So I'm sitting in Music History II right now, and we are listening to some Italian opera samples, and they just put in Verdi's "Nabucco", which is totally taking me back to Germany, because when I stayed with the Hessenthaler's they used to to loan me thier old school opera CD's and this was one of them. ahhh sad. =(
Überraschen, die Kraft von einem Lied... tödlich, die Kraft von einer Erinnerung.
I used to sit in the window of my room with the headphones on late at night and look out at the sky. Sometimes I wonder how many windows I've looked out of throughout my life. Windows on planes, on buses, in cars, in classrooms, at hotels, strange houses, different homes around the world.
Ahhh now they're playing Verdi's "Rigoletto"... oh "Aida".... "La Traviata"
This is getting depressing.
I'll be back... DC gave me plenty to talk about.
“I have come to believe that by and large the human family all has the same secrets, which are both very telling and very important to tell. They are telling in the sense that they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition - that what we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.” - Frederick Buechner
2.28.2005
2.23.2005
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
So I meant to talk about this a couple of days ago, but I got sidetracked... so allow me, if you will, to back track to Valentine's Day.
I spent the lovely evening at the apartment of a friend and together we had dinner with an amazing group of 9 fabulous females. It wasn't a time of boy-bashing, or self-pitying.. instead it was a time of sharing who were are and where we are all at in our lives and where it is we think we might be going. I have to say, I found it to be extremely empowering. There I was in a room with some of the most talented and motivated people I have ever met in my life, and none of us were dependent on another person for our happiness, none of us had a specific plan laid out for our lives, and yet there we were 9 strangers randomly connected by one circumstance or another. Together we represented 7 different states... it was amazing to hear how God had taken us from various places and brought us all here to Nashville, TN.
Maybe it's the fact that most of the girls I grew up with are married or having kids (or both), maybe it's the idea that where I'm from girls, go to college and get married and hopefully get a degree... but even as a single woman who has never subscribed to that philosophy, sometimes it's hard not to feel 'unsuccessful" when all of your friends are planning families and weddings and preparing casserols and meanwhile you have no idea what classes to take next spring, much less what the next 5 years will look like.
For a long time I went around saying that I would never get married.. that I would live to be a cat lady in a New York apartment where all the local children would call me auntie and come have tea with me in the afternoons. Granted, part of me was joking... but slowly I began to realize that I was obviously using this as an excuse, so that in case this actually happened, it wouldn't take me off gaurd... so that people would think that was the way I had planned it in case no one ever wanted me. It probably sounds stupid, but yeah, that's how my mind works sometimes.
These past few months God has been slowly showing me what it is that I really want out of life, and suprisingly enough.. it isn't things that I used to dream of as a teenager... in fact, He's probably spent more time showing me what it is that I DON'T want.. leaving the dreaming and scheming up to Him.
I don't want a lot of money, I don't want fame, I don't want a huge house, I don't even want to own a car that costs more than my yearly tuition, I don't want a platinum TV, I don't want a swimming pool.. etc etc.
Granted.. if God blessed me with money and fame and what not, then I pray that He would show me how to handle that in a proper manner.. (cause they certainly bring demons of their own.. even with the best intentions) but it's not something I feel the need to strive for, or even to ask for, for that matter.
I've finally come to a point in my life where I feel safe admitting that I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have love, and family, and friends until the day I die. It may sound strange, but I've never been able to really say that out loud before. It was as if I thought admitting it would garuntee that it would never happen. (or worse, that people would assume that I had turned into one of those "flighty" girls whose ultimate goal in life was to get married) But for the first time ever, I'm at a place where I feel as though I'd be fine either way. I'm not going to lash out against God if I turn out to be single forever. The idea doesn't thrill me, but if I've learned anything, it's that God knows what I need and what I want and what He wants from me, and I... well, I don't.
So because of this, I don't feel the need to try and "save face" by acting as though marriage and family aren't a big deal to me. They are a big deal, and hopefully someday I'll enjoy them, but if not, then God has other things in store.
Haha.. it just dawned on me that RUF is supposed to be over relationships tonight, and chances are that I'll go hear the proper way to process this stuff and well... hopefully I'm not too far of base here. In my own defense my more intensive thoughts on the relationship kunundrum can be found HERE (scroll to 11-14 "pet peeve #98745" yup... that's the one.. ohh how we remember it well... haha)
Anyhow, I know some of us talked about our church experiences as of late, but I suppose I'll just reitterate how much Sunday meant to me. God's really been dealing with me and my feelings of inadequacy and "barreness" in terms of music and life and relationships and pretty much everything as of late. As most of you have shared, I too have felt helplesely trapped lately. As though everything in my life is on hold, in limbo, waiting for something, for anything, and meanwhile the world keeps moving, all while I'm sitting still, accomplishing nothing. So Sunday comes and and the sermon is over Abraham and Sarah. (We all know the tale, the barren woman and the man with no land to cultivate living in a time where God's tells man to be fruitful and multiply and to work the land) Anyhow, the message was simple, basically reminding us to look to the sky and remember God's promise. I know it sounds cheesy, but there I was: barren, unproductive, with no idea what to do or where to go or even how to fully let myself trust that God had a distinct plan and a purpose for me... and it was just what I needed to hear. That A: millions have fought this same battle before me, B: God keeps his promises and C: that if we had what we needed to accomplish our dreams and goals and whatnot.. then we wouldn't need Jesus (or think that we needed Him..).
