"Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting...: fear of lonliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable... A few years previously, a similar situation would have had me sweaty with anxiety, but lonliness had of late become an emotion that I had stopped feeling so intensely. I had learned lonliness's extremes and had mapped its boundaries; lonliness was no longer something new or frightening- just another aspect of life that, once identified, seemed to disappear. But I realized a capacity for not feeling lonely carried a very real price, which was the threat of feeling nothing at all...And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something that nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened...After a while you understand the way that things can go wrong in people's lives; you learn all the patterns and temptations; you recognize the ways people use other people. The glamour of corruption disappears; the learning is no fun anymore. You don't want to waste the energy, so instead you learn tolerance, and compassion and love- and distance- and these are hard words for me to say. All of this is hard for me to say... Now- here is my secret: I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God- that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love." -Douglas Coupland
Would someone please read this book and then come hang out with me so we can talk about it?
“I have come to believe that by and large the human family all has the same secrets, which are both very telling and very important to tell. They are telling in the sense that they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition - that what we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.” - Frederick Buechner
1.25.2007
1.18.2007
Beauty, where to find it? Can't be far.
"Little girl don’t be so blue
I know what your going through
Don’t let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking...."
I know what your going through
Don’t let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking...."
1.06.2007
...and laugh they do.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
1.01.2007
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