New Times With The Old Gang

So...

Friday (Dec 21) was Winter Solstice - the longest night (and thus, the shortest day) of the year. We celebrate Solstice because it is the moment when the earth begins to turn back towards the sun, and very incrementally the days will actually begin to get brighter. We celebrate it because we are celebrating the fact that we have just been through the darkest time of the earth and are now ready to slowly begin facing the sun again. Or more specifically, I celebrate Solstice. The rest of my friends are celebrating the fact that our very good friend Tiina is briefly back in town from Halifax. Also something worth celebrating, in my opinion.

So here are some pics from a little get-together that Alan hosted that night for a group of us that used to be quite "The Gang" a few years back...

Below, L to R: Kurt (blurry because he's moving to get out of the pic, I think. And in town from NYC for the Holidays!), Thea (blurry because she's moving and trying to give Tiina bunny ears. That's Karma for ya), Tiina and Alison, and... oh my, I can't remember the name of Thea's friend who is seated in the lower right-hand corner. I am a jerk. Damn. Sorry !Alan, Tiina, Thea (pronounced TAY-yah, BTW) and Alison...

Below: Not the most flattering picture of any of us, but I wanted to include it because it's one of the only pictures that captures (if even only in fragments) some other key members of "The Old Gang"; L to R: half of Rob, Me, Someone's Finger (my guess is Tiina), Alan (aptly enjoying a beverage), Sandi and a wee bit of Jeremy
It's Johnny Hall! Here's a special shout-out to you my friend; Because reading your recent comment on my blog post about my upcoming move to The Junction made me smile BIG. :D
Kurt, Tiina and Thea... Being the usual, krazy kids!
I don't know why Thea always feels compelled to make these funny faces in photos... (Alison looks excited though. Although I think perhaps here she's just feeling crazed about the fact that it's getting late and she still isn't packed and has to be on a plane to fly home to Winnipeg the next morning at some ungodly hour)
So that was Solstice Night. Otherwise known (to pretty much everyone else at the party as "Friday Dec 21st - the night of the party celebrating Tiina being in town!")

Last night, after I finished a surprisingly lovely day at work (I say surprisingly because it was December 23rd and I work in a retail store - but although business was "steady" yesterday it was never chaotic, and no one was christmas-crazy or anything!), I had plans to meet up and spend the evening with Tiina & Thea...

Thea wanted to watch Elf. I'm not sure that Tiina and I really wanted to, but we laughed at ourselves during our pre-get together Sushi dinner about the fact that we can generally be resistant to anything these days (oh, how we've gotten cantankerous in our old age)!

So, we watched Elf...

While we watched Elf, Thea wrapped presents...

She was well prepared with her "Present Wrapping Tape"

And Tiina taught me how to knit!

Lookin' good Thea!

It was just a super-fantastic night. And now it is the morning of December 24th and I am wrapped up in bed with my laptop, listening to CBC radio as I do laundry in preparation to be away for the next few days... I shall be heading to Oakville this afternoon to spend the night with Holly & Paul, then tomorrow we shall drive to Kingston to visit Holly's family and Robin will drive there from Vermont so I will get to see her too!

But before I sign off for "the holidays", here's one final wierd story I want to share with you: I woke up this morning, in my bed which is in the lower, basement part of my apartment and I was FREEZING! Like, really, really cold. This may not sound wierd to most of you, but it was very out of the ordinary for me. I've actually never found it even a little bit "chilly" in my place, so the fact that I was ABSOLUTELY FREEZING was kind of strange. I thought about texting my friend, upstairs neighbour and landlord, Guntar, and asking whether the heat was broken or something. When I finally got up the courage to get out from under my covers and go the upstairs part of my apartment (technically the rear half of the main floor of the house I live in), where my kitchen and bathroom and entrance are, I saw that my door (which I guess I had forgot to lock behind me when I came home last night) had blown open in the middle of the night! No wonder I was freezing! I think I heard on the radio that it's minus 2 degrees out right now! I wonder how long it was open?!?! Crazy huh?

Well anyways, I better go have a shower and pack a few things.

So, This is Triple M, signing off for "The Holidays".

Merry, merry. Or whatever.

Namaste.

Snow Day!

It snowed last night. A lot! And kept snowing. And then it snowed some more. And more! And MORE! So much snow!!!

I came out to Oakville to spend some time with Holly and Paul again this weekend. I'm glad I made it here yesterday before the storm hit. Today was a cozy day full of not doing much - a good chat with Robin on the phone this morning, followed by intermitent computer time and reading, chicken soup and backyard bird-feeder watching for lunch, an afternoon of watching Nanny McPhee on Video On Demand and more lazing about. Lovely...


So, this is me earlier today, cozy, inside, at Holly & Paul's in Oakville:


And here are some outdoor pretty-snow-and-lights pics:





Reflections from inside, looking out:

Snippets and Snapshots of My Life Right Now

So, this is what Toronto looked like today:
Above: The view looking southwards down the street that I currently live on...

I say "currently" because I have decided to move. Alas, not yet to New York (I'm a firm believer in timing, and the timing just isn't right for me right now), but I definitely need to get myself out of this BASEMENT that I am living in! However lovely as it may be. So I gave my two months notice at the beginning of this month and began the constant perusal of Craiglist. I have decided that not only do I want to live above ground, but I also want to live with people again. Enough of this alone stuff! So I randomly answered an ad that I guess most people wouldn't...

I actually just went into my email account and found the copy of the ad that I sent myself before I replied, here it is:

"We are about to buy a house in our beloved neighbourhood of the JUNCTION. We're devoted to this great little community...but we're also devoted to living from just one income while we raise our little boy (13 mos). Sooooo how to buy a house, stay in the junction, and still be an at-home-mama??????

Well, we are wondering if there are any peaceful, cool, open, child-friendly, creative, interesting, community-minded people out there that would like to rent a room (the bedrooms are HUGE) in our new house. Its a great place. You and possibly another would have the run of the upstairs, with a huge bathroom and laundry. We would share the living space (living w. fireplace, dining, kitchen, den, patio, garage, wireless internet, ample street parking). Who knows maybe we could even make a room/board arrangement of sorts and I will cook for us all...for a bit extra.

We are looking for Feb.08. If this interests you - let me know. It could be the start of something really great."

Well, I guess I felt like this really could be the start of something quite great so I wrote an email to this anonymous craigslist post-er... Only to find out that this woman is in fact someone I would consider a "long lost friend", someone that I worked with during the first year that I lived in Toronto (when I was 19!)and have some really great memories with, someone I have often thought about over the past few years... Crazy!

So anyhow, after some excited emails and then some missed emails and a lot of hilarious drama that thankfully worked out in the end, Laura and I ended up meeting for hot chocolate this afternoon. And I met her lovely little 13 month old son, Henry. We spent an amazingly lovely afternoon together and then her husband Louis came home from work and we enjoyed a nice dinner together. And I think this IS the beginning of something really great!


So here is what The Junction looked like last Thursday (not as snowy as it was today), when I took my own little private field-trip out to check out the neighbourhood on my own (before meeting up with Laura this week):







And just for fun, here are some pics that I took last weekend, of the lovely little bookstore where I currently work:


(Above: The View From My Desk)



So, I guess my life's not lookin' too bad these days, hey?

To Dream of Remarkable Things Happening In My Life (Sometime...)

I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friend Mark. He's on this very impressive cooking kick, where he tries out 5(!) new recipes a week. I've been fortunate enough to enjoy the fruits of this new initiative of his twice now - yum!

Other than the delicious food (crispy mint tilapia with veggies in a very flavourful sauce, fyi), I enjoyed some good conversation with this dear friend of mine, who knows me so very well...

