Apologies...

So I left you hanging...

In the midst of all my Packer excitement over the weekend......

(soooooooo excited. There was dancing! and by the way, just wait till you see my outfit for gameday/bday... it's pretty amazing)

..I forgot to tune back in and share my big 101 completion with you!

Drumroll please....................

Some folks buy TV's...

Others choose fancy clothes...

But I... am apparently not like other people...

because I.....

Got THIS

Ta-daaaa!!!

That's right folks, last Saturday I bought myself a cello. Pretty hefty little investment, but I got a super good deal (and had a cellist check it out for me and give me the "a-ok!") and it 's BEAUTIFUL... and it sounds... oh my gosh... it sounds like HEAVEN!

(and will probably sound better when I know what I am doing, can't wait to start official lessons)

Anyways, so there it is. I saved up a bit and chose the cello as my yay new job/merry christmas/happy new year/welcome to your late 20's gift to myself.

And I love it.

Exciting!!!

Another task bites the dust.... what will be next?

Stay tuned!

Hey, guess what?

As per Heather's request, this post will not mention Jesus*

....

It will however mention some 101 successes!

There will be pictures to come, BUT.... my room is currently undergoing a makeover. Turns out all those years of watching HGTV while children napped have paid off! As of today #14: Paint a room, is complete! (before, during and after photos coming soon!) Side note: It may be man mecca, but I've got a passport, and I am not afriad to use it.

Also, a HUGE accomplishment, #81: Pay off my credit cards, is 1 payment away from being finished! Can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and a big, BIG, BIG 101 task that I'm saving as a surpise for a little later in the day is also ready to be checked off.... Excited?? You should be. Any guesses as to what task it may be?? (for those of you who know, no cheating allowed!!!)

Stay tuned!

Go Packers!!!!!!!

*No apologies, but I will say, I am not that crazy friend who slowly turns fanatically religious and goes borderline nutzo. I stole a diet dr. pepper this week (long story), pretty sure nutzo religious people only drink kool-aid or something.. and they would never steal...

One year ago today...

Yesterday on the plane I was thinking about how weird my life is now, and I was praying thinking back to this time last year and I got to flipping through my personal journal when I came across an entry from this very date last year. I don't typically copy entries directly from my personal space on here for obvious reasons, but this particular entry really struck me, for reasons I will later explain.

I distinctly remember writing this and bawling my eyes out over lunch at the kitchen table of a family I was nannying for (whose kids would scream profanities at me just about every day)... Little did I know that not even 2 weeks after writing this entry my body would begin to boycott against me, My windshield would crack, I'd get several flat tires and roughly 75 more job rejections.. and basically I would have a lot more meltdowns.. (which is kinda.. well, REALLY... embarassing in hindsight)....

January 21, 2010

I'm discouraged. I didn't get the Belmont job. They didn't even call me, they just sent the obligatory "no thanks" e-mail. =( The food bank interviewed me, but then never called to notify me either way (which they said they would do). I feel lost. Confused as to what I should be doing, or where to even look. I've been nannying since September and that's been it! No consulting work, no music, no freelancing. Just nannying. Every job I've applied for since has resulted in a rejection. I don't know what to do. I've talked about "Bliss n' Bella" as a dessert catering/event design company, but I don't have the funds to jump start it, and I certainly couldn't live off that, not for a long while anyway... and to top it all off, my computer died today. 100% gone. I'm not sure I can recover pictures or music either because it won't even turn on!

I still owe Josh roughly $500 for rent/dad's Christmas gift from last year. I'm in forbearance on my school loans, and after Tuesday I have no future work. I still haven't paid for my last filling and I need 2 more! I'm on my last pair of contacts and my car is 600 miles overdue for an oil change.

I have no idea how I'm going to pay for all of this.

I can't support my own life!

I'm 26 years old and 3k in credit card debt, 48k in school debt, and apparently I am unhireable! And I can't afford to go back to school for anything else. My continuous lack of funds consumes me. Fear of making/meeting bill dates is always in the back of my mind, and anytime I come close to catching up (getting ahead is out of the question at this point) something happens. This time: the computer dies. And it's tax time. And all the $$ I made last year went untaxed. =0 ... uh oh.

Maybe I am supposed to end up somewhere else. I dunno. I honestly, do not know. And I am depressed, and discouraged. And sad. I didn't want 2010 to be like this. I turn 26 in 15 days, and I don't even have a bed! =(

I'll admit, it's a little hard for me not to roll my eyes at myself now... except that I remember how incredibly paralyzing it felt. I can't explain it.. but it felt as though my life was in limbo.. lacking any firm direction, while I was slowly sinking... powerless to get things moving. And I felt extreme guilt over how I felt about things.. there I was, a 20 something lady with great friends, a fantastic church, a supportive family, good health (for the time being) and a roof over my head, all of which I was extremely thankful for... but then there was the fear.... that helpless feeling... and the embarrassment over not being able to handle my own life. I remember praying that God would increase my faith, KNOWING that God is the one who provides, but at the same time feeling guilty as though I wasn't looking in the right direction, or I had made some sort of mistake, or that I was being put on trial or punished or something.

