It's a Miles Davis kind of mourning.

Whatever happened to this person?

Update

Good things:
-Had a few nice freelance jobs this week. Woohoo!

Potential good things:
-Supposedly asked to join another demo singer service... we shall see.
-Went through some of my old material. We're talking ANCIENT here. Most of it is crap, but some of it has potential. So I'm gonna re-work some of it and see how I feel.

Not-so-good things:
I swear if one more person tries to set me up with someone.... Seriously. 3 different people kept promoting 3 different people, all this week. Sorry, not gonna happen people. Good grief.

What I've been reading:
"A Grief Observed" -C.S. Lewis
Yup.. still going. And yes, I realize that this is a short book, but honestly, it falls on the heavy side, so I've only been reading a section or so at a time.

"IV" -Chuck Klosterman
Awesome compilation of articles, interviews and musings by Chuck Klosterman.

"A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" -Ishmael Beah
Wow. Intense, heartbreaking and disgusting all at the same time. This is the account of Ishmael Beah, a 26 year old native of Seirra Leone who was forced to become a soldier at 13.

What I've been listening to:
CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!
You know you love Amy Grant's Christmas, the "Maybe this Christmas" series, and of course.. Sufjan!

"Easy Tiger" Ryan Adams
Muy Bueno!!

"Icky Thump" White Stripes
Ok, so I'm biased since some of the work on this was done at Sputnik. But that said, this isn't really my favorite Stripes' album. Best tracks: "You Don't Know What Love Is (you just do as you're told)" & "Effect and Cause"

CS Lewis...

...Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand...If God's goodness is inconsistent with hurting us, then either God is not good or there is no God: for in the only life we know He hurts us beyond our worst fears and beyond all we can imagine... Sometimes it is hard not to say "God forgive God." Sometimes it is hard to say so much. But if our faith is true, He didn't. He crucified Him.

Sooner or later I must face the question in plain language. What reason have we, except our own desperate wishes, to believe that God is, by any standard we can conceive, "good"? Doesn't all the prima facie evidence suggest exactly the opposite? What have we to set against it?

We set Christ against it. But how if He were mistaken? Almost His last words may have a perfectly clear meaning. He had found that the Being He called Father was horribly and infinitely different from what He had supposed. The trap, so long and carefully prepared and so subtly baited was at last sprung, on the cross. The vile practical joke had succeeded... Time after time, when He seemed most gracious He was really preparing the next torture.

Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in your lap. The drill drills on.

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness."

~A Grief Observed"
C.S. Lewis

Freelancing.

I love freelancing. I hate freelancing. I love to hate freelancing. I hate to love freelancing.

In short... freelancing is wonderously complicated.

Workin it...

So I've officially played the famous/infamous "6th Street" in Austin.

Just got in after doing 2 shows tonight. One at The Hideout on Congress, and another out at Shakespeare's Pub on 6th.

Both went well. In fact, I ran out of CD's...I'm even having to mail one out to a guy nice enough to pay in advance. Thanks!

I've enjoyed my musical experience here in Austin thus far. The venues are welcoming, the people listen (and purchase!), the bars give generous tabs to the musicians, and there aren't very many female musicians hitting the streets. This last fact actually suprised me a bit.. it's mainly been me and all these Austin men. Interesting.

Overall it's a very laid-back city; musically and otherwise. I was a little nervous going on the road without my band (who I miss a lot!!), but it has been a good experience for me.. and if nothing else, I've proved that I can do it relatively successfully AND enjoy myself all at the same time! Awesome.

One more Austin show on Tuesday night, then it's Turkey-time.

November 17th, 2007

Saturday.

I've come to find that I now care very little about things that used to matter so much.

It's a strange feeling.

In other news, I am here in Austin playing shows for most of the weekend. So far so good, I guess. It's nice to play for people I don't know. To have the assurance that people aren't just showing up because they are my friends... though I'd wager most of the people are my brothers friends or random people that just happen to be in the same place at the same time... but even so, it's kinda refreshing. Just to play for different types of people and not just the 20-something, drunk, half-dressed college students looking to get some, to see people coming for the music and not to get wasted on 2 for 1... I'd forgotten that's what music can look like.

Speaking of forgetting...I forgot to mention the ep the first night which Josh will, as you can imagine, never let me forget. Oh well. I thought about it, but none of the other people mentioned any cd or anything... so I didn't want to be "that girl." Course, now I see that's kinda retarded.. but oh well, you live you learn I guess. I mentioned it last night and got rid of one, so that's good.

Had an avocado margarita yesterday at lunch with sevichee. Yum! And last night at the show I tried an Apricot Hefeweizen, which was not to bad (for beer and all).

Two shows tommorrow and one on Tuesday and then it's off to OK for the holiday...

THE BIG THANK-YOU!

So the project is done, everyone exhale!

It's been quite a journey from that phone call in March, and for a while it seemed like it would never happen, but it did! It happened! It's done! And I'm already sick of it! Haha.. kidding. (sort of)

It's hard to imagine the work that went in to such a small endeavor. The amount of paperwork and red tape it takes to get something done right. If only it were just about the music. If only it were a simple as just writing songs. Oh well, that's life I guess. Regardless, it was a lot of fun, and I'm hoping to start on an acoustic project with some people here soon. We shall see. For now, I've got some people to thank!

I am extremely blessed to have had so many talented, humble people work with me on this project. I don't know what I did to deserve you all, but thank-you!!!!!

Here's what I wish I could have included in the liner notes:

Da Band- For being willing to practice in a hot, smelly basement with bad lighting: thank-you!! For bringing my music to life: thank-you! And for being so laid-back and putting up with my "rehearsals": thank-you!! You guys make me smile... so much.

Matt Casey- Damn boy. I can't thank you enough for squeezing me into your already packed schedule. Thanks for putting up with my not-so-awesome guitar playing, and for making my songs sound 20,000 times cooler. (and for being so humble about it) Don't leave us!

Luke Easterling- Where to start? I love playing with you. So many bass players are one-dimensional and boring (and bad).. thanks for not being one of those! I really appreciate your dramatic readings, your lovely chord recommendations, your uh... "special" phone calls and your nomination for Matt, I can see why he's your favorite. Thanks for moving back to the 'ville.

Marcus Hill- Well..my production team has a man crush on you, and I can't think of a higher complement than that. =) Seriously, thanks for being a part of this and for bringing so much talent (and humility) to my little project. I know I can always count on you: to show up, to knock it out, and to give me that "marcus look" whenever I do something stupid. Thanks!

Aidan Rowe- You took my 5 chords and brought the magic. You ate my baked goods. You told me that I laugh too much during practice. Thanks for playing with me. You're awesome.

Andrew Osenga- Thank-you for bringing me one step closer to finding my groove, and for talking me through all of my ammature questions and concerns. You are a joy to work with. Your talent, humility and leadership are extremely appreaciated! (and thanks for introducing us to Vittles!)

Andy Hunt- Round 1, 2 and 3. All usable in my opinion. Thanks for all your hard work. I'm one lucky gal to have had you work on this with me!

Randy Gardner- Sorry it took us so long to connect, but thanks for being the final piece of the audio post-production!

Discmakers- Oh man. You had me sweating for a while there. Thanks for not screwing this up. Considering how many ways this could have gone wrong, that's impressive!

