"Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."
8.29.2005
working title...
Hard to believe it, but this year is already more than half over
I’ve been thinkning about this year... all that’s happened since January.
It’s been kinda intense.
30 Flights. A near death experience. Emotional battle after emotional battle.
Life is rough guys.
But you know what? I was thinking over all this stuff: school, friends, music, Asia, dying, G8, etc, and it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t always about what I was supposed to glean from each encounter, but rather, what each encounter was telling me about myself. Pretty selfish, I know.. but seriously.
Sometimes I feel as though all I do is react to things, and so often it seems as though stuff doesn’t phase me like it should.. but things aren’t always as they seem. I’ve found I compartmentalize well under pressure, but it all bleeds eventually. I’d say this is true of most people, take post traumatic stress for example.
The thing is, I laid down today and thought a lot about these past few months, really forced myself to think about them, and suddenly it became very clear. All these experiences, all these things, all these people... in trying to decipher the meaning behind each situation I had completely missed the point. I was so caught up in trying to figure it all out, that I missed it. Only today did it hit me: perhaps one of the primary reasons behind it all was God’s pursuit of me.
For example:
Almost dying was God’s way of proving His faithfulness and HIs strength to me during one of the scariest times in my life.
Being loved was like a tangible reminder of God’s love for me, His love, His selflessness, His patience, His kindness.
The G8 experience was like God’s way of suprising me. His way of showing that He loves to give good gifts.
My wonderful friends and family are living examples of how God made us to be in community with one another, and how I am not exempt from that.
My periods of lonliness have been gifts of replenishment and reminders of God’s grace, goodness and friendship to me.
F alling in love was God’s way of giving me a glimpse of how much He desires to be known by me. A reminder that He rejoices in my joy and happiness. Again, He loves to give good gifts.
Learning to forgive has been a crash course lesson over God’s grace to me. As if it were God’s way of telling me how important forgiveness is. A reminder of how much my sins break His heart. A lesson in grace, having to learn that to forgive is to love. A conviction in how tremendous God’s love for me is, that He continues to forgive me over and over and over, when I don’t deserve it, and that He could have it no other way simply because HIs love for me is so great (thanks to Jesus) that He can’t not forgive me.
The various times of trial and suffering this year have been different from times of struggle in the past in that this time around I feel like I’ve been able to find some sense of solidarty with Jesus, remembering that He knows what it’s like to suffer (far more than I do!).
It’s scary how you don’t recognize the changes in yourself until you’re looking back. The truth of the matter is that God is so much more “real” to me now, so much more personal today than I allowed Him to be last August. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a relationship for awhile, but I feel like I’ve slowly begun learning how to shut up and let Him contribute to the dialogue as opposed to my constant monologuing.
Through all the drama, both good and bad.. through all the times that God has just pissed me off or made my day, in every circumstance it seems there was something He was trying to tell me about Himself. Something He wanted to relate to me.
It makes me tear up thinking about how God would go to such lengths to share himself with me. That the God who invented the sky and clouds and rain is the same God who continues to pursue me and love me and forgive me whether I deserve it or not. Think about it, finding humans who pursue and love and forgive unselfishly is next to impossible, and yet here is the God of everything, who owes me nothing, to whom I owe everything, and He continues to seek me out, to tell me about Himself, and constantly desires to know me on a personal level.
Pretty amazing.
What will really blow your mind is when you realize that God pursues everyone in this way. Every person on earth.
That’s so awesome.
I’ve been thinkning about this year... all that’s happened since January.
It’s been kinda intense.
30 Flights. A near death experience. Emotional battle after emotional battle.
Life is rough guys.
But you know what? I was thinking over all this stuff: school, friends, music, Asia, dying, G8, etc, and it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t always about what I was supposed to glean from each encounter, but rather, what each encounter was telling me about myself. Pretty selfish, I know.. but seriously.
Sometimes I feel as though all I do is react to things, and so often it seems as though stuff doesn’t phase me like it should.. but things aren’t always as they seem. I’ve found I compartmentalize well under pressure, but it all bleeds eventually. I’d say this is true of most people, take post traumatic stress for example.