So I know this post has been all over the place, but in my head all of these situations are extremely entertwined. basically it all boils down to me being able to let it all go and have a little faith.. to rest in the fact that "unsuccessful" by today's standards simply translates into "immense potential" in God language.
Well, this is the end I guess... I feel really vulnerable writing all this out, (and not because it's a public site, because trust me, I could fill fill libraries with all my thoughts and opinions and questions and realizations and the details of my life that I would never post... honestly, this is nothing in comparision to what it could be...plus, there's nothing here that I wouldn't share with anyone who asked) but because.. well I dunno.. those of you who know me know what a step this is for me... I'm sure I lost half of you when you passed out after the "I want to get married" sentence... or maybe you knew I was posing all along.
I've always been a bad liar. =)
I spent the lovely evening at the apartment of a friend and together we had dinner with an amazing group of 9 fabulous females. It wasn't a time of boy-bashing, or self-pitying.. instead it was a time of sharing who were are and where we are all at in our lives and where it is we think we might be going. I have to say, I found it to be extremely empowering. There I was in a room with some of the most talented and motivated people I have ever met in my life, and none of us were dependent on another person for our happiness, none of us had a specific plan laid out for our lives, and yet there we were 9 strangers randomly connected by one circumstance or another. Together we represented 7 different states... it was amazing to hear how God had taken us from various places and brought us all here to Nashville, TN.
Maybe it's the fact that most of the girls I grew up with are married or having kids (or both), maybe it's the idea that where I'm from girls, go to college and get married and hopefully get a degree... but even as a single woman who has never subscribed to that philosophy, sometimes it's hard not to feel 'unsuccessful" when all of your friends are planning families and weddings and preparing casserols and meanwhile you have no idea what classes to take next spring, much less what the next 5 years will look like.
For a long time I went around saying that I would never get married.. that I would live to be a cat lady in a New York apartment where all the local children would call me auntie and come have tea with me in the afternoons. Granted, part of me was joking... but slowly I began to realize that I was obviously using this as an excuse, so that in case this actually happened, it wouldn't take me off gaurd... so that people would think that was the way I had planned it in case no one ever wanted me. It probably sounds stupid, but yeah, that's how my mind works sometimes.
These past few months God has been slowly showing me what it is that I really want out of life, and suprisingly enough.. it isn't things that I used to dream of as a teenager... in fact, He's probably spent more time showing me what it is that I DON'T want.. leaving the dreaming and scheming up to Him.
I don't want a lot of money, I don't want fame, I don't want a huge house, I don't even want to own a car that costs more than my yearly tuition, I don't want a platinum TV, I don't want a swimming pool.. etc etc.
Granted.. if God blessed me with money and fame and what not, then I pray that He would show me how to handle that in a proper manner.. (cause they certainly bring demons of their own.. even with the best intentions) but it's not something I feel the need to strive for, or even to ask for, for that matter.
I've finally come to a point in my life where I feel safe admitting that I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have love, and family, and friends until the day I die. It may sound strange, but I've never been able to really say that out loud before. It was as if I thought admitting it would garuntee that it would never happen. (or worse, that people would assume that I had turned into one of those "flighty" girls whose ultimate goal in life was to get married) But for the first time ever, I'm at a place where I feel as though I'd be fine either way. I'm not going to lash out against God if I turn out to be single forever. The idea doesn't thrill me, but if I've learned anything, it's that God knows what I need and what I want and what He wants from me, and I... well, I don't.
So because of this, I don't feel the need to try and "save face" by acting as though marriage and family aren't a big deal to me. They are a big deal, and hopefully someday I'll enjoy them, but if not, then God has other things in store.
Haha.. it just dawned on me that RUF is supposed to be over relationships tonight, and chances are that I'll go hear the proper way to process this stuff and well... hopefully I'm not too far of base here. In my own defense my more intensive thoughts on the relationship kunundrum can be found HERE (scroll to 11-14 "pet peeve #98745" yup... that's the one.. ohh how we remember it well... haha)
Anyhow, I know some of us talked about our church experiences as of late, but I suppose I'll just reitterate how much Sunday meant to me. God's really been dealing with me and my feelings of inadequacy and "barreness" in terms of music and life and relationships and pretty much everything as of late. As most of you have shared, I too have felt helplesely trapped lately. As though everything in my life is on hold, in limbo, waiting for something, for anything, and meanwhile the world keeps moving, all while I'm sitting still, accomplishing nothing. So Sunday comes and and the sermon is over Abraham and Sarah. (We all know the tale, the barren woman and the man with no land to cultivate living in a time where God's tells man to be fruitful and multiply and to work the land) Anyhow, the message was simple, basically reminding us to look to the sky and remember God's promise. I know it sounds cheesy, but there I was: barren, unproductive, with no idea what to do or where to go or even how to fully let myself trust that God had a distinct plan and a purpose for me... and it was just what I needed to hear. That A: millions have fought this same battle before me, B: God keeps his promises and C: that if we had what we needed to accomplish our dreams and goals and whatnot.. then we wouldn't need Jesus (or think that we needed Him..).
