05/04/12.

I knew this would not be an easy post to write. I have written it about a million times in my head. I have replayed this day over and over until I make myself sick thinking about it. I could share all the little details that I remember, and trust me when I say I remember this day very clearly. I remember the little tiny spider on the back of the computer in the hospital when I was checking in. I remember what the lady was wearing who checked me in. I remember every single possible detail imaginable. Emotions ran through me like wildfire - anger, sadness, bitterness, sorrow, confusion, fear, more anger and eventually rage. I wanted to curl up in a ball and make it all go away. I wanted to wake up and it be a dream. I wanted to get up and punch the wall. I wanted to rip all the monitors and needles off me and just walk out. I just wanted it to be over. Honestly I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't know how. The last thing I wanted to do was turn to the Lord. I hated Him. I genuinely did not want anything to do with Him. I was angry. Very angry. And I'm going to be honest, sometimes I still am. But the Lord is Sovereign and with time gave me peace. He gave me the answers to my "why" and the love to get me through such a dark time. That is what I want people to get out of this post more than anything. Nothing is greater than our Father - no problem is too big, no pain is too hard to bare, no request is too small and NO prayer goes unheard.

Wednesday May 2nd. It really was like any other day. Nothing unusual about it. It was a busy morning running around after Kai and the 2 kids I had been watching. I had just laid everyone down for their nap and sat down to relax. I was 36 weeks and I was starting to feel it. I checked my email, Facebook and checked some baby websites and planned on doing a little reading while I waited for the laundry to dry. I didn't typically read all that baby board drama on baby websites, but for whatever reason I decided to that day. There was an article on there about feeling your baby move and when to go to the hospital. My heart stopped. I had not felt Xavier move all morning. His normal active time was around 10 or 11 when I actually sat down to rest for a few minutes. Today was different. I tried not to think too much about it and got along with my day. Turns out the rest of that day got busy. I made some players dinner because it was finals week and the kids were rowdier (is that a word?) than normal. Life just got busy and honestly I thought nothing else of it until that night. Nighttime, another time when Xavier got active. I expressed my concerns to Brian and we both agreed to wait until the morning before I called the doctor and went into the hospital. I knew something was wrong, but it was one of those times in your life that you don't want to believe it. This type of thing doesn't happen to YOU, it happens to other people. People you see on TV or read about in on pregnancy websites that make you paranoid. To anyone BUT you. That morning I woke up praying to feel him move. I ate Lucky Charms, drank juice and did just about everything to get a little wiggle. I think a couple times I even convinced myself that he did just to give myself a few moments of sanity. At around 10a I called Brian and asked him to come home. Yep, come home and watch the kids. I mean, he didn't need to come to the hospital because they were going to find out that Xavier was fine and send me on my way as one of those "psycho patients" that goes into the hospital due to paranoid symptoms. You know, the ones doctors and nurses talk about after you leave. Turns out I was wrong.

11:02a the nurse tries to call Brian. I can't. I can barely speak. I'm shaking. My doctor is tears and wiping the gel from my belly. She is literally bawling. I'm crying so hard there are no tears. Just wailing. The nurse comes in to inform me that Brian isn't answering. I call and tell him the news. All I remember him saying was, "HE'S DEAD?!" Yes, not the most kosher thing to say, but seriously, you don't think when you go through something like this so I can't hold it against him. All I know is I wanted him with me THAT MOMENT. He is watching the kids and has to wait until Jen comes to stay with Kai - of course they were napping and it definitely wasn't the time for Kai to see me. I can't breath. I throw up. I beg Dr. Johnson to take Xavier out. BEG her to just do a c-section and take him out. I can't see, I can't hear what she is saying, I am a complete mess. I throw up again. I call my mother in-law and my parents. WAKE UP! WAKE UP! I keep telling myself over and over and over. Brian finally gets there. I can hardly look at him. To see someone you love so much hurting beyond control is a hard thing to watch. I feel like I did something wrong. Something to cause this pain. I'm so confused and so angry. Questions flood my head. Questions that I know I will not get answers to for some time. Dr. Johnson explains the reasons to why she cannot do a c-section, and that I will have to be induced. I'm even more upset. I just want this to be over. They move me to another room and people start showing up. Tears are still flowing and friends just continue to love on me. Their presence just makes me feel more secure. There are even a few laughs here and there. I start to calm down and honestly, try to pretend none of it's real. I think part of me literally convinced myself that I was going to deliver and with some sort of miracle Xavier was going to be okay. It was all some big mistake. Again, turns out that I was wrong.

Through lots of tears and probably even more drugs, I delivered my sweet angel Xavier around 5:40a May 4th, 2012. He was beautiful. Looked exactly like Brian in almost every way and had light blond curly hair. Malachi's same hands and feet and in some ways reminded me of a squirrel. No joke, he did. He was perfect. A perfect little squirrel. He was a measly 4lbs 10oz and 18.5" long. We cried lots of tears. We held him close, held each other even tighter and refused to let this precious angel be something that tore us apart. No matter the devastation, he was still a blessing. We prayed together before we eventually let the drugs take over me. My body could literally no longer handle any more pain and so I was drugged up and ridiculously itchy. I remember not being able to stop shaking or itching - great combo. After this point things are a pretty big blur until the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer came in later that day. The hardest part of this whole thing was that very last moment I held little Xavier. That moment that I gave him back to the nurse and truly accepted all that had happened. I remember her asking "are you sure you are done?" All I wanted to do was scream - not at her, but at God. No, I was not done. No, I should not be handing over his little lifeless body. The last time I ever held him. It haunts me still. Never getting to hear his cry or laugh, see his smile. The memories are still so hard to think about, still so fresh.

