Heartbreak for Him

Following Jesus is hard. Not hard as in 'hard' because, well, we live in America. So it's not hard because of persecution, it's just really hard on ones heart.

Four and a half years ago Zach made the decision to follow where God was leading us. It was a huge uproar to where we had seen our life going, HUGE. Live in Kansas, have a house, send our kids to good schools, go to the congregation I had grown up in; all of that was our plan. Well, it changed big time when we felt we weren't where God wanted us to be. We prayed, and we prayed some more, for months. And then the answer came when the Navy accepted Zach and he was sent to bootcamp in Great Lakes.

This plan was completely different, but for some reason it felt calm. I was angry and upset, but knew it was what God wanted us to do so I was at peace with it; my emotions just had to catch up.

There have been moments over the past four years where I have heard, "This is why you're here."  Not a lot, but more than twice. I have seen God using people and churches here to help us grow and mature spiritually. I have seen Him put us in the lives of other people that needed help in different areas of their lives and we have been here to be God's hands here on Earth.

We have prayed the entire time that God put us where we need to be to do the most work for His kingdom here on Earth, but now for the first time I'm experiencing heartbreak when some of the people are having to say goodbye.

We knew what we were "getting into" when Zach joined the Navy and felt that was part of the plan God had for our lives. To be in people's lives but for a time and then move on to be with others. It's still hard though and it still hurts my heart that I have to "give up" people who are now my family.  That I can't be with them forever here on Earth and reap the benefits of their love.

There's a verse in Mark that brings this aspect of being a Christian straight home. 

"When He had gone a little farther, He saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets.  Without delay He called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed Him."  Mark 1: 19-20

Did you hear that? They left their father immediately and followed Jesus.  They knew following Jesus was the most important thing they needed to do. They were called to follow Him not when they were ready but when He called them. At the same time they had to leave their father behind. Don't you think that was emotional? They knew they had to follow Jesus and they didn't care that it might break their hearts.  They still went through the emotions, most likely, but they knew it was God's plan to move when He said move.

Let us all be willing to get our hearts broken following God's plans for our lives here on Earth.  With each break He places our hearts back together looking more and more like Jesus's.  

In Him,

Ashley

New Year, New You?

New year, new you. This is a slogan we hear so often around this time of year, but do you really want a new you??

I most certainly do not want a new me. I don't want to have to start over and learn the lessons that have taken me years to finally understand. I do not want to wipe the slate clean on my life thus far a start fresh. I like the scars I have from the storms I've been through. A better me? Now that's what I want to work on.

Each year we start of with goals that quickly fade because we stop doing the work that it takes to get to the final destination. At the close of this year I want to share my spiritual goals with you and invite you to join in with making similar ones. These aren't my only spiritual goals but I thought they would help someone else know where to start.

The overall goal is to always grow closer to God. But what steps do we take to achieve this goal? One valid step would be to look at the examples He gave us through His inspired word and take from that the way we should be leading our daily lives.

This year I'm looking in Proverbs 31 for my inspiration. I know, I know, go big or go home. But seriously shouldn't we all as women be striving to be like the 'worthy woman'. I know I sure hope to be at least somewhat like this woman described when I reach Heaven's gates.

So let's read what He has to say about this kind of woman.

"An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight.

She is like merchant ships, she brings her food from afar.

She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens.

She considers a field and buys it.

From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She girds herself with strength

And makes her arms strong.

She senses that her gain is good.

Her lamp does not go out at night.

She stretches out her hands to the distaff  and her hands grasp the spindle.

She extends her hand to the poor and stretches out her to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household,

For her household are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for herself, her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them

And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

Strength and dignity are her clothing

And she smiles at the future.

She opens her mouth in wisdom

And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household

And does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and bless her, her husband also and he praises er saying, "Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all." Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
Proverbs 31:10-31

Now, you might be thinking why in the world is it typed out so funny, but I actually did that on purpose. I want each of us to be able to find the different qualities of this woman so we can choose one or two to work on this year.

