I thought I was ready to post about my PCOS right now. But as I tried to type on my other blog, I just couldn't do it. I feel shameful and less myself than I did before. I am the woman that creates babies easier than learning to count to ten.
I got more depressed today when I spoke to my dad. Neither one of my parents had what I would consider a "good reaction" when I told them about my PCOS.
Yesterday, when I told my mom, she immediately got worried about my health and being overweight. Talk about a self esteem killer. My feelings were actually hurt that she thinks I'd consider just eating what I want since I cant lose weight right now anyway. Contrary to what some may believe, I don't actually like being overweight. And having this diagnosis doesn't make losing weight easier---something I have had a very hard time coming to grips with.
Then today, as I was talking to my dad about it, he brought up the weight issues again and said I should stop trying to have a baby until I lose some weight. Goodbye, self esteem. Dont know if we will ever meet again. He thinks it would be a better idea to..."insert opinion here"...and though I love my dad and trust him on almost anything, I trust my obgyn more with this subject. I believe my obgyn is doing what he knows is best at this time.
One thing I am going to try is something my sister's friend, Angie, told me. She also has PCOS and knows much more about it than I do. She explained that because our blood sugar is now messed up (kind of like a diabetic), to regulate my system I should find out if it has become hard for my body to break down certain foods. She went on a sugar/lactose/wheat free detox and then slowly built each of those food groups back into her diet, to see whether she had an intolerance to any of them. I know it sounds silly but cutting those things out of my diet is going to be super hard. Like super SUPER hard. But Ill give it a try if it's going to help my body become and maybe even help us get pregnant.
Really, I just want to be pregnant...like yesterday. I know I'm being selfish and I have some more time before there is a huge gap between my kids but I'm scared for how many more times it'll be possible for me to get pregnant and part of me just wants to be pregnant right now to reassure me that it can still happen after being diagnosed with PCOS.
This just plain sucks. I cant think of another word that describes it so well. There's nothing I can do about it and that just sucks.
August 24, 2011
Dealing with these Emotions
I've told some people about our recent infertility battle. Reactions change among people but one thing is for certain; there has not been a single person that I feel has actually "said the right thing" when I've told them.
One person was confused and said, "Is that even possible after you've already had two children?" Why yes, yes it is. I would know because ITS HAPPENING TO ME!
Most other people have just not reacted at all. A quick, "Im sorry." and then the subject is changed.
For a while, I was feeling like maybe I was making a bigger deal out of this when it wasn't such a big deal. Was I being dramatic or insensitive to those who have a hard time conceiving even their first child? Was this not supposed to bother me because of th two huge beautiful babies I had already been given? I said this to a friend who told me to never apologize for the way I'm feeling. Just because someone else is going through this and they don't have any children yet does not mean that I have no right to grieve.
And then I think about the fact that I could be pregnant this very month, if my fertility drugs and my body work together to make it happen. Should I not have these feelings because it hasn't been along enough? Is there a certain time frame where you can now start complaining about not getting pregnant? I've never had to deal with this and I dont want to hurt the feelings of another person who is having a hard time conceiving.
And not only am I overwhelmed with the fact that it'll take fertility drugs for me to get pregnant now, I am also overwhelmed with such a huge diagnosis and what that means for the rest of my life. My sister gave me the email address for her friend who has had PCOS for a long time. After emailing her a lot of questions, she wrote back and was giving me tips on how to control my hormones and stay healthy. I came to a very scary resolution that this is not something that will just go away. This is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. And I hate that fact.
One person was confused and said, "Is that even possible after you've already had two children?" Why yes, yes it is. I would know because ITS HAPPENING TO ME!
Most other people have just not reacted at all. A quick, "Im sorry." and then the subject is changed.
For a while, I was feeling like maybe I was making a bigger deal out of this when it wasn't such a big deal. Was I being dramatic or insensitive to those who have a hard time conceiving even their first child? Was this not supposed to bother me because of th two huge beautiful babies I had already been given? I said this to a friend who told me to never apologize for the way I'm feeling. Just because someone else is going through this and they don't have any children yet does not mean that I have no right to grieve.
And then I think about the fact that I could be pregnant this very month, if my fertility drugs and my body work together to make it happen. Should I not have these feelings because it hasn't been along enough? Is there a certain time frame where you can now start complaining about not getting pregnant? I've never had to deal with this and I dont want to hurt the feelings of another person who is having a hard time conceiving.
And not only am I overwhelmed with the fact that it'll take fertility drugs for me to get pregnant now, I am also overwhelmed with such a huge diagnosis and what that means for the rest of my life. My sister gave me the email address for her friend who has had PCOS for a long time. After emailing her a lot of questions, she wrote back and was giving me tips on how to control my hormones and stay healthy. I came to a very scary resolution that this is not something that will just go away. This is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. And I hate that fact.
