My Grammy

I have been awake and tossing and turning all morning. A thought--a feeling has finally hit me, and although it may not be immediate, I don't think it's wrong. I feel that it is almost time for my Grammy to pass on to the other side.

As I lie awake, tears occasionally leaking and taking halting breaths that catch in the back of my throat, I have a picture appear before me. One of my beautiful Grandmother, tall and regal, walking to a group of people. A young boy, not much younger than Fox, runs and jumps into her arms. A tall young man wraps her in a two-armed hug. All while my tall, dark, and handsome Grandfather watches, with a smile of total contentment, happiness and love on his face. I can see others too, those who are there to meet her. Who love her and are so grateful to have her home. And I know that this is where she is meant to be. That we here on this side need and love her, but those on the other need her far more than we do. That they have waited patiently long enough. It's time they have their turn. And that gives me peace.

As I have thought and fought with the thoughts of her moving on, two things have come to my mind. First, I am so grateful, and feel extremely privileged to not only carry Grammy's blood, but to also carry her name. At times I don't feel worthy to do either, but the knowledge that I carry both have changed the way I act, at times. As I have watched her, that knowledge has changed the way I think and the way I treat others. I want to do her justice. I want to be just like her.

The second-- I miss my Grandma. Aging must be the most humbling experience in life. And perhaps we need that, to be extremely humbled, before we move on to meet our God. The last few years have been tough as we have watched pieces of Grammy slip away bit by bit. Her strength has faltered. Where she use to be strong and independent, she is weak and needs help to stand. She no longer walks on her own but is wheeled everywhere she goes. Her mind is like the tide, coming and going. At times she seems almost as the Grandma I remember, with good humor, making jokes and giggling, singing ridiculous songs in a ridiculous voice, telling stories of her life growing up and of those she loves. And at times I wonder where she has gone. A mere shell of the woman I knew. Lost somewhere behind those kind eyes. At those times I miss her the most. And unfortunately, lately the tide seems to be going out far more than it is coming in.

And sometimes I wonder if all of this, all that she is going through, is less to humble her and more to humble me? I have loved being here to be able to help her, even though it has been hard to watch her leave me bit by bit. I feel honored to be able to help her failing body, to hug and kiss her, to talk to her about my life and the life around us, even if that day is one of the days that she doesn't respond. I love her. And although tears still leak, and my breath still catches, I am so grateful to her. For the time that I've been able to be with her. For the example that she has been and is to me. For the heritage she has given me. For the honor I have of carrying her blood and her name.

Heaven

Today my kids came home from school sobbing. Not because any one was cruel or unfair to them, but because today was the last day of school. Liam, who from kindergarten preschool has not been the biggest fan of school, and while he's always gone it hasn't always been happily, was miserable that school was ending.

Tony and I have often discussed (especially after Tony started going back to school) how much the teacher makes a difference. If you enjoy the teacher you will enjoy the class, and ultimately learn more. Liam, Emma and Fox all loved their teachers this year, and it shows.

Liam's teacher was above the mark. With wanting to still become an elementary school teacher, I've talked to many of my friends/family who are teachers and asked them, "With all the politics, paperwork, testing and hoops that you have to jump through is it still worth it?" And the answer I've got most often is a reluctant no. It's not worth the headache and the joy of teaching is being sucked out by government and rules.

Mr. Douglas was different. He never let the headache of all the behind the scenes be shown to the kids. He took each of the kids as his own. He was disappointed in them if they didn't try their best and put in the effort. He was happy with their successes and sad with their sorrows. He was amazing. And Liam drank in that care, expectation and love. He loved Liam and Liam loved him.

Emma's teacher Ms. Beisner and Fox's teacher Mrs. Fisher were also amazing. Being a teacher must be one of the hardest and most rewarding experiences. To grow to love kids for 9 months to the point of where they become your "kids," to work with, laugh with, cry with these kids and then have to let them go. I am ever so grateful.

Grateful that they loved my kids and my kids knew it enough to feel sadness that they wouldn't feel their teacher's love everyday like they had for the last 9 months.

Today is my Grammy Pugh's birthday. As I called her up to wish her a happy birthday she asked me if I was ready to move. Knowing that she has gone through many of the experiences I have I was honest with her and replied no. It's a bittersweet experience to move somewhere. To meet new people, new friends, and to make them your family. Sure they are not blood, but often they become just as dear as those who are. And when you leave and you know that those experiences will never happen again it leaves a sort of hole.

I still have holes in my life from dear friends I have made throughout my life. Friends that I love as family. Friends that at one part of my life made up my whole world. And when I moved on in a different direction that part of my world was no longer complete. And sometimes, when I look back, when I feel back, I feel like a very incomplete sort of person.