David Nguyen- I still think you should work in production, but if Publishing is your thing, then I'll take your word for it. I had a lot of fun with all our little grassroots recording sessions. Thanks for being cool and humoring me! Record again next week? =)

Morgan Levy- Maybe you should create MySpace layouts for a living! =) Thanks for helping me with some of the small details.

Marion Millard- I really wish we could have used one of your photos. Someday!! Thanks for all of your help on the front end, and for encouraging me along the way.

Josh Mercer- I swear I don't cry as much as you probably think I do. For all those late night phone calls, early morning freak outs, emails with attachment after attachment after attachment, thank-you! You've been extremely patient and encouraging. I totally owe you. I couldn't have asked for a better brother (and Austin booking agent). Thanks.

Luke Boardman- You gave me a bio like no other. You agreed that the new tracks will put this project to shame soon. You pestered me to no end for mp3's. You approved of my album title and theme. You told me when I was being neurotic (which, granted is most of the time). You sent me poetry and told me your tales of hitting on lesbians. You used the word "hymen" correctly in a poem...Thanks.

Kelsey- Everyone deserves a friend who will let them drip snot on their roof (more than once). Thanks for proving that not everyone leaves.

Mom and Dad- I know it's in your job description to believe, but thanks for believing anyway (even after I quit my job to sing for a living).

David Overholt- Mr. website extraordinaire, thanks for working with me on this.

Kristin- You are so talented. Thanks for letting me put you to work. It's so pretty! Yay!

Brian Grant- I have to say, you've shown me side of myself I've never seen before. Thanks for making me feel comfortable taking pictures in the middle of the street, and for being so excited for me. Walk off soon?

Katie Walker- Girl... you have mad skills. Thanks for not making fun of my extreme lack of makeup knowledge, for enduring the heat and for making my pictures awesome.

Levi Kennedy- Hooray for guitar tech 101. I promise to be a better student

Laura Taylor- Thanks for listening through everything and giving me pointers. Thanks for helping me choose songs and for reminding me that it's my opinion that matters most.

Heather Snodgrass- Thanks for putitng up with my screaming, singing and stalling all summer long as I reworked songs and tried to make everything fall into place. Thanks for letting me use your muffin tin to make sustenance for the team.

Emily- If you can't skinny-dip with your roommate, then who else is there? Thanks for being so supportive and excited for me.

To the 80 of you (and counting) who have purchased the final product: Thanks for helping me pay rent! =) I really hope you enjoy it!!

For anyone I missed... please know I'm greatful. (and if you doubt it, email me and I'll add you in!)

Well folks. There you have it.

I said I would do it.

And I did...

With your help!!

THANK-YOU!!!!

It's Here!

Tadaaa!

Going green?

I should preface this by saying that I agree with the idea that people should consume less and learn to conserve and preserve more efficiently.

However...

If I am honest, I the whole "global warming" movement kinda irks me.

Here's why:

It's so convenient. It's become this "popular issue" but in reality it's sort of this nebulous idea that even experts can't agree on.

Am I saying that I "don't believe in global warming"? No.

But I am saying that I find it ironic that people are more than willing to jump on board for a cause that they can't see, prove or experience, when in the mean time there are genocides going on right now that people HAVE SEEN. Governments and experts have confirmed them. It's right there, tangibly. Same thing with the AIDS crisis.. and yet, these movements have taken a backseat to "Going Green."

Personally, I'm not sure why we should bother preserving an earth where stuff like this continues without any intervention.

We've become so obsessed with organic and healthy living, that we neglect to notice the fact that people are dying from preventative, sometimes curable diseases. Yeah, hormones in the milk are scary... I get it. But so is dying from diarhea. But that's not our problem....right.

I know I'm on my soap box here, but really. Think about it. Is anyone surprised that the western world has really taken hold of this global warming fear factor? It fits right in with our fear inspired media: Killer bees. Y2K. The earth melting away because you eat meat.

Meanwhile, as of 2005 (read: 2 freaking years ago) 181,000 people had already died in Sudan.

But my ecological footprint was reduced. Somebody grab me a drink.

now that I've pissed off a lot of people, I'd like to reiterate the fact that I am asupporter of limited consumption, recycling.. etc. Hello, Europe's been doing that for years.

I just have a hard time putting up with crap from people like Al Gore who has a larger eco footprint than George Bush AND uses more energy in a month than most middle tennesseans do in a year. And yet, he wins a Nobel Peace Prize.

Seriously?

If I were a previous Nobel winner, I would be insulted!

Geez, I'm insulted regaurdless.

And ABC "Going to the ends of the Earth" this week? And doing so by encouraging parents to pack organic lunches for their kids?

You've got to be kidding me.

This is Halloween, this is Halloween....

This year Halloween found me:

-Sleeping in! First time in a while!
-Carving (aka: mutilating) a pumpkin
-Watching both Garfield's and Charlie Brown's Halloween Specials.
-Baking & eating pumpkin seeds
-Teaching (and bringing the students candy)
-Making set lists.
-Visiting Walmart. (fitting for Halloween... doesn't get much scarier than that)
-Appeasing the trick-or-treaters. SO CUTE. Actually, I'm not sure which was better, the costumed kids, or Emily freaking out about how cute they were. (she has never had trick-or-treaters)
-Wearing all my clothes.
and
-Staying up till 4am.

Strange that I cannot for the life of me remember what I did last Halloween.

This Just In:

It is possible to remove your underwear without taking off your pants.

Trust me.

Borrowed:

I ran across the blog of a guy that goes to my church recently. No, I was not stalking, but I am really glad that I found my way there, because I found the following post, and for some reason, despite my God issues of late, it really resonated with me...a nice reminder (especially for a musician) that no one and no thing will ever fulfill any of us.

Just as Eve reached for the fruit we are always reaching for something in life to give us fulfillment and meaning outside of Christ himself. In recent years my reaching has taken place in many forms, but the one I have felt convicted about has predominantly taken place in my career as a professional musician.

I moved to Nashville about 6 years ago planning to enter Law School after I graduated college in the hopes of pursuing a sucessful career as an Entertainment Lawyer. About 6 months after living in Nashville I became increasingly involved in pursuing music as a guitar player (getting very sidetracked from my orginal plans of lawschool). About the time I finished my freshmen year I began to consider making a living as a musician much to my Dad's chagrin. I dove head first into working tirelessly at playing around town as much as possible, and by the end of my sophomore year I had a fulltime summer gig touring the country. I continued that route into the school year, skipping many classes in the process, but graduating school 2 years later. After graduation my time on the road did not cease for the next 2 years straight. I calculated it recently and have spent close to 20 of the past 24 months living out of a suitcase; in tour buses and 15 passenger vans all over the country - even to Europe and Australia. Most people, especially those that majored in Music where I went to college, would hear this and think it to be the most fulfilling experience in the world. To be completely honest there were alot of times when there was an undercurrent of feeling completely dissatisfied with my professional career, and at times life in general. I don't mean to say there weren't times when it wasn't enjoyable, because there certainly were great moments. Through it all, however, there was always some kind of under current of things just not "feeling right." Tonight I heard this compared to "The Law of Diminishing Returns." As a business major this made complete sense to me. If we are given 3 units of a product we feel that if we get 3 more units we will be satisfied. However, we can obtain more and more units, and somehow feel even less satisfied than before.