There are a lot of details that I have not included, but at some point during that delivery I felt such peace. I knew so many people were praying for me already and there was a sense of relief, almost. Though still extremely angry I remember thanking the Lord for the time that we had with Xavier. And even as I was praying it I thought, "where did that come from, I'm still pissed!" In the days to come I cannot tell you the number of encouraging emails, facebook messages, cards, phone calls, texts and just all around love that we received. People brought us dinner, sent us gift cards, flowers, money, yummy treats and even came to visit (thanks Flickners and Alyson!!) You have NO idea how much all these things helped us get through such a dark time. All the prayer and encouragement, all the love. The Lord is good, always. Unfortunately, all the love in the world could not make me forget. There was still pain, sorrow and a lot of anger. Drugs probably could have helped me forget, but after a few nights with those, I tossed them and let the Lord work on me. Night times were (and still are) the hardest and I often cried myself to sleep. Going to the funeral home was the worst - it was so belittling. Almost like, "here what urn do you want for you dead baby" - that is certainly not what they said, but that is how I felt. How was I expected to reduce a little tiny life into picking out an urn? Never once in my whole life did I expect to plan my child's funeral. And in this time I am so thankful for the family around me that helped me makes those tough decisions. Pictures or no pictures? Autopsy or no autopsy? Service or no service? Honestly, if it had been left up to me I probably would have just walked away from the whole thing and hid in a dark basement until I was ready. Thankfully no one allowed me to do so.

In the beginning I thought about Xavier in everything I did. I hurt, I prayed, I cried and I loved him. Continue to do so still. But those seconds eventually turned to minutes and those minutes turned into hours and even though I still think of him multiple times a day, the memories don't haunt me like they used to, at least not in such a negative way. Though the pain has subsided, it still lingers. But what was once the cause of so much sorrow, we now get to celebrate as a little blessing. We praise our Father for Xavier, and though he was taken from us so early, we continue to love him dearly. Such a little soul has made such a big impact on our life. It certainly made Brian and I a lot closer and made me hold onto Malachi just a little bit tighter. I think the first couple nights we were home I ended up sleeping on Malachi's floor, checked to make sure he was breathing multiple times a night and was definitely a little over protective (okay, very over protective). One of the hardest parts has been explaining things to Malachi. For months and months he was told that Xavier was going to be here and he was going to get to be a big brother...and well, now he knows that Xavier is with Jesus and that one day we will get to see him again. And right now Kai is really excited to show Xavier his new Spiderman toy :) Such sweet innocence. Every night he prays that Jesus gives Xavier big hugs and kisses and every day he asks that Jesus and Xavier come over to play. It's still hard to explain without tearing up, especially since Malachi is already such sensitive little kid, but I think he is starting to understand a little. He often asks me, "Mommy are you sad? Do you miss Xavier?" These questions typically follow a small "Mommy moment" when he asks about Xavier. So hard, yet so thankful that I get to teach such life lessons to my little man.

After several weeks of waiting, and a spontaneous trip to Colorado, Malachi and I ran into Dr. Johnson. She had actually received our autopsy back on the placenta and wanted us to stop by the office {side note: the autopsy on Xavier's precious little body had come back when we were still in the hospital and everything had come back negative}. Of course I obliged. Brian and I met with her and some of our prayers were answered. We got some answers to our many, many, many questions. It turns out that the cause of Xavier's death (still hard to say) was due to blood clots, which was something she had mentioned after delivery as there were a few clots in the umbilical cord. Turns out this little fighter had been "spouting" off blood clots pretty much since the day of conception. Now, this is a little confusing. It was not my body that was creating the clots, it was his. The placenta was nearly completely covered in clots - the report literally says 99% covered and could not find a single piece of healthy tissue. Hearing this caused a lot of emotions to surface. In some ways there was a huge relief in knowing that Xavier would have struggled a lot during life, had he survived. With so little blood flow during gestation his poor little body would have more than likely had major health problem. Cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, growth development, etc. As hard as it is to say, and with lots of tears we (Dr. Johnson included when she was explaining all this) take this as a little blessing. His little life would have been such a struggle. And though we would have loved him unconditionally, it would have changed all our lives drastically. Knowing that he is a perfect little baby in a perfect body up with the Lord has turned some of our sorrow to praise. It sounds horrible, but I'm trying to be completely honest. It makes me smile though knowing that Xavier was such a little fighter. Strong-willed just like his brother. The pathologist had said she had never seen a placenta that bad and the baby survive that long. Way to go Xavier - you were a stud from the moment of conception :) But let's be honest, we all knew you were!