So I know this post has been all over the place, but in my head all of these situations are extremely entertwined. basically it all boils down to me being able to let it all go and have a little faith.. to rest in the fact that "unsuccessful" by today's standards simply translates into "immense potential" in God language.
Well, this is the end I guess... I feel really vulnerable writing all this out, (and not because it's a public site, because trust me, I could fill fill libraries with all my thoughts and opinions and questions and realizations and the details of my life that I would never post... honestly, this is nothing in comparision to what it could be...plus, there's nothing here that I wouldn't share with anyone who asked) but because.. well I dunno.. those of you who know me know what a step this is for me... I'm sure I lost half of you when you passed out after the "I want to get married" sentence... or maybe you knew I was posing all along.
I've always been a bad liar. =)
2.20.2005
On a lighter note...
So I realize that things have been a bit "heavy" on here lately... and in an attempt to remind the world that I am not an "introspective downer" all of the time, I've decided to copy my friend Blake, who probably copied someone else, and posted a list of 100 random things about himself! Now I'm sure most of us remember how much I like lists, and how could anyone forget how random I tend to be? (Not to mention how much time I have to waste, and how I am an expert when it comes to random info about my life..)
So anyhow.. assuming I haven't bored you to death, stick around.. cause I'm sure I'll lose most of you by #58.
Here goes nothing...
100 things about me
1. My name is Danica Faith Mercer
2. That's "day-nick-uh"
3. I'm on a mission to get people to pronounce my name correctly... but sometimes I'm too nice and I don't correct people.
4. I tend to be "too nice" too often.
5. But don't let that fool you, cause I will argue with you if it's something I'm passionate about.
6. I have 1 brother, his name is Josh, and he is great.
7. I have 2 cats, Valentine and Pawdukes.
8. I had a cat named simba, but he died. =(
9. I love dogs too, but we've had 2 die on us, and then we moved and we don't really have a fence now, so we can't get one.
10. I was born in New Hampshire.
11. We moved to the great state of Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain) when I was 3, and we've been there ever since.
12. I grew up in Yukon, OK.. (home of Garth Brooks) and I lived in a housing development called Surrey Hills
13. In middle school everyone called us "surrey snobs" because we had bigger houses than most of Yukon, and everyone thought we were rich. (which we weren't)
14. I used to act as though that bugged me, but secretly I liked it because I was a complete nerd and it was a rarity to have other people be jealous of me for anything.
15. Contrary to popular belief, I'm easily intimidated.
16. But I am persistant.. so I've got that going for me.
17. Sometimes I can be sarcastic
18. Ok, so a lot of the time I can be sarcastic.. but I'm working on it...
19. I was in 11 musicals in high school
20. I did ballet, tap and jazz through elementary school
21. My mom is one of the coolest persons I know
22. I’ve only had 1 boyfriend, but in my defense, he took up a lot of time.
23. I’ve only been in love once, and that was questionable...
24. The last guy I kissed is married.
26. I have asked guys out before
27. and thank goodness I wasn't rejected
28. but believe me, I have been rejected
29. I’ve never cheated on a significant other
30. And as far as I know, I've never been cheated on
31. But once I found out that a certain person cheated on someone else with me...though i had no idea at the time.
32. I've had several strange jobs
33. I've been a limo driver
34. I've been a telemarketer
35. I worked security for all the Superbowl events in San Diego 2 years ago
36. But for the actual game, I went to the Super Bowl and sat in the 5th row.
37. I play piano, guitar, flute and saxophone…
38. and play them all mediocre
39. I’m incredibly sentimental…
40. which is probably why I like scrapbooking so much
41. I’m an OU fan…big time
42. Most people know that I am a Green Bay Packer's fan.. but most people don't know that they only reason i started liking them in the first place was because my crush in 7th grade was a fan.
43. I got picked on a lot when I was younger
44. one time, when I was about 7, this girl was making fun of me, so I told her that she obviously didn't believe in jesus.
45. She cried and we both got in trouble
46. I’m thankful to GOD that I got out of Oklahoma for college
47. Yes, that means I believe in God
48. I'm a firm believer in the idea that everyone should wait tables once in their life
49. My worst valentines day was when I was attached
50. I don't understand why people are so quick to hate on Valentines Day or their ex's. How can you fully hate someone who took the time and energy to invest in you? (strong dislike... harsh words, yeah.. but hate.. hmmm)