I find the first quality I want to work on this year in verse 18, "Her lamp does not go out at night." To me this is saying she has planned ahead and if she needs to fire up the lamp during the night because one of the kids is sick then she will be able to because she has enough oil on hand just in case. She doesn't just have the bare minimum, she has a little bit extra just in case so that her family won't be without.

This has always been a struggle for me. We live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes to a few days before paycheck. God has always provide what we've needed so I haven't ever really cared about this fact, but while I was reading this over I thought, you know I should have some oil left just in case something happens. Now does that mean I'm going to stop giving to people, absolutely not but it means I'm going to cut something out  and watch my own spending habits to make sure that I can have a little oil tucked away.

The second trait I want to focus on this year is in verse 26, "she opens her mouth in wisdom."  In the NIV it continues, "and faithful instruction is on her tongue." I want to make sure that what I'm telling others when giving advice or raising my children in general is faithful. Am I following God's plan for us? Am I telling them what God would want me to say? Am I living Him out through my words? I want to make sure that I can match up the words that I'm saying with the faithful instruction He has given us in the Bible.

When reading the passage but the virtuous woman it seems overwhelming. We think there's no way I could ever be half of what this woman is. But if we look at it in chunks and narrow in on specific qualities we actually have a chance at improving ourselves to be more like her.

Read the passage again and think truthfully  with yourself on what areas you are already good at. That doesn't mean you've perfected that quality but you can tell that trait is in you. Then find the traits that you think you could use some help with. Choose one or two of these traits that you need to work on and write them down as your goal for this next year. Focus on these two traits in the next year and becoming that woman over our lifetime won't be so daunting.

Let's work on this together. If you need help thinking of actual steps to reach your goal let me know and I can help you think of some practical ways of becoming better at these specific traits.

God bless you and keep you in this new year.

Ashley

Live Like You're Going Home Tomorrow

I'm going home tomorrow. No, I'm not actually traveling anywhere tomorrow, but I will finally be home.

Since the moment Zach and I met home hasn't been a place it's been a person. As long as we're together we're home. When one of us is missing the equation just doesn't add up right. And it hasn't added up right for either of us since the beginning of March, but every day I've been living like homecoming was tomorrow.

Living like I'm going home tomorrow hasn't been easy, in fact it's been rather exhausting. Doing this has made each day of deployment go by a bit faster though. Doing this made me not give up or give in to my anxieties. Doing this helped me to push myself to get the normal things done even though I'm all alone. Doing this helped me realize how blessed I am to have a husband who is my best friend.

The house has stayed clean, the dishes have stayed washed, the clothes have been cleaned but everything is prefect and it still isn't even though he's coming home.  There is still mail on the desk,  there are still projects in the garage that need to be finished, there are still clothes in the laundry baskets, but still I'm ready to go home tomorrow.

As I was thinking about the past 9 months today, I realized that my living like homecoming is tomorrow parallels with my relationship with God and my eagerness to go to my ultimate home Heaven.

I need to live every day like I'm going home to heaven tomorrow.  How much more good would I do? How many more people would I talk to about Christ? How many more dollars would I give to the poor?  How excited would I be every day if I knew I would be in Heaven the next day?

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelations 21:4

Doesn't that sound amazing?! No more pain, no more crying, no more death. I want to be there so badly and I can't wait to see God face to face. I have felt Him all around me throughout this deployment and there's no way I would have made it if He wasn't there pushing me forward when I needed a nudge.

So, I just ask you, what if you were going home tomorrow?  Are you ready? Is your house in order? Have you been living for Him? Have you been shining your light so that others can see their way in the darkness? Are you living for today and not for 10 years down the road.

Enjoy where you are right now, right here in each and every day. Don't wait to be happy tomorrow. Don't wait to do good for others. Live like tomorrow you will be going home and you will always make it through the day, even if there's some dishes still in the kitchen sink. That's what God's grace is for.