And that's how I know about heaven. Nobody really knows what heaven is going to be like, and everyone has their own thoughts and ideas, but for me, what I hope and pray heaven is, is a place where I am a complete person. It's a place where I can be with all of my "family." All of those who make me complete. Where I can think "hey, I'd like to be with this person right now." and I can be. That's what heaven is to me. I'm fine with still having trials, with having to work, and learn, and struggle, as long as I can be with those I love.

And I pray for this heaven for my children also. That all of those who have made a difference in their lives (which are many) can one day be with them again. That is my heaven.

 

Kids Update

I thought I should go through and give a couple of kid updates, along with a few funny things they have done the last little bit. Lets start with Ander

Ander:

Ander is an adorable little ball of I-dont-know-what-I-wantness-so-I'll-just-cry-until-you-figure-out-something-that-pleases-me. He cries a lot. And has since birth. In fact, I think I scared Sierra off from ever having kids because she came and visited the month after he was born and he cried the. entire. time. Not much has changed. No, I jest (sort of). Giving him the benefit of the doubt he has been sick the last 12 years, or since about the middle of winter, and it still isn't gone. No, but really, once he's feeling okay, fed, changed, and full rested he's quite a happy little kid. And then he's the cutest little kid, with the best personality. I catch glimpses of it every day, and greatly anticipate the day when he's older and that becomes more dominant.  

He cut his first tooth in October (Oct 13) and eats stuff now. I was going to say he loves to eat, but that would be a lie. What he likes to/will eat changes almost daily. 

He learned to walk about 4 weeks ago and LOVES to walk and get into everything! He's favorite place is the kitchen. The other day I walked into the kitchen to help Tony with breakfast to find Ander with about 6 piece of bread in a giant bowl. He would carry it around stopping every once in awhile to take a bite out of one of the pieces, then put it back in and go about his way. Tony just looked at me and said, "Ander decided to make his own breakfast." I love to watch him waddle from place to place. 

Ander now says uh-oh, all done (mostly in sign language), ew!, go, dada (still working on mama), and does the right tones for thank you but says something more like ta-ta. 

He really is adorable, and so fun. I think he may just be bored. He Loves to ride in the car. He's still in a rear facing carseat and LOVES to ride in the car and be out and about at places. What kind of kid does that?! I think he's bored. If only this winter would finally be over and he would be done being sick and we'd be able to be out more I think he'd be much happier. 

Fox:

Oh, man, what do I even say about Fox. Fox is the opposite of Ander. He's so wild and crazy that at first its fun, funny and awesome, but then it gets a bit to much and want to stab your eye out because he's so over the top and exhausting. 

But if there's one thing I can say about Fox, it's that he's hilarious. If you can manage to stay present during his nonstop bombardment of talking, jumping, and all over craziness and not zone out he's quite funny. 

Fox quotes--
Fox stepped on a headband and broke it. 
Me: "Did you mean to break it?"
Fox: "No my foot is just strong!"

"Mom, I changed my name to creepy man Fox Jonathan." (said in his batman voice)

Fox: "Do my boots smell like wet dog?"
Me: "Yes"
Fox: "Yeah, because dogs smell wet...when they're in the shower."

"I just like the smell of vinegar! Because it smells like salad."

Recently Fox has become obsessed with burning or freezing thing (often both). We have a space heater under our computer where he "burns" things like his army men, cars, food, ect. I also have found a great assortment of things in my freezer like gummy worms, marshmallows, fruit snacks, yogurt, blueberries, ect. so he can see how they freeze. 

Emma:

Emma is a sweetheart. Every once in awhile she'll get sick of one of her brothers and be a bit mean to them, but for the most part she's just a sweetheart. She is always willing to share with others or play with others or tries to make her family happy. 

A few days ago each of the kids got a treat and Emma got a thing of caramels that she was more than happy to share with all of her family. 

She loves to draw, write and color. I read to the kids at nights (we just finish Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief) and while I read she draws or colors pictures for different people. She often takes them to school to give to her teacher or she'll give them to Tony or I. Not so much her brothers because they usually say a half-hearted, "thanks," and then chuck it on the floor. 

She is a sweetheart, but she is also the messiest kid I know (she didn't get it from me, I promise. I was an extremely clean child growing up...that's a lie). I get frustrated because it seems like every other day she tells me she has no clean pants. I keep trying to tell her she can wear her pants at least 3 times, unless they look dirty or smell, before she needs to throw them down the laundry. She always replied that they are dirty. The other day I got so fed up I went and found her pants to show her that she could wear them again. Sure enough she had finger smears of food, marker, and who knows what else wiped all over each pair. Drives me crazy!! 

