When Panic Attacks

I was watching a video today on the Mormon Channel in the "His Grace" series. It was on a Mom who experienced Postpardum Anxiety and OCD. It really touched my heart as I have gone through anxiety myself. There are times in my life where I still feel weighed down by it all. I was diagnosed with GAD in 2011.
Just over a year after Malia was born I started having pretty severe headaches and vertigo. After a CT scan they found something and later after an MRI they found that I had a cyst.  The first Neurologist/Neurosurgeon I went to didn't have any good information to give me on the cyst in my brain which was the size of a golf ball as he focused more on the spine. I had no solace after seeing him, I would say I had more worry. I was finally able to see a Neurosurgeon who specialized in arachnoid cysts, what a relief. Although the name alone was enough to scare me he assured me that most of these cysts are in the person since birth. My headaches and vertigo had subsided so unless they came back and continued there was no need to worry.
However in the time I had between the first and second doctors I had a major anxiety attack. It was in the middle of all the worry about my cyst and peaked on Halloween of 2010. My oldest child was deathly afraid of anything Halloween and everything that went along with it. He wouldn't even dress up; his costumes had to look like regular clothes. He was having night terrors and I had be very careful when going out and about to make sure I didn't pass anything scary. On top of that my daughter had a seizure. I had gone through this before when Dylon had a febrile seizure at 13 months old but having my second child go through the same thing was a bit nerve racking.
My first big anxiety/panic attack had me worried beyond belief. I didn't know what was going on with me. My arms and head felt funny, I couldn't sleep and it was hard to breath. I seriously just worried and had crazy thoughts going through my head. Things that I knew made no sense and were ridiculous but my brain was not categorizing them as unimportant. I was out of bed and pacing in the back yard before I knew it. I had to get rid of the energy that was going through me. My husband woke up and was getting ready to go to school when I told him I couldn't be alone. I didn't know what was going on with me but I didn't feel comfortable or safe staying home alone with the kids. I went to the doctor that day and told him what was going on and all he did was push pills my way or that is how it felt. He gave no explanation of what was going on with me. I wanted to know what was going on with me! After many nights of not being able to sleep and googling my symptoms I finally found something that I could resonate with. I was experiencing ANXIETY and I had a PANIC ATTACK. It did give some relief knowing there was a name to what I was feeling. At this point my father had flown in to be there with me and the kids since Dwayne really couldn't miss school. Although I now had a name to what I was feeling it didn't go away right away. I had dropped weight quickly in a 2 month period, I was never hungry but I would eat small amounts because I knew my body needed nourishment. I remember shortly after my dad had flown down we had gone to the store for groceries. He said he was going to hurry and grab something and come right back. I thought I would be fine but I froze in the isle, I couldn't move. Luckily I was able to talk myself down and I was able to get out of that isle to find my dad.
I had ordered a program which helped tremendously with helping me put the pieces back together. It was a SLOW process and somedays I still feel the anxiety. I was also able to find an amazing Psychiatrist who helped me understand more about my anxiety. I was diagnosed with GAD, generalized anxiety disorder.
I had received many blessings in the beginning and I did find comfort in them. I was blessed at one time that I would be made whole again. Wow, well, I experienced it now it was time to be healed. Not so fast...I have learned as many have that healing doesn't happen on our timing. It may not even happen the way we expect it to happen. In the video I linked up above she mentions that time heals, it does. Now 8 years past my initial attack it is very distant, time has healed some of that. The work I put into it cognitively with bookwork, reading, and many different kinds of therapy has helped too. I would say that studying the scriptures and putting my faith in God has been the biggest key factor. Understanding that I'm not alone and learning more about the Atonement. Yes Jesus Christ suffered and died for us, but not only did he feel the pains of our sins, he felt the pains of our loneliness, our fears, our anxieties, depression, inadequacies and so much more. He was willing to come down to this earth and suffer for each and everyone of us. He loved us that much!!
For over 8 years I have wanted to blog about this and have started and erased many different posts. The fear of being vulnerable, not wanting others to see my flaws. I had felt at times very inspired that I needed to share this message and have neglected to act on the promptings and I feel much regret for not heeding to those promptings sooner. If for nothing else but for me, for my continued healing process.
Because we are living in a time with so much mental anguish my desire is for others to know they are not alone. There is hope beyond the suffering and so many people out there who are willing to help you along the way.

Sheriff Dylon & The Outlaw Dad

It's been a while since we've posted anything.

Here is a little teaser of what is possibly to come in the future!

This was our Saturday morning activity :)

Family Photos

While we were in Utah we were lucky enough to have our family photos taken by a good friend of mine, she owns Silverscape Photography. I thought she did an awesome job, here are a few of the ones we loved.

Malia was on the move the whole time, it was hard to keep her down to get a shot of her and Dylon together. She is trying to squirm her way out of his grip in both of these shots, but of course they are still adorable!

13 months and counting...

Our baby girl is now over 1 year old! She is just about walking, says mama, dada, hi, Jesus (dsus), and will mimic other words and some animal sounds as well if she hears us say them or hears an animal. She LOVES the outdoors and her big brother. I'm already seeing the "girl" in her; she is quite dramatic for a one year old. She is going to be a dancer, every time she hears any kind of music she moves to the beat. She loves to climb on things and then cries when she can't get down or just falls and then cries. Either way there is a cry for help. (she is on a chair as we speak!) Hates getting dressed (which I'm sure will change in the next few years where she will want to change her clothes every hour). She only has two teeth, yes, two! She loves to laugh and if you are laughing she'll belt out a belly laugh that makes you laugh even more.

Malia wasn't too sure about the cake but once she go the hang of it she loved it. Gifts were the same way, Dylon had to help her with that one. (Her gifts have now been claimed by her brother who has now given her back her Christmas gifts. So I assume she will get her birthday gifts back the next Christmas! lol)

While we were in Utah this summer we were able to celebrate with the Christensen side. Her cousins and brother helped her blow out the candles. More of the Utah visit to come! (click on images for larger view)