Last weekend I went dancing downtown...and not country dancing... For some reason I thought that clubbing while being unattached would make me feel differently about the whole thing.
I thought wrong.
After uncomfortably dancing through a couple songs with some creepy strangers who probably have girlfriends at home, I successfully managed to escape and spent the rest of the evening hiding in the bathroom changing stalls every few moments to avoid detection. I also did the staff a favor by tidying up the sink area because apparently I am a freak.
There is something seriously wrong with me if I can't manage to enjoy 1 random night out at a club filled with strangers grinding up on each other, right? Most 20 somethings do this often, some of my friends even. What is my problem? Men don't seem to have much of a problem with this. There is always a flock of guys ready to jump the bones of anything that walks in without a penis.. but it's not just men: I watched and there were plenty of women out there dancing their cares away as I was secluded in the stalls. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'd try and be cool watching everyone else out there dancing one and one, drinking, having a good time but then there I'd be with some dude praying "Please God get this creep away from me" as he'd keep dancing me into a wall. And I'm dancing there thinking, "I could have herpes for all this person knows and he keeps getting dangerously close to my mouth. Quick turn your head Danica now! To the left! Now the right! Good grief I could have children! I could be a killer! And no telling who this fella is!" Maybe I just think too much.
I guess I had it coming. I never enjoyed it before. I'm not sure how I let myself think it would be different now, because I'm still the same person. I haven't changed. I haven't created a new identity. Apparently I can't adapt reptile traits and become a chameleon like most people seem thoroughly capable of, and sometimes that sucks.
But I got to thinking, and I realized: maybe it's because I've had the real thing.
The entire night at the club I couldn't help but think about what a cheap substitution it all was for anything truly good or worthwhile. I literally could not get it out of my head. Cheap substitution.
That's the downside to having the real thing. Cause once you've experienced it, anything less only feels like the cheap substitution that it is. You can pretend to be fulfilled through other means, whatever those may be... and you may fool everyone else.. but good luck convincing yourself.
Who knows, maybe someday I will find myself comfortable in the arms of strangers with wandering hands who want to rub their bodies all over me... I highly doubt it, but who knows.
For now, maybe I will start a nightlife washroom service providing fresh paper towels and clean sinks....
In the meantime I'll stick to dance parties at my place.
PS- Another good story is the part about how the first club we went to wouldn't let me in because they didn't think my liscence was real. AWESOME!
