*Enter with nothing here, stay pondereading here, and finally leave something here too. ^=^

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

There's a very fine line between picking up a hint from something, and reading too much into something, isn't it? How are we supposed to know whether something done to us or something we see or hear is a cue for a reciprocation on your part? The problem is, if whatever 'sign' is interprated wrongly, it is bound to lead to misunderstandings. Thus, to avoid misunderstandings, people choose to play safe, and ignore, or deny simply to bide time to be 'really sure' before a move is made. But can anyone ever be 'really sure'? To me it's like walking through a maze. We are unsure of whether we should take a certain path and thus we make the worst decision ever: To stay that way. We choose to stand on the junction, pondering, deliberating, but in actual fact procrastinating. We are afraid that the decision we make is wrong so instead of considering the path to choose, we choose to stand there and hope for a certain help that would make it easier to choose, which would never come. After all, only we are in control of our own lives, right? So things never progress, life goes stagnant and who suffers? You yourself.

So here i am, in my own maze, facing my own junction. I know i need to move, but i am still unsure as to which way to move. But, if i am 'really sure', wouldn't that 'choice' not be a 'choice' anymore?

Vexed over the situation. Troubled by my the choice i need to make. Confused as to which to choose, and perplexed over how it all came down to this......

Realised that, as compared to a few years back, i have changed in the way i look, respond and deal with similar situations that i have previously faced in the past. Guess this is what they call growing up. But is my current set of responses acceptable? Or is it correct? That is something i can only answer myself when i see the outcome and from there, i learn again and i believe i would once again change the way i look, respond and deal with the same situations again.

Just have to bear in mind that failure is unavoidable, and that i would only have succeeded from the failure if i learn from it and i would have truly failed if i haven't.

And so, the cycle goes on. =]

Of course, you're going to get your heart broken. And it isn't just going to happen once, but a lot. That's just part of growing up, and it makes you stronger. Then you can handle it better next time. You may not get through it yourself, but your friends will help you through it. And you'll be a stronger person because of it. Then one day someone will come along, and it'll all pay off and no one will ever break your heart again.

Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever.

~Authors unknown

Oh well. =/

I always thought, in my perspective, that friends are people who you relate to, whom you associate with, whom you deem and promise to help if he/ she is in trouble, and to walk through life together enjoying each others company. But i suppose this is only wishful thinking on my part.

I'm sorry if I offended you people yesterday with my belligerent comments. I was in a really bad state of mind. I was confused, sad, irritated, and tired at that point. Here is my explanation.

When i posted that comment on my wall, i understood that it was at the liberty of you guys to actually comment on it. That i fully understand. I believe that trying to dig up whatever i was hiding was all, in the spirit of congeniality, to understand what situation i was in and then try to help me. But as you all could see, i was avoiding the topic of revealing what i had to hide. And have you all ever wondered why was that? As close friends don't you buddies understand that i was avoiding the topic?

To be honest i really want to tell you people. After all i believe i am close enough to you people to be able to just share whatever problems we are facing, and i actually want to share. But after thinking about the possible implications of my own selfish desire to get this off my chest, i decided not to. I decided to wait till a later day, for the correct time when everything is settled before i apologise and tell you people why i did not want to tell you now. I thought you guys understood.

I was wrong. My intentions were misunderstood by some of you and you presumed that i avoided the topic due to other reasons, that i wasn't experiencing enough popularity on facebook and i needed the attention. Honestly, if it was someone else who i haven't talked to online or not close i would have ignored the comment. But it was you. Someone whom i do hang out with often, someone whom i interact with alot, someone whom in my perspective again, considered as a close friend. But you just posted that insensitive comment and what did that show? That you did not understand. Of all people, you, one my closest friends, did not understand and instead made that comment. I tried to ignore it but if i did wouldn't that prove you right? And i was also angry then so i posted that offensive comment in return. But after waking up the next morning did i realise that doing so would not really help at all.

So here is my full explanation as to why i posted that comment that offended some of you on fb early this morning. I admit it was my impulsive decision to reply in that manner and i hope you guys understand. I will tell you when i can, but now is not the time.

Nicholas is so childish.

Many a time, you see, you hear, you experience something, something that makes you sad. Something which you, in every way try to discard from your mind, to attempt to forget but it makes you so sad that it just keeps staying there, unforgettable like a pestilence. Most of the time, you keep it to yourself, trying desperately to deal with it alone all the way putting up a wall of smiles and an 'I-am-alright-don't-worry-ness'.