I saw my "Law of Diminishing Returns" about 5 months ago when I had the privilege of playing Madison Square Garden in New York City. There I was, soundchecking, about to play a sold out show at the Garden, and to be honest I felt really empty. For the past 6 years I had been reaching for these kind of experiences to bring me a sense of fulfillment, and yet I was not fulfilled. For all intensive purposes this was like a pinnacle as a working musician, and I felt utterly lonely in that moment. If someone would have told me 5 or 6 years ago how my life musically/professionally would look in the future, I would not have been able to contain the excitement. At that point in my life I believed if I could get a certain gig or accomplish certain things in my music I would find a fulness or quality of life that would bring about a sense of satisfaction. Although, I could tell you since I've been a believer word-for-word "the only thing that will fulfill someone is to look to the cross on a daily basis and spending eternity with him one day." There is still something in all of us, because of our fallen natures that "reaches" for other things; believing that they will somehow give us a quality of life that we would not otherwise have. It's true. We reach for them on a daily basis - sometimes knowingly, many times unknowingly.

The funny part is that I have been off the road now for the past 3 months working as a landscaper in East nashville; living off a quarter of the money I made as a working musician. For the first time in a long while I have really experienced the peace of God in my life. This peace has certainly not come solely as a result of not moving to and fro/not living out of a suitcase for the past 3 months (although logic will admit it certainly has been a luxury as of late), but rather it has come because the gospel, the goodness of God, and the work that was accomplished on the cross; resulting in my justification becoming a much larger reality in my life than it ever has before. My prayer is that as time and life goes on, wherever I end up - playing music professionally for the rest of my life, working a desk job, moving overseas to teach English, or even doing mission work - whatever that may be, that I will continue to be changed from the inside, through Christ's sanctifying work, and as a result of the cross, and the work that was accomplished on Calvary will continue to expand; becoming more and more beautiful in my life every day.

Hope you enjoyed those run on sentences!

Assorted.

--------------------------------------------
So I nanny now and again. This not only means that I spend a good deal of time with children, but that I live in their world now and again as well.

Today I took a 9 month old on a stroll for about 1/2 an hour while his parents went down to "The Club" to have wine and chat with the neighbors.

There they were: the upper class, with their SUV's, miniature castle homes, manicured lawns, bad art, 2.5 kids dressed in J. Crew, pristine petite wives discussing their children while the husbands talked business, equity and the like.

This, more than any child I have ever sat for, scares the crap out of me. Every time I find myself in with the nuevo rich (as I like to call them) I get these mini panic attacks. I'm not sure if it's because a lot of these women aren't even 10 years older than me, or if it's that I know how badly I stick out: my car, my clothes, my height, my caste status.. whatever. I'm not sure.

Don't get me wrong, I hope I never fit that mold. To me, that's settling... which is crazy, since that's what so many people strive for. I dunno what it is, but I'd rather live in a rental home and travel the world, or get an apartment in New York and bum around the village than to find myself looking forward to an evening out at the clubhouse with the neighbors. Maybe it's because I don't have kids. I guess if I adopt someday then I may feel differently. We shall see....
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I'm watching Ryan Adams Live right now. I hope I can write like him someday. (without his drama of course)

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Watched "Vertigo" for the first time today. Muy Bueno!! Go rent it if you haven't seen it yet. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

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Every time I drive out down Hillsboro Pike I get the urge to pull over and run through all those open fields. Even with the cattle. I swear I'm taking a camera and I'm doing it one day.

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I really wish Christians would love each other better someday soon, instead of waiting until the die to try it out. God forbid they attempt to set a positive example and stop using God as their excuse for once.

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I've only missed 2 passes to date as a Banditos receiver. Hell yeah.

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$6 Fish and Chips at Dan McGuinness = smiles.

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Speaking of smiling, I now smile every time my phone rings because I downloaded my very first ringtone: Men at Work "Who Can it Be Now"

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I have to admit... I found this kinda funny:

Gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell welcomed the news about Dumbledore and said: "It's good that children's literature includes the reality of gay people, since we exist in every society.

"But I am disappointed that she did not make Dumbledore's sexuality explicit in the Harry Potter book. Making it obvious would have sent a much more powerful message of understanding and acceptance."

And a spokesman for gay rights group Stonewall added: "It's great that JK has said this. It shows that there's no limit to what gay and lesbian people can do, even being a wizard headmaster."

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I can't stand James Blunt. To the point where I feel guilty... cause well, I don't even know the guy.

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I'm now taking suggestions for a Halloween costume.

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I'm making a Nashville 101 list. Almost done... Stay tuned.

Could someone please explain to me:

How on earth Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize over a woman who saved 2,000 Jewish children from Nazi death camps? I mean... for the love. What is this, the Grammy's? you've got to be kidding me.

I would have made a good mom.

This is Catherine. She is almost 2. She talks a lot and we are friends. I was the first person to ever give her popcorn. (she LOVES it!) We go to Target together.
She comes to visit my kitty cats. She cheers for my football team. (Goooo Banditos!). Her favorite phrases are: "Hello Kitty." "Kitty cat is shy." "Hot stuff" "Shake your body", "Pretty good", and "Uh oh spaghetti ohs."

I have taken her musical education upon myself and am determined to subliminally implant a good taste of music in her at a young age.

So I made her the following mix:

Hey Jude The Beatles
Only the Good Die Young Billy Joel
Blowin' In The Wind Bob Dylan
Good Vibrations Brian Wilson
I Feel The Earth Move Carole King
Yardbird Suite Charlie Parker
Clocks Coldplay
Vivian Danica Mercer
Take Five Dave Brubeck Quartet
Little Brown Jug Glenn Miller Orchestra
Jesus on the Radio Guster
Hide And Seek Imogen Heap
All The Right Reasons The Jayhawks
Hallelujah Jeff Buckley
The Man Comes Around Johnny Cash
Defying Gravity Wicked Soundtrack
He Thinks He'll Keep Her Mary Chapin Carpenter
So What Miles Davis
Smells Like Teen Spirit Nirvana
Every Little Bit Patty Griffin
Another Day In Paradise Phil Collins
Money Pink Floyd
2+2=5 (The Lukewarm) Radiohead
Higher Ground Red Hot Chili Peppers
Go Or Go Ahead Rufus Wainwright
Please Do Not Let Me Go Ryan Adams
Maria Stan Kenton
Sir Duke Stevie Wonder
Seven Swans Sufjan Stevens
O, mio babbino caro Thomas Harper
Learning to Fly Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Fast Car Tracy Chapman
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For U2
Say It Ain't So Weezer
Seven Nation Army The White Stripes
Kamera Wilco

She appears to like musicals. The other day, when Wicked was playing she said to me: "Miss Danica, this is good music." Nice.

Sometimes I get sad when I think about how she will grow up and be hurt and lose a lot of who she is now. But I know she can't stay young for ever.

In the meantime, we plan to have a lot of fun, even though I'll be sad when she outgrows me.

Yesteday she looked at me and said "I love you Miss Danica."
Once I had her down for a nap I proceeded to cry for about an hour.
Not sure what that was about really... but it was awfully sweet of her.

9.27.07

post cleared by author

It's been a year.

That's right, a year ago today I created my 101 in 1001 list.

Granted, I've utterly failed at the original list and technically this isn't a one year anniversary of the list I've been working on, but I can't remember when I revised it, so this will have to do.

To date I have completed 30 of my 101 in 1001 tasks! (32 really, but those 2 aren't "official" yet.. so I'm holding out).

Let's take a photo tour of a few completed tasks, shall we?

See a Sounds Game.

See a Green Bay Packers game.

Return to New York.