The thing is, I laid down today and thought a lot about these past few months, really forced myself to think about them, and suddenly it became very clear. All these experiences, all these things, all these people... in trying to decipher the meaning behind each situation I had completely missed the point. I was so caught up in trying to figure it all out, that I missed it. Only today did it hit me: perhaps one of the primary reasons behind it all was God’s pursuit of me.
For example:
Almost dying was God’s way of proving His faithfulness and HIs strength to me during one of the scariest times in my life.
Being loved was like a tangible reminder of God’s love for me, His love, His selflessness, His patience, His kindness.
The G8 experience was like God’s way of suprising me. His way of showing that He loves to give good gifts.
My wonderful friends and family are living examples of how God made us to be in community with one another, and how I am not exempt from that.
My periods of lonliness have been gifts of replenishment and reminders of God’s grace, goodness and friendship to me.
F alling in love was God’s way of giving me a glimpse of how much He desires to be known by me. A reminder that He rejoices in my joy and happiness. Again, He loves to give good gifts.
Learning to forgive has been a crash course lesson over God’s grace to me. As if it were God’s way of telling me how important forgiveness is. A reminder of how much my sins break His heart. A lesson in grace, having to learn that to forgive is to love. A conviction in how tremendous God’s love for me is, that He continues to forgive me over and over and over, when I don’t deserve it, and that He could have it no other way simply because HIs love for me is so great (thanks to Jesus) that He can’t not forgive me.
The various times of trial and suffering this year have been different from times of struggle in the past in that this time around I feel like I’ve been able to find some sense of solidarty with Jesus, remembering that He knows what it’s like to suffer (far more than I do!).
It’s scary how you don’t recognize the changes in yourself until you’re looking back. The truth of the matter is that God is so much more “real” to me now, so much more personal today than I allowed Him to be last August. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a relationship for awhile, but I feel like I’ve slowly begun learning how to shut up and let Him contribute to the dialogue as opposed to my constant monologuing.
Through all the drama, both good and bad.. through all the times that God has just pissed me off or made my day, in every circumstance it seems there was something He was trying to tell me about Himself. Something He wanted to relate to me.
It makes me tear up thinking about how God would go to such lengths to share himself with me. That the God who invented the sky and clouds and rain is the same God who continues to pursue me and love me and forgive me whether I deserve it or not. Think about it, finding humans who pursue and love and forgive unselfishly is next to impossible, and yet here is the God of everything, who owes me nothing, to whom I owe everything, and He continues to seek me out, to tell me about Himself, and constantly desires to know me on a personal level.
Pretty amazing.
What will really blow your mind is when you realize that God pursues everyone in this way. Every person on earth.
That’s so awesome.
8.28.2005
Gott wird einen Weg machen.
Gott wird einen Weg machen, wo dort scheint, kein Weg zu sein.
Er arbeitet in Wegen, die wir nicht sehen können. Er wird einen Weg für mich machen.
Er wird mein Führer sein. Er hält mich nah zu Seiner Seite.
Mit Liebe und Kraft für jeden neuen Tag, Gott wird einen Weg machen.
Gott wird einen Weg machen.
Er arbeitet in Wegen, die wir nicht sehen können. Er wird einen Weg für mich machen.
Er wird mein Führer sein. Er hält mich nah zu Seiner Seite.
Mit Liebe und Kraft für jeden neuen Tag, Gott wird einen Weg machen.
Gott wird einen Weg machen.
8.26.2005
"What you risk reveals what you value." -Jeanette Winterson
And the cursor awaits... blinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblink
It’s pouring down rain right now, and i’d like nothing more than to go stand in it. Just to stand there as everyone else runs for shelter. How typical.
Sometimes I feel like my life is the same set of events playing over and over again only with new players. It’s as though I’m stuck on some sort of loop or something, dying to get out of the editing room. And there’s nothing to be done about it. Close yourself off and you screw yourself. Let people in and they screw you. I’ve yet to meet an exception. Myself included. I suppose it’s a risk either way, but regardless I’d have to say it’s pretty shitty.