But ever so rarely, there would be something so painful, so hurting, that you just cannot show a smile anymore. Your emotions attempt to burst forth like a filled balloon, needing release. But you desperately hold it in, and after a while, the smile that you displayed, the I-am-alright-ness starts to wane in the face of your problem and it begins to show. You look sad. Your smile fades to nothing. You just don't know what to do anymore. You show your sadness in bits, still trying to hide most of it in the hope that, like a balloon with a tiny hole, the air slowly releases and everything would be alright again. But every single time, it never happens and you start to trudge back at the end of the day, sad, disappointed and angry with no one else but yourself for being unable, for being incapable of expressing your thoughts, for being defeated by just a simple emotion, and for not being able to deal with the problem. By now you just feel so lost, so weak that you cannot deal with what we usually call 'emo-ness'.

And this is where a good friend comes in. He comes along, not knowing you are sad and cracks a joke with you. That is when you realise that actually, you are not alone. You play along, laugh and that's where you feel better. Soon you throw your problem aside for that period of time, and life seems good. You have fun, you talk, you laugh and soon, time passes quickly when you enjoy it and soon it is time to leave, bringing you back to where you were before.

Nicholas is so childish.

The one thing I am proudest of in my whole life, is that you're happy with me. If I couldn't, if I couldn't tell you that I was unhappy sometimes, is because I didn't want to risk hurting the one person I treasure most. I'm so sorry.

I suppose in my case, this works for everyone i treasure.

2 more days and i would get to see my pink ic again. 2 more days to freedom. 2 more days to weekday activities of my own. And it was all spoilt by myself.

As a matter of fact i sprained my ankle today whilst playing basketball in camp. Damn did it hurt. This may sound very amateur for most of you people but truth to be told this is the very first sprain i had ever encountered in my entire 21 years of existence. So not knowing what exactly a sprain feels like, i assumed the aching of my ankle to be a minor injury and i did the worst thing you could ever do to a sprained ankle: Play more bball.

So there was i playing for anoterh 2 hours straight and when i decided to go take a shower, OOUUUCH was what came up my head. The pain just got worse with each passing step and i actually had to wear boots later on. I only managed to see this sinseh who enriched my life experience by showing me what pain was. And i have to go back for further treatment on monday. What a nice way to celebrate ORD.

But i think i can still go out for casual outings and stuff just not allowed or should i say not able to engage in vigorous sports ( that means cycling too T_T ). Starting to worry about the events that i would be taking part in during the march period. Hope to recover soon!

Yeap its reaching the end of 2009 already so, before things come to a close this year and things change once again when 2010 comes, a standard short reflection should be done.

First and foremost, the thing that i have been a part of for almost 2years already: NS. I can't say the army was completely such a bad thing after all, after looking back at everything i have done, learnt and achieved while serving my duty to the country. I learnt the mechanics of my vehicle to what i can say is the best of my abilities, i got much fitter than i ever could have achieved alone (with an IPPT gold and the second one coming), i witnessed the types of people and the changes in people in many different situations, some expected and some to my definite surprise. I learnt to change and react to situations i have never faced, i've done things i could never have done if i never served, such as taking a military plane, to being out in the forest for many days and nights, trekking for days non-stop, to being an ambassador of the army open house. All these events and happenings, though occuring in a part of my life that i would rather not be put into my life schedule in the first place, suddenly occurs to me that this could actually be one chunk in my life that i would appreciate going through, for it's where i was made that bit more mature. Isn't that how things are done? As said by my csm: Even though you may not like to do this, or you absolutely loathe doing this, why not just go through it and, who know? You might just learn something from it you would never have expected. That's what motivated me through many parts of my army life.

Next would be my life routine. It has definitely changed. I used to be the guy that spends time and money like it was granted to me, as if i deserved every bit and morsel of it because i was living. Somehow it has dawned on me that no one owes me anything, no one owes me a living or any part of their life. Now i earn my own keep, whether its my NS salary or by teaching skating. And i have become more proactive in treasuring my own time, like taking the initiative to organise gatherings, to catch up with people, instead of just sitting at home all the time. I also made myself participate in more challenging sports activities, such as going for long distance runs, cycling, skating, etc. It has made me learn more about myself in terms of the mind and finding my way around defeating my mental limits, which i feel a great sense of satisfaction for. Many others say i'm crazy but i always ask them or tell them in return: If not now, then when? I don't see a nicky during old age looking back at life when he was young and regretting not going for such events.