Her room is a disaster area (she doesn't get that from me either...). We keep all of our toys downstairs, but somehow her room always manages to be messy. I find wrappers, food, (she's still sneaky, the stinker), papers, clothes, shoes, ect. all the time. Good thing she's so sweet ;)

Liam:

Liam is suddenly become a real person. Slowly losing the childish thinking of Mom-and-Dad-know-everything, and suddenly having opinions of his own. I don't know what to do with that. No. It's fun.

He picks up on a lot of mine and Tony's jokes, which is fun and scary. I have to be more careful about what I say all of a sudden. ;)  He'll laugh about jokes on cartoons and movies that go way over the other kids heads. It's been fun to joke around with him and have him be able to joke back. 

It's been a little bit of a learning curve with him. Because he suddenly has his own opinions he also starts thinking about things I want him to do or ask him to do and asks why or gives me a reason that he shouldn't have to do it. Sometimes with a slight bit of sass. Ah, I guess that's the joys of having a kid grow up, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Luckily it's been mostly fun. 

Yesterday Tony made bacon. Tony drinks a lot of Mountain Dew, so while he was making breakfast he opened a can and started drinking. After breakfast we went about getting ready for the day when I hear Liam gagging and laughing from the other room. Being the stinker that he is he tried to sneak some of Tony's Mountain Dew while no one was looking. Unbeknownst to Liam, Tony had finished the Mountain Dew and filled it with bacon grease. Luckily it had cooled before Liam got a nice big mouthful.

My kids are growing up, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not sure if I'm ready for the next stage of growing up yet. So I guess for now I'll try to enjoy them at this stage, even the small crying one. ;) 

Tonight--Tomorrow

I was angry. Angrier than I had been in a long time. And I should have been able to control the anger. But it kept resurfacing, which made me even more mad.

And the ones who kept getting the brunt of my anger didn't deserve it. Sure, they may have helped get me there, but they were young and unaware of how their actions and words had affected me.

So I shut the world out. I became blind to wrestling, fighting, and mess making. I became deaf to the yells and the questions. The questions that came like waves. Relentless, and always.

I cleaned. I knew that part of the anger was caused by my surroundings; the swarm of "stuff" that laid about like debris after an explosion. It encroached on me, and like cockroaches wriggled its way into my mind and fed on my anger. So I furiously banished it.

When my rage seemed to be extinguished, like I had control, I took my blinders down and focused, ready to finish out my day. But one found my switch, the one I thought I had finally hidden while I cleaned, and flipped it. And I felt the fury return, bubbling up and exploding out of my mouth, like lava, hot and deadly. And though I watched eyes turn wide and crystal, full of tears, I couldn't stop the flow that burned my mouth and their hearts.

The vomiting, angry torrent finally subsided, and I stood, and walked away, because I knew that was all I could do. I could fill the irrational rage still boiling inside of me. So I hid. And I danced.

I danced an overwhelmed, outraged dance. Twisting and rolling. Bouncing and throwing. Like I fought against gravity that threatened to pull me into the monstrous earth and swallow me whole. Trying to exhausted the anger. But it held strong, seeped into every crevasse and hardened so that if I ripped it out all that would be left was an empty hull.

I was defeated. As I gasped for air and my limbs and mind burned from exhaust, I knew I was defeated. So I raised, gave final instructions to eat then go to bed, and locked myself in my room where I could fester with my fury and hope to slowly dissolve it.

Then a knock came at my door and three littles entered. Carrying a plate of food, an I love you balloon, and the book that I had currently been reading. "We made you dinner in bed," they timidly said, not sure if they should smile or cower. And I felt it melt from my core outward. And as it began to seep out my eyes I miserably mumbled, "Thank you. This is very kind." Then they turned and were gone.

I sobbed while I ate. Big heaving, guilty sobs. But at the same time I was grateful, because I knew I had been blessed.

And while I know that I am not now, nor will ever be immuned to that anger which can creep in, at least tonight I can apologize, give hugs and kisses, and try again tomorrow.  

Poems

It's weird how when you have three thousand four hundred and fifty nine kids, like we do...or at least that's how many it feels like, sometimes you forget things that make you, you. I'm not going to lie, the last year or so, I've had my hands so full of crazy kids, that sometimes I've forgotten about me.

It's not that I didn't want to do things for me, it's just that during the day I answers ten trillion questions, clean up the same mess sixty thousand times, all while kissing boo-boos, rocking a screaming child (he's pleasant), and making food. I'm just that awesome.

And sometimes at the end of the day, when I finally have time to myself, all I want to do (can do) is veg and read a book or watch a movie. And that's cool.