And yet, life goes on. And here I am watching it go by like pointless 30 second tv commercials. I’ve left the stage and become a spectator to my own life, and I gotta say, it’s pretty mundane.
Geez I thought I had moved beyond my cynical phase.
I know it hardly sounds like it, but I’m going to refuse to be a cynic. For real. I will not be “debbie downer.” I will not be “bitter betty.” But I won’t be naive and stupid anymore either.
There’s this quote by Kurt Vonnegut that says “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” I’m not so sure how true this is, because back in the day I used to pretend that things didn’t bother me, and I know for a fact that never became truth. Or maybe that’s just the point. The entire time I was just pretending, thus making me a poser.
It’s hard to say. I don’t think Kurt got it all wrong, I mean, I think that in the long run we are what we choose to be, and I guess sometimes that involves faking it till it’s true. Who knows. Paul says we’re incapable of doing any good on our own, so I guess it all boils down to whether or not I think God is big enough or not. If I’m going to trust him and keep trudging along or not. All I know is that I currently lack the energy to do anything other than pray... and even that is proving challenging.
And the loop continues to roll. Always the same lessons. Will she ever learn?
So all this to say that I’m wary of things, of me, of faith. But this too shall pass. I’ll continue to risk it with God even though I’m not His biggest fan currently, and in the meantime I plan to take Kurt’s words to heart by not pretending to be anything other than me. Whoever that is.
Don’t get me wrong, God is good ya’ll.
And that is not an easy thing to say, so believe it and be satisfied.
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." -Psalms 126:5
It’s pouring down rain right now, and i’d like nothing more than to go stand in it. Just to stand there as everyone else runs for shelter. How typical.
Sometimes I feel like my life is the same set of events playing over and over again only with new players. It’s as though I’m stuck on some sort of loop or something, dying to get out of the editing room. And there’s nothing to be done about it. Close yourself off and you screw yourself. Let people in and they screw you. I’ve yet to meet an exception. Myself included. I suppose it’s a risk either way, but regardless I’d have to say it’s pretty shitty.
And yet, life goes on. And here I am watching it go by like pointless 30 second tv commercials. I’ve left the stage and become a spectator to my own life, and I gotta say, it’s pretty mundane.
Geez I thought I had moved beyond my cynical phase.
I know it hardly sounds like it, but I’m going to refuse to be a cynic. For real. I will not be “debbie downer.” I will not be “bitter betty.” But I won’t be naive and stupid anymore either.
There’s this quote by Kurt Vonnegut that says “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” I’m not so sure how true this is, because back in the day I used to pretend that things didn’t bother me, and I know for a fact that never became truth. Or maybe that’s just the point. The entire time I was just pretending, thus making me a poser.
It’s hard to say. I don’t think Kurt got it all wrong, I mean, I think that in the long run we are what we choose to be, and I guess sometimes that involves faking it till it’s true. Who knows. Paul says we’re incapable of doing any good on our own, so I guess it all boils down to whether or not I think God is big enough or not. If I’m going to trust him and keep trudging along or not. All I know is that I currently lack the energy to do anything other than pray... and even that is proving challenging.
And the loop continues to roll. Always the same lessons. Will she ever learn?
So all this to say that I’m wary of things, of me, of faith. But this too shall pass. I’ll continue to risk it with God even though I’m not His biggest fan currently, and in the meantime I plan to take Kurt’s words to heart by not pretending to be anything other than me. Whoever that is.
Don’t get me wrong, God is good ya’ll.
And that is not an easy thing to say, so believe it and be satisfied.
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." -Psalms 126:5
8.24.2005
8.21.2005
So I had this epiphany last night..
and I thought I'd share..
I was talking about my G8 experience and how it was pretty much one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I was describing how the whole trip kinda felt like this great reward for the past year of work, how it was almost suffocatingly good, far greater than anything I could have dreamed up, and how I totally didn't deserve that kind of reward no matter how much work I did, how it was jsut such a great gift to me... and then it dawned on me.. if the G8/Edinburgh/Live8/NYC was exceptional in my mind, I can't even fathom how completely awesome heaven is going to be. The ultimate gift. I can't even imagine.
