Triathlon Times

My mind is exploding with ideas and things that I want to communicate. I don't know where to start. My last post was in May and let's face it, it was depressing :) It's now October and there have been a lot of changes in my life over the past 5 months.

However, I must fight the urge to make this the catch all entry because this is "The Flicted Friend" and I want this space to remain more or less my space to reflect and learn and share poignant life lessons learned. So for now, here's a bit of what I've learned over the past 5 months and I'm calling it "Triathlon Times."

In May, I decided to train and participate in an Olympic distance a triathlon. Many of you are now asking yourself (and me) WHY? Well, for a lot of reasons, some of which I am still figuring out but mostly it's about healing after a great loss and gaining

control of my life in an otherwise chaotic world.

I chose to do this great thing with Team in Training, a fund raising and training program for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. TNT offers athletes a four-month comprehensive training program under the guidance of qualified coaches and in return, each athlete raises funds used in the fight against blood cancers. Blood cancer is what took my friend Roger Miller from this life and an endurance sport (rock climbing) is what took my friend Shelley. They died in the same week of November 2005 and in celebration of their lives, I chose to do something that I never thought I could to honor their great lives and to find some peace and solace from the loss.

Participating in a triathlon is a celebration of human spirit, physical ability and mental endurance. For me, it was also celebration of life!

We begun the process in early May. A training schedule was outlined and the weeks began to fly by. Daily training was necessary. If I wasn't running, I was biking or swimming and some days I was doing all three. So many times, I wanted to quit but after a few months, I had raised quite a bit of money towards the cause and not only did I need to finish for me, now I had an incredible support group of donors and friends that were cheering me on.

And then, like lightning, the summer was over and I was on a plane to Orlando, FL to compete in the Walt Disney World Triathlon. It was amazing and a moment that will most likely get better as I get older and all of my memories fade from good to better :) In all my life, I have to say that was my peak of fitness. I wasn't the fastest in the race but I was the fastest that I had ever been. I finished the one-mile swim when I thought I would surely drown. I rode the 25 miles on my bike with ease and enjoyment. I finished the 6 mile run upright, sprinting and could have gone at least another mile :)

My heart was so full in that moment, I don't know if I will ever be able to put words to it.

In moments of my own personal despair, Roger Miller had counseled me, "Anywhere worth going is always uphill." He was right.


Now, I know that without a doubt, along with a few other key points. I humbly submit these things that I learned in my journey and hope that they somehow make sense and reflect in some small way what I've begun to understand about my own purpose and the importance of embracing that purpose.

- Forest Gump was wrong. Life is not like a box of chocolates, life is like a triathlon, you never know if you are going to survive.

- A meaningful purpose pushes you beyond your perceived personal limits. When it's not about you, you can do so much more.

- Chaffing is going to happen, do what you can to prevent it but in the end, you will need to just accept it.

- Drowning is not an option. Neither is crashing or quitting.

- When you crawl out of the water, you still have to bike and when you get off your bike, you still have to run.

- There are always people in front and behind you in the progression of things. They aren't your competition, you are. Your place in the progression isn't as important as your progression.

- Even if you are last, at least you finished.

- Milestones are only markers, not finish lines.

- Sometimes water stations are really far apart, unbearably far apart!

- You can't control the weather.

- Transitions are hard. You want to stop but you know you have to keep going.

- Fans are the best invention ever. No matter how tired you are, encouragement along the way always helps.



- There is nothing like the finish line. It's worth it, every time. This point is the one that I hope you will take with you for now and always. I might be naive and silly about lots of things but I know about finish lines and trust me, it's worth it. If you haven't already, find a finish line and do whatever it takes to cross it. You will be amazed what it does for your heart and soul.

Love Wells

Loving someone is like digging a well. Day by day and moment by moment, I move the earth in my heart and soul, allowing a little more of me to be exposed every time. The more earth I move, the deeper love goes. Like all wells, the purpose in digging it is to eventually draw water, one of the basic needs for my very survival. Love is no different. I dig into my soul with the hope of eventually drawing love that will hopefully fill a basic need in my life.

Sadly, sometimes there is no water to be found, no matter how deep I dig. For whatever reason the expectation is not met and I am left severely wanting. Sometimes, I have continued to dig in hopes that eventually, I’ll find something that will satisfy my need. Unfortunately, no water is ever found and there remains a deep and painful cavern in my soul.

In my experience with digging love wells, there are a few ways to deal with these holes in my soul.

The first and easiest way is to cover it up. Put some boards or aluminum siding, maybe even some brush to disguise the gaping hole. These methods include lying to myself about how I really feel and lying to those around me about how things are great. Some folks try drugs and alcohol or other self damaging behaviors. I’ve taken up new hobbies and other things to cover up the hole. Those things work momentarily and have led to new friends and opportunities but the hole remains deep and dangerous.

The worst thing I’ve ever done in trying to cover up one well, is to start digging another. The saying about needing something like you need another hole in your head has all kinds of new meaning to me.

The problem with wells that are merely covered up is that I can easily fall into them if I'm not always careful. Falls like that are liable to kill me or at least maim me for life. Falls into love are no different. The fact remains that no mater how I fall into the hole, either by accident or head first on purpose, there will be just as much water there at the bottom of that well as there was when I tried to cover it up the first time – none.

No, empty love wells in my soul that are merely covered up are never a good idea.

The second way to deal with holes in my soul is to fill them in with all the dirt I excavated in the first place. It’s a painstaking process that takes a long time and so much effort. Grain by gritty grain, I have to take every moment the I ever had with that person and and relive it and then say, “no more.” Slowly but surely, I fill in that well like it was never there and my soul is hidden, once again, safe and protected. I can walk over that well like it had never been there. Heck, I can even dance and sing right over it as if I had never made the effort to love.

But the fact remains that I did try and I did love and no matter what, souls should be different once they have loved deeply, no matter the outcome. Once I fill in a well in my soul, the chances of me digging again become smaller. In fact, once I’ve spent the time and energy to dig and fill time after time, there will come a moment when my soul will be so hard because of all the packed dirt, I am likely to never be able to dig again and definitely not as deep.

No, empty love wells in my soul that are filled in are not a good idea either.

Some perplexing question arise in my mind and heart right about now, especially since it’s late at night and my eyes are puffy because I can’t figure out what to do with these empty wells in my soul. How do I go on with a bunch of useless holes in my soul? What about all I gave? Shouldn’t I at least try to fill them in and cover them up so everyone won’t be able to see how damaged my heart is? I could go on and on with those questions, and believe me, I have.

But to what avail?

Self pity and loathing are no more the vehicles to peace in this case then they have been at any other time.

So what then?

My only answer is this: empty love wells in my soul should never be empty in the first place.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” (1 Jn. 4:18)

Even if at the bottom of the deepest love well I ever dug, I find that (for whatever reason) the love I had hoped for from the other person doesn’t exist or is different in any other way than I expected, if I loved without fear, that well should still be filled with love: the perfect love that God has for me and that other person.

In loving others the way that God loves us, without bounds or pride, I make room in my soul to feel His love for me. And in the end, if my soul is full of deep love wells full of perfect love from God, how can I ever be thirsty again?