heyhey
LTNS.

anw.
the last time i worked was last thurs n fri.
man, this months pay is gonna suck.
boo.
funny stuff happened at work tho.
like, "L" lookalike was trying to show me how to screw off a bottle cap with his feet and banana wanted to throw him off balance? but she ended up making him accidentally kick the beer barrel.
might i mention, the beer barrel is METAL. and it was full.
HAHA.
he limped for a while after that.
haha
work tt aftnn was gr8.
papa, me, zoee n anna.
haha
oh. and the pimple was there too.
but i managed to get her to let me get lunch for everyone =))
*megawatt grin*

i've just realised something again.
as in.
why do people escape from things rather than face it?
why do they treat their kids like idiots tt dont understand the "complicated" stuff sometimes?
i mean, obviously, the kids KNOW.
whats the point of secrecy?

another thing.
politics.
why is there a need for this?
diplomacy? i dig.
but politics a, to me, is another polite word for manipulating backstabber.
why cant people be more honest?
why cant people take that honesty as a good thing?
why dont people keep their mouths shut about the sordid things and the flaws of others?
what does it mean to cheat hurt and break someone?

That day, my heart crumbled without a sound
Memories that won’t go away no matter how much I break, no matter how much I scream
Come flowing into my eyes along with a darkness
And I sink into a tomorrow where I can’t even see any colour anymore


i wonder if we could ever taste colours?




i put a smile on my face
walk into the light of day.
the light covers me like a coat
the warmth it gives me allows me to bear with the day.
but my life lies not in the sun,
but the ice cold rain
each drop that falls on me lets me feel alive.
i am awake.
yet numb at the same time.
=)

just look at the state i'm in.
lol.
i mc-d for the past two days for work.
why?
the bad weather has finally taken a toll on me, my bad sleeping and eating habits.
ok.
but somehow thanks to falling sick and feeling physically crappy, i get to have my beauty rest.
srsly.
i have to totally start making my body clock shut down by 1 am everyday so i lose the bags under my eyes.
and so people will stop telling me i look sick everytime they see me.
i mean, do u know how depressing can that be? LoL.

watched "sky of love" / Koizora the other day.
i think its not bad.
it had a cliche, totally predictable plot, but it still managed to move me to tears.
so.
i suppose it isnt all that bad.
and i managed to think abt the show so much whilst ploughing through my lastest piece of homework, "Lady Audley's Secret", that my eyes were moving across the pages but i was thinking all the while abt koizora.
so, i obviously had to re-read that whole chunk....again.

but this novel really isn't too bad.
its def tons better than BLEAK HOUSE.
my gosh, the kind of novels bi-sexual authors can turn out, really.
oh ok, fine. charles dickens wasn't REALLY bi-sexual, he just had tendencies i guess.
this is how it went.
he was orphaned then he became rich after he received some inheritance, he got married, his marriage became estranged, got into an affair with a young actress roughly the same age as his daughters, supposedly had sth going on with a young man, then at his deathbed he calls for his young actress.
so. screwed up? totally baby.
another dandy to watch out for is oscar wilde.
man was he flamboyant.
if im not wrong he's the guy tt got UK to set the gay law thing.
oh well, dandy or not, they sure had great and beautiful minds to create the shit they did.

ah well.
i cant wait for Crows High to come out!
david let's go watch okok?
haha.
for those who dont know.. its based on a manga...
and i refuse to find out anymore.
lol.
i realise tt live action aka movies adapted frm books or manga are always less than what the manga was.
like harry potter movies ain't nearly as satisfying as the books.
then again, i admit its prob damn impossible to squeeze hundreds of pages worth of details n dialogue into 3 hrs of film, tops.


oh yea.
i have been initiated (reluctantly, really) into the B club.
as u may have guessed.
B for BIMBO.
the queen is yiping, her 2nd in command is dawn.
the rest? derek, zixiang, fuji syuusuke, david senpai then me.
argh.
they sure chose an emo person to be part of their grp.
lol.
for some reason i think its gna be a helluva time.
hahahahahaahahahah, heres a poem:

here cometh thy latest recruit,
the girl who cuts many throats,
who wears a veil of black so dark
it snuffs out the brightest spark
the one who maketh as much sorrow as joy
who eats naught for breakfast but boys
the recruit that lives on morbid poetry
to be able to feel happy.