This of course makes my previous post look a little silly. but what can I say? I'm human. And yeah, sometimes I do have to convince myself that God's not out to get me... even after I've been blessed by Him first-hand with stupid things that I consider amazing, like the G8 summit... one day I hope to be better. Slowly but surely.
I was talking about my G8 experience and how it was pretty much one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I was describing how the whole trip kinda felt like this great reward for the past year of work, how it was almost suffocatingly good, far greater than anything I could have dreamed up, and how I totally didn't deserve that kind of reward no matter how much work I did, how it was jsut such a great gift to me... and then it dawned on me.. if the G8/Edinburgh/Live8/NYC was exceptional in my mind, I can't even fathom how completely awesome heaven is going to be. The ultimate gift. I can't even imagine.
This of course makes my previous post look a little silly. but what can I say? I'm human. And yeah, sometimes I do have to convince myself that God's not out to get me... even after I've been blessed by Him first-hand with stupid things that I consider amazing, like the G8 summit... one day I hope to be better. Slowly but surely.
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?
Sometimes I have to convince myself that God doesn't hate me.
8.19.2005
Oh the times they are a changin...
Not only did I just finish my last week of summer. Ever.
But my parents sent me an "e-card" wishing me luck with school.
Wow.
That's love folks. That's love.
But my parents sent me an "e-card" wishing me luck with school.
Wow.
That's love folks. That's love.
Word to my homies.
I miss you guys so much. Remember when we were 18 and we started these things to stay in touch when we went away to college? And to think, now college is almost over. That's pretty crazy. So much has changed in 3 years... so much has stayed the same. I'm a stronger person, but I still always seem to find myself coming in second place, and I don't think I'll ever get used to that pain. Ironically, I think I believe in people more than I did right out of high school... or it could be that my expectations are just lower now, it's hard to say.
Funny that we used to think we had it all figured out. Now here we are seniors again, and I don't know about you, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing.... and if I had my way, I'd get us on a plane with a one-way ticket to "anywhere-but-here."
It's cheesy to say that I yearn for you guys, but I do. I'd give anything for any one of you to be here right now. Just to be with someone who knows me, really knows me. Someone who doesn't need convincing. We've seen each other through the good and bad, and I miss having friends like that. I fear the older we get the easier we want our friendships to be, and if that's the case, then I'll probably never find such good friends anywhere else.
Some days I wonder if I ever should have left.
I miss you guys.
Pray for me. I'm not in a good place, and it looks like I'll be there for a while.
Funny that we used to think we had it all figured out. Now here we are seniors again, and I don't know about you, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing.... and if I had my way, I'd get us on a plane with a one-way ticket to "anywhere-but-here."
It's cheesy to say that I yearn for you guys, but I do. I'd give anything for any one of you to be here right now. Just to be with someone who knows me, really knows me. Someone who doesn't need convincing. We've seen each other through the good and bad, and I miss having friends like that. I fear the older we get the easier we want our friendships to be, and if that's the case, then I'll probably never find such good friends anywhere else.
Some days I wonder if I ever should have left.
I miss you guys.
Pray for me. I'm not in a good place, and it looks like I'll be there for a while.
8.17.2005
Hello from RA training...
..for the last time.
The end is coming... a week from today. I can't believe this is the last time I'm gonna be doing this stuff.
Here's a handout we got today that I thought was good.
It's called "The Person Next to You:"
"Who is the person next to you?
You might try to imagine their name, describe how tall the person is, the color of their eyes and hair, what kind of clothes they like, what kind of car they drive, what kind of place they live in...
But none of these can tell you what the person really is.
You see, the person next to you is a unique world of experience- a cluster of past memories and future expectations. The person is that whole colony of people and events that have passed in and out of their life- parents, guardians, teachers, friends, enemies, school, vacations, parties, restrictions.
The person next to you is a world of invisible energy. Nine-tenths of the person's potential has not been tapped. The person has the capacity and the right to choose, to decide, to act, to accept responsibility, and to turn away...
