hi handsome,

how are you this morning? true, the room is still dark, but i can see the navy blue sky through the blinds that tell me it's no longer the black of the night. i can't see the clock because it's on your side of the bed, i can only guess it's about 5am-ish?

handsome, wake up! i want to crow. handsome, it's not polite to keep people waiting! if you wake up now, we'll have a few more extra hours together! wouldn't that be fun? a few hours between wake and asleep, where we can go running together and nobody will Whatsapp us or call us or send us emails or ask us to buy them milk.

i think you would think it would be fun too!

but i don't cross the finite, quantifiable space between us.

we lie in our own rooms. the clock ticks silently. and somewhere between sleep and awake, i lose sight of you, handsome.

butterflies. i've still got them butterflies.

today i decided i shall grow some balls.

tonight, some guy hit on me and i missed you. i gave him my number and he texted me, but i missed you.

i missed how you never made me feel uncomfortable. i missed how you and i debated about advertising. i missed how you would whatsapp me good morning. i missed every single thing about you.

did anything mean anything at ALL?

i missed you. i miss you. it's filmy here behind the alcohol, and it's heart-wrenching. i wish i could text you once again, tell you everything funny that happened tonight.

tonight, i didnt want anyone else.

because i missed you.

for today, i am going to hope.

everyone says i'm crazy, everyone says don't do it, everyone says no. and everyone is actually right. i see it and i am standing on it.

but just for today, i am hoping. i am not depending or counting on you per se, but i am rooting for you. i will be putting my cell phone out for the next two days and i want to receive that text from you.

i want you to not prove me right.

i don't want to be jaded anymore. i don't want to look at you as "Just Another Guy".

i want to believe that when you took my hand and tangled your fingers in mine, you meant it.

i'm holding my heart tight in the cavity of my chest and i want to crack my fingers open and give you a bit of a glimpse of it. i was looking through our old Facebook message exchanges and i remember the day we went on our first date and how happy i looked, how happy i was.

but the ball's in your court now, and it really is all up to you whether to want to be a man or Just Another Guy.

i'm giving you a couple of days. please don't let me down. please take this hope i'm holding out. i'm hoping so hard.

"There is so much hurt in this game of searching for a mate, of testing, trying. And you realize suddenly that you forgot it was a game, and turn away in tears."

- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.

i know you spent the day with her today. i read it in the space between your text messages, i heard it in the way you sheepishly spoke to me, i saw it in your head when you turned it down and looked at the floor, i felt it in the stilted hug in the dark.

i don't know if it's her place you're staying over at tonight - it most probably is, but i don't really want to think about it.

and it sucks. it sucks even more that i knowingly, wittingly chose this path. i chose to partake in a battle i had no idea about, and i can't say anything was pushed onto me.

so now after tomorrow night, i have another two choices. i think i already know which i will choose.

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