Click here to view this photo book larger
Shutterfly offers exclusive photobook layouts so you can make your book just the way you want.
January 29, 2014
October 29, 2012
OCD
Life is really funny. The minute you think one trial seems to be getting better, another one flings itself in your face and tells you it's time for a new challenge.
Seriously, though, it doesn't feel as if I'll ever catch a break. As negative as that sounds, this year seems to get harder and harder and yet, happier and happier with each passing day.
The struggles I have endured have a funny way of making me happier. I'm often confused as to how I can attain any happiness at all when there are times I feel my whole life is falling apart. But it's surely there. Sometimes I have to search for it a little bit more but I can always find it.
Ever since I was a little girl, I would heard my mother talk about how her side of the family has a history of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). We would all laugh and tell about our funny little quirks that probably put us on the OCD spectrum and go about our days. I would tell people I have OCD but never looked at myself in comparison to those people who really have OCD. I thought my quirks were rather funny and not at all detrimental to my well being or the well being of those around me.
I've come to find out recently that my OCD, which is a series of number quirks and making sure things are always even in my life, has not only been affecting me but also those around me. Who knew that OCD could be traced back to the reason I often feel things in my life aren't fair? I sure didn't. Technically, I have weird even number quirks but never thought that would correlate with fairness or even with the anger and anxiety I sometimes feel.
I'm fairly new to the whole 'dealing with my OCD' thing. I have often joked that I wish my OCD forced me to keep my house clean or something that would benefit my family rather than just annoy them but I now realize how unfunny that is. When I was challenged to stop one of my number quirks, I figured it would be super easy. I mean, really, I'm not crazy, right? I knew it would be easy to stop. But as you might have guessed, realizing how hard it is to stop has made me realize just how obsessive I am. And that just sucks. But as much as it sucks to be told you have a problem you need to deal with, I am willing to keep working on it.
So if you see me somewhere and I look like I'm having an anxiety attack, I probably am. This has been a lot harder than I expected it to be but I've been told that the earlier I deal with it, the less I'll have to deal with it. Because there is a chance that someday, I'd become one of those people on that tv show 'Obsessed'. And since I don't want to be that person, I guess I'll deal with the hard now and hopefully, through a lot of prayer and patience, it'll get better with time.
PCOS. OCD. Any other acronym syndromes I can get diagnosed with before the year is over?
Just thought I'd ask... :)
Seriously, though, it doesn't feel as if I'll ever catch a break. As negative as that sounds, this year seems to get harder and harder and yet, happier and happier with each passing day.
The struggles I have endured have a funny way of making me happier. I'm often confused as to how I can attain any happiness at all when there are times I feel my whole life is falling apart. But it's surely there. Sometimes I have to search for it a little bit more but I can always find it.
Ever since I was a little girl, I would heard my mother talk about how her side of the family has a history of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). We would all laugh and tell about our funny little quirks that probably put us on the OCD spectrum and go about our days. I would tell people I have OCD but never looked at myself in comparison to those people who really have OCD. I thought my quirks were rather funny and not at all detrimental to my well being or the well being of those around me.
I've come to find out recently that my OCD, which is a series of number quirks and making sure things are always even in my life, has not only been affecting me but also those around me. Who knew that OCD could be traced back to the reason I often feel things in my life aren't fair? I sure didn't. Technically, I have weird even number quirks but never thought that would correlate with fairness or even with the anger and anxiety I sometimes feel.
I'm fairly new to the whole 'dealing with my OCD' thing. I have often joked that I wish my OCD forced me to keep my house clean or something that would benefit my family rather than just annoy them but I now realize how unfunny that is. When I was challenged to stop one of my number quirks, I figured it would be super easy. I mean, really, I'm not crazy, right? I knew it would be easy to stop. But as you might have guessed, realizing how hard it is to stop has made me realize just how obsessive I am. And that just sucks. But as much as it sucks to be told you have a problem you need to deal with, I am willing to keep working on it.
So if you see me somewhere and I look like I'm having an anxiety attack, I probably am. This has been a lot harder than I expected it to be but I've been told that the earlier I deal with it, the less I'll have to deal with it. Because there is a chance that someday, I'd become one of those people on that tv show 'Obsessed'. And since I don't want to be that person, I guess I'll deal with the hard now and hopefully, through a lot of prayer and patience, it'll get better with time.
PCOS. OCD. Any other acronym syndromes I can get diagnosed with before the year is over?
Just thought I'd ask... :)
May 1, 2012
Someday, I'll recognize why I'm going through all of these trials at once but right now, it is hard to see the bigger picture.
Davey decided he wants to become an electrician. At first, I was devastated. Then, I got over it and decided this was a good thing and that I knew it'd be something he'd love. Then today he told me the schooling is 4 yrs instead of 2. Bring. On. The. Tears. I've been in stress-out mode tonight and am feeling very angry at him.