51. My first car was a 1991 Chevy Lumina…and it was satan
52. I now drive a '98 Mitsubishi Eclipse....and I'm beginning to believe that it is spawn of the Chevy Lumina
53. I've never owned a cell phone
54. Yup, still don't own one.
55. There is a special place in my heart reserved for Cadbury Creme Eggs
56. I'll admit it.. I've made up statistics in the heat of battle before.
57. I can almost always find a reason not to be mad at people
58. Have I lost most of you by now?
59. I've never been to NYC
60. But I've lived in New hampshire, Oklahoma, San Diego, Frankfurt, and Nashville
61. I think people in the music business, in general, are dumb.
62. Yet, that’s the business I’m trying to make it in.
63. I’m a news junkie
64. I've seen every episode of Sex and the City ever made
65. I've never bought anything off of ebay
66. But I buy used off of amazon all the time
67. I think Apple products are the coolest
68. I've been drunk once
69. but I was legal when it happened
70. and it wasn't intentional
71. and I definitely learned my lesson
72. I have 4 different e-mail accounts
73. Growing up I was always the "go-to" girl
74. so I swore an oath long ago to never help hook guys up with my firends or other people I know
75. do your own dirty work
76. Moths and ladybugs creep me out.
77. I've never been snow skiing
78. I love Dr. Pepper. I used to drink it religiously. Coke and Pepsi are nothing in comparison.
79. I like to think that I’m good at figuring out why people do the things they do… and then I start laughing
80. I think I give a lot of advice
81. I can be idealistic to a fault.
82. I've been known to quote movies I've never seen. hahaha
83. I only passed Spanish I and II becuase they were Scantron and they had 85 of us sitting really really close to each other.
84. If I could have one thing free for the rest of my life, it’d be CD’s.
85. or clothes, or dvd's...or food...
86. I over-analyze things.
87. My biggest pet-peeves is apathy
88. and people who carry on phone conversations in public places
89. and people who try to protect themselves by acting smooth, cool and evasive to the point that it makes them look as though they don't care about anything.
90. I make mix-tapes (cds) that fit my mood…
91. and I associate songs and albums with people
92. so it's kinda creepy when the songs come on and the people are around
93. I'm easily convinced,
94. but I'm not gullible
95. I'm a firm believer that people need to learn to be alone and say their "I don'ts" before they say their "I do's"
96. Some of the lonliest times in my life were when I had the most friends
97. I wish I had written “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For”, because its probably the best song ever.
98. One of my biggest fears is that my life will have made little or no difference.
99. I believe that people really do care, they just have to be reminded sometimes.
100. There are probably at least a hundred other things about me that I wouldn’t share with anyone but a handful of people.
101. I’ve just bored you by listing 100 things about me. Hahahahha!
So anyhow.. assuming I haven't bored you to death, stick around.. cause I'm sure I'll lose most of you by #58.
Here goes nothing...
100 things about me
1. My name is Danica Faith Mercer
2. That's "day-nick-uh"
3. I'm on a mission to get people to pronounce my name correctly... but sometimes I'm too nice and I don't correct people.
4. I tend to be "too nice" too often.
5. But don't let that fool you, cause I will argue with you if it's something I'm passionate about.
6. I have 1 brother, his name is Josh, and he is great.
7. I have 2 cats, Valentine and Pawdukes.
8. I had a cat named simba, but he died. =(
9. I love dogs too, but we've had 2 die on us, and then we moved and we don't really have a fence now, so we can't get one.
10. I was born in New Hampshire.
11. We moved to the great state of Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain) when I was 3, and we've been there ever since.
12. I grew up in Yukon, OK.. (home of Garth Brooks) and I lived in a housing development called Surrey Hills
13. In middle school everyone called us "surrey snobs" because we had bigger houses than most of Yukon, and everyone thought we were rich. (which we weren't)
14. I used to act as though that bugged me, but secretly I liked it because I was a complete nerd and it was a rarity to have other people be jealous of me for anything.
15. Contrary to popular belief, I'm easily intimidated.
16. But I am persistant.. so I've got that going for me.
17. Sometimes I can be sarcastic
18. Ok, so a lot of the time I can be sarcastic.. but I'm working on it...
19. I was in 11 musicals in high school
20. I did ballet, tap and jazz through elementary school
21. My mom is one of the coolest persons I know
22. I’ve only had 1 boyfriend, but in my defense, he took up a lot of time.
23. I’ve only been in love once, and that was questionable...
24. The last guy I kissed is married.
26. I have asked guys out before
27. and thank goodness I wasn't rejected
28. but believe me, I have been rejected
29. I’ve never cheated on a significant other
30. And as far as I know, I've never been cheated on
31. But once I found out that a certain person cheated on someone else with me...though i had no idea at the time.
32. I've had several strange jobs
33. I've been a limo driver
34. I've been a telemarketer
35. I worked security for all the Superbowl events in San Diego 2 years ago
36. But for the actual game, I went to the Super Bowl and sat in the 5th row.
37. I play piano, guitar, flute and saxophone…
38. and play them all mediocre
39. I’m incredibly sentimental…
40. which is probably why I like scrapbooking so much
41. I’m an OU fan…big time
42. Most people know that I am a Green Bay Packer's fan.. but most people don't know that they only reason i started liking them in the first place was because my crush in 7th grade was a fan.
43. I got picked on a lot when I was younger
44. one time, when I was about 7, this girl was making fun of me, so I told her that she obviously didn't believe in jesus.