But sometimes I wonder, 'What did I use to do? What made me happy?'

And I have lots of things, but one of the thing is writing poems.

I use to write them all the time in high school and junior high. And they make me happy. So I apologize to those who hate to read poems, that occasionally I have a very random poem posted. But it makes me happy. :)

I had some one ask me one time if I wrote one of my posted poems. Yes. All the poems on this blog, unless sited otherwise, and mine. Here's two more, random, and short, make-me-happy poems. And they have no titles. Because that's what all the cool kids are doing these days.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

How wrong have I had this life;
When I thought it was to make jealous or impress
In truth it was only to do my best.
How foolish was I to think that God shared
The feelings of what others thought and cared.

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In the lines,
Between and betwixt,
Is the heart of the author mixed.
If you look so carefully there
You'll find she bore her whole soul to share.

New Year 2015

I haven't been very good at keeping up with my blog the last six, or so, months. I got behind. And now I'm caught up to all of the pictures that I have on my computer, but I have 20 bizzillion on my phone, but the computers starting to have problems, so I don't dare to put them on the computer and take up more space. And worst of all it's made me wait on my blogging. Even though I have a few ideas to blog every week.

 So I figure I can either sit and wait for my computer to magically heal itself so I can catch up (but that's not going to happen, so basically I'd just ignore my blog until I forgot about it), or I can write what I think of, when I think of it, and worry about pictures later.

I've decided on the latter.

I'm a goal setter. I enjoy setting goals, and I really like when I accomplish goals. I'm pretty good at doing short term goals, not so good and doing long term goals. So this year for my New Years resolution, I've decided to do an array of short term goals.

So that I will accomplish them.

And not feel like a failure.

Maybe one day I'll be able to do long term goals.

I have 4 or 5 different goals that always come up when I think of goals, but they are long term goals, in fact, a lot of them are lifetime goals.

Things of who I want to become.

To say my goal for 2015 is "exercise 3 times a week" doesn't work for me. Because that's a goal that isn't just a 2015 goal. It doesn't have an end date. I want to be fit and exercise, well, forever.

My main life goals all fall under these categories
-Exercise/Health
-Relationships-Being a better mother, friend, and spouse
-Spirituality-Reading scriptures, praying, building a stronger testimony
-Personal things I want to do. Mostly creative things, like writing, crafting.

Every time I think about goals I always come back to these, and I probably always will. But I feel like I need to fix and accomplish each area in my life completely, all at the same time. And then I get frazzled and don't complete any of them. So I'm taking it one thing, one month at a time. And January's goal will help with, well all of it.

But don't worry. It's a simple goal.

Well, sort of .

January's goal is- being on the phone less.

More specifically less social media. It's extremely easy for me right now to be on my phone...a lot. It's always with me, and if there is any time that I get bored there's magical places called Facebook and Instagram where I can suddenly live someone else's life...or something. I'm not sure exactly what the draw is, 20 times a day, for me, but I know that I keep looking for satisfaction in my phone, and I keep coming up empty.

I don't want to get out completely. I've lived in 2 different states and 4 different towns in the time that I've had Facebook, and it's one of the ways I have contact with friends from these areas, including my family. So I'm limiting my time (and this sounds ridiculously sad, and mostly it's embarrassing, but it'll help me) to 3 times a day.

15 minutes in the morning
30 minutes at nap time
and 30 minutes after the kids go to bed

That way when that time is up, I'm done. And I'm not picking my phone up every 10 minutes hopelessly waiting for someone or something to entertain me. I'll have to find something else to do, like read the scriptures, pay attention to my kids, get up and move or craft.

 Wow, seriously, this post turned into more of an embarrassing confessional than I meant it to.

And maybe after a month of this limited time I'll get out of the habit and be able to keep the same schedule for the next month. But for right now I'm just taking it one month at a time.

Alrighty January 2015, lets see if I can keep my goal. Wish me luck.

Catch up -- August

So I'm behind in blogging. Like waaaay behind. It's mid November, but I'm going all the way back to August. That's cool, right?

In August we spent one last fun summer day playing in the river and taking a family selfie before...

It was the first day of school! 

Liam and Emma ride the bus this year. They love it! I'm still not sure what I think of it. They leave earlier and get home later, but I don't have to drive anywhere to get them. It's a love/hate relationship. They ride with their friends Daisy and Lily (pictured).

We went to the Des Moines Botanical Garden. It was pretty sweet. 

Bridge in Des Moines

Liam's teacher is in charge of the school garden, so we got free fresh veggies for a month or two. 

Emma lost her first tooth! And then like 6 more in the month after that. She still has a hole where she's waiting for them to come back in.

And here's Ander at the park. Just because he's cute.