This has by far been the hardest journey we have ever had to face. Our faith was tested and in the end, strengthened. The Lord is good. He is our comforter. He is my rock and there is no problem too big for Him. I have truly learned the power of prayer and the mercy and grace of our Father. Matthew 11:28, pretty much my saving grace (and sanity), says "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Words cannot describe the way this verse, along with many others, carried me through.

We love Xavier dearly. Remember him daily. Will be reunited with him one day and until that day, we will give thanks for the imprint he has left on our heart.

Summary.

Let me tell you - these last few months have been a whirlwind! I still can't believe it is November...almost the middle of November, and yet, I can't believe it's not December yet. When Brian decided to take the job at New Mexico Jr College, it seemed like from that moment on everything was either warp speed or super slow motion. The thought of being apart for 6 weeks seemed like FOREVER. There was so much to do...and with him gone I thought for sure I was going to die. Literally fall over and die. Having a 3 year old and trying to pack up and clean our whole house by myself is not my idea of fun. I am so very very very thankful for my sister in-law who came to help on multiple occasions, Lori and Jen who offered to watch Kai, Steve, Reggie and Ang who helped me move things into storage, and then again into the moving truck and the Condrons and Jones who let Kai and I crash at their place on multiple occasions when we had no place to sleep. I still can't believe I survived that without having a major throw down with Brian on the phone. I am really not sure how I kept it together...for the most part. Of course I had a few meltdowns - packing up Xavier's stuff from the garage was a little hard. Okay, really hard, but also a little cleansing. And that very last day when we were the Burg - loading the very last things into our car and driving to Overland Park to stay with my sister in-law and her family - it was so unsettling. I can't say I didn't question our decision that day. Why were we leaving our comfort zone to jump into the unknown again? At this point we had rented out our place in the Burg, had no house in NM and didn't really have an official moving date as to when we would join Brian and be our little family again. All we knew is that God was in control and just to go with the flow. Luckily, I've been pretty good at rolling with the tide, but sometimes enough is enough!

Thankfully, the Lord is good. Always. Malachi and I had a BLAST with the Borland crew. It was nice for Kai to have someone to constantly play with, even if it was princess dress up most of the time. And I'm not going to lie, it was nice for me to have someone to talk to and just be honest with. I mean, for the most part I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's a very special thing when your sister in-law becomes your friend. And not just "a friend", but someone you can be completely honest with about your fears, frustrations...and of course have a good solid laugh session. Those friends don't come around a whole lot and I am so VERY thankful that the Lord gave us that time together so we could develop that relationship...even though Brian is her brother :) "Is this getting too personal?" Hahaha we had a lot of laughs and I'm so excited to have MANY more over Christmas.

So here we are in New Mexico, just finally starting to feel settled. We have yet to get into a solid routine with all the traveling we've been doing, but I'm hoping that we will figure things out before Thanksgiving. Who am I kidding, that will never happen. Did you not just hear me say I was a "fly by the seat of my pants" type of person :) At the very least, I am very grateful that our house officially feels like home, that our family is back together and that we have made a couple friends. I am very excited about the Lord leading us here and we haven't really questioned His direction since we've arrived. I do miss the Burg (never thought I'd say that...EVER), but I have no doubt that this is where we are supposed to be. Through everything I have learned that the Lord is indeed the great I am and that through thick and thin I will look to Him in all things. I'm not saying I don't struggle with His reasons at times, because we all do, but at the end of the day I cannot tell you how much my faith has grown these last few months. It really is true, sometimes you go through trials to make you stronger. As much as it really sucks (for lack of any better word) I'm thankful for what He has given us and where we are. Here's to a new beginning!!

I'm BAAAACK!

Have no need to fear my little trustworthy followers, I am officially back into blogging action, which also means I'm back into full force blog stalking. That's right, I stalk you guys. After living with my sister in-law for a solid month and after a long wait list for internet here in Hobbs (that's a blog in of itself, let's be honest) I am back in full swing. And here is a good long list of what you all have to look forward to...{drum roll please}

Kai turns 3
Colorado Trip
Schlitterbahn Fun
Xavier's Story
Moving Stress
Friends
Anniversary
Peace out Warrensburg
Living in the OP
Open Gym Fun!
MO--->NM
Moving in
NM is slow motion
The Potty Training Miracle
Another CO Trip
Maine Trip
Fun News

So please, stay tuned and check daily. Yes, daily. I'm going to try and bang one of these out a day so that I can be all caught up before December! Here's to hoping...right? But let's try not to hold me to this list as a new current post might get thrown in there somewhere. ANNNND the Xavier post might just take a little longer to write so that may have to wait until the end of the month. Deal with it.

Texas...

Life is funny. When Brian and I first moved to Dallas I instantly despised it. It was hot, very hot, and muggy, always humid and just a bunch of cars thrown into one big city. It was ugly-nowhere near the mountains or ocean like I was used to. Brian was making a whopping $400/mo being a Graduate Assistant at DBU plus going to grad school and I was unemployed. While he was busy with school and recruiting I sat at home applying for job after job and twiddling my thumbs. It was far from family and probably the last place I wanted to be. Needless to say, tensions were high and our first year of marriage was pretty challenging. It didn't help that Brian and I had not lived in the same town or state in over a year. While he was in Dallas I was in Maine and I cannot tell you the number of times I almost broke up with him. Men, especially in long distance instances, can be so challenging. In many ways though, it allowed for me to grow. It taught me to express myself without attacking and to be clear on the way I was feeling and why I was feeling that way, though this did not stop me from wanting to reach through the phone and strangle him because he was playing Halo for the millionth time and I hadn't talked to him in month. Ugh.