We spent some time talking about what I'm doing with my life these days; I expressed that although I know that I am very much doing what I need to be doing for myself these days, it's hard for me to reconcile where I am now with the uber-achieving person that I have been in the past. I'm too tired right now to reiterate all the wise and supportive things that Mark had to say in response to this sentiment, but strangely enough I came home and randomly flipped open a book called "The Language of Letting Go" (that I actually borrowed from Mark over a year ago now!) and happened upon this quote:

"I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realised it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life" - Anonymous

And I shall now take that thought and ponder it as I head to bed...

Goodnite.

Confessions From A Wandering Mind...

Am in Oakville right now. Yes, again. I'm sure I've said this before, but I like it here. And for whatever reason, this is where I want to be most of the time these days. So be it.

On Saturday night Holly and Paul and I went to see a movie: "Lars and The Real Girl." I quite loved it. Ryan Gosling plays this quiet, recluse sort of guy who basically invents a relationship for himself with a life-sized plastic doll, and the small town he lives in sort of rallies around him in support of his delusion, and in a way this doll is given life... Sort of... Explaining this movie doesn't really do it justice, so I basically just recommend going to see it.

I have to admit though, that I have found myself really compelled by this notion of inventing a relationship with an inanimate object... It seems so appealling to have so much control over something like that... It also seems so tempting to not have to live in the real world. Actually, sometimes I feel like I'm not really living in the real world these days. That I am avoiding it. I try to face it, but it's just so bloody tiring!

And you know what I find particularly exhausting/terrifying/overhwelming? Brace yourself now for the irony of this...

The Internet!

Yes, I know that coming from someone who is writing a fully accessible online blog, it is definitely ironic to be often-times paralysed with fear of the internet, but it is this wierdly addictive and powerful window into other people's lives! For instance, this morning I went and browsed through Facebook checking out pictures from the lives of people I went to university with. And then I read the blog of a friend I used to work with who is travelling through Thailand with her sister. And all I could think about was how there was so much life happening around me... And in some ways my own life feels so still right now...

A memory from earlier this morning floated through my mind: As I was recording a dream in my journal from last night, I went to write today's date at the top of the page and almost wrote September 19th. It really does feel in some ways like I've misplaced the last few months and I believe that it should still be September...

I feel as though I am being quite complain-y and lamenting too much here about my current state of being. But that wasn't really my intention... You see, although I do feel somewhat lost and at odds and ends with myself, I also feel quite strong in a way... I feel that it is strong in a way to even be writing the truth about where I am at in my life, especially when that place feels somewhat stuck and "icky". I also think that it takes strength to recognise/believe that some days are better than others...

Well, I really do feel as though all my mind can really do today is wander... And just like it is nice to go out and just take a walk some days, for no reason, I think it is nice to just let your mind take a walk some days... for no reason... I have to go back to work again tomorrow, and I will probably feel better, so for today I am going to continue to try and relax and just let my mind wander...

It's My Day Off and I'll Be Lazy If I Want To

As I was walking to work on Monday, I felt good. (Actually, I usually feel good on my walks to work. Maybe that is something worth noticing...?) The weather was really grey and misty and on the verge of rainy - totally the kind of weather that most people grumble about. But to me, it was familiar, and comforting. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: "This is the kind of November that I am used to" (Or rather, that I grew up with in Vancouver)

Now, I know it's not particularly normal to long for grey and rainy days, but that is what I have always missed about Vancouver.

I enjoyed my misty walk to work on Monday (even though my hair was a bit of a disaster by the time I got to work!) and took these pictures as I walked through the park that I am so lucky to live so near to:









I think it's another grey-ish day out there, but no rain. I think it's really the water that I like. Not the color grey.

I have the whole day off today. My first day off after working five days straight at the new bookstore job. I realise that five days may not seem like a lot of days to work in a row to some (and probably even to me, at another point in my life!) but compared to the pace of life that I've been living, and how I've been feeling, it's a lot. And newness can be exhausting too.

So anyhow, I have today off and there are really so many things I should be doing... But I just feel tired. And somewhat unmotivated. My house is a mess, but I certainly don't feel like cleaning it! I am doing laundry though - hooray for small victories, right???

I'm trying so hard to "simply" live in the moments, "be here now", and not get wrapped up in regret or worry, but that's damn hard! All I can think about right now is the fact that I made a goal for myself to move to New York City by January 2008 and it doesn't look at all like that is going to happen. And if I'm honest with myself, it's probably not the right thing right now anyways.

Ugh, enough of this grumpster-ness. I am going to go make myself some lunch (<--Hooray! Another small victory, not eating out!) and curl up with a book. It's my day off, I can do what I want!

Photos from my walk to work today...

Somehow I am still in awe of the fact that it actually occurred to me to take some random photos on my (also somewhat surprisingly) pleasant walk to work this morning, and that I actually did!!!

Check out what has become one of my regular sights these days:
(Lovely, no?)


Just before I left for work this morning, I came across a card that I received in the mail a few weeks ago from my lovely friend Thea. It was incredibly thoughtful and very apt. The front cover said this:

"THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS FINISHED. THAT WILL BE THE BEGINNING." (Louis L'Amour)

The leftover death-themed Halloween decorations that I passed on my enjoyable walk to my new job today got me thinking about both endings and beginnings. So here is a picture to commemorate that...

Here, Now.

Yes, I am aware that my "summer hiatus" went on for quite some time. AND it was extended in to the Fall. Well, so it goes.

I must admit that I have been thinking about and wanting to start blogging again for quite some time now, but I have been dwelling on how to start again. I have been searching for, and drafting in my head, a way to write about and explain my "hiatus time." That is, until I recently came to the conclusion that I do not have to explain anything. I do not owe any explanations to the universe. This is my blog for goodness sake!

So here I am. Back. For now.

My life is very different these days, but that's probably a good thing...

I am presently enrolled in a meditation course. It is a "MBSR" (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program based very closely on the program developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn(just google him if you're really that interested). It's good, I guess. I'm not sure that I really "get it" yet, but I am faithfully doing my homework which so far consists of an hour-long daily mediation practice (with accompanying Guided Imagery CD's - thank goodness!)

I also just started a new job last week. I cannot seem to make this statement (either privately, publicly, outwardly or inwardly) without attaching the following statement: "It's not My Next Great Career Move, but it's good for now."

The job is in a lovely little bookstore that specialises in selling books on alternative health & spirituality, and healing, as well as gift-y type products such as cards and journals, gemstones and crystals, jewellery, essential oils, etc.

As I happen to currently find myself at a bit of a "crossroads", or period of change, (Or Whatever), I think it shall be a perfect job to help me bring stability and routine to my life (as well as a very minimal amount of income - but something is better than nothing, right?)

Anyhow, my big goal right now is to LIVE life and not be defined by what I do.

I'm starting to really focus on enjoying simple things: Taking a walk on a nice day. A good meal. A good movie. Good company...

I am planning on learning to knit. I am really looking forward to this.

Presently I am in Oakville (where I have been since Saturday night, but I have to head back to Toronto this afternoon/evening because I have to work tomorrow), I have been enjoying a little visit with Holly & Paul (Robin's parents). I've actually spent quite a bit of time here over the past few months; it's a good, safe, supportive place for me, and I hope to keep my visits here regular over the next few months.

It was my birthday on Friday. I tend not to make a big deal of this occasion, and it wasn't a big deal, but it was lovely. (Perhaps more reflection on birthdays will come later this week...)

Holly and Paul bought me my (icredibly generous) birthday gift early and gave it to me when I spent about a week with them around Thanksgiving in early October, when Robin was here. They bought me a digital camera. Here are a few shots from the lovely, lovely time that I got to spend with them and Robin while she was here:


Robin and I immediately after jumping in to the freezing cold lake at her uncle's cottage near Kingston, on Thanksgiving weekend. This mini "polar bear swim" (or as it's been more aptly named by Robin's Aunt Janet - The Turkey Splash) was the brilliant idea of Rob's cousin Lindsay, who conveniently forgot to bring her bathing suit.