That brings me to me as a person. I believe i have changed as compared to the past. People see less or almost none of the emo side of me already, as i realised that emo-ing definitely does not serve any purpose and aid to the situation causing it and to any part of life. It's either you do something about it, or you don't. It's that simple. It's like you dropped your handphone on the floor. You do not sit there or walk away moping away at the fact that your phone is spoilt, you just pick it up and walk away. Moping does not bring angels from the sky to your aid. Rewards come to people that face reality, notice the obstacles and try their hardest to overcome them and not those who sit beside the obstacle, not moving and hoping for the best. That's something in me that i'm sure has changed.

So while looking forward to the new year, here are the things that i wanted to achieve in 2009 and managed to achieve:

1. Get my driving license before the end of this year.
2. Be a skate instructor.
3. Get IPPT gold.
4. Take part in marathons and events.

Many i forgot already but these are the few i remember.

And heres a short but not definite list of things i would want to achieve in 2010:

1. Take part in more marathons and events, such as duathlons etc.
2. Earn my own keep even without NS pay.
3. Stay positive.
4. Keep up the active momentum.
5. Study hard and stay smart.
7. Try new things as much i can, as often as i can. *IMPT*
6. D_____. Think i will keep this to myself first. Not confirm yet. =p

Spent 1x memorable christmas in a top secret place in singapore. Why? To protect the country from harm. So that was how i spent christmas.

Gathered everyone one day earlier for the suggested steamboat outing with quite an impressive attendance of er, 9? Lets see: Me rae&bf shu dt soedy sy ch ken. Met dt soedy and shu earlier to find a present for my niece at suntec before walking back to bugis to find the rest. Most were late and we took very very long to decide what we wanted to eat before finally deciding on what the gathering was initially planned for, which is the steamboat.

Oh and before i talk about the steamboat i got to first thank dt + whoever else for that belated prezzie. Thx! =D

Back to the steamboat, the place was, frankly speaking unhygienic with dirty bowls and plates that were placed for us to use, as if they just dipped it in water and wiped it hastily with a cloth and used again. Some bowls were even brownish on the inside la. But to make up for it the food was quite good with free flow drinks and the standard steamboat stuff.

So we ate for really really long, then went to look for a lan shop at paradiz area. It was as if boxing day became LAN-ing day. Does boxing mean LAN-ing in the modern sense? I was sure we visited at least 10 lan shops in that area and all of them, yes all of them were FULL. Took totally by surprise, we decided to retreat to dhoby ghaut mrt to the arcade for abit where the standard daytona-bball-shooting games were played. Poor dt could not find his currently favourite and trained for game, namely SF4 to hone his skills so he settled on other games which did not quite function his way too. Then it got too warm and boring so we went to get some air, talked abit and we parted.

This was conclusively a nice day with another gathering in such a short period of time since the last one. Too bad nat jud and the rest could not make it.

Need to go pasir ris tomorrow to find skates. zZzz.

Next up: Chalet, anyone? At downtown east sunbird circle resort? =p

-There are good days, and there are rainy days. But if don't have an umbrella, just enjoy the rain! =D ~By 'i forgot'

Has anyone ever pondered about the meaning of your own existence?

Like, the existence of everything in this universe, the miracle that you are here looking through the eyes of what is called a human being interacting with others. Why am i not looking through the eyes of someone else and living another persons life? The fact that we sprouted from a no consciousness to consciousness, and growing up in a world that may or may not exist. Has anyone questioned that? Questioned the reason why we are here, why we are in this very place, why are you going out with other people called friends and family, why are you in this very being this very existence? Isn't it a huge question why and how everything comes into play? We could well be another coincidence in a place or thing and we do not think about it as we are just so busy living in this thing we define as life which is like a dream.

What if this is just all a dream, a very very real dream that we experience sometimes when we get to sleep and that the moment we die is the moment we wake up from this dream of each and everyone of us?

And sleeping leads to me asking about death. What is it like? Sleeping itself is temporary death i suppose. The feeling of nothingness, the state where you don't think, feel, or in that aspect have no consciousness at all. Isn't death just a permanent version of that? And waking up just means that your time hasn't come and you are granted another day of life. What would it be like if you know that your time has come and the next nap you are taking would last forever? Would you try really hard not to sleep?