Fast forward a year later. I had started my job at GuideStone, loved my job and made some sweet sweet friends. I worked with 2 guys that were about my age and absolutely hilarious. The ladies on my team, though all older, were all troopers and dealt with the harassment like champs. We all had fun, lots of laughs and at the end of the day I went home in fairly good spirits, which was definitely an improvement from my previous job. By this time Brian and I had gotten into the swing of this whole marriage thing and were finally enjoying being in the same town...I mean...house. Though I still hated Dallas and the every day traffic, all the heat and humidity, we were having a lot of fun. I had become fairly good friends with Mary, the head coach's wife, and adored their little family. They only had Isaiah at the time and Mary was pregnant and I was getting baby fever, though Brian and I agreed to not trying for kids for another couple years. A good distraction was when our friends Matt and Lindsey moved to town. Matt and Brian played basketball together at CSU and Matt had played overseas for a couple years before throwing in the towel and taking a GA position at DBU with Brian. Though I wasn't really friends with them when I went to CSU, we quickly became pretty close. After convincing them to not live in downtown Dallas in the "fear bucket" (pretty much the ghetto of all ghettos in Dallas), they moved into an apartment in the same complex as us. Since neither of us had cable we spent lots of nights together playing Super Mario and Donkey Kong, smoking cigars and illegally grilling on the patio. We shared struggles, frustrations, dreams, fears, laughs and tears...and even had a sleepover. It was fun. It was simple. And I was happy to finally have friends that were REAL. We were finally comfortable with Dallas. Happy even.

That fall Brian and I found out we were pregnant. No, it was not planned. Yes, we were shocked. Yes I blame Mary Flickner for having Ruthie and subjecting me to newborns, driving my hormones wild and thus, making me pregnant ;o) It was Brian's last season at DBU and with me being pregnant it was necessary for him to find another job. I always knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother and well, a family can't survive on $400/mo. This meaning we would have to leave our comfort zone and start anew. Though I dreaded the idea of moving, I knew God would provide and things would fall into place. And they did. Brian was offered a job at Central Missouri the day after Malachi was born. A few days later Brian was gone and 2 weeks later we joined him. It was a hard transition. Though I was thankful for the opportunity God provided, I was a new mom, Brian was gone more than I really wanted, in a new town and knew absolutely NO ONE! I was anxious, lonely and a little bitter. I missed my friends. I missed our nights trying to defeat Super Mario and Donkey Kong. I regretted not calling Lindsey more often to go out for coffee, or go to a movie. Yes, I was pregnant and for the most part exhausted, but I wish I would have made more out of our time in Dallas. From the big city to this tiny little town with basically only a Walmart and Applebees. Sweet. What was I going to do with a newborn and no friends? When I lived in Dallas I never once thought I would miss it...and there I was wishing that God would bring us back. But as the Lord so often does, he intervened and gave me a couple good friends in the good ole Burg. Thank goodness, otherwise I would have DIED!

Now, here I am 3 years later. Matt and Lindsey have the most precious 2 year old, Avery, and one handsome 4 month old, Asher. Though I still often miss Dallas, I really only miss those I left there. The ladies I worked with, my other friends Matt and Lindsay and their sweet little girl Payton, then of course the Flickners and the Williams. I want to be able to call them and say, hey lets meet up and let our kids get all rambunctious (Lord knows they do!) Or just stop by for a little play date, maybe a craft night, movie night or just a late night "cafe". Luckily though, Brian's job takes him (us) back to Dallas about twice a year, and every once in awhile we hit it just right so that the Williams, Flickners and Thomas' are in town. This summer was one of those times!! WOOHOO!! The good thing about having such good friends is being able to show up, even after a year of not seeing each other, and picking up right where you left off. Watching our kids play, fight, hug, hit and cry together just makes my heart so happy. I hope that one day Matt gets to working on "our town" that he had planned out a couple of years ago so that we can all live next to each other and be one big happy family. Until then, we will hopefully enjoy many more annual Dallas trips!! Love all of you guys and miss you more than I admit to myself...it saves my sanity!! Hugs.

PHOTO BOMB ALERT!!

Drive to Dallas...chillin.

Chocolate Malachi picking tomatoes with all the kids :)

With the Flickner kiddos, being crazy!

Swimming!

Avery and Kai on our way to the splash pad...which they hated.

 Kai and Cash

Pool fun.

Freezie-pops!

Matt is such a bully!!!

This is typical. 

Avery had literally JUST woken up when Kai ran in 

and climbed into her crib. 

Matt Jr...I mean...Avery.

Dimples.

No one is really sure what to think in this picture.

Precious.

HAHAHA

My sleeping buddy, taking up the whole bed.