45. She cried and we both got in trouble
46. I’m thankful to GOD that I got out of Oklahoma for college
47. Yes, that means I believe in God
48. I'm a firm believer in the idea that everyone should wait tables once in their life
49. My worst valentines day was when I was attached
50. I don't understand why people are so quick to hate on Valentines Day or their ex's. How can you fully hate someone who took the time and energy to invest in you? (strong dislike... harsh words, yeah.. but hate.. hmmm)
51. My first car was a 1991 Chevy Lumina…and it was satan
52. I now drive a '98 Mitsubishi Eclipse....and I'm beginning to believe that it is spawn of the Chevy Lumina
53. I've never owned a cell phone
54. Yup, still don't own one.
55. There is a special place in my heart reserved for Cadbury Creme Eggs
56. I'll admit it.. I've made up statistics in the heat of battle before.
57. I can almost always find a reason not to be mad at people
58. Have I lost most of you by now?
59. I've never been to NYC
60. But I've lived in New hampshire, Oklahoma, San Diego, Frankfurt, and Nashville
61. I think people in the music business, in general, are dumb.
62. Yet, that’s the business I’m trying to make it in.
63. I’m a news junkie
64. I've seen every episode of Sex and the City ever made
65. I've never bought anything off of ebay
66. But I buy used off of amazon all the time
67. I think Apple products are the coolest
68. I've been drunk once
69. but I was legal when it happened
70. and it wasn't intentional
71. and I definitely learned my lesson
72. I have 4 different e-mail accounts
73. Growing up I was always the "go-to" girl
74. so I swore an oath long ago to never help hook guys up with my firends or other people I know
75. do your own dirty work
76. Moths and ladybugs creep me out.
77. I've never been snow skiing
78. I love Dr. Pepper. I used to drink it religiously. Coke and Pepsi are nothing in comparison.
79. I like to think that I’m good at figuring out why people do the things they do… and then I start laughing
80. I think I give a lot of advice
81. I can be idealistic to a fault.
82. I've been known to quote movies I've never seen. hahaha
83. I only passed Spanish I and II becuase they were Scantron and they had 85 of us sitting really really close to each other.
84. If I could have one thing free for the rest of my life, it’d be CD’s.
85. or clothes, or dvd's...or food...
86. I over-analyze things.
87. My biggest pet-peeves is apathy
88. and people who carry on phone conversations in public places
89. and people who try to protect themselves by acting smooth, cool and evasive to the point that it makes them look as though they don't care about anything.
90. I make mix-tapes (cds) that fit my mood…
91. and I associate songs and albums with people
92. so it's kinda creepy when the songs come on and the people are around
93. I'm easily convinced,
94. but I'm not gullible
95. I'm a firm believer that people need to learn to be alone and say their "I don'ts" before they say their "I do's"
96. Some of the lonliest times in my life were when I had the most friends
97. I wish I had written “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For”, because its probably the best song ever.
98. One of my biggest fears is that my life will have made little or no difference.
99. I believe that people really do care, they just have to be reminded sometimes.
100. There are probably at least a hundred other things about me that I wouldn’t share with anyone but a handful of people.
101. I’ve just bored you by listing 100 things about me. Hahahahha!
2.19.2005
the cost of recognition
ohhh there is so much to say, and unforunately I shouldn't post any of it on here because it would incriminate me to the grave but let's just say that I've learned that I'm still very much capable of making stupid stupid stupid stupid decisions and that I'm pretty dang lucky that a number of consequences haven't befallen me as of yet, and yet in some ways, they have... so here I am avoiding proper punctuation altogether becuase it seems only fitting considering the state of my life at the moment and I sit here wishing I could one day have the guts to do the things I should have done long ago and as i read back through this I realize that this post will leave much to be desired, and chances are that it will go extremely misinterpretted because afterall, I am the queen of making things sound twenty-thousand times worse than they really are...that or I'll downplay it, so take your pick folks
I'm recalling a time when I was in elementary school and I was in one of the many church musicals and there was this song called 'he's still working on me,' and looking back, that's the only thing that stands out to me, i don't remember the musical or the plot, just the song.. perhaps I am imagining the whole thing, but I don't think so. Alas, I digress...or do I?
So I think about what I want out of life, and what I want from other people.. and then I realize how much maintenance I need first. I hate writing that, I hate even thinking that becuase it's so much nicer to convince yourself that you're ready to get what it is that you think you want. That you've reached a point where it's deserved, which, when I really think about it.. probably doesn't even exist. I mean, do we really DESERVE anything? Does life OWE us anything other than death? (cue the melodrama..) but seriously, I wish that it worked that way, but I know that it doesn't. And I wish that I could honestly look myself in the eye and say that I'm fully ready to have my wish list granted... but I'm not. As much as I want it (whatever "it" is), I'm just not there yet (though some days are closer than others), and maybe we never fully get "there", and maybe that's the whole point.
If there's anything I do know, it's this: I'll always need Jesus.
So I'm getting out of the way (again) becuase his success rate is far better than mine, and after all 'he's still working on me." As for the things I want, (or what I think I want)..... I'm not holding my breath.
I'm recalling a time when I was in elementary school and I was in one of the many church musicals and there was this song called 'he's still working on me,' and looking back, that's the only thing that stands out to me, i don't remember the musical or the plot, just the song.. perhaps I am imagining the whole thing, but I don't think so. Alas, I digress...or do I?