The person next to you doesn't like themself very much and, in reply to the vast impersonality of this continent, finds it hard to like others, as well. Deep within the person is a great concern for integrity- the need to be, to express- 'this is who I am and what I can become.' The person needs and wants to be known- not just on the surface but at a level deeper than words.
The person next to you is suffering and laughing, fearful and sure, wandering and content, shy and outgoing, asking questions and working for solutions- looking for respect, looking for love, looking for acceptance, looking for you... to reach out and care..."
The end is coming... a week from today. I can't believe this is the last time I'm gonna be doing this stuff.
Here's a handout we got today that I thought was good.
It's called "The Person Next to You:"
"Who is the person next to you?
You might try to imagine their name, describe how tall the person is, the color of their eyes and hair, what kind of clothes they like, what kind of car they drive, what kind of place they live in...
But none of these can tell you what the person really is.
You see, the person next to you is a unique world of experience- a cluster of past memories and future expectations. The person is that whole colony of people and events that have passed in and out of their life- parents, guardians, teachers, friends, enemies, school, vacations, parties, restrictions.
The person next to you is a world of invisible energy. Nine-tenths of the person's potential has not been tapped. The person has the capacity and the right to choose, to decide, to act, to accept responsibility, and to turn away...
The person next to you doesn't like themself very much and, in reply to the vast impersonality of this continent, finds it hard to like others, as well. Deep within the person is a great concern for integrity- the need to be, to express- 'this is who I am and what I can become.' The person needs and wants to be known- not just on the surface but at a level deeper than words.
The person next to you is suffering and laughing, fearful and sure, wandering and content, shy and outgoing, asking questions and working for solutions- looking for respect, looking for love, looking for acceptance, looking for you... to reach out and care..."
8.16.2005
yup, still growing. (addendum to the previous post)
Even on a smaller level, it just makes sense to take care of yourself. Not at the expense of others or anything... but just having common sense enough not to work yourself to death. I was much too busy last year. I really don't think it was a healthy thing. This year in honor of learning to take better care of myself, I am going to start delegating tasks instead of trying to tackle everything by myself. God made millions of capable people, and I'm blessed to know several of them personally. I've decided it's time to lay down my pride and accept help now and then... besides, 9 months from now I won't be in charge of anything anymore, and I need to be sure that those who follow me feel adequate and prepared! (because they are, they probably just don't feel like it because I tend to try and do everything single-handedly unstead of relying on them when I should) Along these same lines, I'm making it a point to say 'no' more often. I'm stubborn, but I'm still a sucker who is easily swayed and guiilted into feeling like I HAVE to be involved in everything. I'm learning this lesson the hard way. Never saying 'no' last year led me to be sick all the time and ditch too much school. I can't be irresponsible forever, and honestly, it just isn't taking care of myself. I want to have fun this year. I want to enjoy myself and to not be stressed out all the time. Maybe that's impossible.. who knows. I guess I just feel like these next 9 months are my last chance before "the real world," whatever that is, and I feel the need to enjoy it while it lasts. I have my whole life to over-work myself, to stress over bills, to hate my job... etc etc. I'm not trying to shirk off being responsible or anything, I just don't want to look back in 10 years and regret that I worked too much and didn't spend time being a "college student." Besides, at the rate I've been going, sometimes I wonder if I'll live another 10 years.
look at me, I’m growing.
So. New year = New goals. My number one goal this year is to learn to love myself better. How conceited! For real ya’ll. Today I sat through this seminar on “Individual Worth”.. and I was thinking it would be over how to promote a sense of “worth” in others. Wrong! The majority of the seminar focused on how we must recognize and grow a sense of “worth” in ourselves so that in turn we can bring it out in others. Tough stuff. I gotta say, it was one of the most uncomfortable hours in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’d say I have a good deal of confidence when I need it... but man, if people only knew. That’s the battleground people. Unfortunately/thankfully, I’m not alone in this. Most people have issues with this very thing at some point or another.
