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Well it's in..just a spasm..wow was that Dr. at the clinic off.. Wayne went to his Dr's appointment and the Dr. won't help. Wayne got nasty with her because he is in pain and they aren't doing anything! She wanted to do some more blood tests and he told her flat out no she wasn't looking in the right place. So yes back to ground zero so to speak. he does now have an appointment with a neurologist. It's not until April. I have no idea how to help him until then. Well there isn't anything I can do..except maybe bug the hell out of the Dr's. I have decided there just aren't any good Dr's here. I do like my kid peds Dr at least..lord knows hes like family it seems. I feel like i'm drowning. I can only describe this by saying Utah..I had such an awful life in Utah as a teen. But that's another whole story. I don't think I ever had any good teen years. Well I'm off to do something in my kitchen. Bailey's at school and I have a whole hour left to myself.

The end?

I think this may be my last blog. I think this kind of started out with me trying to help myself unload and let my friends know what's going on with me..I guess it's still that way right? well here is this weeks drama-Wayne has had very bad headaches for a very long time. years. Monday he just couldn't take it anymore and went to a quick care clinic. Let me step back for just a second-he has seen many many Dr's about this. All have said something along the same line as "oh it's high blood pressure" Or "oh you need a hobby" No these are not from to much stress or high blood pressure. Granted he does have lots of both but they are not the cause. So back to the clinic story-so he goes after work not wanting to spend anymore money on Dr's but he just plain out can't deal with the pain anymore-He tells the Dr. that those things above are what is always said and no one is helping him and he just can't take it anymore. Every morning he has to get up is a horrible thing. He is just ready to give up and die. He doesn't sleep add back, neck and head pain and it makes for a lousy life. The Dr. listened he actually listened!! He asked Wayne the questions that all Dr's ask and then asked about his hands. Again something all Dr's ask. But he listened and heard what Wayne was saying! Yes his hands always go numb! The Dr. said that just isn't right. No one's hands just go numb. Other Dr's would say oh it's how you rest your hands while driveing..ummm..wrong..This was a clue. The Dr had xrays done. NO DR. HAS DONE THIS! Here's the kind of funny part-I did not go with Wayne because of the kids-I see all the time at the Dr's office a member of the gym that I always have contact with. We text all the time and I watch her sweet babies at the gym. But I see her all the time at the Dr office. It's kind of embarrassing really. Anyway she is a xray tech. So kind of jokingly I texted her and asked if she was working. the answer-yup-so I said see my husband? (the clinic is across from the Dr's office and she does xrays for the clinic and everywhere and is why I see her all over the place because well..we visit so many Dr's) I THOUGHT I was being funny..little did I know that she had actually already been there and xrayed him. Or Wayne walked across the parking lot to her office..any which way she had seen him and I didn't know that. I said (still texting) sad huh? Meaning it's sad that one of us is at the Dr's AGAIN. I think that's when she was like uhh Star have you talked to Wayne yet? Just then Wayne called. Bad news. like there's any other kind. They found a chip out of his neck bone. most likely the cause. It's not good. We will find out more this afternoon. This could mean so many things. What all I am not sure but I am afraid to say what is floating around in my head. As my gym friend says and Wayne-don't freak out yet. well..to late. I already have Wayne in my head on disability and us living in the shit hole we've been living in for 3 years forever and everyone being cranky and sick because the place is full of mold..Bailey's breathing treatments have gone from 1 maybe 2 a week to up to 4 a day. It's all about the $$. I think by the time we are done with this year my guess is our medical debt will be around 10g's..shit..and still all unhealthy..and no home to call our own. So forgive me for never sounding happy. I just can't see the bright side of things anymore. Oh and what caused the chip? An old injury of some sort. It may have happened one night when he got drunk (like wayyyyyyyy long before we even met) and hurt himself and hardly remembered it or the bad dive he did in a swimming pool or maybe even when he got shocked changing a light and fell off the ladder and landed horrible. Something from the past is doing more damage now and we are just starting to find out what all the issues are. He goes to the Dr. in a hour and a half. If you guys want me to blog it let me know..

I don't know if this is worth keeping going. But here I am typing away at the moment..Big changes are taking place this year for us. I am losing weight. 8.5 pds so far. I am working with a friend who is crazy into health and fitness and is getting ready to do a weight lifting championship in Vegas. Hence why I need everybody to buy bows or blankets so I can earn my way with her! I am very excited to get the chance to go see a bunch of beautiful women who have worked on there bodies so hard...some a little to hard..but non the less I really want to go! I am working on changing my eating habits BIG time..it sucks..but I am tired of being fat and don't want to look like Wayne's mom who is HUGE...sad I know..I don't want to look like my mother either but at least shes not super fat! So I am changing my bad eating habits. Wayne is getting on board as well. He has gone to a dietitian..for him it's not going to well yet. I have a way strict diet Wayne just needs to learn to eat well and when to eat it.
We will be moving this year. As soon as we have around $5,500 saved. It doesn't feel like we will ever get there. We had half that saved two months ago and now it's gone. Christmas and life just sucked it away. Now that Christmas is out of the way we will be tighten the purse strings so to speak and counting our pennies. Wayne is the big spender so I will have to slap his hands allot.
Wayne is trying to quit chewing so I do give him credit for that. That will save us at least $120 a month plus!
Bailey's health needs to improve still. The poor things allergies are just awful and we blame this house for a big part of that. She is doing breathing treatments allot right now. We just moved her room around to get her bed away from the heat vent and window. Once we move I think her issues will let up. She will be going to an allergist next month. Not much is going on with Killian. He is growing! He gaining weight. Family members want us to think about the growth hormones for him. Yes he is small and I have talked to his Dr. already and at this point it is not a consideration. I don't know that I comfortable with it anyway. Oh he is allergic to milk again! OK so theres more going on with Killian then I thought. At least this milk thing is the milk and not the protein. Milk proteins are much harder to avoid. Poor Killian has pizza everyday at school. Not anymore! So tell me if this is worth keeping going.