So I think about what I want out of life, and what I want from other people.. and then I realize how much maintenance I need first. I hate writing that, I hate even thinking that becuase it's so much nicer to convince yourself that you're ready to get what it is that you think you want. That you've reached a point where it's deserved, which, when I really think about it.. probably doesn't even exist. I mean, do we really DESERVE anything? Does life OWE us anything other than death? (cue the melodrama..) but seriously, I wish that it worked that way, but I know that it doesn't. And I wish that I could honestly look myself in the eye and say that I'm fully ready to have my wish list granted... but I'm not. As much as I want it (whatever "it" is), I'm just not there yet (though some days are closer than others), and maybe we never fully get "there", and maybe that's the whole point.
If there's anything I do know, it's this: I'll always need Jesus.
So I'm getting out of the way (again) becuase his success rate is far better than mine, and after all 'he's still working on me." As for the things I want, (or what I think I want)..... I'm not holding my breath.
2.17.2005
?
Have you ever mourned the loss of something you never had? Do you know how it feels to be stripped of any sense of identity, save one? Does your life ever feel like a replay of someone else’s experience, an echo of another man’s genius, a mere shadow of what’s been?
Have you ever survived the company of those who leave you exposed? Have you ever been threatened by your own transparency? Does your smile disgust you? Do you ever wish you couldn’t fake it so well?
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” -Hebrews 10:23-25
Have you ever survived the company of those who leave you exposed? Have you ever been threatened by your own transparency? Does your smile disgust you? Do you ever wish you couldn’t fake it so well?
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” -Hebrews 10:23-25
2.15.2005
2.14.2005
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
2.11.2005
I should take my own advice...
So I just read through all of my entries from last semester (i think the month of nov. was my favorite) and I've decided that I should listen to myself more often! Occassionaly I come out with something somewhat intelligent.
Who knew?
Who knew?
2.10.2005
Warning: It's a long one.
I’ve had a lot on my mind lately... not that this is unusual, apparently there is no rest for the analytical.
These past few months I have felt stuck, trapped, somewhat smothered by various circumstances and situations that I continually find myself in. You know the feeling... it’s that constant ache of helplessness... the feeling that no matter what you do, you’re always a step away from any sort of success or desired result. Or worse, someone’s already beaten you to it.
I often find myself in these bouts of depression when I think about the future, and the fact that I am walking completely blind into it. I suppose it’s true that no one really knows where their life is going, but for me it seems as though I have spent the last 4 years preparing myself for a life that I will never live. I don’t see myself performing for a living, and over the course of the past year I have managed to fully accept that . Which is amazing, considering 2 years ago music was everything and heaven help anyone who stood in my way (even if it were God himself) After all I used to think “if I could only get into Belmont and be in Nashville, then I’ll make it happen...” Truly God has an amazing grasp on irony.
On the other hand, I’ve begun feeling convicted about how I have put music on the back burner this past year. It’s as if God has been saying that He’s not finished with this yet, so I shouldn’t act as if I am. I’ve almost felt as though by choosing to ignore music I’ve become guilty of not using my talents wisely. I have to admit that I am not completely sold on this. I haven’t forgotten past burns I’ve had with this sort of thing, and I certainly don’t feel adequate. In fact, I feel sub par at best. And of course, I don’t want to get hurt... but to not give God a chance to use me in ways that He’s gifted me (even if it doesn’t seem like enough) is wrong (Sin is another word... but that sounds scarier, so I tend to shy away from it) and I don’t think I’ve really grasped that until now. So I’ve decided to keep on keeping on, even though it seems pointless and stupid, and at times it’s humiliating. I’ve concluded that God deserves my best in everything, not just the things I feel like focusing on at any given moment. So with all of this in mind, I refuse to admit defeat before I’ve actually tried.
To think I’ve been sinning by using other talents to “bury” music. Interesting that we can misuse our gifts by using them to avoid other ones.
Did I mention that God was good with irony?
So when I ponder (yes, ponder) all of these things I continually find myself coming back to the concepts of sacrifice and surrender. It’s funny really.. whenever I come to a point in my life where I feel as though I have a handle on surrender I am reminded of how completely human I am.
I think of all the dreams I have for myself and I am once again reminded that “surrender” isn’t generic. For example: For many people, going to work in Africa would involve extreme sacrifice and surrender... but when I look at my life I find that surrender for me means being willing to stand still, to stay put. Being willing to “joyfully” live in Oklahoma city and work as a secretary at BFC while becoming an old maid if that’s what God want ed me to do. (even typing that out makes me cringe and think “please don’t get any ideas, God, please!”...)
Surrender and sacrifice require much more faith than I had originally thought...But I’m striving to rest in the fact that when it comes to God’s plan for me he is slowly molding me, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually into the person I need to be in order for his will to be done. And I’m no theologian, but I honestly believe that if God desired for me to be a CCM secretary in Waco TX for the rest of my days, then he would slowly change my heart and attitude about it. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts and that he truly cares (which is why I’m not too stressed about the possibility of dying old and alone in Waco), but in my opinion, true surrender is the willingness to say, honestly: wherever, whenever, whatever, I want Your will.
And I know for a fact, that no one on this earth is capable of saying that on their own.
Thanks Jesus.
Despite all of this mental madness, I find an odd sense of peace when I think about how much I have changed in the past 3 years. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined that I would be where I am today, involved in the sorts of things I now enjoy. (i know, I know.. i say that ALL the time. but it’s true..) The fact that I never could have predicted how my life has turned out thus far gives me hope that maybe the future won’t be so bad.