ONE

You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

TWO

You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

Although you are, deep down, a very caring person, you are very particular in the choice of friends and indeed very demanding at times. You can be most quarrelsome and controversial and it is because of this argumentative trait you can at times explode into open conflict - conflict with even those you may care for and love. It is because of this inherent argumentative streak in you that may have resulted in broken hopes and dreams.

You are experiencing extreme frustration at this point of time, trying to achieve security and peace of mind, but whatever you seem to do doesn't effect the situation. You are worn out and your energy is being seriously depleted. You may be experiencing what is known as 'heartache' - both mentally and physically. You are a listener and you listen and respond to everything that is going on around you. You feel that all that life has to offer should be within your grasp and you would like to participate in every part of it but the situation is such that every door seems to be closed to you. You just can't understand why that is. But it is - and what's more you feel powerless to change it.

Overwork - be it mental stress or physical strain, you are completely worn out and this depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel disappointed with your obvious lack of energy and powerless to do anything about it. You are angry with yourself and this frustration shows. You are contradictory and argumentative and feel helpless to change the situation at this time. Take a break - even if it is only for a few days - allow yourself to breath, to unwind - you'll feel much better for it. Then trust and let go.

okay.

here's the 411. i took the test twice and the results arent good.

lol.

whats new?

i woke up this afternoon in the midst of a dream...
then when i fell back asleep the dream continued but it turned into a nightmare.
it was like i was trapped in the movie "SCREAM", yes, its the one with the horrible masked killer.
somehow some of the hall people were there too and it was hella freaky.
one weird thing was tt joseph gordon levitt (the actor frm 3rd rock from the sun), was there too.
must be because of my desktop wallpaper.
but anyway. that was the nightmare , or daymare?
lol.

the dream before that was abt a memory that i thought was already long forgotten.
i dreamed that mum came home.
and we were all trying to keep quiet and not make a sound
then suddenly there's this really loud, shocking pounding on the front door.
all of us cringe and feel like we're gonna pee in our pants.
somehow my 20yr old self feels small and kiddish again.
i hear him holler our names, asking then demanding we open the door.
and the pounding goes on and on then suddenly, abruptly, it stops.
we all can breathe again.
i wake up.
and literally feel like peeing in my pants.

anws.
i had dental ytd.
i'd forgotten how horrid wearing retainers are.
srsly.
i'd give any day to get 'em braces back.
so anyways, immediately after dental i could only manage some whipped potato then i set off to bugis to get some stuff.
and after going through all that trouble of braving the rain?
the shop was closed!!
so i proceeded to find alternatives.
came back, got lauren's present done.
in the end i had 2 char siew paus, green apple juice, whipped potato, cream puff for the day.
i was hoping we'd have scrabble supper but no.
so dawn suggested we go to her room for supper.
in the end, david supplied everything from the food to the cups. lol.
dawn managed to fish out 3 instant packet drinks, for the record.
i was so hungry i didnt think about the effects of the peanut butter on my sore throat.
but damn the peanut butter was good shit.
way to go david!
in the end, eddie didnt mind driving out for supper so me, dawn, david, lynd went.
ahhhh~ the porridge felt hella good after the long, cold, day.


i realised how i'd forgotten how much i love cold, rainy, stormy days...
and a cup of hot whipped potato to warm me up...
or how much i love the taste of custard melting in my mouth.
or how exhilarating it is to have ice cream on a cold day and get a brain freeze.
sometimes i wonder if one day i'll forget all these small things.
and the times my frens would call me crazy for going nuts over a scoop of choc icream, or when i eat a bar of chocolate, or even when i drink hot tea!
i suppose i still have the natural reaction to go "ahhhh~" and start grinning like a chesire cat but the kid in me seems to be disappearing slowly.
or, disappeared.