Which is ridiculous.

When I was in high school I once heard a sermon that stuck with me. Actually, only 1 part of it stuck with me, and it was the speaker saying that often, when he didn't know how/what to pray, or when he was lost on how to pray for someone else his prayer would be "Lord, teach me that you love me." or "lord, teach them that you love them." .. because he believed that if people really and truly believed that God loved them, that it would change everything.

I pray this a lot. I prayed it a lot then, and I pray it a lot now. It's an ongoing thing that I struggle with... obviously i KNOW that God loves me. But knowing it and feeling it don't always go hand in hand. And I am often quick to judge God based on my circumstances, or based on the actions of His imperfect followers. (again. ridiculous... I'm a sinner, what can I say?)

Anyhow (this all ties together, I swear!)... the past few months have been pretty dramatic for me. I finally got my health situation squared away (as far as we know), went off food stamps, received a new computer and a phone/phone plan that's paid for, and I put new tires on the car last month. Lord willing, in a couple weeks when I turn 27 I'll have paid off all my taxes and credit cards (everything but school, holla!!), ordered new contacts, and scheduled a dentist appointment. (and yes, I got a bed...took care of that awhile back!) Honestly, it feels good. Sometimes even a little too good.... and I have had to daily remind myself that God's love toward me today is the exact same as it was towards me this time last year. No more, no less. I'd be lying if I sat here and said that I don't feel more secure today then I did then... but the TRUTH is that's sin, and I should repent..because I am no more secure today than I was this time last year.

And this revelation reminds me of that verse... "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever.."

That's how it is.

that's how God loves me/you

That's how God feels towards me/you

And it's unchanging.

God loves me with a love that is steady, reliable, and true. The kind of love that women (and men too I think) go weak in the knees for. Storm or sun: Consistent. Swearing children or complimentary bosses. Depression or Joy, God's love is the same... none of my circumstances can change it (thank heavens)!

And let me tell you, it is SO incredibly hard to hold on to that. I have to remind myself repeatedly that this is true... and lots of times I can't or I don't, and I need other people to remind me that it's true. Because it is.

So now there's this post. So that when the next season of trouble comes (and it will) and you all grow tired of pointing me to Jesus (which you'll undoubtedly need to do) you can bookmark this and forward me my own words. And I'll likely be annoyed by it, but I'll get over it.. cause it's what I'll need to hear. repeatedly. To know it, and claim it, and believe it.. regardless of whether or not I feel it.

That's faith.

That's so freaking hard.

...and so worth trying to get right.

“Faith ain’t no magic wand or money-back gar’ntee, either one. Hit’s jest a way a-livin’. Hit means you don’t worry th’ew the days. Hit means you go’n be holdin’ on to God in good or bad times, and you accept whatever happens. Hit means you respect life like it is–like God made it–even when it ain’t what you’d order from the wholesale house.Faith don’t mean the Lord is go’n make lions lay down with lambs jest cause you ast him to, or make fire not burn.

.....if’n you git beat down–scairt to death you cain’t do what you got to, or scairt you go’n die, or scairt folks won’t like you–why, all you got to do is put yore hand in God’s and He’ll lift you up..... I found out a long time ago, when I look on what I got to stand as a dang hardship or a burden, it seems too heavy to carry. But when I look on the same dang thang as a challenge, why, standin’ it or acceptin’ it is like you done entered a contest. Hit even gits excitin’, waitin’ to see how everthang’s go’n turn out.” -Cold Sassy Tree

News Flash!

This just in!

Guess who just received an email from her manager commending their comprehension?

Me!

yay!

Celebrating with a glass of wine and (unburnt) pizza as we speak.

Hollaaaaa

Three Truths, No lies.

(some of these facts stolen from my five new thingz, sorry for being so repetitive lately)

• This week at work I had breakfast meetings AND Social dinners. I swear this job is a secret "weight gain camp"

• Speaking of my job, I'd like to go on the record as saying that it isn't "peachy" all the time. (not that anything ever is.. and anyone who says otherwise is selling something... you heard it hear first kids: nothing is peachy forever) Anyhow, I screwed up a ton yesterday. I even burnt a pizza in my apartment TWICE. The SAME pizza. I don't know how that's even possible... but it happened. I'm still not sure how I landed such a hard-core grown up job, and I DEFINITELY have moments where I feel extremely out of place.. and being the lone new person on the team has it's rough moments... but I'm swimming along anyway, keeping my head above water somehow.. though my arms are super sore and sometimes it's incredibly lonely out here in the deep end and honestly I really, really need to step up my game. I'm out here with my floaties getting lapped! Pray for me... *side note: yesterday I came into the office only to hear my 24 year old co-worker on the phone discussing her stock options with a company financial guru. Apparently she put her 5k bonus from last year into her stock portfolio. What? Where AM I?? Who are these people?!