To be honest, I probably wouldn't have pursued this ridiculous notion of jumping into freezing cold water on Thanksgiving weekend, if Robin hadn't been so intent on it. But I'm glad we did it. It was fun. And it was especially lovely to spend that whole week at the beginning of October with Robin and her parents... Very, very lovely...

Soooooo...
It is my intention to write more, again, on this blog, as my journey through life continues... Guess we all just have to wait and see what happens...

Hiatus

hi·a·tus
1. a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.
2. a missing part; gap or lacuna: Scholars attempted to account for the hiatus in the medieval manuscript.
3. any gap or opening.

Synonyms: break, interval, space.

So, for inquiring minds that wanna know...
That's what I'm doing right now - taking some space.
Am still alive - absolutely.
But am taking some space.

So for now,

consider us on a (hopefully brief) Summer Hiatus.

XO,
MMM

where the cool kids will be this summer...

one of my very nearest and dearest, bestest friends EVER is in a very awesome band that is touring across Canada this summer... check out their poster, find your city, and get yer butt to their show when they're in town! I guarantee you won't regret it!!!

(I get by) With A Little Help From My Friends

Alright, so my well-intentioned plans of writing on this thing every day have clearly not worked out. So it goes. I'm alright with it.

Not surprisingly, I've been busy, busy, BUSY! Turns out that simultaneously assistant directing the Peace Theatre Camp production and producing/stage managing Two in the Bush for the Fringe Festival was maybe not the wisest undertaking. But I made it through! The Fringe ends today, we had our final Two in the Bush performance this afternoon - that is, until we perform at the "Best of the Fringe" hold-over series at the Diesel Playhouse at the end of this month! Woo Hoo!!

What's kept me going, (although I am embarrassed to admit that I haven't had the time to properly acknowledge this by returning phone calls & emails) have been the lovely, often totally unexpected, and rather out-of-the-blue phone messages and emails (and blog comments!) from various people out there, simply sending me their love, support and thoughts. Truly, these have always arrived just when I need 'em the most, and have given me the hope, strength and inspiration to keep going... even in the face of total exhaustion and frustration.

Thank goodness for a little help from my friends!

I have to say, amidst all of this (great, important, and meaningful - to me atleast) work, I have felt a little bit lost... Lost in the sense that I've felt like I've been working so hard on other peoples' projects that I've forgotten a little bit about who I am, and what I want... But now that the Fringe is over, and Peace Camp will perform, and wrap up, at the end of this coming week, I am feeling as though I will have a little more time to focus on projects of my own, and I am feeling determined that I must do this.

At the top of my list of things to attend to are:
* My move to NYC - I gotta make this happen!!! I know that I owe it to myself!!!

* Research and writing of my book, and...

* A return to the writing of MY next show???

Okay, so there you have it my friends, the goals for the coming days & weeks, more updates to follow. Sooner rather than later. I promise.

XO,
MMM

It's Gettin' Hot in Here!

Maybe it's the heat... Maybe it's the fact that I have (yet again) over-extended myself in some ways... Maybe it's just the natural ebb and flow of life, with ups and downs, and lots of all over the place and in-between...

But today was kinda a hard day. I must say, I'm super-thankful that I have tonight and tomorrow night off from the Frige Festival show... because today, Peace Camp was MORE than enough to wear me out...

It's kind of ironic (and yet not) that Peace Camp is so full of conflict... It's just really, REALLY challenging to put together a play with a group of about 65 people... A combination of professional artists (complicated enough to collaborate with these!) as well as kids, teenagers, young adults and elders! Oh my! And I'm really struggling to find MY place in this big melting pot, as the "assistant director"...

Anyhow, today was a tough day. And the fact that's CRRRRRAAAAZZZZYYYY hot here in the T-dot didn't help much either. I'm not so great in the heat.

Anyhow, so that's where I'm at right now. Hot. And tired. And busy. And gettin' ready to head to bed. I realise that I haven't been posting on here daily, as I intended to, but so it goes. I'm okay with that.

And for now, that's all I have to say.

*NAMASTE*

"Rainbow Warriors", Small Fires & Standing Ovations

What a day!!! (Day 2 of Peace Camp and Opening Night of Two in the Bush!)

Three things I want to tell you about...

1. This afternoon at Peace Camp for our "Global Perspectives/Guest Speaker" session, we had two women from Six Nations come in and do an amazing Native ceremony with us. They concluded by telling our group of children that they were Very Special becuase thousands of years ago a prophecy was made: In the time of change in Mother Earth a generation of young people would be born with the spiritual gifts to ensure that the earth will be alright. They will come from a variety of cultures, countries, faiths, etc. And so they were named The Rainbow Warriors." Inspiring.

2. I arrived two hours prior to showtime for our opening night show tonight in a total whirlwind of various "small fires" (last minute changes to, and then the printing of, our program, followed by the collapse of our set, computer difficulties with our slideshow... oh my!). It was INSANE. And I really thought that disaster was impending, but... we managed to makeshift our way out of these disasters and eventually (5 minutes before curtain) we were ready to start the show (without having had the time to do anything we planned to do, like a Cue to Cue, or a testing of the sound levels, light focusing... I barely had time to put my make-up on before I performed) and...

3. Our first show (performed to a nearly sold-out house!) was SPECTACULAR! Tracey was amazing. The audience loved it. And we got a standing ovation. I am THRILLED. Totally proud and totally impressed. With all of us.


AND, I'm exhausted. So to bed now. Another day at Peace Camp tomorrow, followed by another show. It's ON!!! And I'm pumped!!!

NAMASTE

Do You Realise?

Random (scattered) thoughts at the end of a very full day...

...Sometimes when you're a perfectionist, and harder on yourself than anyone else is, you can get sooooo consumed with your drive to be perfect and do everything that you end up projecting all of your own self-doubts onto others, ultimately tricking yourself into thinking that it's them that is/are demanding so much from you (when really, it's you). This never results in goodness. Actually, it just puts a whole big ball of negative energy out into the universe around you. So if you're like me in the above-mentioned "perfectionist/harder-on-yourself-than-others-are" kind of way, be aware of this... and be careful not to do it...

...There's a beautiful story that Tracey recounts in her new show (Two in the Bush! - Opens this Wednesday night - woo hoo!!!) about Joan of Arc. Apparently, when she was burned at the stake, she asked a man in the crowd to hold a cross so that she could see it, and asked him to shout out assurances of salvation so that she could hear them above the roar of the crowd and the flames. In the show, Tracey's character reminds us to make sure that when the roars of life get loud, make sure that you always have a friend to shout out assurances above the flames... I think this is my favorite part of the show. And I am thankful for those friends that I always seem to have, that shout assurances loud enough for me to hear them above the roar in my own head....

...Peace Camp starts tomorrow and Two in the Bush opens on Wednesday night - EXCITEMENT!!!

"Do you realise???
that you have the most beautiful face... we're floating in space... that happiness makes you cry... that everyone you know, some day, will die...
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realise that life goes fast, it's hard to make the good things last, you realise the sun don't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round"
- The Flaming Lips

One Year Ago Today

You probably already know this, but just in case you were wondering... Our bodies are not made to stay awake, working, for 36+ hours. It's possible (I know, because that's how I spent yesterday & the day before) but most definitely not ideal.