We really did have such a good time, even if Lindsey and I did lose to the boys in cards. At least we had yummy strawberry daiquiris and delish brownies. Next time Linz, next time!

4th of July

 Yep, it was 13 days ago, but guess what? I'm just getting around to it. Plus, there really isn't a whole lot that went down. Except that we almost started the Missouri version of the Colorado fires...darn smoke bombs. Anyway, Brian had the day off, obviously, and we weren't really sure what to do AND our bestest most loyal friends made plans with other friends since we're usually MIA during this time of year (yes, that is you Lori) so we kinda just sorta winged it. We ended up going to the pool, catching some rays, floating down the lazy river, tried to get Steve and Brian to go off the diving board ("no one needs to see that" was their excuse) and then headed over to the Hasslers (he owns the radio station here in town). Gotta be honest, I really wasn't looking forward to that night - I more envisioned us watching the Warrensburg fireworks across the street from the community center, just having a good ole genuine "family night", but I'm really glad that we went. Mostly because we found a new awesome babysitter for when our favorite is unavailable, but on top of that Kai had a blast with Hayden and Lauren, he loved watching the fireworks display they had, playing with sparklers and running through the smoke bombs. Brian and I had a good time because Kai found a new best friend (aka: our new babysitter) and hardly bothered me for anything so we were able to be more social. Come to think of it, I probably should have paid her for watching him that night because I sure didn't watch him...okay, okay, I did check on him quite often to make sure he was behaving, but I didn't have to worry about him. He pretty much sat with her the whole time and when he wanted something he asked her for it and she jumped right up and got it. Yep, we got a keeper...only problem is, I can't remember her name. She is the youngest daughter of the head coach of the Jennie's basketball team. Little Slifer - I think her name was Maggie, but I'm not quite sure. I guess I'm going to have to check the media guide. Shoot. Anyway, we had a great time celebrating America's birthday!!

From the smoke bomb...

I think these 2 had at least 5 cookies each

...11pm

Ride home...cookie in hand.

To My Sweet, Sweet Friends.

It's hard to know what to say or where to begin. And honestly, I have been putting off writing this because I just couldn't find the right words to express the way I really feel. I guess I'll just start by saying that sometimes a "thank you" truly does not express your most genuine gratitude, especially when you want to take every single person, wrap your arms around them and just burst with tears of appreciation. These last few months have been, by far, the most challenging of my life. The emotional roller coaster, the uncertainty, the questions that were left unanswered for weeks, the anger, the fear, the anxiety, the "why me?" - all of it. I have never been in a darker place. Yet through it all I felt so loved, so up-lifted, and I truly cannot thank anyone nearly as much as I need to. I have been so blessed with such amazing family and friends-friends that sent cards with words of love and encouragement, brought us meals, sent us gift certificates, baked us sweet treats, sent us flowers, prayed with us, prayed for us, came from afar to be with us at Xavier's service-I am literally speechless on the thoughtfulness and generosity of you all. One can never completely comprehend the power of a simple gesture until you have been in that dark of a place. The Lord is so good. And to those who live here in Missouri-those who were there minutes after they found out, those who practically refused to leave the hospital, who begged to take Kai so my family could be with me, who brought food to the hospital so that we didn't have to endure "nutritional services", who came back to the hospital the moment they woke up, who came by just to give me a hug (even if I was extremely drugged), who saw me at my absolute possible worst and still love me - your love will never, ever, ever be forgotten. I seriously cannot find the right words to explain the love and appreciation I have for every single one of you. Like it or not, you are all now part of my family and I am so very blessed.

"Every experience God gives us, 

every person He puts in our lives 

is the perfect preparation for the future 

that only He can see." 

-Corrie Ten Boom

Penis.

No, you did not read that title wrong. There was no way around it, and quite honestly, that is exactly what this post is about. And if you have a little boy around that is, ohhhhh at least 2, you will know what I am talking about. Actually, come to think of it, if you have ANY kids you should know what I'm talking about, otherwise we might have a problem and I would like to ask you some very serious questions ;o) But seriously, since Kai has started (kinda sorta but not really) potty training, he has become more obsessed with his little penis than anything else. I think...wait...I know it's because he now doesn't have that lovely padded protection (ie: diaper) to keep him from playing with it so any and every time he is naked or has undies on his hands are quite literally glued to it. Now I am really not writing this post to be a big pervert, but in many (all) ways this blog is like my own public journal and these next couple of stories I really do want to remember. Why? Well, because they literally made me pee my pants. I guess it is true what they say, boys play with themselves all the time and they never quite grow out of it...seriously I never thought that was a true statement until these last few weeks.

And now I give you my 3 very funny penis stories.