• In happier work related news, after a few epic fails this week, today I completed what can only be described as "the most beautiful excel spreadsheet ever" That's right. I did. I did, and I did it in less than 3 hours. (which is actually kinda slow, but whatever)

It had colors.

It had check boxes.

It had modified cells.

It had cells where I made the text scroll vertically!

I manually entered 4 pages of data from a protected PDF and then formatted it. I stand amazed. Those who know me, KNOW what a triumph this is. I'd like to extend a special word of thanks to my friend the "format painter" tool. Thank-you format painter. We will be close, I can feel it.

That's all for now folks, now that I am in my 3rd time zone of the day, I say: goodnight!

ps. don't everyone jump at once with suggestions of what to send Pras!! I mean, it's not like any of you teach middle school aged boys or anything... ;)

#36

For this child I have prayed...

Well folks guess what? Today was an exciting and long-awaited day.

Let me back up.

For some time now I have always been jealous of my friends and roommates that sponsor kids through World Relief/Compassion International, thinking "as soon as I get a full time job, I'm totally doing that!"

In hindsight I wish I had stepped out on faith and just gone ahead with a sponsorship, as I'm sure God would have provided for it... but alas, I did not.

However, since I was hired it moved up on the To-Do list and on New Years Day I went to Compassions site and signed up to be a sponsor. I won't get into how excited I was as I am sure you all find me nerdy enough already.... but it was exciting!

I decided to go ahead and let Compassion choose my child and surprise me, because after 2 minutes it was clear that there was NO WAY I could single any one child out. So I figured they have a list of high-risk, long-waiting kids that they would choose from for me.

Now I know this will sound completely crazy, but I gotta tell ya, I have been thinking about this child all week. I've heard how mothers "nest" right before they are about to deliver,and how people who adopt are often the same way... I always thought that was strange how people who adopt still go through that nesting phase... until this week, when I swear I have been anxiously awaiting this envelope and actively praying for this child and that God would send me the one He had planned, someone who would benefit from me being in their life (and vice versa!), someone who has been waiting and hoping for a sponsor, someone I can be a good listener to, someone I can pray for and try to take care of even from afar. I can't explain it, but I KNEW God had a child in mind.

And today as my hands shook (don't judge) ripping my envelop open, I saw him.

Ladies and Gents I present to you: Prasojo! Aka "Pras"

Isn't he a little heart-breaker? Pras turns 13 in August and he lives in Indonesia. IRONY: I've BEEN THERE!!

I can't tell you how excited I am to know more about him and to have to hold back from being the stereotypical white woman who wants to spoil him like crazy. I'm sure these feelings pass.. but for now I am enjoying being so excited about this! I think a big part of it is that it feels good to be able to do something like this and not have to raise the money... if that makes any sense? And just knowing that there is someone out there that I may never meet (though compassion does trips where you can go and meet your kid.. how awesome would THAT be?!?!) but that I have a connection to nonetheless.

Recently I've had many moments of melancholy coming to grips with the fact that I may never have kids of my own... I mean, obviously, I very well could have kids, but no one is guaranteed that in life and the older I get the more aware of it I feel. A few days ago I almost cried when I saw a mom greet her kids on the corner as they hopped off the school bus. (don't start with the judging again, believe me I found my reaction more strange that any of you possibly could!) Anyhow, I got to thinking about it, and as I was about to get sad, it dawned on me that no matter what happens in my own life, God has PLENTY of children/people/strangers/friends out there for me. I thought about my Compassion child and how while I was sitting at a stop sign feeling sorry for myself over something that wasn't even a for sure "reality" yet, God was busy sending me child. (in one sense of the word!)

and then I felt really dumb..

But now Pras is here.. and I am taking any/all suggestions as to things I can include for him in my letters. 13 year old boys are not my strong suit and I want to pick good things...Baseball cards? Gum? Postcards? In the meantime I'm on a mission to take pics of my friends and various things so that he can know more about me as well. I can't wait to talk to him about Indonesia!

Anyways, so there's that news. =)

I will say this: My one regret was not stepping out on faith and doing this sooner, even when unemployed... I wish I had just risked it and gone through with it sooner, because God provides. As it stands, I believe Pras was one of the ones who had been waiting for a sponsor for more than 6 MONTHS... and I could have been there sooner. I realize I may never even hear from Pras at all, and that's ok. I'm just excited to finally be a part of this. If you are interested in "adopting" a child (for the record I vote YES! Do it!) click here.

"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

-1 Samuel 1:27

4

“There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same again, and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this, now sometimes you can feel such a moment coming, that’s the test, or so I tell myself at times like these: strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they’re gonna find.” -Unknown

Today

I wish I could go to prayer meeting at City Church.

I honestly don't like missing.

That's all.

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Still love it... Happy New Year friends.

"Ring Out Wild Bells..."
By: Alfred Lord Tennyson

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.