When I started crying, I left the room so he wouldnt wake up but of course, he did anyway and came out to ask me what's wrong. I knew when I told him he would get defensive which is exactly what happened and then we had a big fight.
I just dont get it. Sometimes I don't like him anymore. I look at him and cant see the things I used to love about him. All I can see is the anger and hurt he's brought me and the failed jobs/career choices. When I think of him possibly never really being successful, I get so worried about our lives and what is going to happen. Are we going to be living at the poverty line forever? Will we be able to have enough money to sometimes give to others someday? That was the original plan and right now, I just feel like the tunnel is really dark and that the light at the end doesn't exist.
Every couple of years, that light tricks me into thinking it's getting bigger before it completely turns black and I have to get used to our new decisions. Why cant he just stick with something and figure it out?
As much as I hate divorce and the stupid 50% divorce rate, sometimes I just feel like giving up. Even though I shouldn't compare, it's hard not to see other men having their lives figured out and providing for themselves or their families. It took me 2.5 years after becoming a mother to even get to stay home with my kids and no that I do, it's hard to feel like maybe I'm the one who should still be providing because he cant figure it out.
I know I love him. It's just that sometimes I don't like him. I don't like the way he treats me and only sees the bad in what I'm saying. I hate when he tells me I'm a rude person and that I never say anything nice. Is that true? I feel like I try so hard to be a good person and I see the way he lives (not always strong in the gospel) and it hurts so deeply to hear him judging my character. Shouldn't he know me well enough to know I am a good person? Or does he only take the bad and see it the way he wants to see it?
I just feel so depressed right now. I hate feeling like a bad person but tonight, that's what he's made me feel like. Why can't he have more sensitivity to my feelings?
Someday, when I'm sad about not getting pregnant, I can come look at this post and say, "Oh that's right. We don't have another baby because we are already screwed up and cant handle more right now!" Oh how I wish we didnt have these tense situations with each other. I wanted to try and get along better and be nicer but he doesn't really seem to care about anything but work, his brothers, and Ryan. Where do I fit into all of that?
Davey decided he wants to become an electrician. At first, I was devastated. Then, I got over it and decided this was a good thing and that I knew it'd be something he'd love. Then today he told me the schooling is 4 yrs instead of 2. Bring. On. The. Tears. I've been in stress-out mode tonight and am feeling very angry at him.
When I started crying, I left the room so he wouldnt wake up but of course, he did anyway and came out to ask me what's wrong. I knew when I told him he would get defensive which is exactly what happened and then we had a big fight.
I just dont get it. Sometimes I don't like him anymore. I look at him and cant see the things I used to love about him. All I can see is the anger and hurt he's brought me and the failed jobs/career choices. When I think of him possibly never really being successful, I get so worried about our lives and what is going to happen. Are we going to be living at the poverty line forever? Will we be able to have enough money to sometimes give to others someday? That was the original plan and right now, I just feel like the tunnel is really dark and that the light at the end doesn't exist.
Every couple of years, that light tricks me into thinking it's getting bigger before it completely turns black and I have to get used to our new decisions. Why cant he just stick with something and figure it out?
As much as I hate divorce and the stupid 50% divorce rate, sometimes I just feel like giving up. Even though I shouldn't compare, it's hard not to see other men having their lives figured out and providing for themselves or their families. It took me 2.5 years after becoming a mother to even get to stay home with my kids and no that I do, it's hard to feel like maybe I'm the one who should still be providing because he cant figure it out.
I know I love him. It's just that sometimes I don't like him. I don't like the way he treats me and only sees the bad in what I'm saying. I hate when he tells me I'm a rude person and that I never say anything nice. Is that true? I feel like I try so hard to be a good person and I see the way he lives (not always strong in the gospel) and it hurts so deeply to hear him judging my character. Shouldn't he know me well enough to know I am a good person? Or does he only take the bad and see it the way he wants to see it?
I just feel so depressed right now. I hate feeling like a bad person but tonight, that's what he's made me feel like. Why can't he have more sensitivity to my feelings?
Someday, when I'm sad about not getting pregnant, I can come look at this post and say, "Oh that's right. We don't have another baby because we are already screwed up and cant handle more right now!" Oh how I wish we didnt have these tense situations with each other. I wanted to try and get along better and be nicer but he doesn't really seem to care about anything but work, his brothers, and Ryan. Where do I fit into all of that?
February 11, 2012
Sometimes I feel like my trials are neverending. I always envisioned this life to have trials that come and go, to have ups and downs. But lately, there have been mostly downs with only tiny ups here and there.