Tuesday afternoon after Kai had woken up from his nap I made him sit on the potty hoping that he would pee. Potty training really has been hit or miss with him, which is mostly miss, but we try just the same. Once he was nice and settled on the potty with a couple of books at his side I left the bathroom to give him some "privacy" - I really just do this because I know he'll sit there for a few minutes and I can run around like a mad woman trying to get some things picked up before it is completely destroyed again. Why I do this, I'm not quite sure, but in some weird and twisted way it makes me feel a little better about life. I might need an pysch evaluation. Anyway, I'm picking up a few toys when I hear Kai scream "OHHHH NO!!!" Now, he has said this in the past when he has peed or pooped on the potty so I just waited for him to yell for me and didn't (for once) run in their like a mad woman worrying something bad had happened. I do, however, start walking toward the door prepared to help him and praying that he didn't pee all over the wall, again. As I reach the bathroom Kai comes out and says, "OH NO Mommy, my penis is big!" And sure enough I was greeted with a little woody. Ohhhh lovely. Trying to not over-react (doesn't every mom?) I go grab some undies and put them on him like nothing happened. And for the record, he did not pee or poop in the potty. Fail.

The very next day (4th of July!!) Brian was home and was going to the bathroom. Kai ran in to the bathroom to watch. Yeah yeah sounds weird (especially if you only have girls), but he was fascinated and in some sick and twisted way I hoped that watching Daddy pee would inspire (is that the word I'm looking for here? erm...) him to start using the potty. Now I'm going to be honest, they always say 3 is a crowd so I did not join in on the "pee watching" but I did hear Kai say, "Daddy your penis is big. My penis is little, but sometimes my penis gets big." Please don't call social services. I swear this is all innocent penis talk.

And last but not least was yesterday. Oh water parks. Diaper free water park fun. You know what the means. If not, then you have NOT read this whole post. I cannot tell you the number of times we would be riding in the tubes and Kai would tell me, "my penis is big". Seriously. Thankfully he has a little voice and the water park was loud because OH MY was I embarrassed. To top things off, we were waiting in line for our last big run around the lazy river of the day. Kai is sitting in the children's side of the tube and I am floating in the back. He looks at me, informs me once again that he has a big penis AND it is "jumping". Good golly all mighty what in the world am I supposed to say to THAT? He continues to "make it jump" until finally we dunk him in the water. Distractions are key...I think?! Does this torture ever end?

In all honesty though, how in the world am I supposed to handle this? If I can't handle this when he is {almost} 3 I haven't the faintest idea how I am going to when he is a teen!!! My current strategy is to not make a big deal out of it and then distract him with something {ANYTHING} else, but when that has failed, I'm going to be honest, I just throw a diaper on him...mostly for my own sanity. GOOD GRIEF KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THAT THING!!!

Swim Trunks

(because I haven't loaded my pictures from my phone yet I have to use this one, just for the cuteness...)

So every Tuesday and Thursday the lovely Nassif Aquatic Center has a "toddler waddlers" from 10:00-11:30. It's really nice because it's only for 6 and under and not many kiddos show up, giving us the whole splash pad all to ourselves..and well, I don't feel like I have to completely hover over Kai making sure that the big kids don't run anyone over. Those dang big kids, always getting in the way :o) I mean, the pool during "regular hours" is always great and I tend to not be the "hovering type" of parent, but when there are middle/high school kids running around the "splash pad" area that is meant for toddlers, I get a little irritated. Seriously, the pool is about 2 feet deep, go play elsewhere ya chumps ;o) Anyway, Kai and I went yesterday and as we were getting ready (he had just woken up so was pretty cranky) I was explaining that we need to put a swim diaper on in case we have an accident, swim trunks on so that we aren't naked, sunscreen so we don't get a sun burn, sunglasses so we don't have to squint, etc. You know, just running through the list to somewhat try and distract him from his cranky "I just woke up, leave me the frick alone" self. So off to the pool we go with our towels in hand. We get there a little later than normal, because, well, Kai was sleeping, but there is still a solid 45 minutes of pool time left. I take Kai's shirt off and make him put "his" phone in his "pack-pack", which I realize it completely hypocritical since I leave mine out so I can take a few pictures. After he is all set and ready I take off my shirt and go to take my shorts off so we can get to splashing...and Kai starts freaking out. "MOMMY NOOOO! You not take your trunks off because you be naked!" I stare at him with completely confused, but he is legit worried, I can read it on his face. At this point he is pulling my shorts back up saying "No mommy no!" Okay, okay, I know I'm not in the greatest shape yet, but come on!! I try to explain to him that Mommy wears a swimsuit and doesn't need swim trunks, only boys need swim trunks. But he insists I keep my "swim trunks" on. Finally, just so we can get in the pool, I leave my shorts on. It's really not that big of a deal, it's not like I actually go swimming in the splash pad...if I did I would be again, hypocritical, since I get irritated with all those older kids when they do that. So I just stand there, calf deep in my swim trunks, making sure Kai doesn't push any littler kids over. Good thing I was a lifeguard once upon a time...

The Little Prince

A friend reminded me of this quote a few weeks ago and I just love it. It makes me feel better every night when I look up at the stars knowing that little Xavier, with that childish twinkle in his eyes, is smiling and laughing and one day we will be able to share those laughs together. Until then, little man, laugh on. I think of you daily, miss you often and love you always.

"People have stars, but they aren't the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they're nothing but tiny lights...But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you'll have stars like nobody else...

When you look up at the sky at night, since I'll be living on one of them, since I'll be laughing on one of them, for you, it'll be as if all the stars are laughing. You'll have stars that can laugh! ...And you'll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it...And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars. They always make me laugh!"