But I got to thinking. The phrase “Love your neighbors as you love yourself” appears 8 times in the Bible. Eight. That’s pretty big stuff. And what does it say about my ability to love others well if I can’t even love myself well? If I can’t learn to love and appreciate what God is doing in me, even through struggle, then how can I learn to love and appreciate it in others? If I choose to whine and complain to God asking for stronger talents or better or different skills rather than praising Him for the gifts he has already graciously given me, then how can I possibly motivate others to use their gifts well? If I waste time avoiding certain gifts because I don’t feel adequate in them, how can I as a leader expect others to do any differently? If I can’t let God love me, how can I ever love anyone? How can I ever let anyone love me? If I can’t let God forgive me, how can I ever forgive anyone? How can I expect others to forgive me?
Again, it’s tough stuff. But I’m moving it out of the subconscious and into the front lines this year. I’ve come a long way this past year... but I can’t even imagine the possibilities if I would just let go of the “ideal” and embrace the work of art God has in progress right now.
Who’s with me?
“For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”-GALATIANS 5:14
But I got to thinking. The phrase “Love your neighbors as you love yourself” appears 8 times in the Bible. Eight. That’s pretty big stuff. And what does it say about my ability to love others well if I can’t even love myself well? If I can’t learn to love and appreciate what God is doing in me, even through struggle, then how can I learn to love and appreciate it in others? If I choose to whine and complain to God asking for stronger talents or better or different skills rather than praising Him for the gifts he has already graciously given me, then how can I possibly motivate others to use their gifts well? If I waste time avoiding certain gifts because I don’t feel adequate in them, how can I as a leader expect others to do any differently? If I can’t let God love me, how can I ever love anyone? How can I ever let anyone love me? If I can’t let God forgive me, how can I ever forgive anyone? How can I expect others to forgive me?
Again, it’s tough stuff. But I’m moving it out of the subconscious and into the front lines this year. I’ve come a long way this past year... but I can’t even imagine the possibilities if I would just let go of the “ideal” and embrace the work of art God has in progress right now.
Who’s with me?
“For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”-GALATIANS 5:14
8.15.2005
i heart hamlet.
"Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
-Will.
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
-Will.
8.14.2005
"None of us can change our yesterdays, but we can change our tomorrows." -Buddha
So I’m sitting here on my couch enjoying one the last remaining days of summer. And what a summer it’s been, huh? Quite the ride I must say. As hard as life can be sometimes (and believe me, it can be damn hard) it’s unescapable how blessed I am, and how much God has given me and taught me this summer. Yeah, I’ve still got issues with Him, but I’ll come around. I have to. I want to.
In the midst of the summer madness I’ve developed a semi-healthy shoe addiction, found a favorite brand of hummus, treated myself to sushi a number of times, and been completely thrilled by the fact that not only is Blue Bell now being sold in Tennessee, but Ben and Jerry’s has FINALLY started selling their “oatmeal cookie crunch” in pints. Yay.
I still cannot believe that students move back in less than a week, and that school is starting a week from Wednesday. My eventful summer flew by, and I don’t feel rested... and I definitely don’t feel prepared. But oh well. 9 months and it’s over. I’m not sure whether to add a “Thank God” or an “Oh my God” after that.. either way God is key for me to get through all this with any sense of direction or sanity... hopefully both.
I’m sad that my last summer of freedom is over. But ‘adulthood’ has already started chasing me down, and I can’t run forever. As much as I’d like to. Despite the end of summer and the beginning of school, I look forward to fall. Cooler air, football games, longsleeved shirts, leaves, pumpkins, halloween, holidays... good times I hope.
Wow. I’m not going to be in school next year.
We’re in the middle of RA Training / Leadership Training which means I’ve moved a lot of furniture in Hillside, sat through my share of “motivational lectures,” surveyed about 40 rooms, made a few too many decorations, and had some time to spend too much time with the new RA staff for Bruin Hills. Luckily I think they are all amazing and I look forward to working with all of them. One of our girls spent a month in South Africa this summer and met Jena Lee (from blood:water mission) while she was there, and one of our guys showed up wearing a ONE bracelet.. come to find out that he followed the ONE campaign all summer from the Live 8 shows to the G8 and everything. Another guy writes for “The Vision” though.. so that’s points off.. but the opportunist in me can’t help but see the possibilities in that situation. Anyhow, they’re all marvelous. They let me bitch about Wal Mart, and that’s just awesome.
