horoscope for the day....

Today it might be time for a clean sweep -- both literally and figuratively. You'll feel better when there is less clutter and more clarity in your world, so get rid of things (and people) that you just don't need anymore. It's a great idea to stay busy doing things that make your environment better, like cleaning and organizing. Try to do some house cleaning, laundry or other chores before the late afternoon, when your energy is going to be flagging.

-end.

i think i'll start starting every entry with a horoscope for the day.
its interesting.
tho i wont take it too seriously.
anw.
met up with anna n sara today, sorry i was late!!
ate at 'out of the pan'
not bad.
they have choc waffles with custard, my god, it was heavenly.

then headed to work...
i actually forgot to punch in!!!
was runner....AGAIN.
but it was fun.
with meatballs n bleeding armpits.
lol.
joyce, u are HORRID.
u got ur karma.
haha
with the bug incident.
haha.
she screamed like a mad woman and su just burst out laughing w/o really helping.
lol.

oh. and and.
nydc has emo onion rings and nuggets.
alex made 'em tt way.
they all decided to jump back into the deep fryer aft being put on the platter.
for some reason.
haha
suicide.
KAI WEI IS SO CUTE!!! haha, tt was random. lol.


then... this afternoon my stove went mad n flamed up..
the tiny hairs on my right hand are all gone.
haha.
went up in flames.
lol.

jus got back from our first dinner tgt as the 14th jcrc.
as usual in a big grp we all couldnt quite chat abt the same topic so dinner was kinda divided in half.
but i gave them joseph's analysis abt a person's attitude toward love/relationship.
haha.
interesting results.

horoscope of the day....

"You need to start understanding that expressing yourself is necessary to get you to the next level of happiness. In other words, for a healthier life, you need to share your feelings -- no matter what they are. So today, whenever you feel something, express it in the most original and creative way you can. Singing, dancing, cooking or even just goofing around are all great ways to display how you're feeling. If you keep your emotions inside or mask them, you'll be wasting your time."

grrr.
i feel really languid right now.
i wanna run as fast, as far away as i can.
im so fatigued.
i dun quite know from what.

sat i skipped mrs naidu's mum's wake and started work early.
3pm to 2 am is no friggin joke man.
and i was cashier that night.
good in a way i guess.
no need to run so much.
and i was lucky tt there werent tt many customers tt nite.
tho it means less incentive.
but still, when money is involved, i'll nv cease to get nervous.

ms S has turned 20!!
haha.
hey, sms me will u?
i have stuff to pass to u.
haha.
and tell u too.

i was pretty depressed on sat cux the atmosphere at night pretty much sucked.
but oh well.
its over now.
sun was a real rush.
haha
and not to mention my fellow lit mates made me wait two hours.
as usual, wang chin lost her way.
ms cheerleader!!
stop being so careless will u.
one day u might lose yourself.
haha.
joseph made us all undergo psychological tests.
i died when i gt back to hall.
thank god for joel.
he drove ms cheerleader n me back.
i cant imagine the train ride from town all the way back to this desolate end of sg.


ok.
to be honest abt me feelings?
i. feel. like. a. great. tall. excuse. of. a. failure.
i dont know.
the good thing abt me is im passion driven.
and thats also the bad thing abt me.
if i have no inspiration, i cant get any work done.
and i end up either procrastinating or i pressure myself till i break to bits.
the latter is what happened today.
i think i lost it cux i was so disappointed in my lousy design for the banner.
grr.
i shall vow to keep up to expectations.
which is my fear.


how shall i work
when i fear
the ones that made me
may break me
hate me
spurn me
judge me
and never trust me?
when i know not what i fear
do not know what i have to adhere
i feel so transparent
like i'm lying naked on the floor
yet though i feel like hate
this this causes me to hesitate
it is a thing that i want to do without
yet its something i cant live without.
quick someone throw me out!
so i can wriggle, giggle, scream and shout.



i admit.
im falling in love with sylvia plath.
=)

the horoscopes tt i have been posting in here is seriously freaking me out.
check out today's....

