It's hard to believe that another year is almost over. 2003 was a very good year for me... maybe even my best yet. Not only did I get to sit in the 3rd row at the SuperBowl, but in the past 12 months I have lived in San Diego, Germany, and Nashville (with occasional breaks in Bethany, OK of course!). I am truly blessed. I can only hope that 2004 will be just as fulfilling.

As far as tihs summer is concerned.. I still don't know what I will be doing, but I'm ok with that. For the moment I am keeping my options wide-open, and I have vowed not to stress about it. In fact, I have decided to stress a lot less in general. Typically I am a fairly laid-back person who can occassionally be dramatic, but for the most part, I'm not near as bad as some people I know (and live with, or am related to!). I just figure that stress is overated and not worth my trouble. For example: school loans. Yes this is a very big deal, and yes, someday I will have to face them. However, that day is not today, and in the grand scheme of things I would much rather have school loans to occupy my mind then to have a spouse diagnosed with cancer or have a friend die unexpectedly or something like that. Basically, school loans are terrible (especially mine!) but they are not the be all end all of stress in this world.. in all actuality I am quite lucky that that's all I have to worry about right now!

Once again, Christmas is upon us at last. Despite all of the cleaning and busy schedules and crowded malls, Christmas is my favorite time of year. Always has been, and probably always will be. And the true meaning of Christmas is the best part. I wonder how Mary must have felt on this very night so many years ago. I wonder if she felt ugly and fat, or if she griped at Joseph out of moodiness. Hard to believe that she was my age or younger. I often wonder what it would be like if Jesus had been born in our day in age.... First off no one would believe Mary's divine conception story, they'd run a bunch of DNA tests to try to determine the father, and she would probably be told by several people to just go get an abortion. And I don't know any woman on this earth who would want to give birth in a stable.

It still baffles me how some 2000 some odd years ago a baby was born that changed the course of history! Just think about it, even the dates on our calendars changed the night that baby was born in the stable.


LUKE 2
"1At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. 2(This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3All returned to their own towns to register for this census. 4And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David's ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. 5He took with him Mary, his fiancé, who was obviously pregnant by this time.
6And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. 7She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the village inn.

8That night some shepherds were in the fields outside the village, guarding their flocks of sheep. 9Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terribly frightened, 10but the angel reassured them. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I bring you good news of great joy for everyone! 11The Savior--yes, the Messiah, the Lord--has been born tonight in Bethlehem, the city of David! 12And this is how you will recognize him: You will find a baby lying in a manger, wrapped snugly in strips of cloth!"
13Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others--the armies of heaven--praising God:

14
"Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and peace on earth to all whom God favors.[1] "
15When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, "Come on, let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this wonderful thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."
16They ran to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. 17Then the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. 18All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished, 19but Mary quietly treasured these things in her heart and thought about them often. 20The shepherds went back to their fields and flocks, glorifying and praising God for what the angels had told them, and because they had seen the child, just as the angel had said."


May the joy of that night from long, long ago fill your hearts and lives this season.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

WOW. Ok it's been a while, I know. I'm home now for the holidays, so you know what that means.. SLOW INTERNET CONNECTION! WOHOO! I haven't even been able to access my page over the past week. Sorry guys... I promise i will talk later, but mom is yelling for me to get off (judging by that statement you wouldn't think I was almost 20 and visiting home now would you?) Anyhow, I will be back.. sometime...maybe...

I want to go to China or Africa this summer. I would like to do an internship at several different non-profit organizations in Washington DC. But I can't do any of these things because my parents would not approve, and as usual, I need to make money. I hate money. Money keeps me from doing things I want to do, money makes me feel trapped. And realistically, what will I gain from making money? I'll just find more ways to spend it....my car will break down, or tuition go up, or I'll make new friends that I'll want to buy gifts for. I've come to accept the fact that I will probably be a slave to Sallie Mae for the rest of my life. Speaking of my life... what do I want to do with it? I want to work in under-developed countries, I want to have friends around the world, and I don't want to regret stupid things like passing up a summer in Africa so that I can make a few bucks waiting tables and going to summer school.

Memory Lane

My first 3 finals went really well (at least I think so) and in an attepmt to "recover" April and I went out to eat at Macaroni Grill, bought some mint m&m ice cream and Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and rented a sundance flick. What can I say? We know how to recover! Somewhere during the night we also managed to spend an hour strolling through Barnes and Noble, during which we spent a good 30 minutes in the childrens section admiring all the old books we once (and in some cases still do) read. We had a nice time, so I thought I would pass along my list of childrens books faves! Enjoy!

Are you my Mother?
Goodnight Moon
Anything Dr. Suess
The Boxcar Childrens Series
The Little house on the Prarie Books
The Polar Express
Corduroy
Charlottes Web
Stuart Little
The Trumpet of the Swan
The Harry Potter Books
Enders Game
The Anastascia Krumpnick series (and the Sam series too)
The Giving Tree
Bridge to Terabithia
The Ramona Quimby books!
Anne of Green Gables!
From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
Number the Stars
The Giver
Dear Mr. Henshaw
Hatchet
Whatever Happened to Janie? & that whole series
The Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle series!
Freckle Juice
The Berenstain Bears Books!
The Amelia Bedelia books!
Blubber
The Velveteen Rabbit
The Mercer Mayer Books...

And about 500,000 others!! What were yours??

Soooo... what's my destiny???