I refuse to let this be a bad year.
My last senior year still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth in so many ways. I cannot live through that hell again, and the last thing I need is a reason to run away from a place and a people that I love so much. So I refuse to wait for one. I refuse to look for an excuse to escape... and maybe one will find me anyway, maybe it’s unavoidable. But it won’t be because I gave up.
So I will believe.
And I will have confidence if it kills me.
And I will trust that God dreams bigger than I do.
because He does.
And I’ll do my “ep” of sorts by Christmas.
In the midst of the summer madness I’ve developed a semi-healthy shoe addiction, found a favorite brand of hummus, treated myself to sushi a number of times, and been completely thrilled by the fact that not only is Blue Bell now being sold in Tennessee, but Ben and Jerry’s has FINALLY started selling their “oatmeal cookie crunch” in pints. Yay.
I still cannot believe that students move back in less than a week, and that school is starting a week from Wednesday. My eventful summer flew by, and I don’t feel rested... and I definitely don’t feel prepared. But oh well. 9 months and it’s over. I’m not sure whether to add a “Thank God” or an “Oh my God” after that.. either way God is key for me to get through all this with any sense of direction or sanity... hopefully both.
I’m sad that my last summer of freedom is over. But ‘adulthood’ has already started chasing me down, and I can’t run forever. As much as I’d like to. Despite the end of summer and the beginning of school, I look forward to fall. Cooler air, football games, longsleeved shirts, leaves, pumpkins, halloween, holidays... good times I hope.
Wow. I’m not going to be in school next year.
We’re in the middle of RA Training / Leadership Training which means I’ve moved a lot of furniture in Hillside, sat through my share of “motivational lectures,” surveyed about 40 rooms, made a few too many decorations, and had some time to spend too much time with the new RA staff for Bruin Hills. Luckily I think they are all amazing and I look forward to working with all of them. One of our girls spent a month in South Africa this summer and met Jena Lee (from blood:water mission) while she was there, and one of our guys showed up wearing a ONE bracelet.. come to find out that he followed the ONE campaign all summer from the Live 8 shows to the G8 and everything. Another guy writes for “The Vision” though.. so that’s points off.. but the opportunist in me can’t help but see the possibilities in that situation. Anyhow, they’re all marvelous. They let me bitch about Wal Mart, and that’s just awesome.
I refuse to let this be a bad year.
My last senior year still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth in so many ways. I cannot live through that hell again, and the last thing I need is a reason to run away from a place and a people that I love so much. So I refuse to wait for one. I refuse to look for an excuse to escape... and maybe one will find me anyway, maybe it’s unavoidable. But it won’t be because I gave up.
So I will believe.
And I will have confidence if it kills me.
And I will trust that God dreams bigger than I do.
because He does.
And I’ll do my “ep” of sorts by Christmas.
8.13.2005
Update
Granddad has pulled through, and looks like he will be doing fine even though complications caused his surgery to last twice as long as it was supposed to have lasted (they even had to reopen him up). So it was dire for a while there. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts.
No news with mom yet, but we're not excessively worried.
No news with mom yet, but we're not excessively worried.
8.11.2005
Weary.
And life continues to wear me down.
They're running cancer tests on mom again.
Grandad's having an emergency quadruple bypass surgery in 30 minutes.
There is nothing normal in my life right now, I'm tired of everything being one big question mark.
I'm tired of hurting.
And it's been a long time since I've felt this alone.
They're running cancer tests on mom again.
Grandad's having an emergency quadruple bypass surgery in 30 minutes.
There is nothing normal in my life right now, I'm tired of everything being one big question mark.
I'm tired of hurting.
And it's been a long time since I've felt this alone.
8.08.2005
Life is both a major and a minor key.
...and I still don't understand a thing.