"Big changes are happening all around you, and you should jump in! This fluctuation of energy in the environment is going to give you a happy charge, and empower you to make certain changes in your own life. There's a new boldness in you, and it's claiming more control lately -- go with it! You have more power than you realize -- and maybe even more power than you're comfortable with. Get used to being in charge, because there is a born leader deep inside of you."

the part abt me being afraid of power couldnt be more true.
haha.
i actually said sth along these lines to my sub comm on the very 1st meeting, which was ytd...
".....and guys, please feel free to criticize me bcuz im new to everything and i may make mistakes and do stuff wrong...."
and i havent stopped babbling for the past two days.
is tt some sort of "HAPPY CHARGE" omg.
i am so screwed.
how can i lead them?
shit.
curse it.

had the scrc-jcrc meeting today.
i wanna talk abt what happened but i cant.
why?
because.
this blog may pass many an eye.
haiz.

some one help me please
save me from my own disease
save me from the world out there
please come help me if you dare.

ouch, i have done it again
all i feel right now is pain
why i can never seem to see
they're always out to get at me.

the anguish i suffer from MANkind
the ones who seem nice but behind
lies not the innocent little lamb
but instead a wolf beneath a white blind.

so you say, maybe, maybe not,
i'll say this, pray, fret you not,
there will come a day when i'll see through
just what exactly make up you.


so hear me scream,
feel my cry
this is something i won't deny
whatever it is u think to try
i'm gonna leave you high and dry.
i am pissed
i am dissed
oh don't look at me like you're forlorn,
because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

this is for you you you and you.
the people who have made my hell come true.
you seem to test my naivete
i'll tell you what -
you've picked the wrong lady.




the talentine cum investiture was yesterday night.
it was pretty good.
haha.
but still not many ppl came to watch.
haha.
anyways.
im quite pleased to say tt i did ok for my first unseen assignment.
even though i didnt even come close to fulfilling the amount of words...
but at least i didnt go out of point.
then again, maybe i did go out of point but i somehow managed to argue my way through?
omg.
i HATE the word CANVASING right now.
seriously.
its one thing to pay the money yourself but the fact tt i have to chase other ppl for money totally makes it BAD.
i hate getting money from other ppl.
sheesh.

sara!
your birthday is COMING!!!
haha..........

Relationships can be like a dance -- and unfortunately, sometimes you can get your foot stepped on. Right now, one of your relationships -- it could be a friendship, romantic partnership or even a business connections -- is in the middle of quite a tango. And if any problems arise in this partnership, you shouldn't hesitate to try to go it alone. There is little chance for a healthy compromise, and it might be time for you two to take a break from each other.



that was my horoscope for the day.
i am VERY VERY angry with S.R.T.E.M.
he is such a BASTARD.
seriously.
the idiot actually had the guts to go round telling people i PESTERED him to be with me??!!
anna, sara, weel, u reading this?
he is such an assshole!
when pau told me today i was hopping mad.
my god.
ty is SO right in so many ways man.
he is screwed.
asshole.


anws..
im in publicity for jcrc now.
im scared.
honestly, im freaking scared of failing everyone,
ganbatte-ne.
pleasepleaseplease people, join my committee,
and save me.

joel asked me to partner him for dance sport.
i wanna.
i love dancing.
but it means i need to cough up more money and more time.
haiz.
dilemma.

get a load of this...
my horoscope for the month.

Get ready to be the most popular person around, because today you'll provide the perfect input to many people's plans. You've got the advice that everyone needs to hear, and you can deliver it without being too critical. Your tact, honesty and insight will make you the most important person they can talk to. Set up a loose schedule for the day and be prepared for people to interrupt you frequently to ask for your ideas and feedback. You'll thrive in this dynamic.



how i wish it was like that.
haha.
anw.
dracula is SO NOT FUN.
pluthers.
andand.