-The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

You can run...

...but you can't hide. We all know that saying. And about a week or two ago I decided that I would run...or attempt to. Brian had to work a basketball camp at UCM and had to stay in the dorms so it was the perfect time for us to hit the road and head out for an adventure to Colorado. I thought it would be good for Kai and I to get away, enjoy a change of pace and the beautiful view of the mountains. Not to mention, it's really not that bad of a drive so I don't know why we hadn't done it before. Brian's mom flew in Thursday, spent a couple of days with us before joining us on our "adventure" back to Colorado. I was so excited to get here. I was so excited to get away from Warrensburg. So excited to see family and friends. So excited to simply escape. To try and forget. The only problem is I can't just simply forget. I can't run and hide from the pain, no matter how much I want to or how much I try. Don't get me wrong, I'm LOVING my time here (can we move back already?!) but there is this lingering (sometimes constant) tug at my heart reminding me that the only reason that we are here is because Xavier is not. Instead of going to the zoo and enjoying our family and friends I should be snuggling my newborn and telling Kai to be gentle with his little brother. I should be exhausted and sleep deprived from waking up every 2-3 hours to feed Xavier, but instead I'm exhausted from being kicked all night from sleeping with my beast of a 3 year old. Seriously after the last couple nights I'm convinced he's going to be a future MMA champion. The kicks and jabs to my kidneys are horrid and last all night. Physical and emotional pain, just what I signed up for ;o) But for 9 long months my summer plans revolved around having a newborn and I cannot shut this train of thought off. I go through each day as normal as possible, but now that Xavier's due date has come and gone I just can't shake the "what should have been." I know the fall and holidays will be the same, hopefully with a little less anxiousness. Honestly, I'm not really sure what to expect through this whole journey...I guess I'll just keep chugging along...

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Struggles and Blessings.

It has been 4 weeks. 4 weeks since I found out I would never get to hear Xavier's little cry or giggle, see his little smile, wipe his tears or look into his little eyes. 4 weeks since the longest day of my life.  4 weeks since I held my baby for the first and the last time. 4 weeks of tears, anger, bitterness, and confusion. There are days that seem to drag on forever, but the weeks all seem like a blur. For the most part I think I'm doing okay, finding strength through my faith, my family and my friends. The prayers, they carry me. The pain, it brings me to my knees. The memories, they haunt me. I can replay the whole day in my head like a movie that I cannot shut off. Part of me doesn't want to, most of me needs to. If I don't it will eat away at me. 4 weeks and the pain still lingers. It will for a long time, I know. The days, they get easier to get through. The tears, they still come at unexpected moments. The anger, it creeps in suddenly. Emotions, they overwhelm me constantly. Yet, part of me can't stop being thankful. Yes, at times I feel that I was robbed unjustly, but then I look at my family. Brian's strength, Malachi's energy and their unconditional love. Oh, the LOVE! Pain tugs at my heart daily, but the joy overflows. I am blessed beyond words!! One day I might find the right words to tell the whole story. I wish I knew the why, I wish I knew God's plan and that there is a happy ending, but I don't. I only know that God has plan and that He will use this for His greater purpose and for now, quite frankly, I find comfort in that.

"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.  

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.  

I think of you in silence.  I often say your name.  

But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. 

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.  

God has you in His keeping.  I have you in my heart. 

I shed tears for what might have been.  A million times I've cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. 

In life I loved you dearly.  In death I love you still.  

In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill.  

It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone  

for part of me went with you, the day God took you home."

Sweet Innocence.

These last few weeks have been anything but easy, to say the least. I have good days scattered with "bad moments". I think I'm doing okay and then suddenly it will hit me. While here on earth I will never again hold my little boy. Ever. Yes, it makes me hold Malachi, and everyone I love, that much tighter for that much longer, so don't feel weird if i squeeze you just a little too tight. For the most part I can stay positive and rest knowing that Xavier and I will meet again, but sometimes it's just too hard to keep the tears from flowing. And that's okay. It has definitely made me reevaluate my life, the way I am living and what is really important. What is the legacy I want to leave?
Okay...honestly that's not really where I wanted this post to go...shoot! My whole point to writing this was to tell a cute little story about Kai and the sweet innocence of his toddlerhood!
Today I was trying to strap the hyper, can't sit still to save his life, never stops talking, almost 3 year old into his car seat so we could go to swimming lessons. Like every other time I've finally accomplished getting the kid strapped in, I gave him a kiss before shutting the door and climbing in to drive off. As we are backing down the driveway I asked Kai "do you know I love you?" Of course he gives me his cheesy grin before saying "YES Mommy!" Then I asked him, "do you know Jesus loves you?" He gave me a big shy smile and told me "Jesus playing with Xavier!" My sweet sweet boy it makes me smile knowing that you are listening, even though you do not fully understand. See, so though it has not been easy, there are some great moments during each day and it's those moments that get me through.
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Dear Malachi