Maybe this is where religion comes in. Religion provides, or attempts to provide answers to such questions that i, or maybe many more of me have asked. It expels the fear from the mind about the horrors of death and deposit these fears into a higher being that we believe in that would solve these problems, like saying death is just a stepping stone into the next step which some call the release of the soul from the body or the transcendence into a paradise called heaven. And who knows if anything is true? What if this is all just a facade, a lie, a story so well cooked up to all of us, like answering a child why cant he have a lollipop when he wants it? Where are all the answers? Are they really answered in references such as the bible, the scriptures, the qur-an, and what not? After all, the content of such references are deemed to be from the higher beings, a message, a guide but at the end of the day, who translates them? Who prints them and spreads the word? Its us again. We fear that we are alone, so alone from the moment our life germinated to the moment in death and we rely on a series of explanations to life and death and we call this reliance faith and relygion.

20 years have already passed here. In the blink of an eye. How many more of such 20 years do i, or do we actually have? Looking back i have not really done much justice to myself in terms of living except screwing things up. And this would actually remind me, that this one chance in life that i have is the ONLY chance that i have and i have to do what i want, achieve what i want for time will not forgive me for screwing up as evident in the past few years of this existence of Nicholas.

What's running through my head about this topic is more complex than my mind can put to words but i have just attempted to do so as it really bugs me like a bee in my head. I know i may have committed blasphemy in many areas of this post but i really am wondering with no offense to any party or person. I just want to put it all out and vent this somewhere. May i not go to this possible place we call hell because of this post.

**********************************************************************************

Kind of understand why people, regardless of living or dead leave these set of words to us:

LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST.

~~

Yeah that kinda summarises the current week i had.

Basically, i had leave on thursday and friday so i took the time to take more driving lessons since i still wasn really confident of the new car i am driving under the new instructor right now. So i was chionging lessons everyday until sunday. So far so good, maybe i can book a test date soon.

Then next thing was cycling. Cycled to dT's house on thursday, but it rained so we ended up just playing the computer at his house till i had to leave. Really unlucky man. Just had to rain when i was making my way to his house. And it wasn the kind of torrential rain where stopping was imminent. It was the kind of drizzle that makes you think 'hey i think i can just go through this' and you just go on and halfway through u just get soaked as the droplets accumulate and accumulate. Haha but i still made it to simei road sunbird circle.Ya. Maybe try our luck at cycling tomorrow again? Planning still in progress i suppose.

Then it was skating on saturday, or today. Being one of the busiest days this week so far, i went cycled to somewhere to skate in the morning, met dT on his bike for lunch around my house, then slacked around my com this time for abit before rushing for yet another driving lesson. Then after that, rushed again to town to shop for new clothes since i was getting tired of wearing the same old clothes for 10 months and i could not wait for new year. Spent quite abit, a record in my current clothing expenditure in a single day, then went off to meet dT CH and ken and supposedly CL but i missed him. Had dinner with the guys, and then came back home where i am blogging now. Whew.

Whats in it for me tomorrow? Tangibly, i have another driving lesson, cycling, and unfortunately, booking into camp. I will be MIA for 10 days from the 16th-25th nov if you happen to know what i am doing. Its 'top secret' =p

And finally, to Rachael Lim SW:

WELCOME BACK! WE MISSED YOU! CYA SOON!!! =]

it really makes me wonder: How do people always say they can make it for an event, and even after many confirmations they say yes, and at teh very last minute, the very very last minute they just casually drop you an sms and say: Sorry i cannot make it. REALLY SORRY.

This happened not just once but many times before and it had set me thinking as to whether these people feel sincere about that apology at all since it was just an sms and not even a phone call. I mean sms-es are the best way to sound perfect without revealing your true emotions and reactions through any visible body language, like speaking through a screen. right? This gets me really angry as they just do not appreciate the fact that the person went through all the trouble to ask everybody and confirm once again with all of these people that they can come. Sucks man.

Anyway, tried cutting my hair at a different place than the usual one. Was actually an intro from ken. Not a bad place and i was quite ok with how my hair was dealt with. Would be going there again of course.

Then wanted to go dT's home but sadly he was really busy with his stuff so i ended up hanging about at home and doing nothing much exactly. And i suppose i would be installing my windows 7 next week too.

Ok thats all for one of the least eventful weekends so far. Till next week.

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, a day or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else would take its place. If i quit, however, it lasts forver. That surrender, that smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself: which would i rather live with? ~Lance armstrong

Which would WE rather live with? =1

Yeah thats what i did at the nike human race today. Run. And never look back. To the extent that i did not know dT was running behind me all along the race. So yeah maybe you should have called me dT? So i would have known you were behind me and we could have possibly ran together. Haha

Regarding the race, met CH first at like 0600 in the morning, Ed:then met CL soon after and then waited for dT and ken who decided to be late and come the M-cube way(by train) instead. So they came at about 7. Yep.