I DIDNT KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY!!!!!!
arghhh.
su calls and asks me where i am then says im supposed to be at WORK!
my god.
anna, i noe how jumpy u felt now.
hahahaahaha.
what the hell.
bt tt day me n weel checked our schedules tgt and my name was only down for fri..
sheesh.
what in the blue hell is happening to ME??!!
...
two days of running is killing my muscles right now.
damn shagged.
and i haven eaten anything today except a muffin n apple pie.
hmmmmm.
i want i want i want........
actually, i dun feel hungry.

i just came back from attending the rally for the 14th jcrc...
i still havent committed as to whether or not i wanna run for publicity.
my interest for it is definitely there but my confidence has been dead for oh so long.

anyways...
from the rally, i really admire four of the speakers out of all the rest.
i suppose im really critical when it comes to speaking coming from A21 (all the criticism that went on durg class was mad!) as well as being an x debater .
li xiang was the first to make a super huge impact on the crowd.
everyone with half shut eyes must've jolted awake. man, the impact was definitely there.
and from the way he made his introduction, he showed that he's conscientious enough to rmb the predecessors. btw, he ALWAYS calls me 'ah yu' like from some olden day movie. lol.

wai chong...hmm. i dun noe him well, and he's another weel n sara. not into socializing. he ran for hon gen, and had to answer this question that put him in a real tight spot.
he wasnt that strong a speaker but his blunder in the intro lightened the mood and the way he tried to answer the qn in the most politically correct and at the same time frank way made me admire his speech.

kerry and esther.
since their senior i guess they have experience in this arena but nevertheless their speech left impressions upon my mind. i loved the way esther bluntly said she wont promise anything if she couldnt carry it out.
its sth tt many leaders lack... all talk no action is common enough.
kerry's confidence is like a warm blanket, comforting and assuring at the same time.
i guess the right ppl have stepped up huh.
but no matter wad, the seniors always have the upper hand compared to us juniors.

i was in a dilemma concerning sean n dency.
both are my frens.
i considered abstaining as well.
but then.
i watched dency work for this with all the effort knowing she was at a disadvantage.
the very fact she has the guts to see it thru makes me wanna cheer her on all the friggin way.
anyways.
we'll see how it goes.



books books books.
how can my fave thing in the world kill me at the same time?
argh

no, it doesnt mean i wanna be rich
i hate money especially BECAUSE it causes so many annoying problems.
i just wanna live comfortably.
and no matter what, the place i stay in MUST have a room specially for reading.
and a book collection.
yupyup.
and a big arm chair to curl up in and lots of hot choc.
shikin thinks so too.
haha.
our ideal home.
and my job.
my job won't BE my job because i have to love what i do
so technically if i love what i do then it wont BE a JOB anymore.
haha.

was a bit late for my 101 tut cux i missed the bus.
btw, HL 101 is my fave module simply cux the things we're studying are SANE.
the others are like gibberish to me.
sad, eh?
i think i wanna take feminism and victorian lit nxt sem.
anw
had my v first proj grp meeting today with wan chin n steffi.
meryl n ruth didnt make it tho.

had clan dinner tonight.
not many ppl came though.
most of the biz students had to do projects.
eldine, shuwen, me, small grace, dency, ccc, derrick, guang liang, shyan jun, nina, LZ, jake n his roomie.
actually, all the clans had dinner day today.
went to nina's for a short sing-along session with lz, dency n grace then headed back to dency's to read her speech.
wont be campaigning with them today tho.
alot of stuff to do.
plus, tml's class is in the morning.

ja~

had four hours of sleep.
went to amk to play bball.
but the weather was screwed.
it rained aft an hour so we stopped.
much to sara's dismay.
went to ny sun to visit ed.
saw shane's mum.
ran into shu pei at suntec.
bought my roxy bag.
played at marina's arcade.
went back to hall.
obviously i aint in the mood to type stuff out properly right now.



I GIVE UP.

shit u guys.
are there ANY decent guys in the friggin world?
DON'T u DARE come saying 'oh, not all of us are like that..." blah blah blah.
and any other BS u can churn up for me.
because seriously.
my stroke of bad luck has gotten even WORSE.
hello.
what are guys becoming nowadays anyways.
why cant u all have more standard.

this is the SECOND time i'm getting mistaken as bloody third party when im not even that close to the guy involved.
why must u blame the third party?
why do u all escape the main problem and jump on someone else who's not involved and clueless.
do u even noe i didnt approve of the way he broke up and told him as much?
seriously, u dont even KNOW me.
a clear conscience is a soft pillow and i sure as hell can tell u im sleeping like a bloody log.
but u ppl are just telling me how 'much' u all can do for your friend.
which obviously isnt much.
i have been in ur shoes.
but instead of taking it out on the SUPPOSED third party i confronted the guy directly.
have u even considered the possibility tt the third party may not even BE a THIRD party?
sheesh.
its pretty obvious u all are just looking for a scapegoat.