So that’s a piece of what’s been on my mind lately. Props to you if you stuck with me all the way through.
All of this analytical drama topped with numerous financial problems and friendship issues have made these past few weeks extremely trying.
Your prayers have meant so much to me, and your outpouring of love and support has not gone unnoticed or unfelt.
I am truly blessed.
These past few months I have felt stuck, trapped, somewhat smothered by various circumstances and situations that I continually find myself in. You know the feeling... it’s that constant ache of helplessness... the feeling that no matter what you do, you’re always a step away from any sort of success or desired result. Or worse, someone’s already beaten you to it.
I often find myself in these bouts of depression when I think about the future, and the fact that I am walking completely blind into it. I suppose it’s true that no one really knows where their life is going, but for me it seems as though I have spent the last 4 years preparing myself for a life that I will never live. I don’t see myself performing for a living, and over the course of the past year I have managed to fully accept that . Which is amazing, considering 2 years ago music was everything and heaven help anyone who stood in my way (even if it were God himself) After all I used to think “if I could only get into Belmont and be in Nashville, then I’ll make it happen...” Truly God has an amazing grasp on irony.
On the other hand, I’ve begun feeling convicted about how I have put music on the back burner this past year. It’s as if God has been saying that He’s not finished with this yet, so I shouldn’t act as if I am. I’ve almost felt as though by choosing to ignore music I’ve become guilty of not using my talents wisely. I have to admit that I am not completely sold on this. I haven’t forgotten past burns I’ve had with this sort of thing, and I certainly don’t feel adequate. In fact, I feel sub par at best. And of course, I don’t want to get hurt... but to not give God a chance to use me in ways that He’s gifted me (even if it doesn’t seem like enough) is wrong (Sin is another word... but that sounds scarier, so I tend to shy away from it) and I don’t think I’ve really grasped that until now. So I’ve decided to keep on keeping on, even though it seems pointless and stupid, and at times it’s humiliating. I’ve concluded that God deserves my best in everything, not just the things I feel like focusing on at any given moment. So with all of this in mind, I refuse to admit defeat before I’ve actually tried.
To think I’ve been sinning by using other talents to “bury” music. Interesting that we can misuse our gifts by using them to avoid other ones.
Did I mention that God was good with irony?
So when I ponder (yes, ponder) all of these things I continually find myself coming back to the concepts of sacrifice and surrender. It’s funny really.. whenever I come to a point in my life where I feel as though I have a handle on surrender I am reminded of how completely human I am.
I think of all the dreams I have for myself and I am once again reminded that “surrender” isn’t generic. For example: For many people, going to work in Africa would involve extreme sacrifice and surrender... but when I look at my life I find that surrender for me means being willing to stand still, to stay put. Being willing to “joyfully” live in Oklahoma city and work as a secretary at BFC while becoming an old maid if that’s what God want ed me to do. (even typing that out makes me cringe and think “please don’t get any ideas, God, please!”...)
Surrender and sacrifice require much more faith than I had originally thought...But I’m striving to rest in the fact that when it comes to God’s plan for me he is slowly molding me, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually into the person I need to be in order for his will to be done. And I’m no theologian, but I honestly believe that if God desired for me to be a CCM secretary in Waco TX for the rest of my days, then he would slowly change my heart and attitude about it. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts and that he truly cares (which is why I’m not too stressed about the possibility of dying old and alone in Waco), but in my opinion, true surrender is the willingness to say, honestly: wherever, whenever, whatever, I want Your will.
And I know for a fact, that no one on this earth is capable of saying that on their own.
Thanks Jesus.
Despite all of this mental madness, I find an odd sense of peace when I think about how much I have changed in the past 3 years. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined that I would be where I am today, involved in the sorts of things I now enjoy. (i know, I know.. i say that ALL the time. but it’s true..) The fact that I never could have predicted how my life has turned out thus far gives me hope that maybe the future won’t be so bad.
So that’s a piece of what’s been on my mind lately. Props to you if you stuck with me all the way through.
All of this analytical drama topped with numerous financial problems and friendship issues have made these past few weeks extremely trying.
Your prayers have meant so much to me, and your outpouring of love and support has not gone unnoticed or unfelt.
I am truly blessed.
2.08.2005
2-8-05
No matter where I go, no matter how things change, one thing remains the same: Life never ceases to take me by surprise.
Today was a hard day.
They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but I wonder. After all, if that were true, why are we all so weak? I say that what doesn't kill you either makes you thankful or bitter. =) Unfortunately I often find myself caught somewhere between the two. Wherever that is.
Today was a hard day.
They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but I wonder. After all, if that were true, why are we all so weak? I say that what doesn't kill you either makes you thankful or bitter. =) Unfortunately I often find myself caught somewhere between the two. Wherever that is.
2.06.2005
2.04.2005
almost there...
So today is my last Friday as a 20 year old.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the past year. I find it would be a bit too simplistic for me to classify it as “good” or “bad,” after all, “how do you measure a year in the life?” (10 points to those of you who can follow my quotes) But in an attempt to wrap my mind around the events of the past 12 months, I would have to say that my 20th year was challenging, frustrating, exciting, wonderful, complicated, long, short, fun, boring, painful, lonely, crowded, overrated, and at times somewhat sentimental.
