So what?

So, were switching things up in the Harvey Household. I am trying to let go and let my kids be just that, kids. So, I hate the bedtime routine. Not sure why, but it is monotonous and I hate having to get angry to have them finally listen to me and stay in bed. I don't like it most on the days Ryan isn't coming home because it is just a long, drawn out process after a long day. I am just thinking about all the dishes, laundry and things I need to do before bed. So, the other night I wasn't feeling well and said that I wanted to go to bed. Ben says, "Go ahead mom, I got Jake. I will make sure I read him stories, make sure we brush our teeth and say our prayers." Now usually I am sort of the "bedtime Nazi" so I wasn't sure how I felt about this. But I figured I could use the change of routine as much as they could. So, I put Ben in charge. Gave him a time to be in bed, and I took the night off! And he actually did a great job. Way better than me. No yelling, no Jake getting out of bed or being crazy, nothing. He was so proud of himself and of Jake. So was I. I may have to do that more often......

Then today, I see Jake drawing all over himself. Now, we have always said that Jake is our "artist", our "outside the box thinker".  This is how our conversation goes:

MOM: "Jake, what are you doing? You know better than to draw on your body?"

JAKE: "But mom, I look so cool. I am just trying to be a cheetah."

(mom, thinking this over....why can't he color on his body one day? He doesn't try and do it all the time. In fact, what if he wanted to do it once a month....would that be so bad? I only tell him not to do it because my mom told me not to do it, and that is probably because her mom told her not to do it. It's non-toxic. Not something I would want every day. But he doesn't want to do it every day. Just today. The kid wants to be a cheetah......

So, I let him. 

I help him.

And he is happy.

And you know what? So am I.

There, I said it.

I want another baby. I do. Call me crazy (as most times my husband and family) do. (DISCLAIMER: My husband only thinks I'm crazy due to money, or shall I say, lack thereof. He would love to have another one, just when were are more financially set. My feeling? We are only going to get more secure as he progresses like a master like he is doing at his job. That these are are stuggling years, that there's never a "good" time financially to have a baby. And that we have years to buy a house, but only a couple more years till I am willing to have another baby. I am getting up there in age, you know! Boy, that was a long disclaimer.) But I'm not.  Crazy, that is. Not sure you forgot after the crazy long disclaimer. It's just the way I feel and I don't think it will ever change. I think that feeling will go away after #4, I really do. Because I believe 4 is all I have ever wanted and what I can handle, and it is what I am supposed to have. I feel it. I feel something missing. I find myself counting heads sometimes and someone is missing. 

Whether is be a boy or a girl. I don't really care.

 A girl would be awesome, of course. A sweet baby girl to be adored by her big brothers! Love it. But, it would complicate things. No sharing rooms for Christian and said baby girl for very long. Always need a house with an extra room. Instead of 4 kids sharing 2 rooms, we would need at least 3. 

And then there is the issue of brotherhood. Ben and Jake are so close in age and so close to each other. The best of friends. Always 2 years apart in school. And then there is little Christian. 4 years behind Jake in school. 6 from Ben. So, no chance of ever being in school with them. They are so great with him, but will he be close to them? If we had another boy close to his age, we could have another "Ben and Jake" situation, which would be awesome. Not to say that if Christian had a sister close to his age, that he couldn't be close to her, but I'm not sure it would be the same.....

Either way, the argument for having another baby lies in 2 parts. 

1) I don't think I will ever lose this feeling of wanting another one. And I don't mean "baby hungry" like a lot of women say they may always be. I mean, someone's missing. Family wonderful, but incomplete? 

2) Christian could have a buddy. And that makes me happy. Nothing makes me happier than seeing Ben and Jake grow up together and be the best of friends and comrades. Today I heard this,

JAKE: "Why did you just hit me on the head like that?"

BEN: "I wasn't hitting you buddy, I was patting you." (and he really was this time!) 

JAKE: "Why?"

BEN: "Because I love you Jake."

JAKE: "Oh, because I built you such an awesome lego guy?"

Ben: "No Jake, just because you're you."

Serious. No embellishing at all-I swear. I love it. I love my brother and am glad we were close and could experience things together. We covered for each other (which I am totally dreading when my kids start doing that instead of ratting each other out over everything!) We looked out for each other. He was the only person in the world I looked up to, admired and trusted. And I wish I would have had him in HS a little longer with me. Might have kept me out of trouble! Probably not. Maybe I am answering my own questions as I hash this post out. Maybe Christian could have the same bond with his sister, just like my brother and I. But would he feel excluded from his brothers? I don't know. 

All I know is, I want another baby. Not today. Not tomorrow. But the next day. Just kidding! Boy or Girl, it truly wouldn't matter. I would even adopt. I would love to not be pregnant again with my health issues during pregnancy. But, I would probably miss not doing it one more time. Who knows. I would love to not find out what I am having one time. How fun. I would also adopt, no problem.  I don't know. That seems to be the theme of this post. Not knowing. I guess I do that well. 

Well, not sure if any of this even made sense and I'm not going to read it again to see. It came from the heart and I don't want to edit that. 

Kim