~ja-ne

hookay.
quite a bit happened today...
i was too tired and i apparently slept through ALL of Damien's wake up calls...
so i ended up going only for tutorial.
tutorial, in which i managed to totally embarrass myself in..
i was trying to discuss a poem my classmate was presenting abt but halfway thru i forgot what i was saying and the argument fell flat ahhhhhhhh......
then lynd suggested i pop by the radio booth at can B b4 the radio show..
i ended up going in to sit in for the show..
then in the middle of the show they (lynd n clarence) decided to let me try going on air.
lol.
as expected, i laughed.
haha.
all those listening in must've heard.
my gosh, it was embarrassing. but funny n fun.
haha.
then lynd almost got herself into trouble.
lol.
the cheerleaders would've lynched her but tk god not tt many ppl were tuned in.

anws.
we rushed back for the IH Appreciation dinner, supposedly.
lol.
we ended up gg to watch chua perform at hall 9's talentine grp segment.
the sound system was bad.
then we (afni, terence, the derek, mel, pris, lynd) chionged back for the dinner thing.
lol.
i just realised i totally destroyed almost all my pics in the IHRG... either i scrunched my face or wasnt smiling.
lol.
the guys got a laugh.
and they (alan chua, derrick, andy, rtcc) totally ditched me n lynd at the table the minute the games started!
so mean right!
arggh.
and i didnt know i got half colours either!
i didnt even realised my name was called till aft thinking, "why does that name sound familiar ah?"
then i proceeded to embarrass myself by laughing n squatting while shaking kerry's hand.

great move u stone. =/

but dawn n shengjie were really nice... they wrote me notes on the back of the pics.
and i daresay the rec pics were best.
dawn left her signature designs on them!
=)))
nyaaa~





and so. in total, i managed to embarrass myself a total of 3 times.
new record.
blah!

i won't hesitate no more....

its time, finally, i suppose?
time to distance myself from them.
i cant bear to see everything slowly swindle into the black wormhole.
i have to do it.
now or never.
it hurts like hell.
but feel like i dont have much of a choice.
zoee's words on saturday tt i so firmly pushed aside are lingering in my head.
what she says is true.
everyone is somewhat focused on jus finding their ideal someone. the term "bros before hoes" are total crap.
i can see it even more clearly now.
lies lies lies.
i hate it.
and it hurts.
but this is reality.
and i need to grow up somemore.
i can't live in denial and feigned ignorance anymore.
why oh why do i have to face it?


step one, u say u need to talk.
smiles politely back to you, i look right on through.
i now wonder why i came.
all this sound a tad bit nonsensical.
but its true nonetheless.
things i told all along.
where did i go wrong?

there are things i know i can't tell.
its not my place.
even if i am affected by keeping quiet, i know more things will happen if i spew.
so i maintain silence, it is golden after all.
i think i shall just remain the bystander or mayb passerby and watch as the whole charade plays out.
i am not god.
i cant will things to happen.
all i can do is what i think is best, and let nature takes its course.
RAT, infatuation my ass.


oh, but it hurts something fierce alright.

what happens when you're strong?
life gives you more shit.

so what do you do to counter it?
......become stronger.

friends, esp weel, tell me i'm strong.
i really dont think so.
what kind of person skips class because they're too tired?
what kind of person complains all the time?
what kind of person gets so worked up when she realises she's dependent on her friends then decides to be independent but somewhere along the way that fails too, and she ends up being at the mercy of other people.
what kind of person actually has the face to admit she has so many issues she feels like a freak of nature?
i really dont know what i stand for anymore.
i used to be able to clearly and surely say "i hate the opposite sex" but now the best bunch of friends i have when im in hall are the two idiots tt drive me up the wall with mirth downstairs.
i used to think. "i wanna have a best friend" but now i'm beginning to realise the ones closest to you are the ones tt hurt you most because you aint guarded when you're around them.
its not just friends.
its family too.

the first cut is the deepest.
the one that hurts most and lingers the longest.
the one that makes you wish you were never born.
it replays in your mind over and over like a broken recorder.
it haunts you every night when you shut your eyes before you go to sleep.
some scars can never, will never, be erased.
just like some people, maybe just a few, in your heart, can never be replaced.


what do you do when the world crumbles around you?
do you stop & stare?
or get rid of yourself before you become the last man standing?

`oh what do ya do when it all falls apart?

that last ray of hope....
is gone.









i'll update abt the FAP performance n sunday's outing another time.
my mood is as foul as rotting garbage.
as black as the abyss that my brain has become.
ja-ne.