So for better or for worse, this year:
-I went back to Hawaii
-I went back to San Diego
-I got way too involved
-I survived summer school and a full-time job for the first time ever
-I let go of some inhibitions and gained a little confidence
-I became a runner!!
-I experienced Rocky Horror
-I read WAY too much (if that’s even possible)
-I found people worth spending time with
-I Recorded. yay.
-I lost some friends.. some to death, some to life
-I allowed my mind to explore places/things that used to scare me (and some still do)
-I became an RA
-I did some things I never thought I’d do
-I survived some rough disappointments
-I learned how tough life can be when you try and hold a grudge against God
-I learned that letting go and moving forward in confidence is much harder than it sounds
-I spent too much money
-I saw friends get married
-I saw friends get engaged
-I saw myself slightly jealous
-I proved I could handle life alone by successfully dining out and going to a movie with myself.
-I became a bit more outspoken (and we thought that was impossible!! haha)
More importantly, it was this year that God showed me (again) that I have no idea what I really want. He’s always doing that... and while it’s annoying, it’s also somewhat comforting.
I’ve grown more spiritually this year than the past 19 combined; which is scary and exciting all at once considering how much room I have for improvement. But that’s life I guess, and it’s liberating to know that God hasn’t brought me this far only to abandon me to figure things out on my own. I’ll say it again: I’m glad he doesn’t have my patience.
There’s something about birthday’s that makes you question the future while holding onto the past. I’ve decided that this year I refuse to do that. Now as many of you know, I am a fairly reminiscent person who, at times, tends to be a bit pessimistic about the future. Well, maybe not “pessimistic” but I do worry about it more than I should. I don’t know what it is, but something about this year is different. Maybe I’m wiser, maybe I’m apathetic, maybe I’m crazy.. but I’m not dragging my heels into year as much as I normally do. Yes, It hit me today that I only have one more birthday left in college.. and yes, I am well aware that I have big decisions to make in these next 15 months, and yes, that does scare me.. but at the same time I feel like it’s something everyone deals with at one point or another, and it’s nothing that God can’t take care of.
So the future will come, and I will go with it.. we’ll see what happens. For now I’m going to enjoy my last 2 days of being “illegal.”
Peace somewhere.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the past year. I find it would be a bit too simplistic for me to classify it as “good” or “bad,” after all, “how do you measure a year in the life?” (10 points to those of you who can follow my quotes) But in an attempt to wrap my mind around the events of the past 12 months, I would have to say that my 20th year was challenging, frustrating, exciting, wonderful, complicated, long, short, fun, boring, painful, lonely, crowded, overrated, and at times somewhat sentimental.
So for better or for worse, this year:
-I went back to Hawaii
-I went back to San Diego
-I got way too involved
-I survived summer school and a full-time job for the first time ever
-I let go of some inhibitions and gained a little confidence
-I became a runner!!
-I experienced Rocky Horror
-I read WAY too much (if that’s even possible)
-I found people worth spending time with
-I Recorded. yay.
-I lost some friends.. some to death, some to life
-I allowed my mind to explore places/things that used to scare me (and some still do)
-I became an RA
-I did some things I never thought I’d do
-I survived some rough disappointments
-I learned how tough life can be when you try and hold a grudge against God
-I learned that letting go and moving forward in confidence is much harder than it sounds
-I spent too much money
-I saw friends get married
-I saw friends get engaged
-I saw myself slightly jealous
-I proved I could handle life alone by successfully dining out and going to a movie with myself.
-I became a bit more outspoken (and we thought that was impossible!! haha)
More importantly, it was this year that God showed me (again) that I have no idea what I really want. He’s always doing that... and while it’s annoying, it’s also somewhat comforting.
I’ve grown more spiritually this year than the past 19 combined; which is scary and exciting all at once considering how much room I have for improvement. But that’s life I guess, and it’s liberating to know that God hasn’t brought me this far only to abandon me to figure things out on my own. I’ll say it again: I’m glad he doesn’t have my patience.
There’s something about birthday’s that makes you question the future while holding onto the past. I’ve decided that this year I refuse to do that. Now as many of you know, I am a fairly reminiscent person who, at times, tends to be a bit pessimistic about the future. Well, maybe not “pessimistic” but I do worry about it more than I should. I don’t know what it is, but something about this year is different. Maybe I’m wiser, maybe I’m apathetic, maybe I’m crazy.. but I’m not dragging my heels into year as much as I normally do. Yes, It hit me today that I only have one more birthday left in college.. and yes, I am well aware that I have big decisions to make in these next 15 months, and yes, that does scare me.. but at the same time I feel like it’s something everyone deals with at one point or another, and it’s nothing that God can’t take care of.
So the future will come, and I will go with it.. we’ll see what happens. For now I’m going to enjoy my last 2 days of being “illegal.”
Peace somewhere.
2.02.2005
Goodness.
I'm addicted to Facebook!
Help!
And while your at it.. go set up an account and add me as a friend! I need some!
Help!
And while your at it.. go set up an account and add me as a friend! I need some!
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