August 23, 2011
PCOS
Today was a sad day. After 2 months of not having a period and dr's trying to figure out why that is, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
Last week when the doctor called to tell me they were suspecting this, I cried. I cried throughout this whole week. So when they actually confirmed that it is PCOS, I was surprised when no tears came.
The nurse, Linda, explained some things about what we would be dealing with, the biggest being that I would have to take fertility drugs if I wanted to get pregnant. Unfortunatly, that was one of the biggest reasons we had come to the doctor's office. We have been trying to get pregnant for 5 months now and when my period stopped coming, I was extremely excited that we would be welcoming another little one into this world. I took 3 pregnancy tests before contacting the doctor and starting this whole process. In my heart, I hoped that the answer was pregnancy and not a problem with my body.
But I was wrong.
It hit me hard the day my labs came back and Linda talked about PCOS. I was trying to listen and focus and all of a sudden, I heard her say, "fertility drugs". My heart stopped. This couldn't really be happening to me. Me, who gets pregnant the very first month every time we try to have a baby {until now}. This didn't make any sense to me. My body does pregnancy really well. My last pregnancy was as perfect and routine as they come. How could this have happened?
Linda didn't have an answer to that last question. She said it happens to women and they don't know what causes it. It doesn't matter if you've had 8 kids, it can happen at any time. But once you are diagnosed, it doesn't go away.
She talked about my higher risk for diabetes now, how it would be extremely hard to lose weight without going on a diabetic medication (because of the way my blood sugar is now out of whack), and how it would be harder to get pregnant with every year ticking by.
I was shocked. I am 23. I'm not even coming up on my 30's and you're saying it'll get a lot harder to get pregnant with each year that goes by?
The weightloss thing made sense. Three months ago, I started going to the gym. At first, I lost a couple of pounds but then all of a sudden, I had gained 10 pounds. I was so frustrated. Actually, I still am frustrated. It was hard enough to lose weight before.
A lot of angry thoughts have been in my head today. A lot of worries, still a lot of questions, and a lot of stress.
A huge part of me feels extremely blessed that this happened after I've had two beautiful children. I am so grateful that I have them. But a big part of me is confused because I feel like my body should just know how to get pregnant. There are pros and cons to already being a mother before finding out you cant get pregnant without modern medicine. I've been switching back and forth between gratitude and anger.
I know someday I'll look back on this day and Ill know the bigger picture. I'm grateful to be able to trust in Heavenly Father. I'm upset but I have faith that He knows what is best for our family.
Last week when the doctor called to tell me they were suspecting this, I cried. I cried throughout this whole week. So when they actually confirmed that it is PCOS, I was surprised when no tears came.
The nurse, Linda, explained some things about what we would be dealing with, the biggest being that I would have to take fertility drugs if I wanted to get pregnant. Unfortunatly, that was one of the biggest reasons we had come to the doctor's office. We have been trying to get pregnant for 5 months now and when my period stopped coming, I was extremely excited that we would be welcoming another little one into this world. I took 3 pregnancy tests before contacting the doctor and starting this whole process. In my heart, I hoped that the answer was pregnancy and not a problem with my body.
But I was wrong.
It hit me hard the day my labs came back and Linda talked about PCOS. I was trying to listen and focus and all of a sudden, I heard her say, "fertility drugs". My heart stopped. This couldn't really be happening to me. Me, who gets pregnant the very first month every time we try to have a baby {until now}. This didn't make any sense to me. My body does pregnancy really well. My last pregnancy was as perfect and routine as they come. How could this have happened?
Linda didn't have an answer to that last question. She said it happens to women and they don't know what causes it. It doesn't matter if you've had 8 kids, it can happen at any time. But once you are diagnosed, it doesn't go away.
She talked about my higher risk for diabetes now, how it would be extremely hard to lose weight without going on a diabetic medication (because of the way my blood sugar is now out of whack), and how it would be harder to get pregnant with every year ticking by.
I was shocked. I am 23. I'm not even coming up on my 30's and you're saying it'll get a lot harder to get pregnant with each year that goes by?
The weightloss thing made sense. Three months ago, I started going to the gym. At first, I lost a couple of pounds but then all of a sudden, I had gained 10 pounds. I was so frustrated. Actually, I still am frustrated. It was hard enough to lose weight before.
A lot of angry thoughts have been in my head today. A lot of worries, still a lot of questions, and a lot of stress.
A huge part of me feels extremely blessed that this happened after I've had two beautiful children. I am so grateful that I have them. But a big part of me is confused because I feel like my body should just know how to get pregnant. There are pros and cons to already being a mother before finding out you cant get pregnant without modern medicine. I've been switching back and forth between gratitude and anger.
I know someday I'll look back on this day and Ill know the bigger picture. I'm grateful to be able to trust in Heavenly Father. I'm upset but I have faith that He knows what is best for our family.
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