A couple of weeks ago, Karin called to let us know she was expecting her first child. My heart sank a little since I expected to be pregnant by this time but it wasn't long before I was completely excited for her, especially knowing this is her first time really experiencing motherhood.
Then two days ago, Jamie called to tell me that she is also expecting. This hit me deeper than before and I have been having a hard time finding my happiness and peace these last few days. It has now been 10 months since we started trying to conceive our third child and I wish this nightmare would end. I'm trying to live more righteously and make changes in my life so that Heavenly Father knows I am learning through my trial but so far, it hasn't been enough. Still no baby.
On top of this, things seem to be getting much better AND worse in my marriage. We are either happier than ever or thinking about getting a divorce. Today is divorce day. My husband has lost a lot of money in our marriage and I've had a hard time trusting that it's actually lost and that he isn't spending it elsewhere. I saw $200 come out of the bank account last week and when I asked him about it, he claimed it was for a Valentine's Day surprise for me. I asked if I could see the money to know that he still has it and he got upset. I know I have trust issues but something about it just doesn't feel right and I have a hunch that he's lying. Sometimes this makes me feel crazy. Am I a horrible wife for not trusting or should I trust my instincts? I never know what is right! So we've been fighting all afternoon and he says the money is in a trunk that only he knows the lock combination for. This actually makes me even more mad that he won't let me have the combination and that he hides stuff in there from me.
How do I remain trusting of him? I just feel so lost and horrible right now and am hoping it can get better soon.
A couple of weeks ago, Karin called to let us know she was expecting her first child. My heart sank a little since I expected to be pregnant by this time but it wasn't long before I was completely excited for her, especially knowing this is her first time really experiencing motherhood.
Then two days ago, Jamie called to tell me that she is also expecting. This hit me deeper than before and I have been having a hard time finding my happiness and peace these last few days. It has now been 10 months since we started trying to conceive our third child and I wish this nightmare would end. I'm trying to live more righteously and make changes in my life so that Heavenly Father knows I am learning through my trial but so far, it hasn't been enough. Still no baby.
On top of this, things seem to be getting much better AND worse in my marriage. We are either happier than ever or thinking about getting a divorce. Today is divorce day. My husband has lost a lot of money in our marriage and I've had a hard time trusting that it's actually lost and that he isn't spending it elsewhere. I saw $200 come out of the bank account last week and when I asked him about it, he claimed it was for a Valentine's Day surprise for me. I asked if I could see the money to know that he still has it and he got upset. I know I have trust issues but something about it just doesn't feel right and I have a hunch that he's lying. Sometimes this makes me feel crazy. Am I a horrible wife for not trusting or should I trust my instincts? I never know what is right! So we've been fighting all afternoon and he says the money is in a trunk that only he knows the lock combination for. This actually makes me even more mad that he won't let me have the combination and that he hides stuff in there from me.
How do I remain trusting of him? I just feel so lost and horrible right now and am hoping it can get better soon.
January 7, 2012
Guest Post for Emily
Hi there! I'm Suzanne over at Suze's Corner, happy to be guest blogging for my fellow blogger, Emily.
I have been married for almost 5 years to my wonderful husband, Boss. He is currently in school at Arizona State Univ full time.
A year after we got married, we were blessed to welcome our first little baby into this world. She was born May 2008 and goes by the name Petey on my blog. 
16 months after her birth, we welcome our second baby into this world. He was born October 2009 and goes by the name Spidey on my blog. 
This is what our cute family looks like now. Two parents, a 3 year old, and a 2 year old.
Last April, we decided we wanted to try for our next baby. We secretly tried for 4 months before changes were happening in my body that I just knew in my mind meant pregnancy. But I was wrong. I took 4 pregnancy tests, all negative, so we made an appointment with my doctor.
The next thing I knew, I was being scheduled for blood work and ultrasounds to help diagnose the problem. I was given the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in August of 2011 and we started fertility treatments shortly after that.
Many times in those next few months, I blogged about my heartache. You can go back and read it if you'd like but today, I'd like to focus on what this did to my relationship with my husband.
I believe trials in our lives can either bring us closer or move us further apart, depending on how we decide to look at it. I've searched for peace ever since my diagnosis and my husband and I have had many deep conversations about this change in our lives.
You see, my PCOS doesn't just affect me. I now deal with hormonal imbalance every day of my life (mostly due to my fertility drugs but also somewhat from my PCOS) and can go from happy to sad in a split second. My poor husband, right?
But he has grown up just as much as I have and has continued to support me throughout all of this.
Yes, we fight. But we fought before. :) If anything, we fight less now because we both feel supported by the other person. We listen more, remember more, and care more. This is something we should've been doing from the beginning of our relationship but it's never too late to fix something that is important to you.
My husband is my best friend and I feel lucky that I am going through this trial with him and not just on my own.