So, after sleeping for about 12 hours, I am now awake and it's Canada Day. So far today, I've been doing some much overdue cleaning around my apartment (laundry, dishes, sweeping, taking the recycling out, and other glamorous activities like that) while listening to CBC radio. I still feel pretty groggy, and tired, and perhaps a little aprehensive about the next three weeks (that will see me simultaneously assistant directing Peace Theatre Camp, and producing and performing in a show for the Fringe festival)...

One year ago today was the final performance of "Drew's Group" (a play that I co-directed, featuring the teenage friends of a boy named Drew, who was murdered a year earlier) at the Canada Day celebrations in Stan Wadlow park, in the east end of the city. Then my co-director, Mark, and I took Drew's mom Cheryl out for dinner. Then we all met up with another one of the teenagers' mom's - Kathy, and we walked down to the park where there was a memorial bench & tree for Drew, to meet up with the rest of the teenagers to celebrate a little. Oh yeah, by this time it had started raining a little bit. Then it started raining harder. Then there was thunder. Then there was lightning - and it was Mark and Kathy who got struck. As Cheryl ran up the hill to get reception on her cell phone to call 911, I stayed with Mark and Kathy...

You know, I've been through quite a bit of crazy stuff in my life, but a year ago today was definitely one of the scariest, and worst, things I've ever been through. But I guess I have to show up to the BBQ at Cheryl's house this afternoon anyhow. So... here I go.

What's Ahead...

It's Friday morning and...

what lies ahead of me today is picking up a cargo van, then lights, lighting stands, sound equipment, then a load-in & set-up of our performance space, dropping off of the van followed either by a 5pm - Midnite shift at the restaurant (if I'm lucky and someone is able to trade with me) or a rehearsal followed by an 11pm-6am shift, if I'm not so lucky. Because 9am-9pm tomorrow is the Drew Stewart Memorial Basketball tournament that I *promised* my friend Cheryl I would be at all day... And then Sunday is Canada Day otherwise known to me and my friends as the one year anniversary of the day we got struck by lightning in the park last year... Whew! Am feeling a leetle bit stressed at the thought of all that is to come, but I'm SURE it will all work out the way it needs to.

What Goes Up, Must Come Down...

Now that I have decided to try and write something on this here blog every day, it's interesting to note how dramatically different I can feel from day to day...

Today for example. I feel fragile. Worn down. Exhausted. Weak. And I hate feeling this way.

My first instinct earlier today was to blame myself, and feel frustrated, angry and guilty. To scold myself with thoughts like: "Meghan, you cannot keep doing this to yourself! You need to listen to the people around you who keep warning you not to take on too much!" But then I suddennly flipped my frustration to be towards all of those "people" in my life who give me such warnings and advice, and thought to myself "Well, what they really mean, is they want me to take care of me, so that I can be better for them. And do more work for them!!!"

Well, after about half an hour of crying on a park bench post-rehearsal with Tracey, and two tearful phone calls with two of my best friends, and most importantly... some air and just a little bit of "me time", I have realised that blaming and scolding, either myself or others, is really not going to solve anything.

What I really need to do is just figure out what I need to do to really take care of myself (what I need to say no to, and when, and how) and then DO those things.

So here I go...

"NAMASTE" - FYI...

Because I often sign off my blog posts with this word, I thought I would share with you my understanding of this term...

Namaste is one of the few Sanskrit words commonly recognized by English speakers. In the West, it is often used to indicate South Asian culture in general. "Namaste" is particularly associated with aspects of South Asian culture such as vegetarianism, yoga, ayurvedic healing or Hinduism.

Westerners who learn about "namaste" from yoga often believe that the word is part of yogic practice, and that it has a multitude of very complicated and poetic meanings. Some examples:

- I honor the Spirit in you which is also in me

- I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peace; When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One

- I salute the God within you

- I recognize that we are all equal

- The entire universe resides within you

- The divine light in me salutes the divine light in you

- Your spirit and my spirit are ONE

- That which is of God in me greets that which is of God in you

- I honor the Holy One that lives in you

- I bow to the divine in you


(Thankyou Wikipedia for this concise little blurb!)

And...

*NAMASTE*

It's ON!

The last few days have been CRAZY... C-R-A-Z-Y!!! Worked overnight at the restaurant on Saturday and Sunday (and Saturday night was a particularly tough shift because the girl I was supposed to be working with went home very early because she was sick). Following my overnight shift on Sunday, I hopped on the subway and headed directly out to the east end of the city to the Peace Theatre, for the first day of our two day Peace Theatre Camp "Guide Training" session. Needless to say, at the end of this 24 hour period of being awake and working constantly, I was pretty exhausted. And being in the beautiful, natural "oasis in the city" that is the Peace Theatre (a gorgeous heritage home and outdoor amphitheatre nestled amidst Taylor Creek Park), I was also suffering some serious allergic reactions. And the hot sickly smog of our city's current atmosphere didn't help much either.

So I'm lucky that Tracey was so understanding when I showed up for our rehearsal yesterday evening (yes, I came straight from the Peace Theatre), wearing the same clothes she had seen me in the previous evening at our last rehearsal (from which I went straight to work at the restaurant afterwards), an allergic and exhausted mess. I am so thankful that she told me so firmly to go to Shoppers Drug Mart, get some Benadryl and go home to bed. Which is what I did. Although despite the four spoonfuls of Benadryl that I took in Tracey's presence before I headed home, I was still a sneezing and sniffling mess all the way home on the TTC. It was actually quite embarrassing - I could not stop sneezing! And I felt like everyone on the subway & bus must've thought I was just a really inconsiderate sick person. I wanted to stand up and declare - "IT'S JUST ALLERGIES!!!" But I didn't. Instead I arrived at home, my face and eyes actually swollen with red, allergy-induced grossness, and I downed another four spoonfuls and promptly passed out in my bed.

I slept for what felt like hours and woke up in what I now realise must've been a Benadryl-induced coma or something, because it was only 8pm and I thought it was 8am. So I called my good friend Mark, to whom I am "assistant director" for this summer's camp, and had a strange, foggy conversation full of insanity that I'm not quite sure he realised was exhaustion & benadryl-induced. You see, I thought it was Wednesday morning and that I was late, and I felt so sick and foggy and kept apologising for not being at the peace theatre... It's funny now, in retrospect, though at the time I think he was quite worried about me.

Moral of this story:
1) No more working for 24+ hours straight with no sleep, and
2) No more liquid Benadryl (it's non-drowsy LIFE brand pills from now on!)

In any case, I am feeling super-pumped about this summer's Peace Camp - and about my life in general! I am feeling excited, inspired, motivated... all of that good stuff!

I've also decided that I am going to experiment with updating this blog more regularly (I am gonna *TRY* for every day), if not always so "thoroughly". For example, sometimes I may just record random thoughts in point form, or even just write a sentence or two as my "thought for the day", and save the long-winded storytelling and updates for the moments when I have more time and motivation (the way I have been keeping this blog to date) - sound good to y'all? Yeah! Me too!

On that note, I shall sign off and say... 'til tomorrow... We'll see what happens!

In love and gratitude always,
*NAMASTE*

The Top of the World?

So, I had a really great meeting tonight, with this exceptionally amazing young woman that I am going to be collaborating with this summer on the "movement & meditation" element of Peace Theatre Camp (but more about all of that later!), and at one point we were just chatting (or rather, I was going on and on) about what else we do with our lives, and I was telling her about all my various jobs and projects and volunteer endeavors and she started to get this look in her eyes... This look that kind of made me want to stop rambling on and on with such enthusiasm and gratitude. And when I finally stopped, she paused in a reflective moment, and then commented on how great my life seemed, and how listening to me, it made her realise that there were all sorts of things that she really wanted to do and she feels worried that she is sacrificing those goals too much these days in lieu of social time...