Visit Bob and Linda in New Hampshire.

Take a mother daughter trip to Boston

Audition for Disney

Have a secret publiched on postsecret or in one of their books.

Go to the Drive-In

Get really cute Rain boots and go puddle jumping

See a Predators Game.

Ice Skate at Rockefellar Center.

Sleep in the Backyard


AND MANY MORE!

You can track my progress over on the right. Bold items have been completed!

You should all make a list too!!

Another "religious" post: Church visiting.

I've started church-hopping.

In my experience, this has never been a good thing, but I suppose it's better than nothing.

One interesting part of church visiting is getting to see many different traditions at work. One not so interesting part is being asked your opinion about it afterward.

I don't like "summing up" churches. I find it strange to talk about church as if one were rating a movie: "well, I liked this, but I wasn't a fan of this, and this was weird... etc etc." Church should be about worship... and if so, then it really has very little to do with me.

That said, I've had a few people ask me what I thought of my most recent church visit, and after taking several days to mull it over, I thought I would post some general things here, most of which, honestly, have less to do with any specific church and more to do with how the gospel is presented.

The church I typically attend meets in a school on Sunday evenings. The average age is roughly 25. It's a young church. Young in age, young in the faith, young in existence even. It's Presbyterian now, but I try not to get caught up in that. They've named themselves after the city. They are about Jesus. They're about the city. They are about community. They strive to work toward reconciliation, both racial and economical. It's a tad more traditional, they recite the creed, they observe the table every week, etc.

The church I attended this past Sunday meets at a historic house on Sunday mornings. It was also a young church, the average age being roughly 21. Also young in existence, and probably young in the faith as well, though it would be impossible to really know based on one Sunday. They are nondenominational. They've named themselves after an artform. They are about Jesus, and community (and probably other things that become more apparent after more than one visit). It's a tad less traditional. No creed, no weekly table, praise and worship songs, etc.

It's funny to me that the majority of new churches are filled with young people, though I guess it's not entirely surprising. I wonder though. There's a lot to be said about age diversity and having a community that encompasses all ages. It's something my church is working on, and it's something I think all churches should value, specifically new churches, since this seems to be a struggle for them especially.

Another thing I've found interesting is how churches are named now. Back in the day when a church was formed it became "First baptist" or "Ridgeway Methodist" always having the denomination in the name. But now churches don't do that as much, I think it's an attempt to sound more inviting maybe.. perhaps in hopes of not turning people away who have preconceived ideas about a certain denomination. Not a bad idea really.. interesting concept. Who knows, maybe in 5 years I'll start attending "Woven Community" or "Stained Glass Fellowship" or something equally as post-modern.

Non-denominational churches are also on the rise. Personally, I think this is attributed to Christians attempts to be more accessible.. again, trying to break away from individuals' preconceived ideas about any one denominations practicings. Or in some cases, to take the focus off of tradition and ritual and keep things more generalized. There's a lot to be said for either camp. I do think tradition and history is important, but I don't think it's everything.. just like I think accessibility is important, but if it's overemphasized it tends to miss the point.. and then tolerance comes into play...

What can I say? This "business" of church is a little crazy, sadly.

Anyhow, back to last Sunday...

The sermon was over love. How to love. Why denying yourself is of upmost importance, and that learning to deny yourself and choosing to love and serve others is following in Jesus' footsteps, and thus, living out the Christian life. That when you focus on loving and serving well, then you will be blessed.

All of this true. All of this being a great Biblical lesson that everyone should learn, or at best, spend their life trying to learn and live out.

I went hiking the other day. 5 mile trail. Alone. No ipod. Just me. I got to thinking about my recent church visit, and the similarities and differences between this church and the church I typically attend.

There were the obvious things. Both new churches, both young, both relatively small. One more traditional, one less so.. etc. And then I came to the sermon.

In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised to hear almost the exact same sermon at my regular church, which is nice. The only difference was that I have a feeling that my regular church would take the ideology a step further, adn rather than stopping with "Do this, work at this, make this your life and you will experience God's blessing" I think they would have started there.. saying "Do this, work at this, make this your life and you will experience God's blessing... HOWEVER, His blessing may not materialize in ways you might expect."

It might sound cynical and negative, but I do think it's Biblical (and downright honest) that sometimes "blessings" don't come in the ways we hope or plan. Take Stephen for example: He loved, He served and He was stoned to death because of it. And yet.. I'd bet he considered it a blessing in the end.

Do I think Sunday's church was "wrong" to leave out this small, yet important detail? Do I think that my home church is "better" or "more accurate" for pointing it out?

Not necessarily.

I think there are different people who need to hear different things at different times. There are days were I want to go to church and just sit and absorb and not have to think so hard, where, God forgive me, I just want to hear some truisms: that God forgives me, that life is good and things will be fine..etc. And then there are other times: Where I have tried to love. Where I have tried to serve, and yet my life resembles shit, and I'm left wondering where those "blessings" are, if they exist and if they are ever coming, and is it wrong to expect them, and what does that mean? etc.

Lately I've had more of a need for the former, thus my present church (that and I commited to them when I became a member last year, and I'm trying my hardest to honor that).

They say that church shouldn't be comfortable. That it should stretch you and challenge your thinking in addition to rubbing you the wrong way at times.

If these things are true, then I think it's important to have different churches , because obviously different things will stretch and challenge different people. For some it may be more than challenging to hear that loving and serving are primary to christianity, while others may need to be stretched by hearing that just because you love and serve doesn't mean that you are exempt from suffering, and maybe that's God's way of blessing you.

Either way... even if there were only one church per city, and I happened to really dislike the one in my town, I wouldn't be exempt from being a part of that community.. because church is about God, not about me or my preferences, and anywhere He is, I can humble myself to be also.

Babe, don't waste time wondering what he's thinking...

"After I break up with a girl, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. Before you break up, you're agonizing because you're not sure if it's the right decision. That stage can be harder than the actual breaking-up part."
--Shane, 35, photographer

"Frankly, if I dump a girl, it's because I have someone else waiting in the wings. So I'm a happy guy."
--Geoffrey

After the breakup, I usually talk about how great she was in bed -- in deep detail. At that point, it's fair game to kiss and tell."
--Seth, 32, copywriter

I often wind up having sex with my exes. It's always better than the sex you had when you were together because you don't have the relationship baggage anymore."
--Ontario, 26, bartender

"I go out and have sex with any decent girl who hits on me. You have to reaffirm that you've still got it."
--Corey, 26, musician

"I guess my immediate choice is for the opposite kind of girl. If my ex was wild, I want a librarian. If she was chunky, I want Ally McBeal. Then it really feels like a whole new relationship."
--Nick

"I quickly get involved with a girl who's just broken up with someone too; that way we're both in transition. Maybe she's not all that, maybe she loves boy bands, maybe she snorts when she laughs. That's the rebound: You date someone who is reasonably attractive who allows you to have sex with them. Period."
--Sean

I'm not who I was.

Today at work I read half of an article in The New York Times Magazine discussing theology and politics. What I read was quite well written and I may have to go buy the magazine so I can finish.

The article discusses how the Western world has long sought to seperate theology and politics, whereas the majority of the rest of the world, for better or for worse, has not. Obviously the writer goes into great detail fledging out historic timelines and the like.. however, one key point to his piece was this: an individuals view of God, or the idea of "higher beings", directly affects ones ideology in terms of government and rule.