How many times again?

I can't say I'm one of those highly cheerful people I know from work. Theres two kind-happy and deal with things (or appear to)well or the other-grumpy, complains, and doesn't deal with anything well at all..yup that's me. Every now and again I can be that first person but I find it very hard. Today is one of those days it is just a pipe dream. This week I had Bailey tested for mold. We found out that she has a high allergy to it. I now have two Dr's saying what we already know and are trying to do-move-. So far we haven't found nothing. This house is slowly killing us. That's what it feels like. In the 3 years we have been here each month gets worse and now I have more proof of that. It feels so awful to be so stuck. I want to try to rent something else and just give up on finding a house to buy. Everything feels so hopeless right now. Part of the other reason I feel so down is that Wayne is always gone working right now. This is the busy season for Wayne and we don't see him very often. When we do he sleeps nearly the whole time which is frustrating. He needs all the sleep he can get and I need help doing things I can't do and need him to do for me. It sucks so bad. I have been lucky in that Wayne's sister and husband have been able to help me for somethings. We would still be freezing had they not come over and yanked out the issue. I hate this house..I have been so down I have thought about taking my kids and going to stay with Vi..that's how bad things are. Mold, housing, health, lack of a partner. God it feels just like being a single mom with no benefits. Yup that's in there too, no sex. This time of year blows. I miss my kitty and hate that I always expect to see her still on my bed at night. I have even reached out to pet her. I hate that. I will never own another cat. Killian said he's getting a kitten for Christmas. I don't think so! So OK let me think of one good thing...hmmmm....no nothins comin to mind....hmmmm. OK I'll make something up..I have a roof over my head. I think that's kinda funny. It's a moldy roof but it's a roof non the less. A roof that is making us all sick but it's better then the homeless shelter...not really what I was lookin for but that's all I got in me...I'm going to bed...and have an awful night cause I can't take anything with Wayne gone and need something to help me sleep...well at least I have a bed to sleep in..right?

forgot

I was sitting on the couch and thought about this and I know that you were wondering about it-What does the surgery mean for Wayne's sleep apnea? Are we in the clear? At this time the answer is leaning towards no. We are at this moment in the same boat we were before. Maybe things are a hair bit better. Wayne is back out on the couch snoring away when he does fall asleep. He never has energy (neither do I really) because he never feels well because he never sleeps. All the same crap as before. We just keep hopping he will wake up each day. We had higher hopes about this surgery but we can't get to out of shape about it, there is still lots of healing time.
We are putting off looking for a home alittle longer in case I haven't mentioned that. Our real state agents 20yr old son passed away about 3 weeks ago. We are waiting for her to feel up to doing what she loves again and by giving her the much needed mourning time she needs-allows us to save more money. very sad :( life should improve right??

It never ends does it?

Wayne's surgery went well. It has been a very painful healing proccess for him unfortunitly. He said yesterday it hasn't seemed worth it because his nose it all plugged again where as of a few days ago after having the stuffing and stints taken out he was able to breathe better. He still has weeks of healing and all the crusts to come out. He still snores and has gotten to sleep in bed three times. Thats more then he has in months. I am not sure I can handle it. I was up early partly because of him and partly because killian thinks he should get up early on the weekends to play. Tomarrow he will sleep in. Man I hate that I wish the kid would just sleep in! I have put Bailey in preschool earlier then I thought I could. I had givin up her spot in the preK class because we didn't think we could afford her going what so ever. Then one day Wayne told me I could. She is unfortuntily in just the preschool class. She will still learn in this class it's just a day shorter and not with her classmates from last year. But she is out of my hair two times a week and likes going to see her friends as she tells me. I have no trouble this year with tears or anything. She goes in and up stairs without me. It's great! Thats about all my news. Not alot today..I guess I will go take a nap before mine and Killian's big mommy son date.

ya it's life

I am going to cram as much as I can in this as fast as I can cause I am tired and know I won't take the time to do this any time soon. So here it is-Wayne went to the ER last Saturday. His feet have been swelling everyday and his chest and one arm have started hurting. So off we went. He spent the night and had all kinds of heart tests done. The Eco came up with a slight heart defect. Nothing that at this time is a big deal and may never be. Wayne will have a stress test done sometime in the near future. In a little more then 2 weeks he will be getting surgery on his nose. We are both really excited for this. I am sure good things will happen because of this for him. We are now looking for a house to BUY! I hate house hunting. It's hard and takes forever. But I found one that I may be interested in. Getting Wayne to be able to see it is another story. It feels pointless to look right now because he is never in town to do a walk through. There are so few houses right now that we can go for (we even upped our price range by 40gs!!). I want this one to work so bad but if it doesn't I know it wasn't meant for us. There will be another somewhere in the future. This isn't the very last house after all! Second grade starts Tuesday for Killian. I am so happy! I hope he will be too. He gets to ride the bus again. He seems to think that's OK. I'm glad cause I really dislike driving him to school. It's just way to crazy! So that's it in a fast nutshell.