SOCIAL TIME?! I asked incredulously. "Well from the girl who is known among her friends for being too busy to show up for almost everything," I began, "let me just say, social time is indeed very important, and perhaps now I envy you a little for the amount of your life that you seem to presently dedicate to fun time with your friends..." Social time, and friendship time is indeed, very, very important.

Now, that being said, I think I have been able to find a workable balance lately. I'm sure all you blog-readers out there will agree that I do seem to be socialising enough these days - yes? But it bears reiterating that work, and projects, and goals, and all of that, are all really important, but at the end of the road (of life)... what will YOU want to look back on, and re-live, and remember with fondness?

(PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT RIGHT NOW AND ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR YOURSELF)

So anyhow, I kinda feel on top of the world right now. Maybe it was just a really good day, or maybe some things are really and truly starting to come together in reward for all of my hard work and dedication lately... In any case, I am feelin' good (and of course, THANKFUL) again...

An update on "The (My) Good Life" in brief, is as follows:

- some recent developments have made my move to New York seem closer and more realise-able, or maybe I have just brought that particular goal more into focus as of late... But in any case, there is a possibility that I may be moving there as early as September!!! (Fingers crossed that I get accepted for the internship that I am applying for - or offered some other amazing and/or lucrative theatre-releated job, and that living situations work out... Fingers and toes and ankles and... everything CROSSED!!)

- Peace Theatre Camp is drawing nearer and I am feeling so pumped about it! I am excited to be the Assistant Director to two of my favorite theatre artist/educators (and friends!), as well as the co-leader of the movement and meditation/journalling element with a really amazing girl who might just be one of my new favorite people! Not to mention the fact that Peace Camp is always an amazing experience and I am just so looking forwarding to being back in our little natural "oasis" in the city, with all of the kids and youth that I know (and the ones that I don't know yet), and the other amazing artist guides that I know (and the ones that I don't know yet!), for the first three, sure-to-be-glorious weeks of July! YESSSSS!

- The Toronto FRINGE Theatre Festival is also drawing nearer, which means Tracey and I are getting closer and closer to premiering the also sure-to-be-glorious sequel to The Burning Bush show - Two in the Bush! We start rehearsals later this week, and I have been dilligently working on the choreography for our opening dance number (to my all-time favorite Madonna song - Lucky Star!), which it looks like I will also be dancing in, as well as doing my best to keep all "production-related" balls in the air in my role as artistic producer... And I feel like all of my work is coming to fruitition. I really feel like this is going to be a great production! One of my best acts as producer to date, I feel, is acquiring my "assistant stage manager" - a 19 year old girl that I met through the AMY Project last year, who is just so motivated, and dedicated, and truly fantastic... we are indeed SO lucky to have her on our team! Yay!!!

- It would also appear that all of my (albeit somewhat reluctant and/or resentful) hard work and dedication to my volunteer work for Real Food for Real Kids is starting to pay off... Today I had a meeting with Hope and another workshop facilitator, finalising our educational workshop plans, and it looks like once I'm done with the crazyness of my life in July (Peace Camp for the first three weeks with the FRINGE overlapping and happening during the first two weeks - oh my!) I will be able to return to my "day" (or rather night) job at the restaurant and also do a bunch of educational food/body awareness workshops with little ones at daycares in August - FUN! And I will get paid to do these workshops - BONUS! Also, I have been working closely with a high school student volunteer at RFRK to prepare some grant applications & proposals to get funding for RFRK's Educational Lending Library, and FINALLY, these proposals are ready to go out... Fingers crossed again, for generous funding!!! In any case, I feel great because my "supervisor" at RFRK seems to be feeling really great about all of this, and also really grateful and acknowledging of my efforts... so that makes me feel great too!

- I started riding "Boyfriend" (calm down! I'm referring to Thea's bike that she left in my care for the summer. The bike is named (by Thea) Boyfriend - ahahahaha, awesomeness!), and although it still feels harrowing at times to ride a bike through the city streets of Toronto (don't worry - I wear the helmet religiously!), I am persevering, and it feels good. Both to persevere AND to be active. I've also resumed my morning yoga routine, albeit in a strange sort of way... You see, I was finding it hard to be motivated to do my sun salutations when I wake up in the afternoons, as I do most days now (thanks to the overnight restaurant job). But now, on the days that I work, I do my routine in the mornings when I return home from work and before I go to bed... Kinda backwards, I know, but still, it feels good to be working my body in this way again. Really good. I also started going to Moksha (Hot) Yoga classes again, which is super challenging given my serious aversion to the heat, but I think ultimately good training for me... Both in terms of being able to be more flexible (physically) as a result of the heat relaxing my often incredibly tense muscles and me getting more used to the heat... training that will definnitely be useful this summer at Peace Camp, and in the future if I end up spending any summers in NYC... Phew!

- I have also been watching a lot of romantic comedies lately. And ya know what? I highly recommend this. They are often cheesy, inevitably imperfect, but light and easy to watch (and fall asleep to), and every now and then kind of uplifting and inspiring. My favorite recent rental (and possibly a new addition to my list of favorite movies) is "50 First Dates", starring my all-time favorite actress: Drew Barrymore, and one of my fave males: Adam Sandler. (NOTE: I am also a big fan of "The Wedding Singer"). Other recent romantic comedy watchings include "Music & Lyrics", "Failure to Launch" (both not as bad as I'd heard they were), "Love that Boy" (an indie-canadian film that I own, and LOVE, and highly recommend), "Amelie" (a french one that I also own and also ADORE and also INSIST that you watch, if you haven't already). I also finally got it together and had a long-overdue date with my good friend and former roomate, Reesa, last night and watched MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE... Dirty Dancing, of course! *Sigh*

"I carried a watermelon?!" - my all-time favorite movie line. Who can't relate to that moment?

On that note, I shall sign off. Perhaps find another romantic comedy to watch, and fall asleep to. Or maybe I will do some work before I log off for the night. Or maybe I will check Facebook. Most likely, I will do all of the above.

Until next time my dears...

*NAMASTE*

Grumpster No More (at least for now)

So, the term I kept using to describe myself for much of last week was: "Grumpster". Yep, I felt like a real grumpster a lot of the time. And I think that it might have had a lot to do with the fact that I was without computer. And then that realisation made me even more frustrated (with myself), because I really didn't want to admit that a lack of internet access (and access to all of my work files, etc) could throw me off so seriously. I mean, what does that say about me and how I define my self, and more importantly, my happiness?!?

I guess a big part of my frustration/grumpiness/irritability (as a result of the lack of having a computer) was the fact that I couldn't work... On anything. Without all the files, I couldn't work on the grants that I said I would finish for the Real Food for Real Kids Education Program; Without regular internet access I couldn't follow-up on press, publicity and scheduling emails for Two in the Bush (Tracey's newest show); I couldn't even work on my own stuff - my writing, my work research/applications for NYC, and my blog! ;)

But as legitimately frustrating as all of these things are, I couldn't help but feel even more frustrated by the fact that I was so perturbed by this lack of work in my life. I mean, it's been beautiful (albeit friggin HOT) here lately. And I think I was equally disturbed by my inability to "unplug" and simply just Be for a few days. This addiction to work, and tendency to define myself by what I do is another very old issue for me. Something I've been aware of, and struggling with, for many years now. I guess this past week was simply another one of those annoyingly poignant reminders from the universe... And I think (hope?) that the message was sort of received...

With no work, no Facebook, minimal email access, and no blogging to "distract" me, I did find myself looking at my life, and the world around me, in an ever so slightly different way...