I supppose this isn't a huge revelation or anything. Afterall, it's obvious that a person's thoughts on God, or lack thereof, would reveal themselves through various tangible means. But it got me thinking...

I'm not so sure what to do with God these days (as if there is anything I can do with Him). I'm not sure what to make of Him... and that scares me a little.

Don't misread me: I believe in God. I love God (or try to anyway). I'm all about the Nicene Creed, The Apostles Creed, etc. but at the same time, lately my thoughts toward God involve this feeling of extreme seperation. That God is up there in His world, and I am down here and His "will" is being done regardless of anything I may think or feel or do. I'm sure that makes it sound like I don't believe God cares about people.. and maybe that is what I am saying, but I hope not, because I do think that God cares... I just think His will is more important than my personal feelings.. or whatever.

I find myself constantly coming back to the idea that it isn't a matter of God's capacity or ability.. it's a matter of desire. I'm not saying that God is incapable, that would be a contradxiction of terms. If He wanted things to be different for people, then they would be. So where does that leave us? I'm not sure.

I don't think God is a vending machine, giving us what we want, how we want it, whenever we ask. I know it's holiness over happiness. But what about those situations that harden us, that do anything but make us more "holy"...when we want to believe and have faith, but we don't? When we wait for it to come, but it never does? What of God then?

I know the Bible says that God's plans for us are for good and not for evil, and I don't believe the Bible lies.. but God also hardened Pharoah's heart.. was that for his good? The more I think about it, the more I think that God's plans are for God's good, and hopefully that translates to our good... because ideally we should want the things that he wants, regardless of what that means for us.

I dunno.

I miss the days when I believed. When I believed that God wanted good things for me personally, when I thought that I wanted what He wanted, when I believed that He delighted in my happiness. It never crossed my mind to think that maybe God had lots of painful things in store for me that I wouldn't bounce back from. I never thought to consider that "God's best" could be my worst, which is silly, because God required His own son to die to fullfill His will so that we can be in heaven one day, so why would I assume to be exempt?

Regardless, I wonder where that blind faith and simple belief went. I sometimes wonder if it, like my old self, somehow wandered off or ran to hide, and is now lost and gone forever. I've stopped wondering if I will ever wake up, though I am still desperate to.

Who knows. Maybe I am just sick of christians, or of religion and the idea that it doesn't matter what we do, who we hurt or how we hurt them, because God will just fix it all, so who cares? No regrets. Is it bad that some people call that grace and I, lately, call it bullshit? Yes, grace to a point... but come on. I might as well whore myself out, go get pregnant and abort my baby because I know I can feel guilty and repent later and be off on my way... and the people I screw over on my path to self-awakening? Thanks for the ride, you're in my prayers, no worries, I'm sure God's looking out for you. See you in heaven!

I used to think "religion" was about relationships. Relationship with God, with the church, with community. I thought grace was about God's ultimate sacrifice and acceptance of us, not some "get-out-of-jail-free" license to do whatever we want whenever we want to, to "sin without care, cause hey, God's there!" I thought it was about learning to love and receive love well. And failure. I thought it was about failure and reconciliation and redemption. But I dunno. Christians may be called to reconciliation, but I don't think fallen humans are cut out for it, as we often esteem "reconciliation" to mean tolerant friends/acquaintences...and I am skeptical as to whether or not that's what God meant by it. Who knows. At the end of the day it all gives me a headache, and I find myself wishing there were someone who would explain it to me, or better yet, show it to me. I thought I had a small (albeit miniscule) grasp on how to be that kind of person myself, that maybe just maybe I was headed somewhere close to the right direction... but I was wrong. So so wrong.

And now I find myself stuck. Wishing I could turn back time and be who I was and stop the clock and stay there forever. It's as though I don't want to be who I am becoming, but I have no idea how to stop it. I've caught myself withdrawing in an attempt to avoid feeling. Avoiding church, avoiding friends, avoiding the table, going late and leaving early when I do make it to church... it scares me. I'm working to make myself go lately. It's work... I know that sounds dumb, but it is, and after months upon months of this.. I'm getting worn out.

I miss the Danica that was easily excited and expected good things, rather than being terrified of them. But obviously this is the person I am supposed to be now, because I can't for the life of me seem to shake it, no matter how many times I have tried or how long I have waited or how much I have prayed. I've come to accept that this is where God wants me right now, otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?

But that definitely is not good news for my thoughts on God. It is not good news for my thankfulness level. It is not good news for a lot of things, and I don't know how to fix it. I keep thinking, and hoping that God will get me there, but it doesn't appear to be high on the priority list.. and I'm afraid to assume that it should be. I'll keep hoping though.

And in the mean time, I'll trust that God won't give up on me even though I am really, really struggling with Him right now, and I'll hope that maybe someday I'll be who I was. After all, it wouldn't be the first time God has raised the dead.

"How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart"

mixingmixingmixing

So I received Round 1 of mixing from Andy Hunt last week. After listening to everything a thousand times both Andrew O. and I sent in our comments, and then we received Round 2 today.

Needless to say I could probably recite every glitch and error on every song.

However, I will say that I am proud of my little songs. They've come such a long way.

Sometimes I worry about how "poppy" they may come across. But then I realize that I really don't care. Sure they're produced, but they're produced well, and I think it's saying something if I am pleased with both the stripped AND produced versions of my songs... cause really, my opnion is the one I have to live with.

I'm just ready for everything to be packaged and sealed so I can focus on new things. And I'm ready for September to be here so my band will be back. And I'm ready to not be an insomniac.

Random fragments.

I am sad that The Jayhawks split up. Rainy Day Music is one of my favorite albums.

However, I love the way I can play them on iTunes and when the album finishes it goes straight into Jeff Buckley's Grace. (Which I have finally come to appreciate) I couldn't have planned a better transition. Love when that happens!

I'm setting up my fall schedule this week. I gotta say, it's so nice not having to go to school anymore. I miss some things about it, sure. But for the most part: making my own schedule, working 20-30 hours a week, writing, taking road trips in the middle of the week...being out of school is fabulous! I used to think staying in school was better because you could avoid the "real world" longer. But I think I was wrong. School can be very monopolizing of your time... and being the over-acheiver that I was, well, it got a little crazy there for a while.

Anyhow. I'm sad to be missing Rufus and Neko tonight. And I'm sad that I probably won't get out to see Nickel Creek & Fiona. Tear.

BUT, it looks like I might get to see the Titans/Packers Game in a couple weeks. AWESOME. Now if I could find a way to see OU/Texas.

One last thing... I meant to post about this a month ago, but congrats to James and Jena on their exciting news. You can read their story here: http://jamesandjena.blogspot.com/

(also congrats to: Anita, Ashly W, Haley, Kristen C, Jes, Erin (and ben!), and Drew for tying the knot this summer. Sorry I missed almost all of your weddings)

God,

What were you thinking?

Progress?

Mixing on the project is almost done, and I'm 97% sure that I've got mastering lined up as well. Woohoo!

Being out of the studio now, I've spent some time working on new material. I started one today that is now half finished, and so far I really like it... we'll see how it turns out.

Also, the other day I went over to The Noise to see if we could put down a live/acoustic track... and it went really well! I sat down in front of a mic with the guitar and played through the song a couple times and ended up going with the 2nd take. I'd let you all hear it, but I think I'll tack it on with the work I did at Sputnik last week, so you'll have to wait. Sorry.