anyways.
to u, the ghosts on my tagboard who are the frens of the EX.
i have already passed the message, or lack thereof, to brian.
i have held my end of the bargain and he'll deal with it.
please stop plaguing me.
thank you.

ok how weird is this?
a fortune cookie said....."time to upgrade ur relationship status..."
what the hell.
and zoee just asked me why i dont have a bf....
-____-"


hmm.
this is kinda random but i dunno who i am anymore.
honestly.
am i a happy person or a sad person?
by nature, i mean?
its like, there used to be people telling me i'm a really cheerful person who smiles 24/7...
and now, there are people noticing that im a really unhappy person.
so which is it?
or am i like, 50-50?

honestly, if someone were to ask me, i wouldnt really know, and couldnt really say.
plus, i think im a leech, still.
and a coward.
i mean, how pathetic is it when the ONLY way im showing my rebellion is by stubbornly insisting that i wanna stay in hall?
seriously i feel like digging a hole and killing myself.
sometimes i feel like a slowly rotting corpse.
sometimes i feel like i have the courage to be everyone's sunshine.
sometimes i feel like a cloud sucking up other people's sunshine and making it my own.
other times. i feel like i need to be needed or i will cease to exist at all.
that i have no purpose in life.

all i know is that this year, in the six short months i since i've started working at nydc, my mind has lost the same amount of naivete tt i should have slowly started losing over the last few yrs.
i probably clung on to blissful ignorance to appreciate what time i had left as a teen since my childhood was hardly a childhood.
but i got hurt real bad.
sometimes im so digusted with that asshole and sometimes im so pissed with myself i feel like slapping my own cheek.
u have no idea how many times i've mentally kicked myself.
over and over again like some crazy emoticon.

and this time i cant seek solace in my fantasy novels.
nt like the last time years ago.
i jus dont have that much time on my hands anymore.
i cant exactly seek solace in the people at school either.
its hard to explain...
in some ways we are really bonded but in other ways we all lead completely separate lives.
like, mayb only weel n a few others can tell what im thinking or feeling even if they dun wanna acknowledge it.
i dunno.

on a lighter note though.
zoee actually asked me why i dont have a bf.
woman! go and find one for urself than start nagging at me can??!
lol.
i feel like an old maid but to put it bluntly.
im afraid of losing it again.
haha
falling in love is DANGEROUS.
if theres any lesson i've learnt abt guys this year its this.
they can be warm and loving and lovey dovey and nice when they want something from u when u r more than friends.
then they can completely detach themselves when they tire of u or when they think they've found a better catch.
so unless someone can persuade me or prove to me guys arent really like that or when they stop being so animalistic then ya, i wouldnt mind having one.
no matter how much u think u noe someone they just never stay that way for long.
to be fair though, i guess its beginning to apply to some girls as well.

but anyway zoee.
this is probably WHY i DON'T HAVE a BF.

1. i intimidate them.
- who wants a girl as tall as them and who challenges them verbally all the time? plus im blunt n saracastic sometimes.

2. i honestly like debating sometimes, which i think they end up catergorizing as arguing and so they give in. i prefer ppl with a mind of their own thank you.

3. mayb they find my habits boring? haha. reading, writing, sleeping, dancing are all passive.

4. im a VERY busy person. i have to juggle school, work, friends, family.

5. i think they just dont like my character as a whole la. i got alot of pride. like even if i want or need help i'd never admit it.

6. my face. haha. its not mind blowing or unforgettable and i just cant stand wearing make up and being girly.

7. i havent mentioned this before. i used to think i HATED the opp sex cux of daddy dearest but honestly, i think im just scared to death at the amount of emotional, mental and maybe physical damage they can do to me. this is the main reason why i keep a distance sometimes. i dont care if u think im a coward. i've tried time and time again to overcome this but time and time again i;ve been hurt so what does that prove?



arent i just the perfect pain in the ass?