Then it was the race part. It was crowded. Really crowded. Insanely crowded. Chaotic-ally crowded. And the list goes on but in one word: FROWDED. The start line was packed all the way back for like, 100 metres? So we decided to skip the official flag off, go toilet and then do some stretching.

And then we went. Everyone was like sick or half sick so the run wasn very well done. But i was quite unhappy at the start of the race, as everyone was an inconsiderate runner. People strolled on the right side of the lane, people jogged REALLY slowly(not saying im fast. its really slow) ALONGSIDE each other till they almost block out the whole lane, then there are those who just don't know what they are doing also la. So i was quite pissed because i had to jostle and bump into so many people that i ended up running in a zig-zag fashion instead of straight.

Finally reaching a point where everyone else was running the same pace as me, there was lotsa space for everyone so i felt better then. By then it was 7k plus so it was just another 3k before it all ended. Took the apparently nicer finisher thingy, some free gifts before chilling at some corner while waiting.

All in all it was an ok race, with the resentment lying in areas such as the bad route (very narrow at many places), and some inconsiderate participants. Other than that, it was something nice to take part in and talk about.

Oh well thats all. Another string of events coming ahead so i guess im getting a bite of sleep first! =]

Yeah man my second round island, or let's put it as semi-round island as we stopped halfway. Met ken soedy and dT to collect race pack last night (got my bike bottle free =p ), then played games with each other till quite late then a few hours later dt came over to the Hougang side first, then we cycled to Upp thomson, cycled to my camp then dT's camp, then all the way back to kallang and then ECP, where we had to split ways due to time constraints.

Not a first for a such a larger scale ride, but there definitely was a first today. Really. Mr dT, the legendary guy who always suan me for being Mr__________, had his very own __________ today. Haha for further details, please refer to the-random-crapper for details if he chooses to elaborate on them haha. =p

On the running side, Nike run's next sunday! Consider myself lucky for not taking part in the salomon trail run this year for it happens to be on this morning and i do not think i really want to get my white and blue shoes to become brown and blue again like the first time i went. Not going for the new balance real run too. No $$$ le.

I can say that so far my weekends have been well spent, with events, gatherings and other things occupying my weekends to ensure that i feel really spent at the end of every weekend not from playing the computer, but from doing other stuff.

Everyone is ORD-ing soon! Damn mine is another few months more!!! To think the last time i was laughing at them for having no hair during last years CNY and now they can laugh at me back for getting out of the Lee's hands earlier than me. Oh well few more events and voila! Haha.

And one more thing people! Take part in the OCBC cycle singapore run! It's next year March, cycling events ranging from 20 to 40km. =]
Details: OCBC Cycle S'pore

Gotta go my gran's now. tata! =]

The person who made this, i gotta say is really smart.
That's all for now got to sleep for one busy day later on! =]

Alright so it is another off day of nicky's spent in the wonderful world of non camp singapore!

Went to pasir ris with my mum to collect my bike, which i plead guilty to leaving in the resort bunk, i mean, room that night. My mum checked out, though we kinda did not really check out, cos shortly after putting the key at the counter, we bought Mcvalue lunch and went back to the room which we left unlocked to eat. Then this guy came in, about an hour later and kinda caught us. Haha my mum kan-chionged and we left.

Then it was cycling. Went to the bike shop at Upp east coast (almost got lost) to pump my long due deflated tyre, then went around to Tj for a break. Saw a few people, then home and here i am.

Now im kinda pondering about what to do tomorrow. Cycle? And there still is the late noon-evening activities. Need to get the 05guys out again due to a certain special occassion for those who know haha.

zZz but where is the $$$............

Hello this is the new temporary blog skin which i have changed, or lets say i replaced the blog skin with one I used previously. Just could not find a blog skin that was nice and bright. They either don't suit me, have errors, or are just out there waiting. So yeah till i find a new blog skin or i finally learn how to create my own web page.

So how am i now? Hmm i got a new bike, almst exactly the same as dt, reason being it is now really different due to the *ahem* incident recently, for those who know what im saying. And well, have been keeping myself fit thanks to my workplace, and have also been taking part in runs around and stuff. Most probably moving on to possibly a triathlon or a duathlon next year. haha think i abit crazy with the sudden running and event hype. STAN CHART! =]

Have been reading lance armstrong's autobiography recently. Really inspird by him xia... All the things he did on his bike, and yes he also had many accidents before, including a car accident. So is Tour De France possible? Haha doubt it.

Ok lunch. Now.