Some beautiful "unplugged" moments from the past week include:

Attending the Children's Peace Theatre's "Give Peace A Chance" fundraiser last Saturday afternoon, and savouring the beautiful, natural, open space of the Peace Theatre grounds in Taylor Creek Park, as well as the company of many beautiful people that I love dearly. I enjoyed a few still, solo moments amidst the crowd of people dressed (yes, sometimes a little bit cheesily) in 70's/hippie themed outfits, and I pretended silently that I was somewhere else, other than Toronto in 2007... Somewhere and some time with less... hustle? Distraction? Stress? It's hard to describe without sounding like I've smoked waaaaay too much dope, so I will simply say it was... Lovely.

The following, warm, Sunday afternoon found me on a spontaneous "swimming/play date" with my 6-year old friend Roxy and her dad (a friend from my old Annex 'hood). After we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly in the cool indoor pool, we emerged from the community centre near my house to find that there was some sort of festival happening in the park. There were rides, games, treats, music - the works! I had an hour or so to spare before I had to run off to work at the restaurant that night, so we bought some ride tickets and rode some swirly thing that looked small enough to feel safe, but reminded my body of the heart-stopping adventure I had at the Ex last summer with my teenage friends - oh my! We watched Roxy go bananas in TWO different inflatable bouncing castle thingies, and finally Roxy dragged me through a house of mirrors maze that ended with me going down a slide - something I have certainly not done in a long time! And again, it was... a very lovely afternoon.

The week found me slipping quickly into a real pit of grumpsterness, but THANK GOODNESS for those friends that know exactly what you need and when... I think it was Tuesday night that my dear friend Mark coaxed me out to have some patio beers with him, even though I definitely did not hold any promise of being anything close to good company! After I listened (as attentively as I could manage in my pathetic, self-involved grumpster state) to his reflections on our upcoming work together co-directing the Peace Theatre's Peace Camp production this summer, and his unpredictable dating life, he looked at me and said "Tell me what's good in Meghan's life right now" And when I was silent for so long (and probably looked like I might cry right then and there) he smiled compassionately and said, "Tell me what Meghan is looking forward to right now"...

I said that I was looking forward to the moment when I feel excited about life again, like I do so often; The time when I exclaim (as I am known to often exclaim) that "I am so excited about the future" or "I love life!"; and I said that I knew that that time must be coming soon, even though I couldn't feel a sliver of those feelings for the life of me, at that particular moment. And internally, I reminded myself to have faith in the cycles of the world, and wait for this dip to re-direct itself into an upswing again. And here I am.

I am excited about the future, and I do love this crazy life of mine, for all of its dips, peaks, connections, and malfunctions. Plugged/Unplugged, I am still here, still living... and loving.

So here I go... "unplugging" again, or rather simply signing off, for atleast another day or so ;)

NAMASTE

Life Unplugged (Or "Life, TBA")

Just a quick note for any of you who are actually still out there checking my blog and wondering where the heck I am...

My ol' little ibook died last week, just a few days after my last blog entry. Alas. It's been a stressful time of minimal internet access for me over the last week or so, but I am finally back online with my shiny new MacBook! Woo Hoo!!!

"Life Unplugged" found me very perturbed, disturbingly so. I found myself feeling so angry and generally grumpy, and then annoyed with myself for feeling this way all because I was without computer!

Some very interesting times indeed.

But unfortunately, I don't have time to write about all that I reflected on, questioned, figured out, etc. right now because I have a TONNE of work to catch up on!

But I did want to say that I am still here. Still alive. Still living my life... and now, I'm "plugged in" again.

And I promise to write again SOON.

with love and gratitude,
always,
MMM

Feelin' Thankful...

So last night I hosted a "Goodbye Thea" party in my backyard. Because this dear BFF of mine is leavin' town (yet again!) to join her boy at Farm School on Cortez Island in B.C. for the next three months. At least this time she's leaving with the promise that she'll be back, because usually it's more of like "well ya never know..."

But I shall miss her. Thankfully I will have "Boyfriend" (her bicycle) to remind me of her in her absence. Yes, that's right folks, Thea is leaving me her bike this summer. And I actually have plans to RIDE it!!! Even though I am terrified of biking through the streets of downtown Toronto, and absolutely refuse to join the ranks of those who participate my biggest pet peeve: riding one's bike on the sidewalk! So, I guess we'll see how long I live... Haha, just kidding. Sort of.

Anyhow, so last night I hosted a party in my lovely backyard, and I must say the night was... Lovely. And I think all in attendance would agree. It was just a very, very good gathering of lovely and interesting people, in a lovely flowery setting (with a fire, of course), on a lovely warm Toronto summer night. I had some good laughs, some special moments, some great conversations and some tasty ruby red grapefruit vodka - soooo tasty! I got to spend chill social time with my best friends that are in my life on a regular basis, and spend time with others that I don't get to spend nearly enough time with! I met some new folks, and connected with some former acquantances that I think I'll now call Friends! I found myself constantly smiling, and constantly feeling thankful for those that I was surrounded by.

Thank goodness for these times when you are reminded that the world IS full of really good people, who find it so natural to do good things with their energy and time - whether it's simply being a good listener and a recycler, or using your life's work to make some small impact on the world for the better. I think the thing I love most about getting together with many of my friends all at once is that I end up feeling great about ME - because I do believe that everyone in our life is some reflection of some aspect of ourselves, and when I get to look around and see all the fabulous people that I get to call my friends, I think to myself - Wow, if I have even just the tiniest little bit of each of these people in me, I must be a little teeny bit fantastic!

Oh gosh, I hope that doesn't sound conceited. I just really and truly feel so thankful that I have such amazing people around me - both near and far!

Gratitude, yes, that's what note I would like to end on. Gratitude.

Today, I am oh-so Thankful.

*NAMASTE*

One Full Day

Yesterday was a DAY. A long one, a busy one, a tiring one, an inspiring one, a confusing one, a conflicted one… One full of good feelings, great feelings, not-so-great feelings and a lot of figuring things out…

Although I only went to bed a mere 3 or 4 hours earlier, my day yesterday began around 8am, as I opened just one eye to reluctantly peer at the orange numbers on my digital alarm clock. I prayed briefly for some miracle that would keep me from having to leave my bed at all that morning, let alone at that moment… But alas, no miracle, at least not that one.

I had only just gotten out of the shower when my phone rang – and it was Tracey. It was still a good 45 minutes earlier than I expected her to be at my place (for the first reading of her newest play) so I answered hoping this wasn’t one of those “Surprise! I’m totally early and standing outside” kinda calls. It wasn’t. Well, not quite… She was about 20 minutes away, and still very early. Ah well, she was probably nervous and excited.

She had invited about 10 or 15 of her "nearest and dearest" over to my place for an 11:30am reading of her newest show - Two in the Bush! For which I am the Artistic Producer (as well as choreographer, and... as the play stands right now at least... I have a little cameo appearance in the opening dance number - oh my!) Guntar had generously granted me permission to use his studio/dining room/living room space (what? did you actually think I was gonna host a reading of a play in my semi-basement apartment?!?!), and it didn't take much for TES and I to set up a little audience seating area, pop the veggie lasagna into the oven to cook and wait for her incredibly punctual guests to arrive.

The reading was lovely. I loved it, the audience loved it. It was very, very good. Not quite perfect, but likely on it's way to being practically perfect! I truly feel honoured to be such an integral part of such a genuinely inspiring and uplifting project. Yes, I am very, very proud.

After the reading I hosted (literally - my recently brushed up serving skills paid off!) a cozy little lunch gathering in our beautiful jungle of a backyard garden. I mixed up salad, plated up lasagna and served people (carrying 3-5 plates at a time!) while TES listened to and took notes about their feedback for her show. It sounded very productive. TES and her mom were the last ones to leave (around 2:00, maybe?) and I had just enough time to do the dishes and some other much-needed cleaning, while thinking to myself "why couldn't I have found the time to do this before I hosted the lunch party with actual grown-ups?!" Ah well, so it goes.