I don't even know where to start. One day, I promise to explain all this to you in hopes that you'll understand, but for now we want you to know that Mommy and Daddy love you and are so very blessed to have you in our lives! We love you more than words can say! In some ways I wish you could understand all that is going on around you, but mostly I wish I could protect you from it. The pain, the tears, the stress, the disappointment, the anxiety, the hurt - I wish I could wrap it all up and keep it in a special place, a place where you would never have to see it, ever. Your little body isn't quite sure how to handle all of it, and it's making your tummy do some funny things. I am so sorry buddy! I pray daily that we can get back to "normal" for your sake. I know you see our pain through our tears, but more importantly I pray that you feel the love that Mommy and Daddy have for each other and for you. With every tear there is love, for you and for your little brother. One day you will get to meet him and he will love you soooo much! This morning when we were playing in the garage you saw some of Xavier's things and asked "when is Xavier going to be here"- it was heart wrenching trying to explain that he was was with Jesus. You saw my tears, you wiped my face and gave me the biggest hug. Buddy, you are so strong and so loving. You knew JUST what Mommy needed and I can't thank you enough for all the love you give me. You are an awesome big brother and an amazing son! I told you that Xavier got to play with Jesus and was looking down on us from the stars - you got the biggest smile on your face!! Malachi, we love you so very much and our hearts are so full! Mommy and Daddy thank God every day for you and we are so lucky to have you in our lives. Thank you for being one awesome little boy!!
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

Tagging

I can already see Kai's future as a graffiti artist. No, not the kind that's in a gang and marks territories or anything. Actually I'm not even sure those "taggers" are real or if I've just learned that from the movies. Anyway, watch out NYC subway and abandoned buildings, this little ginger has...skill? Maybe. Clearly his parents do not (yep the 2 to Kai's left were done by us...)


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Healing.

It will come eventually. I keep telling myself this. I am literally on my knees every morning and every night begging the Lord to make the pain go away. I am torn between wanting all the memories, the little moments that continue to haunt me nightly, to be ripped from my brain, and yet wanting to keep them forever so I never forget. Emotions are powerful and confusing. My heart is so heavy and full of anger and confusion, constantly hurting and yet at the same time I am so thankful. I am blessed beyond measure with amazing family and friends whose prayers and love have undoubtedly lifted me up daily, a little boy who lights up my world and a husband whose faith, strength and love is unwavering. His words put my pain at ease, his touch lets me know it's going to be okay. He holds me until my tears are dry and rubs my head until I am sound asleep. He never lets go of my hand. He prays for our little family the moment he wakes up and the instant he sees the tears well up in my eyes. With time the pain will ease, the images will start to fade but the love we have for our little boy will never dim. His little face I will never forget, his perfect little hands I will never let go of. I will hold him close to my heart with every breath. I will miss him every minute of every day and find peace in the knowledge that he is safely with my Lord in heaven. Brian reminds me that this life is but a moment and that one day we will get to spend eternity with him. Until then the tears will fall and the healing will continue. I miss him so much.


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Cyclops.

Apparently Kai is horrified of him. The other day we were outside enjoy this gorgeous weather we've been having and Kai brought the chalk out. Nothing out of the ordinary really. We were coloring on the driveway, the walkway, the side of the house when Daddy had the idea to trace Kai on the wall. Great idea...but the tracing didn't end up so hot. Kai can't sit still to save his life so what was supposed to be him really looked like a blob. And it only gets worse. Kai asked me to draw a mouth, eyes, nose and ears. Well me, being completely distracted drew his mouth and went to draw his eyes...but was legit not paying attention because I put his "eye" completely smack dab in the middle of his head. No joke, as soon as I lifted the chalk up Kai started screaming and ran to Brian saying "I scared! I scared! I scaaaaaarrrrred!" He had a death grip on him. I felt horrible of course, so the only way to distract him was to let him get the hose out to wash down that crazy creepy cyclops. Annnnnd of course being the awesome parents that we are, Brian realized Kai has never seen Monsters Inc so he went out and rented it. Nothing like really freaking your kid out after he's already been terrified of a pathetic chalk drawing. Lord, forgive us, for we have probably really messed up our child. 

Another boy...

Having another boy is hard. Why? Well because honestly I just want to go out and buy all new stuff, not use the same old boring stuff I had with Kai! I mean, seriously, it's been 3 years since Kai was a newborn and there are some wicked cool new gadgets out there that I just am itching to buy!! However, I am behaving (so far) and literally talk to myself daily, reminding me that it's really not worth it and that I'd rather save the money for MY new wardrobe after I pop this sucker OUUUUUT!! With all this self control I has been showing, I have made a few little purchases for the little guy. I mean, that's no big deal right? Not to mention all the amazing gifts people having thrown our way. Seriously grateful and overwhelmed with everyone's generosity! But anyway, back to me. I bought this little newborn hat a couple weeks ago and just got it in the mail roday...annnnnd I just LOVE it. I think it's so adorable and can't wait for little Xavier to wear it. The best part? He won't be old enough to rip it off so I can make him wear it all summer...okay, okay probably not, but at least for newborn pics and such! Anyway, can't take any credit for making this, though I did think of lying to you all like I did to my mom, but in all actuality I ordered it from Etsy. I'm kind of addicted to that place...


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