I have been married for almost 5 years to my wonderful husband, Boss. He is currently in school at Arizona State Univ full time.
A year after we got married, we were blessed to welcome our first little baby into this world. She was born May 2008 and goes by the name Petey on my blog. 
16 months after her birth, we welcome our second baby into this world. He was born October 2009 and goes by the name Spidey on my blog. 
This is what our cute family looks like now. Two parents, a 3 year old, and a 2 year old.Last April, we decided we wanted to try for our next baby. We secretly tried for 4 months before changes were happening in my body that I just knew in my mind meant pregnancy. But I was wrong. I took 4 pregnancy tests, all negative, so we made an appointment with my doctor.
The next thing I knew, I was being scheduled for blood work and ultrasounds to help diagnose the problem. I was given the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in August of 2011 and we started fertility treatments shortly after that.
Many times in those next few months, I blogged about my heartache. You can go back and read it if you'd like but today, I'd like to focus on what this did to my relationship with my husband.
I believe trials in our lives can either bring us closer or move us further apart, depending on how we decide to look at it. I've searched for peace ever since my diagnosis and my husband and I have had many deep conversations about this change in our lives.
You see, my PCOS doesn't just affect me. I now deal with hormonal imbalance every day of my life (mostly due to my fertility drugs but also somewhat from my PCOS) and can go from happy to sad in a split second. My poor husband, right?
But he has grown up just as much as I have and has continued to support me throughout all of this.
Yes, we fight. But we fought before. :) If anything, we fight less now because we both feel supported by the other person. We listen more, remember more, and care more. This is something we should've been doing from the beginning of our relationship but it's never too late to fix something that is important to you.
My husband is my best friend and I feel lucky that I am going through this trial with him and not just on my own.
December 26, 2011
Christmas Eve
On the morning of Christmas Eve, we loaded up the car and headed down to Tucson, where Boss' parents live. Wow, our car was packed. We had so much to take down there and even more to bring home!
One of my children was not a happy camper and had a hard morning drive down there. But she sure did look cute in her Sparky jammies. :)
As soon as we got there, the kids gave Paco (my in laws Chihuahua) lots of love...too much love by the end of the weekend. That poor tiny little puppy. 
For lunch, Petey tried sushi for the first time. As you can see, she didn't like it and Papa let her spit it into a napkin after a minute. 
Katie didn't like the sushi either and was pretty grossed out. Lucky for me, I wasn't pressured into trying any this time. :) I hate anything fish related.As tradition, that night we watched It's a Wonderful Life and read the story of Christ's birth in the scriptures.
That night, the kids opened their Christmas pj's from Santa, which are SO adorable. Remember how Santa got Buzz pj's for Spidey last year? He decided to go with Woody pj's this Christmas. :) And Petey, who has taken a liking to Jessie, got a pair of those. Lucky kids. 
Papa actually offered to let Petey sleep on the couch in their room that night and it worked out for a while, until we realized Petey was NOT going to sleep. :) So it didn't last and she ended up sleeping next to her brother on his mini couch.
That night, the kids opened their Christmas pj's from Santa, which are SO adorable. Remember how Santa got Buzz pj's for Spidey last year? He decided to go with Woody pj's this Christmas. :) And Petey, who has taken a liking to Jessie, got a pair of those. Lucky kids. Papa actually offered to let Petey sleep on the couch in their room that night and it worked out for a while, until we realized Petey was NOT going to sleep. :) So it didn't last and she ended up sleeping next to her brother on his mini couch. And that's how Suze celebrates.
September 21, 2011
Hurt Feelings
Oh hi, hurt feelings. I had forgotten about you today. It's been almost an entire day since Lacey has made me feel stupid or worthless. And all because of some Facebook and Twitter posts?
Sure, you'd probably feel the same way if you'd read a Facebook status that asked for help watching kids and when you commented and said you'd love to watch the kids, she signed off.
Such pettiness. Why do I even try to stay friends?
Everytime I offer to watch her kids, she ignores the request but then goes and complains that she has no free babysitters nearby. You can understand why I get frustrated by that.
I was kind of sad when I heard they were moving but lately, I think it's a happy thing. I need space from that "friendship" or whatever you would call it. She is a pessimistic complainer and I don't really like people like that.
Sure, you'd probably feel the same way if you'd read a Facebook status that asked for help watching kids and when you commented and said you'd love to watch the kids, she signed off.
Such pettiness. Why do I even try to stay friends?
Everytime I offer to watch her kids, she ignores the request but then goes and complains that she has no free babysitters nearby. You can understand why I get frustrated by that.
I was kind of sad when I heard they were moving but lately, I think it's a happy thing. I need space from that "friendship" or whatever you would call it. She is a pessimistic complainer and I don't really like people like that.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