"Remember, hope is a good thing... Maybe even the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
"Remember, hope is a good thing... Maybe even the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
I feel ya, Lt. Dan.
"Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee when sorrows rise.
On Thee when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies.
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal,
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel.
But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine.
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline.
Yet gracious God where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust.
And still my soul would cleave to Thee.
Though prostrate in the dust.
Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer.
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there.
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat.
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet.
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat.
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet."
Sometimes God really pisses me off. I won't lie. Sometimes it is really hard for me to understand why He lets things happen as they do. Why He lets his children suffer. It's a hard thing to grasp.. Remembering Asia, I think about the survivors of the tsunami and I wonder if they are really any better off than those who died. The lives of oppression and poverty that they are destined for... and through it all God bids them to "seek His face," even though their situation will most likely never change, and some of them will watch their children die, and all will die too soon. I struggle with why God expects love, trust, and respect from those on whom He inflicts pain and sufferring, many of which are innocent and suffer simply because they were unlucky enough to be born in a certain region. Sometimes I wonder if He knew how difficult it would be for people to come running to Him seeking comfort knowing that He could have spared them in the first place.
And then I remember Jesus. Jesus who knew suffering. Jesus who knew pain. Jesus who knew betrayal. Jesus who really and truly was innocent. Jesus who could have spared himself but didn't so that I could have the freedom to struggle with this. And I am reminded that because of Jesus, God understands how we feel... however that may be.
And honestly, the whole "God-sending-His-son-to-earth-to-save-the-world" thing is overwhelming and mind-blowing... but sometimes, what really takes my breath away is the fact that God also sent His son to earth to die so that He could "relate" to us. That's pretty dang amazing. Amazing enough to give me the strength to run to HIm even when I feel betrayed by Him, hurt by Him, or angry at Him.
"Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer.
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there."
On Thee when sorrows rise.
On Thee when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies.
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal,
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel.
But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine.
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline.
Yet gracious God where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust.
And still my soul would cleave to Thee.
Though prostrate in the dust.
Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer.
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there.
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat.
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet.
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat.
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet."
Sometimes God really pisses me off. I won't lie. Sometimes it is really hard for me to understand why He lets things happen as they do. Why He lets his children suffer. It's a hard thing to grasp.. Remembering Asia, I think about the survivors of the tsunami and I wonder if they are really any better off than those who died. The lives of oppression and poverty that they are destined for... and through it all God bids them to "seek His face," even though their situation will most likely never change, and some of them will watch their children die, and all will die too soon. I struggle with why God expects love, trust, and respect from those on whom He inflicts pain and sufferring, many of which are innocent and suffer simply because they were unlucky enough to be born in a certain region. Sometimes I wonder if He knew how difficult it would be for people to come running to Him seeking comfort knowing that He could have spared them in the first place.
And then I remember Jesus. Jesus who knew suffering. Jesus who knew pain. Jesus who knew betrayal. Jesus who really and truly was innocent. Jesus who could have spared himself but didn't so that I could have the freedom to struggle with this. And I am reminded that because of Jesus, God understands how we feel... however that may be.
And honestly, the whole "God-sending-His-son-to-earth-to-save-the-world" thing is overwhelming and mind-blowing... but sometimes, what really takes my breath away is the fact that God also sent His son to earth to die so that He could "relate" to us. That's pretty dang amazing. Amazing enough to give me the strength to run to HIm even when I feel betrayed by Him, hurt by Him, or angry at Him.
"Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer.
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there."
8.02.2005
Happy Half A Century Dad!
...even though he doesn't read this. =)
Had a nice time with the family this weekend. Short stay... bittersweet, but that's life I guess. I avoided speaking in church and managed to lay low the majority of the time. It's strange being home less and less now... I guess the jury is still out on that one.
Le Grandparents....
Le Parents....
Le Brother...(minus 6 years)
Had a nice time with the family this weekend. Short stay... bittersweet, but that's life I guess. I avoided speaking in church and managed to lay low the majority of the time. It's strange being home less and less now... I guess the jury is still out on that one.
Le Grandparents....
Le Parents....
Le Brother...(minus 6 years)
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