Ashley

Best Day Yet

Oh, today was good, today was great, today was outstanding. 

Nothing huge happened in MY life, but something happened today that my neighbor has been yearning for since the day her husband deployed with Zach's ship; her husband came home. Unharmed, all in one piece, and so very happy to be with her again. I know for a fact that this was the best day she's had so far this year. I know this because it was the best day I've had this year too.

For the last 8 months we've been dealing with the same emotions,  the same worries, the same complications,  the same 'workload' (3 kids), the same anger, the same frustrations,  the same tiredness; but today, today she was set free from all of those things that have been weighing us down this year.

Some might say, aren't you jealous? Don't you want your husband back right now too? And the answer to those questions are no and yes.

It seems like the humanly thing to do is to feel jealous,  but I don't.  I even thought I might when I saw him for the first time, but quite the opposite happened.

I heard her car pull up and I knew she'd been at the airport so I peeked out and there he was getting out of the car. I literally had to sit down because I was so overcome with happiness and relief that he was okay and he was home with her finally after all her sleepless nights. I sat down and started crying, but it wasn't a sad cry it was a relieving cry, a joyous cry. It was like a little ray of sunshine that I haven't seen in 8 months suddenly burst through. My soul literally felt like it got dusted off and I felt happier instantly.

And then later when I was out raking the yard I could hear his little girls screeching with joy, "Daddy!" Oh, it made me smile each time. The joy in their voices was just so amazing and you could just hear how much they love him and how much they have missed him and how excited they were for him to just be in their backyard again. And I thought, "you know this sounds like why I have a rejoicing heart today."

When Zach left I cried out to my Father, I told Him that I knew I couldn't do this on my own. And I rejoiced that I had a Father in my backyard to cry out to. It was me and Him and I knew we could do anything.

Putting my complete 100% trust in God was the best thing I've ever done. I would have never made it this far without Zach, without Him. And because of my trust in Him, He allows me to have joy for others when it seems humanly acceptable to be jealous. God has softened my heart and given me joy daily throughout this year. Through His love and comfort I can rejoice with those who rejoice.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him." Psalm 28:7

My heart greatly rejoiceth not just for myself but for those I love around me. God can set you free from the humanly "normals" that everyone expects. He can give you joy that you yourself don't even understand. Reach out to Him and He will give you a rejoicing heart. Surrender to His will and know the peace that only He can give.

Today was the best day yet and I can't wait for many more joy-filled days this year.

Ashley

P.S.- She does not know that I was 'spying' on her when they pulled up, BUT she is one of my bestest friends so I'm sure she wouldn't mind. 😂😂 :)

School Time Blues

We all have our Facebooks and Instagrams covered with back to school pictures of our friends and family and I love it.  I love seeing the kids excited faces and their eagerness to learn new things.  As a teacher I know this doesn't last all school year but at the beginning of the year the kids are always excited for new adventures.  With all the happiness I see in all these pictures it also brings up fears in my mind.  Am I doing the right thing?

 Some of the pictures are public school pictures, some private school pictures with their cute uniforms, or homeschool pictures.  This is my 3rd year having to make the final decision for my children on what is next for them in their education and it's scary. 

The first year it was an easy decision; send Adasen to all day preschool, nope.  The next year was the hardest.  Should I send Adasen to school or homeschool him?  And we ended up with public schooling, which I loved that decision for last year (although I was a MESS the first week).  And then we have this year, I've decided to keep him in public school because he really loves it. 

When I first saw the school pictures for this year, my mind started racing again.  "I haven't made the right decision."  "I'm not doing the best thing for him."  "I would love to have him home and teach him."  So many different emotions go through  my head and so many doubts.  But I've finally calmed myself down and talked myself through it and I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts to help other parents who might be feeling overwhelmed by if they are doing the right thing or not.

1. It's the best thing. Whatever you choose is going to be the best thing.  As a parent I don't sit back and let my decision run my life.  I can always decide to change my mind and come to a different conclusion.  If what I choose in the beginning is not working then I will change the environment that he is in.  And no matter what the situation we will always make the best of it.