Still awaiting the voice-over demo, as well as the compiling of the session demo which probably won't happen till the end of the month. Jeff's project is done, but I've yet to receive a copy... should be interesting.

Shooting for some September show dates once the rest of the band is back in town, though Erin wants me to do some acoustic sets with her, so that may come together a little more quickly. AND it looks like I may have a few acoustic sets in Austin before Thanksgiving. Yay!

Currently enjoying some down time after the past few weeks of craziness. It feels nice to start creating new things. Though I'll admit it's hard to wait as these final pieces come together, as nice as it may be to have a break!

If they knew I existed, I just might win VH1's "Best Week Ever" this week.

Oh my goodness!!!

After much planning my big week is here!!! WOOHOO!!!

I will try and give updates when I can, but with so many projects running right now I really can't make any promises. I will try though.

Quick update:
Finished up Jeff's project this week. Had a couple sessions with Andy and then Saturday was almost 11 hours of photos with Brian, and somewhere in there I managed to work about 30 hours. Nice. Crazy times... I'm gonna be kinda blue once this week is over..(course then the real fun starts) but then I will hopefully be able to sleep (if I can spare the time).

I'll leave you with some shots from the weekend. Brian and Katie did an AMAZING job, and it was a lot of fun. Great work guys, really: Awesome. I'll have a meeting with The Powers That Be sometime after this week to finalize shots and everything.. but here a few of my faves:









And a better look at the makeup job on this. Dang Katie, wow!

So many thoughts, so little time.

post clearred by author

News.

Last weekend I went dancing downtown...and not country dancing... For some reason I thought that clubbing while being unattached would make me feel differently about the whole thing.

I thought wrong.

After uncomfortably dancing through a couple songs with some creepy strangers who probably have girlfriends at home, I successfully managed to escape and spent the rest of the evening hiding in the bathroom changing stalls every few moments to avoid detection. I also did the staff a favor by tidying up the sink area because apparently I am a freak.

There is something seriously wrong with me if I can't manage to enjoy 1 random night out at a club filled with strangers grinding up on each other, right? Most 20 somethings do this often, some of my friends even. What is my problem? Men don't seem to have much of a problem with this. There is always a flock of guys ready to jump the bones of anything that walks in without a penis.. but it's not just men: I watched and there were plenty of women out there dancing their cares away as I was secluded in the stalls. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'd try and be cool watching everyone else out there dancing one and one, drinking, having a good time but then there I'd be with some dude praying "Please God get this creep away from me" as he'd keep dancing me into a wall. And I'm dancing there thinking, "I could have herpes for all this person knows and he keeps getting dangerously close to my mouth. Quick turn your head Danica now! To the left! Now the right! Good grief I could have children! I could be a killer! And no telling who this fella is!" Maybe I just think too much.

I guess I had it coming. I never enjoyed it before. I'm not sure how I let myself think it would be different now, because I'm still the same person. I haven't changed. I haven't created a new identity. Apparently I can't adapt reptile traits and become a chameleon like most people seem thoroughly capable of, and sometimes that sucks.

But I got to thinking, and I realized: maybe it's because I've had the real thing.

The entire night at the club I couldn't help but think about what a cheap substitution it all was for anything truly good or worthwhile. I literally could not get it out of my head. Cheap substitution.

That's the downside to having the real thing. Cause once you've experienced it, anything less only feels like the cheap substitution that it is. You can pretend to be fulfilled through other means, whatever those may be... and you may fool everyone else.. but good luck convincing yourself.

Who knows, maybe someday I will find myself comfortable in the arms of strangers with wandering hands who want to rub their bodies all over me... I highly doubt it, but who knows.

For now, maybe I will start a nightlife washroom service providing fresh paper towels and clean sinks....

In the meantime I'll stick to dance parties at my place.


PS- Another good story is the part about how the first club we went to wouldn't let me in because they didn't think my liscence was real. AWESOME!

An update eventually.. but for now: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

NICKEL CREEK AND FIONA APPLE ANNOUNCE COLLABORATIVE TOUR
Two Groundbreaking Artists Will Share The Stage As Part of Nickel Creek's "Farewell (For Now) Tour"

Visionary singer/songwriter Fiona Apple will join Nickel Creek's "Farewell (For Now) Tour" for what promises to be a highly collaborative series of shows in August.

The dates begin August 2nd in Baltimore MD, and wrap August 19 in Westbury, NY. Shows in Charlotte, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, and a performance at New York's Rumsey Playfield are included. A full itinerary is available on www.nickelcreek.com

The members of Nickel Creek and Apple met several years ago in Los Angeles, and began occasionally working together at the club Largo - an intimate and magnetic music club that has become legendary for stellar lineups and surprise appearances. A loose and friendly musical exchange began with Apple sitting in on Sean and Sara Waktins' ‘anything goes' "Watkins Family Hour," and with either Thile or the Watkins returning the favor whenever possible.

For the August dates, fans will be treated to an expansion of those collaborations developed at Largo. Naturally, material will be pulled from both artists' solo catalogues, but fans can also expect to hear anything from pop standards to country classics to modern rock covers. Apple's presentation will be unique in that she will rely on Nickel Creek for back up during her set.

Fiona Apple established herself as a visionary singer/songwriter at age 19 with 1996's debut album, Tidal. That stunning record went on to earn her a Grammy Award in 1998 for "Best Female Rock Vocal Performance," establishing her as an uncompromising and original artist while gaining intensely loyal fans all over the world. Her latest record, the remarkable Extraordinary Machine, was the highest charting album of her career and drew rave reviews from critics nationwide, with the New York Times and Entertainment Weekly each proclaiming it to be the album of the year.

Nickel Creek announced their forthcoming break via Billboard last year to give their fervent fanbase a chance to see them again. The Grammy-winning band wrapped the first leg of the "Farewell (For Now) Tour" after a highly successful string of shows, including performances at Coachella and the inaugural Stagecoach festival. The second leg of the tour will begin July 13 with longtime friend Glenn Philips as the opener. A final leg in October and November will conclude the tour. Award-winning acoustic bassist Mark Shatz, who has been touring with them since 2003, will accompany the band for the entire tour.

Tour dates with Nickel Creek and Fiona Apple are as follows:
8.02.07 Baltimore, MD Pier Six Concert Pavilion
8.03.07 Glen Allen, VA Innsbrook Pavilion
8.04.07 Charlottesville, VA Charlottesville Pavilion
8.05.07 Charlotte, NC Ovens Auditorium
8.07.07 Columbus, OH The LC Pavillion
8.10.07 Highland Park, IL Ravinia Pavilion
8.11.07 Rochester Hills, MI MeadowBrook Music Festival
8.12.07 Peoria, IL CEFCU Center Stage at the Landing
8.14.07 New York, NY Rumsey Playfield
8.16.07 Rochester, NY High Falls Festival Site
8.17.07 Boston, MA Band of America Pavilion
8.18.07 Philadelphia, PA Mann Center for the Performing Arts
8.19.07 Westbury, NY North Fork Theater

It's dangerous to confuse children with angels.

I watched half of Magnolia last night.

It's been a long time since I've seen that movie. I remember the first time being extremely frustrated by it, but last night things seemed to click into place a bit better. I guess some things just need a second go around before you can really appreciate them.... who knows.

The film deals with two juxstaposing themes: 1. The idea that things are random, that strange things happen all the time. and 2. That the choices we make directly, and drastically affect not only ourselves, but those around us.