I had a 3:30 meeting at Real Food For Real Kids - to further devlop our plans for the new "Body Detective" nutrition/health workshop that I will soon be delivering in schools and daycares. It was an okay meeting. I met some new volunteer workshop facilitators and they seemed quiet and maybe a little bit turned off (or just overwhelmed?) by me. As I made my way home after the meeting I tried not to let that get to me. I found myself getting into quite the mental rut and I kept having to ask myself what is really bothering you right now???

After some very much-needed (though brief) "check-in" time with Alison I was off again (maybe I spent a little too much time with Ali because I found myself running down Queen street in order to make it on time) to see the Peace Theatre's Youth Leaders Theatre Project (YLTP) perform as the opening act for the preview performance of this year's AMY Project show - I AM HER. For those of you who may not be aware, the YLTP is a theatre program for teens that I started last fall at the Children's Peace Theatre. And the AMY Project is an incredible theatre program for at-rish girls run by my friend and hero (and actually a sometimes co-worker at the Peace Theatre!), Claire. Claire is an incredibly talented actress, but is also very gifted as a director and teacher with young people. She started the AMY Project two years ago - it stands for "Artists Mentoring Youth" and pairs each young female participant with a professional artsist of their choice to act as their mentor as they collaboratively create an original theatre piece with the other girls, that is directed by Claire. Last spring I was their stage manager, so I know many of the girls involved in that program too.

What a night! Talk about being reminded of what you are passionate about, what really matters to you, and what you are good at! It was wonderful, and inspiring, to see so many of the youth that I once worked with, continuing their work on stage. And it was even more wonderful to see them all after the show and see how happy they were to see me. It was very "affirming"... And I had this moment when I realised that yesterday had been such a gift of a day... Providing me with a range of experiences (both positive and not-so-positive) that helped me figure out exactly where my greatest passions are, and what I really want to be spending my energy on!

And on that note, I must get going... To spend some more much-needed "check-in time" with my best friend, then to the Opening Night Gala Fundraiser for the AMY Project, and then to meet up with my newest good friend, Laura, whom I work with at the restaurant.

So, uh... ciao for now!

(I think the fact that I actually just typed that is SO hilarious that I'm not even gonna delete it. Even though I know I should because of it's unbearable cheesiness. Oh my)

Good Things That Have Happened Over The Last Few Days...

1. On Thursday, my new friend Hope (who is also my colleague slash "boss" at Real Food For Real Kids, where I am working/volunteering) randomly gave me her metropass, which means I have saved A LOT of money, taking public transit for the last few days - woo hoo!!

2. I have received some random (and not-so-random) messages/phone calls/emails/etc. from (old and new) friends that have reinforced the positive efforts of my life thus far - yay! (And Thank You!!!)

3. I am healthy again... no longer sick!!! Hooray!!!

4. Most Importantly...

I have had some F-U-N...

"Taking The Long Way"?

I truly believe that if we listen carefully enough, the universe is providing us with all the answers, information and messages that we need. The forms that these messages come in however, are often unexpected and/or unconventional.

Take for example, the last week or so of my life... In some ways, I think even my getting sick and bedridden was a way for the universe to get to me to slow down enough to take some much-needed time for reflection and evaluation, of where I am at, and where I am headed. Throughout the last week or so, I have found myself asking myself, over and over again, the oh-so-important questions of:
What are you working towards???
What is/are the ultimate goal(s) that you are working (so hard!) to achieve?
And are you working hard at the right things in order to achieve these goals???


I truly believe that I needed both the wake-up call from my body (Hello! Remember to take care of me too!!!) in order to take the time, to find myself asking these questions.

The answers have come in interesting forms as well...

Naturally, I have done a lot of thinking, and a little bit of writing, about these questions and have found myself reaching my own, intellectual answers. I have also had some random, yet important, conversations with friends that have led me to some interesting answers. And these conversations haven't necessarily been directly related to my internal questioning either.

No, these conversations have moreso taken the form of long-overdue check-ins with best friends, old friends, new friends and even "business" meetings with Tracey! In fact, after our meeting last night, TES sent me a somewhat random email that quoted a wesite called Genius Press (www.geniuspress.com), which provided me with a much-needed reminder, that I wish to share with you, my dear readers, as well...

At this time, I wish to remind you (courtesy of Genius Press) that...

(Among other things), You are a genius!
You are one of a kind. What you love is what you're gifted at. Your talent is coded into your genes and filters everything that has happened in your unique history. You have original vision and that makes you a genius. The only way to feel satisfied is to listen to your own nature; in other words, to do what you were born to do!

And... It's time to rediscover your dreams and put them back on that table!
There are dozens of practical, realistic ways to make every dream possible...

Self-helpey? Yes, absolutely. But still worth listening to? I think so. And I feel like these were words that I really needed to hear at this point in time, to remind me to keep my own dreams on the table, always.

And so, in the interest of using this online journal of mine as my "table", and recording my dreams & goals for myself and for the universe to bear witness to, here are my dreams and goals, both grand and "small", as of today...

* To move to New York City by January 2008
* To make a living working in theatre and education
* To write and publish my book (about grief, and grieving as a "young person")
* To live in Manhattan (one day, at least)
* To own a house and a dog (one day...)
* To make a positive impact on someone else's life
* To be a foster parent (one day...)
* To be able to take care of my loved ones, when they need it...

You know, it's funny, but looking at those things in writing, well... They don't really seem so un-achievable to me, not at all. In fact, that list appears totally manageable to me!

So there you have it. I've recorded it for all to see... My dreams and goals at this point in time, mid-way through my 26th year of living on this planet, from my home in Toronto, Canada.

And I'm okay with "taking the long way" to achieve these goals, if the long way is as The Dixie Chicks describe it in their song... ;)

Thoughts From The Bedridden

It's wednesday afternoon here in Toronto. It is very, very warm. I am sitting outside, in "my favorite spot in the whole world", as I like to call it. I am sitting on my "deck" (or rather, our back porch) in a comfy, wooden "muskoka chair" that Guntar so kindly assembled for me last spring, feeling the warmth of the sun against my skin and enjoying the view of the colorful tulips that seem to be taking over the garden - in a beautiful way, of course. Apparently, the weather has been pretty nice here for the last few days, but I wouldn't know. I've been in my bed, sick, very, for at least the last two or three days (though, I've been sick for longer... maybe I should've started resting sooner?). In any case, I am starting to feel much, much better today.

The thing about being sick, is although you don't have the energy to DO much, you end up with a lot of time to think. Some of the things that I've been thinking about are...

My job(s)... I like the restaurant job, and I don't want to quit. I really like the people that I work with, and they've been surprising me with their kindness and compassion repeatedly over the last week or so. The recycling issue still bothers me, and I am going to see what I can do to change it. But in the end, I like being a server. I like working with people. And I like the money too, it's pretty decent. And it's flexible, which works for me and my one million and three other endeavors! Also, last week one of my tables left me a note on the back of their receipt, it read: "Meg you are awesome! Me and my friend both had shitty days and you made us smile!" (They knew my name because I have to write it at the top of all my credit card bills)... Isn't that nice? Sometimes you have no idea how much of a difference a little bit of friendliness can make!

I must confess though, that I did go for another job interview the other day, to be a "fitness technician" at a women's only gym. I know I'm not exactly trained to be a "Fitness Technician" but I convinced them that my enthusiasm and willingness to learn would make up for that, and they pretty much offered me a job. Oops. I think that maybe I shouldn't take it on... A girl can only do so much, right?

Another thing (or concept?) that has consumed much of my thoughts over the last few days as I lay in bed coughing and sniffling and trying to sleep, is the role that others play in my life, and vice versa.