2. I turned out fine.  I know that sounds cliché, but it's the truth for me.  I went to public school growing up and I'm so glad that my mom didn't choose something else for my life.  I loved going to school and meeting all the people I did.  Some of my favorite memories are from school times. 

3. He will learn.  No matter where Adasen is he will learn.  You know why, because I will make sure that he does.  And if he's not flourishing then I will change his surroundings.

4. He will thrive.  One of the things that I hope to instill in my kids is that you can bloom where you're planted. You can be the best you no matter what the circumstance.  If you want to be better then do better.  My kids know that they have to be actively trying to thrive not just sitting back and let bad things happen.  Adasen will learn new ways to get by on his own and he will learn how to thrive in any situation.

5. He will still learn about God. No matter what God is the center of our lives and there is nothing that could ever change that.  Our home will never change because I send him out into the world.  Our home will always be centered around Christ.  We will still sing together, we will still read together, and I will keep living my life for God and Adasen will see my example.

Let's all stop shaming each other.  Let's stop talking badly about others decisions about their families. Stop assuming the worst about people and assume the best.  Once we all do this together and decide we are all together in raising up a new generation then we will all stop second guessing our decisions and just go with it.   Raise your kids your way and roll with it, but never be unwilling to change your decisions.

Ashley

Rocking Deployment Because of My Rock

People often say that they don't know how I do it. Ya know the, taking care of my kids without going crazy while my hubby's away for 9 months thing, a lot of people are amazed because of me. But you know what? It's not me. I'm not doing it. I'm not the one carrying the load.

I was reading Acts the other night and in chapter 4 I thought Peter's defense for his miraculous actions was a perfect explanation for my actions.

"Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them, “Rulers of the people and elders of Israel: If we this day are judged for a good deed done to a helpless man, by what means he has been made well, let it be known to you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead, by Him this man stands here before you whole. This is the ‘stone which was rejected by you builders, which has become the chief cornerstone. Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”  Acts 4:8-12

Peter was defending the healing of a lame man, but I think all of us can take this defense and have it as our explanation to people on how we make it through hard circumstances in our lives. So, here's my defense on how I'm still sane after not having my husband for a long while...

"Let it be known to you all that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth whom God raised from the dead, by Him and Him alone I am making it through deployment. HE is the only reason I can still smile when I wake up in the morning. HE is the only reason I haven't  gone crazy not having my normal circumstances around me. HE will get me through the rest of this year and HE will quiet my soul in my times of stress and anxiety."

Ashley

June Bible Study Day 12

This is our last day and let me just say I've looked forward to the little break from life when I tell my kids, "hold on I'm doing my Bible study." I usually do Bible reading after they go to bed, but I loved how they respected this time each day and maybe they will remember my example when they are older.

Today was, "Give Thanks In Waiting." The scriptures were Romans 8:19-25 and Colossians 3:15-17.  I think verse 17 of Colossians 3 is a great summary of this entire series of lessons. "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."  No matter what our circumstance is at the present time we need to learn to be thankful for each moment that we have.

Giving thanks in waiting is hard, at least for me during this season in my life. My other half and partner in crime is gone and I cannot wait for him to be back home with us sharing in everything that goes on in our family.  I want this time to fly by, but at the same time I don't.  I don't want my babies to be that much older and to have passed so many milestones. I feel like I'm wishing their lives away. I'm learning each day how to find the small things all around me to be thankful for. The small coincidences that add up to a big help, the things I remember just in time before it's too late.  I keep finding some blessings in each and every day. Am I thankful for my husband being away? No. But I can find things that happen each day that I am grateful for? Yes.

Look around and take note of all the things you have to be thankful for. If it doesn't overwhelm you then I suggest you make a list and see the mighty power of God working in your life.

Thank you for all who participated in this study. You all have encouraged me daily, thank you for that.

Much Love,
Ashley