With those two things in mind, the movie is pretty incredible. If you spend the movie wondering when the frogs will fall... well, that can ruin it for you.

So with that said, you should watch it if you haven't yet.

I'll leave you with my favorite scene from the movie: A (sad) quote from Earl Partridge on his deathbed:

This is the regret that you make. This is the... regret that you make and the something you take and the blah, blah, blah, something, something... Mistakes like this... you don't make. Sometimes... you make some and OK. Not OK, sometimes, you make other ones. Know that you should do better. I loved Lily. I cheated on her. She was my wife for twenty-three years. And I have a son. And she has cancer. And I'm not there, and he's forced to take care of her. He's fourteen years old. To... to take care of his mother... and watch her die on him. A little kid, and I'm not there. And she does die.

I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I'll die. Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what... the biggest regret of my life... I let my love go. What did I do? I'm sixty-five years old. And I'm ashamed. A million years ago... the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. A little moral story, I say... Love. Love. Love. This fucking life... oh, it's so fucking hard. So long. Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?

And remember kids, "And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

The things you learn on HGTV.

This goes out to the 10 or so of you that are getting married this summer/fall.

Good luck!!
-----------------------------------------

So, I pride myself in the fact that I once planned a wedding with roughly 400 guests for just at (read: barely under) $10,000.

However, there were doubts. Perhaps $10,000 is too much to spend on a wedding... logically, one would think so. $10,000 is quite a bit a money... But when churches charge a minimum of $600 and invitations start at $300... it all adds up pretty quickly, even with just the basic, basic things.

So, imagine my intrigue as I sat channel surfing today while babysitting and I ran across a special on a couple planning a wedding for $10,000! This I had to see.

Would they too struggle to make budget? Would they work to stretch the money as far as it could possibly go? Would they cut item after item after item and still feel guilty and girly planning a big day while secretly wishing they could throw a fun party, without worrying about the money, and really celebrate their love and Gods work in their lives with their families and best friends?

Lo ho ho! The show started with everyone in shock over such a small budget..but they did it. They managed the wedding for $10,000...

...one small difference though..

They had 70 guests. SEVENTY!

They got married in a friends backyard, they had cupcakes instead of cake, and they invited 70 people and they somehow still spent $10,000. AMAZING. Even more amazing: that budget did not include anyone's attire.

I am a thrifty woman! I worked off the same budget, (which I came in under!) and I had more the FIVE TIMES as many guests to deal with!!!

Granted, they served dinner, they had a bar, they had dancing, a dj, all that fun excessive stuff... but still. Aren't weddings supposed to be a celebration of the work that God ahs done? The joining of two lives, two families? Shoudln't you try and spread it out among as many friends and family as possible before piling on the extras? I dunno. ANYWAYS...I worried about being excessive.. I went through the budget over, and over, and over again. I eliminated tons of things that weren't entirely necessary: no dinner, no bar, no dancing, no limos, no rented cars,no personalized napkins, no save the date cards, no RSVP cards, no consultants or planners, lots of fake flowers.. etc. We even made the decorations by hand rather than buying, renting or ordering them because though it was time consuming, we found would could save a lot of money in the end.

Never again can anyone tell me that "huge amounts of money were being spent on things that were so unnecessary."

No.

No.

The truth is, no matter who you are, where you are from, or where your wedding is happening: when it comes to weddings, or any big event really (you should see the price of funerals..$15,000 and up. No joke.) HUGE amounts of money START in the thousands. So how could I have spent "huge amounts of money on things that weren't necessary" if I never in fact spent more than that on any one thing? This just doesn't make sense. At first I thought it was just me, but now the entire Home and Garden network has confirmed it!

In addition, this site: www.costofwedding.com states that:

On average, U.S. couples spend $28,800 for their wedding. This does not include cost for a honeymoon, engagement ring, bridal consultant or wedding planner.

They even offer an estimator that provides an average estimate for weddings depending on your city. FYI, for those of you in OKC, your estimated cost is: $23,900. For those in Nashville yours is: $27,650 and those in San Diego... sorry, but yours is: $31,970. Damn that California cost of living! (really you should all be getting married closer to me anyhow!)

I had 2 things in my planned wedding that cost $1,000: the photographer and the catering. Period. Nothing more expensive... in fact, the freaking CHURCH was the next most expensive thing. Not the dress, not the decorations, not a liquor tab, not a musician fee, Nope. I suppose the church may count as "unnecessary" for some people.. it all depends I suppose.

It's crazy, and you really don't know until you are there yourself.

I've been to a lot of weddings, all across America. Only 1 of which was done for under $10,000.... and that was in Oklahoma obviously.

But it can be done. There's hope, I did it! And apparently so did the couple on HGTV.

Funny thing is, the name of the HGTV show? "Designer Weddings FOR LESS" hahaha they say that $10,000 = for LESS! Wow.

Anyhow... just thought I'd put some actual statistics out there, along with some real life experiece from someone who apparently defied the statistics.

Don't stress, and let me know if you need anything. =)

June 8th.

Today is my last day at work.

Unbelievable!

I sit here, eating some cheese popcorn, drinking my Diet Dr. Pepper, blogging for you dear reader, and I ask myself: Why is it that I am quitting this job?

Oh yes, that's right.. because it's boring, it barely pays the bills and most days I want to cut myself. Not to mention the guilt that stems from doing the aforementioned things while avoiding all the data entry I should be doing. Alright, I suppose that's reason enough.

Anyhow. It's hard to believe that I've been at this job for 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS. It seemed so slow, but now looking backwards, I can't believe that 7 months have gone by. Where did they go? What was I doing? Seriously.

Alas, now I move out into the land of self-employment. the land of "freelancing" the land of "self-solicitation." The land of "part-time work." Ughh. I hate that land too. I have lived in that land before. I was in that land for 6 months after graduation while planning a wedding and being uninsured. Hard times.

But not impossible times. I did it before and I have a feeling it won't be as difficult this time. After all, this time I am insured, and I only have me to worry about. I don't have to stress about supporting 2 people. I don't have the added joyful stress of planning a wedding, or the emotional turmoil of "unplanning" one. I've been paying all my own bills for the past 7 months, so now I have a better idea of my finances and what's required each month. Before it was all sort of ambiguous.. but now that Sallie Mae and I are like next of kin I pretty much know how to handle all of that. I've been writing as if I were a freshman in college again (remember those days?), the band is forming and working things out, I'm an ASCAP member now, and I've got some leads on some session work. I wouldn't say that things are "falling into place" necessarily, but hopefully they are headed in the right direction.

So we'll see what happens.

I've decided this is my new beginning.

Fasten your seat belts, here we go.

Cheers!

Lonely.

"Love. We all crave it. We were made for it, and if we don’t receive it, some essential part of our hearts undoubtedly fades away. To love and be loved are not just innate desires, they are life or death needs.

In North American society and culture where looking "Calm, cool and collected" is considered an asset, the need for love is often believed to be a weakness instead of appreciated as a quality of one’s humanity—made in the image of the God who loves. And so, like the black notebook hiding underneath a seemingly neat and tidy bed, one can put on a mask that asserts to others they, "Have it all together" in an attempt to hide their cavernous inner hunger to be treasured, understood, held, heard ... loved. Whether one is successful at hiding their eternal heartache for love, the fact remains: We all desperately crave love, to give it and to receive it."

I've been pretty lonely lately.

Lonely at home. Lonely at work. Lonely alone. Lonely with groups.