It's lonely being sick. Since I moved out on my own (about 7 years ago) this is a lesson that never ceases to surprise me, just a little bit, each time it comes around. Perhaps it is because I live and thrive so wonderfully on my own, 98% of the time? I cherish my independence, even though I absolutely adore the dear friends that I choose to surround myself with. But each time I get sick - and I mean truly sick, that kind of sick that just sort of knocks you onto your back without you even realising that it was coming your way - I am reminded of how lonely independence can be. Of course, I find that the universe has a funny way of taking care of us... By pushing us to our limits, and then just when I really need someone - they show up! It was funny, I found myself really missing a certain friend this week while I was sick, and this friend is currently travelling on another continent! But we ended up chatting on the phone yesterday, and I felt better, just being reminded that those we love and those who love us, are always out there. I am often reminded of how lucky a girl I am, because it feels like there are many loved and loving ones out there!

Speaking of people "out there", another cool thing that has happened in recent days/weeks is that I have been reminded (or notified) that I have some regular blog readers out there! (You know who you are!) Which is TOO COOL in some ways (y'know, I really write this thing most of the time IMAGINING that SOMEONE, somewhere, MIGHT read it... sometime) but is also a little bit of a reality check. I mean, I'm not stupid here people. I realise that I am seriously putting myself out there by writing an "online journal", and I'm not terribly candid about who I am either. This is risky in a number of different ways...

I suppose it COULD be risky if I ever chose to talk negatively about someone, or represent myself in a negative manner that I wouldn't want certain people to read about... But I try to write this blog in the same way that I am trying to live my life which is: Honestly. Bravely. Kindly. Compassionately. And with fun, excitement and time for reflection. The way I see it, you don't have to love everything or everyone, or always be perfect, as long as you take ownership and responsibility for your actions and are honest with yourself and those you care about. Which is what I'm trying to do here with "Brave New Girl"... And by the way, THANK YOU to my dear friends and readers who leave comments for me - I love it! But I also invite you, even if I don't actually know you, to show the same courage that I do here on the internet when you are posting your comments to me... and dare to be something more than "Anonymous"...

Difficult Decisions/Dangerous(?) Confessions...

How do I reconcile the fact that I work at a restaurant that doesn't recycle because "it's too expensive" with the reality of the way I live my life? A life where I believe that the only real difference I can make in this world is by my own personal actions... Like selling my car, trying to generate only one (small, kitchen-sized) bag of garbage a week, recycling, composting, volunteering and working for organisations that aim to teach young people about peace (with themselves, the environment, their bodies, their peers, strangers, etc)... With every thing that I do, I am trying to make the most positive impact that I can make on this world, and yet... Something doesn't fit right now.

Big decisions ahead. Not just about what to do about the restaurant job (and yes, it does feel a little dangerous to be questioning the ethics of my employer on the internet)...

Like? Do I return to work this summer for the organisation that I left in January? I love this organisation, I love the people that I get to work with, and obviously I love the young people... But is there such a thing as "a time to move on"???

Sometimes I get so busy, doing the things that I love, the things that I want to be doing, and the things that I think I ought to be doing... that I wonder if I am really taking care of myself. Such an old problem for me: I can take care of everything and everyone else around me, but can I really take care of me?

I think I can. No, I know I can. And maybe all this questioning is a way of doing just that. Maybe this is just the way for me to figure out what the right next steps are. Maybe listening to how I am feeling right now is the first step to making sure that I feel differently, that I feel solid and right, in the near future.

I think it is...

These Were A Few Of My Favorite Things...

Riding the subway this afternoon, my thoughts drifted... to clothes. Yes, admittedly this is where my thoughts tend to wander when I am most bored & tired (not that public transit is boring to me, there is often a lot of good people watching to be done, but today... well, I guess I am still pretty tired.) Anyone who knows me well knows that if I walk out of a movie and have my outfits picked out for the next week or so, this means the movie was B-O-R-I-N-G. (Sorry to say this but "Gladiator" comes to mind as an example of this.) Anyhow, this afternoon I was thinking about clothes. But more specifically, I was thinking about some of my favorite items... that I no longer possess. And for some very, uh, not-so-respectable(?) reasons. Boo!

First I was thinking about the excellent black jersey shrug that I purchased for a mere $11 from H&M last spring, when I really didn't have $$$ to spare on clothes, or even shampoo for that matter. Oh yes, I was broke then. But Devon was in town from H-fax and wanted to hit up H&M and when I saw this perfect, simple, little black shrug, I knew it would be a staple item in my wardrobe. Indeed, that was the best $11 that I ever spent. This shrug performed perfectly throughout the spring and summer, as I paired it with all my little black dresses (both fancy and casual). It served me and my typically hot-temperatured self equally well throughout the fall and winter, as an added little bit of warmth over my always short-sleeved shirts, that sometimes just didn't cut it when the temperature dropped, like it still does every now and then.

Alas, the perfect little black shrug was a casuality lost in New York earlier this year, the night of the FRIGID Festival Party. (Avid blog readers might recall me writing about the events of this, uh, jovial night... When I had all of the festival organisers running around every 20 minutes searching for my "lost" coat & purse. "Lost" in such covert places as hanging over the back of a chair in the centre of a room. Oh my.) Sadly, I was so into the party (and clearly not really into keeping track of my belongings) that my dear little shrug got left behind that night. And inherited by someone else, I guess. Because although I searched the lost and found the next day (for both my dignity and my shrug), nothing turned up. Woe is me.

As my thoughts wandered this afternoon to lamenting the loss of this excellent wardrobe item, I remembered my hot pink pashmina scarf. Again, anyone who knows me well these days, knows that these pashmina scarves have also become a bit of a staple in my wardrobe, at least 3 seasons of the year (summer in Toronto is a little too hot to rock any kind of scarf, if you ask me)! And this hot pink one, well, it was Hott. And also perfect. Not too dark, not too red, not too fluorescent, not too baby. Just a perfect, bright, bold, Pink. Sigh... That one was lost about a year and a half ago, on a glorious night that was my ex-boyfriend's birthday. Poor guy had me accompany him to his friend's band's secret concert in an empty warehouse or something (a concert organised to celebrate someone else's b-day - no joke) and he ended up babysitting his way too drunk (that's what happens when you have to BYOB, and you bring a mickey of vodka and end up drinking the whole thing straight because you forgot to stop at the store and buy mix!) ex-girlfriend. Oh Happy Day. While he did manage to get my stubborn self into a taxi home at the end of the night, he did not manage to send me on my way with my beloved hot pink pashmina. I guess it's understandable. I can be quite a case sometimes.

Now, not to make it seem like I get wasted and irresponsible all the time... 'Cause I really don't. I swear, I am the responsible one, often times!!! Really! But back in the day, when I really wasn't all that responsible (but c'mon, I was 17 and attending my first year of university all the way over in England!) I experienced my very first alcohol-related wardrobe loss. It was an excellent black skirt and shell/vest/top thing. Fantastic. Stylish. Classic. I miss it to this day. The short version of this story is that there was a wine tasting event at my school, I sampled a little too generously, ended up in pool of my own vomit (ooh, classy, I know!) in my bed. Still fully (though perhaps not so stylishly) clothed at this point. I don't even know what brave, angelic soul got down and dirty and dressed me in my PJ's and threw away my soiled bed linens and clothes, but I shall remain eternally grateful. Even if they did throw out one of my favorite outfits in the process. It probably would've never been the same anyhow.

But yes, these were a a few of my favorite things, and the things that I was thinking about today on the subway. I guess the moral of these stories is... "Don't drink and dress"??? Or maybe, don't drink so much you forget that you love what you're wearing??? I'm sure there's a lesson here... somewhere... But I don't have time to properly ruminate on it, I'm meeting an old friend for drinks in less than an hour, and I've got to go pick out an outfit!