As he was
lying on my chest, he was grunting a bit and not crying really loudly. The nurse asked me if she could take him to
try and clear out his mouth a bit to try and get him to cry better. She told me the grunting was him trying to
use his lungs. I told her she could,
and she also weighed him. He was 6 lbs
12 ounces, and 18 inches long.
They ended
up taking him down to the nursery because he wasn't breathing the way they
would have liked him to, and they wanted to suction out his lungs so he would
stop grunting and breathe properly. I
let them do that, and Arthur went with Baby Finn. I worried the whole time, but eventually they
came back so I could try to let him latch and nurse for the first time. I was so grateful that he was breathing
correctly and that he was ok. He latched
and nursed for the first time, it was so special to feel like I was able to
provide him with his first nutrition.
The time
after this point was a blur, and I don't remember much up until the point that
I was back down in my room where I would stay the rest of the time in the hospital.
Overall, my
thoughts on my birth experience are that I am proud that I was able to get
through 12 hours of Pitocin-induced contractions without an epidural. I take a lot of pride in this, and I feel
like I was able to successfully use my hypnobirthing techniques like I had
practiced. I did feel let down initially
that I got an epidural, but thinking back now, I feel like the epidural helped
me relax and progress like I needed to in order to get him here quickly and
safely. Without that, I'm not sure I
would have made it without having a C-section.
I know now why they call an epidural a tool, and that it should be used
when it is needed, and for the right reasons.
I felt like my body was ready for it, and I appreciate that it was able
to get me through to safely delivering my beautiful baby boy.
Looking back
at my birth preferences, I now smile when I think of how specific I was going
into preparing for my birth. One of my
affirmation cards says "I am prepared to meet whatever path my birthing
takes" and "I trust my body and I follow its lead."
Having an
open mind about my birth preferences now and thinking about these affirmations
in connection with them allows me to see that everything happens for a reason
and that even though I didn't get exactly what I wanted in the journey, I was
able to receive the reward at the end.
1.
I wanted to labor at home for as long as
possible, and not be induced by Pitocin or Cytotec. I also did not want Cervidil to soften my
cervix. I wasn't able to do this because
my fluids were low, and so for the safety of Baby Finn, I had to let this one
go.
2.
I did not want an IV or a hep lock. A hep lock is a port that they put in your
hand to initiate an IV quickly if needed, and it is not connected to an IV
line. Because Pitocin was administered
through an IV, this was out the window as well.
3.
I wanted intermittent monitoring of the fetal
heartbeat and my contractions. I didn't
want to have them strapped to me during my stay at the hospital. Because of how intense the contractions can
be, they use the monitoring to make sure the baby's heartbeat is ok through the
contractions.
4.
I did not want my water broken by anyone. I wanted it to release naturally through the
laboring process. My water did break on
its own, and I was relieved to see how little fluid there was when it did
break. It confirmed that my decision to
go ahead and be induced was the right thing for Baby Finn.
5.
When baby Finn was born, I wanted to make sure
that the cord was able to pulse and go flat and empty before it was clamped and
cut. My request was to wait at least a
minute for this to happen. I was able to
have this request honored, and I was able to see the flat cord when Baby Finn
was out. This was my most important
preference, and I got it! :)
I hope this
story was enjoyable as it was long. I
appreciated writing it and remembering the details so I can read over it in the
future. I welcome your thoughts, comments and questions!