Not debilitating lonely... just, achey lonely.

I miss the friendships that I have lost; and having to accept the fact that they are broken, that they will never be fixed, that they are never coming back has been a hard thing to deal with.

Now I know: I have had an amazing life. I've been to amazing places. I've experienced amazing things. I've done amazing things. I've met amazing people. I've lived out a fabulously tragic love story. Kudos to me.

And yet I find myself lacking. Detatched. And lonely.

Lonely.

Lonely for those friendships that just "are." Those friendships that just "work."

Of course, I'm beginning to wonder whether any of that is true anymore. 99% of those friendships I've experienced have fizzled, faded and died. So maybe they are nonexistent, or perhaps just short lived. Who knows.

All I know is this: I miss feeling protected. I miss having a person to call home. I really miss being able to take care of someone. I miss having someone to tangibly see and sit and talk with at any time on any given day.

And I realize what I miss.

I miss love.

Not in the "I love you." "No, I love you" "no I love YOU" ooey gooey kind of way... but in the comfortable kind of way. The kind of love that is two people sitting together not having to say or do anything, sometimes doing 2 completely different things.

And I know that Jesus is all of those things. But let's be honest, sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes I just want to be held. Tangibly, physicaly held. Most days I need to hear that I am loved. I need to audibly hear it, and from someone other than my family. Of course my family loves me, of course Jesus loves me, they have to! Is it so much to ask to hear it from someone who is choosing to? Someone who will choose to, who won't change their mind later? Does that even exist?

I don't do relationships, but even with friendships I still want someone to walk with me so I'm not walking alone with my thoughts for 2 hours a day. I want someone to watch movies with, to discuss books with, to go get coffee with, to go to church with. I want someone who can sit in front of me and tell me I'm being ridiculous, impulsive and impatient in as loving a way as possible. I want someone who will cry with me. I want someone who will laugh with me. I want someone who will make me laugh. I want someone who can write with me, play out with me, record with me, inspire me, push me to work harder, tell me to take a break, and help me relax. I want someone to go exploring with, someone who can help me understand God and what He's doing, someone who will encourage me, someone who believes in me, someone I can call repeatedly at 2am, someone who will randomly surprise me, someone who will hold me, someone I can fall asleep with on the couch while watching a boring movie...etc.

And I want to be that someone for somebody else. I really do. Oddly enough, I could probably feel fulfilled if I could just be that for someone, even with nothing in return. But I know that's not how it works. That it would work for a while but fail in the end.. and it would be wrong for me to take that road.

Again, I know Jesus Himself is all of those things (and should be all of those things to me), but I guess I just wish he was physically here. After a while, praying and conversing with the people upstairs starts to feel a lot like talking to yourself.

Danica Is:

wondering if anyone else even remembers.

So, I finally watched it.

Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

Sigh. Why can't movies be real life?

I am my own person.

I am my own person. I pay my own bills. I set up my own schedule. I have a degree. I have a job. I have benefits. I have my own friends, my own car, my own computer, my own pets. I live in a house that I picked out and set up the lease on. I go about my day doing both what I need to do, and what I want to do. I feed myself. I pump my own gas. I pick out my own clothes. I set up my own insurance plan, both for my car and my body. I open my own doors. I assemble my own furniture. I make sure my car stays healthy. I set my mind on something that I want and then I do everything humanly possible to make it happen. I am not in need of a missing piece. I am my own person.

That being said,

Sometimes I really just wish I had someone else who is their own person to chearlead for now and again.

Not to mention a cheerleader for me...

This just in:

I put in my notice today.

I just quit my job.

As of June 18th things are going to start looking pretty different around here....

Record Straightening...

The other night I was talking with some friends and RUF (one of my favorite debatable topics) came up. Someone mentioned '..the people that go to RUF are negative." And it was all I could do not to immediately diverge into a dissertation over the various reasons why such a statement is false. This, in and of itself, surprised me because I believed that very statement for quite a while... and sometimes I still do.

When I first went to RUF, I hated it. I went once and never planned on going back. I thought it was boring, pretentious, and a little too fixated on traditionalism. A year or so later, after having become friends with several RUFers, I decided to give it another shot.

I should preface all this by saying that I suppose the church had been leaving a bitter taste in my mouth for a while, and I was constantly struggling with being fed the Joel Osteen spirituality that said "pray for good things and good things will happen." Not that there isn't some truth to that at times, but I don't think it's a commendable (or true) view of the Gospel. So when I came to RUF and met people who were interested in putting their faith into practice by learing what the Bible really had to say, eploring who Jesus really was, working on behalf of the poor, fighting aginst injustice, questioning poor theology, working towards building true communities,and really striving to understand and act out love; I was immediately attracted.

Now I won't lie. I still had (and sometimes still have) issues with some of the elitist overtones and cynial attitudes that I found floating around RUF. And I knew a lot of people on campus had a negative opinion of RUF, so I always made it a point to stay open-minded and understanding as much as possible, because really, it bothered me when I would hear an RUF person start bashing some christian artist or their work or some other denomination. After all, God uses all kinds of things and all kinds of people, why beat your brother down with the plank coming out of your face when you'll only be rejoicing in heaven later? For the love of all that is holy, can't we all just get along?!? But the longer I stayed with RUF and the more people that I got to know on a deeper level, the more I began to realize that a lot of the cynicism and negativity that I found at RUF had more to do with people's personal issues than it did with RUF. Sorta like causation versus coincidence... just because the highest number of deaths and the highest number of ice cream cones sold occur on the same day in the same city, does not mean that one caused the other... it may just mean that it was hot that day, which made some people irritable and some people crave ice cream. I find this to be true of some RUF folks.

It seems that a lot of people find their way to RUF at a time when they are tired of church. They are tired of being fed watered-down half truths about christianity and they are tired of feeling that they are being sold some sort of emotional religious experience in their journey toward learning about God. It may sound stupid, but I was blown away at RUF when I heard that I wasn't a sinner because I sinned, but that I sin because I'm a sinner. I mean, it made so much sense, it all seemed so simple. I wasn't a sinner because I just couldn't seem to make the right decisions at all the right moments, I was a sinner because I was helplessly flawed from the beginning! It wasn't a matter of my failed efforts as much as it was a matter of my flawed character. And who else is capable of redeeming flawed character, but Jesus? Such good news! Now that is the gospel, not: "positive thinking breeds positive results." Not "the more you work on it, the better you'll be."

I think the reason most RUFers are so "hard core" and sometimes viewed as "negative"(toward other denominations especially) is because they have finally found a truth that they feel is worth holding onto, and anything that says otherwise feels like heresay. Do I think that sometimes some people get carried away? absolutely. Just like republicans, and democrats and southern bnaptists and catholics, we are all capable of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But that doesn't make all RUFers "elitists" or "cynical" or "negative."

Cynical people don't offer Jesus or hope to people in despair. Elitists aren't willing to sit with you and listen to you talk out your spiritual questions without any form of disdain or haughtiness. Negative people don't drive halfway across the country bawling their eyes out with a friend who is grieving. Negative people don't reach out and offer hope and prayer and kind words toward someone who has sinned against a fellow brother or sister in christ. Negative people don't bother with calling friends out on their idols and holding them accountable.

I'd say it's far more likely to find negative, cynical people standing at a distance judging things that they themselves haven't fully seen, or running away from something they never took the time to truly explore.

...and who hasn't done that at one point or another?