Danica, your destiny is to be a Provider

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

And what is my subconscious mind driven by???

Danica, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.

You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.



interesting... at least I appear to be consistent!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!



You're goin' down! FOR ASSISTED SUICIDE! (even though it was good you did it)



What Would You Go to Jail For? (Many outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla

I am so stressed. I am so sick of $. I am so tired.

RANDOM RANTINGS

Another Thanksgiving come and gone, and while once again I ate WAY too much, and the break was WAY too short, and most of it was spent in the car; I did have a nice time.

The trip to Branson was a lot of fun, the lodge was great and the shows were really cool, and of course the limo was neat. It was a little strange for me at times since it seems like I'm too old for the cousins and too young for the adults, but it was nice to get some time with my mom. My grandmom is too cool.

We had to put Simba to sleep =( We're all really sad, and it's gonna be weird to come home and not have him there. I'm doing good... if it were Valentine, I think I would be driving home, but Simba was my mom's, and she's having a terrible time.

April and I have come to the conclusion that I am shy.

Should I drop one of my emphasises?

Once again I find myself in that place were I feel I need to prove myself.

We played Vanderbuilt for Homecoming and as they were killing us their fans suddenly started clapping and chanting "SAT's... SAT's" to which we simply replied "Family Money... Family Money." Yes, we are in college.

you know you've reached Arkansas when suddenly you can't find a good radio station, you hear commercials with Santa advertising guns and hunting expos, and you see about 50 billboards "from God" within 50 miles.

I go home again in 16 days.

If I drop one of my emphasises, i may not need summer school.

Speaking of school.... I'm ready to be through with it... but then what am I supposed to do?

So it's been a busy week to say the least! I had an Ear Training Test, the Computer Prof. Test, a Music Business Test, a New Testament Test, a Theory Keyboard Test, and a Written Theory Test. I had a Music history paper (worth 15% of my grade) due, an extra piano lesson, and of course, the New Artist Showcase to oversee. What can I say? It was tough. I whined, I groaned, I cried, I didn't sleep... but I survived. And so far I did pretty well. I got a 102% on my Ear Training Test, I passed the Computer proficiency, and I got a 98% on my New Testament test. Everything else is still up in the air.

The New Artist showcase went over really well. I was pleased. In fact we managed to pack out our "venue" (=) the curb cafe) which no artist or group has ever done! =) my artist (aaron winters) did a fantastic job, and (not that I'm biased or anything), he was by far the coolest! actually I had a lot of people tell me that he was "the best" and their "favorite" and all that.. and I agree, so that makes me happy. Since everything went over so well, all of the promotions teams got 40/35 as our 'quiz grade' for the show. Good times. Come back again on December 13 at 7pm for our Country Showcase... 2 stages, 5 artists, lots of fun...wohoo.

Today I'm relaxing while tying up all the loose ends before I head out on my 11 hour venture home. Sigh... I wish I owned a plane... and a pilot. I just realized that a week from today I'll be back here again. My grandmom decided to take all of the 'Mercer girls" out to Branson to see the Rockettes after Thanksgiving, so I'll leave from Branson on Saturday to come back here, since it cuts 2 hours off of my driving time...although it stinks that I have to drive from Nashville to OK, from OK to Branson, and then from branson to Nashville, all in 5 days. And did you know that I have to go up through St. Louis and then back down in order to get back... geez. Oh well, what can ya do. I'll just need an excess of music and caffeine in order to survive all this driving.

Alrighty, well that's the boring news for now. I'm off to do more cleaning/laundry/practicing/getting my car checked/going to the gym/ whatever else I feel like doing!

For those of you too lazy to click on the link... here is the basis of Oxfam's (and my) Fair Trade Campaign..

"Trade is one of the most powerful forces linking our lives, and a source of unprecedented wealth. Yet millions of the world's poorest people are being left behind. Increased prosperity has gone hand in hand with mass poverty. Already obscene inequalities between rich and poor are widening.

World trade could be a powerful motor to reduce poverty, and support economic growth, but that potential is being lost. The problem is not that international trade is inherently opposed to the needs and interests of the poor, but that the rules that govern it are rigged in favour of the rich.

If Africa, East Asia, South Asia, and Latin America were each to increase their share of world exports by one per cent, the resulting gains in income could lift 128 million people out of poverty. In Africa alone, this would generate $70bn - approximately five times what the continent receives in aid.

In their rhetoric, governments of rich countries constantly stress their commitment to poverty reduction. Yet in practice rigged rules and double standards lock poor people out of the benefits of trade, closing the door to an escape route from poverty. For example:

Rich countries spend $1bn every day on agricultural subsidies. The resulting surpluses are dumped on world markets, undermining the livelihoods of millions of smallholder farmers in poor countries.

When developing countries export to rich-country markets, they face tariff barriers that are four times higher than those encountered by rich countries. Those barriers cost them $100bn a year - twice as much as they receive in aid.

While rich countries keep their markets closed, poor countries have been pressurised by the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank to open their markets at breakneck speed, often with damaging consequences for poor communities.

The international community has failed to address the problem of low and unstable commodity prices, which consign millions of people to poverty. Coffee prices, for example, have fallen by 70 per cent since 1997, costing exporters in developing countries $8bn in lost foreign-exchange earnings.

Powerful transnational companies (TNCs) have been left free to engage in investment and employment practices which contribute to poverty and insecurity, constrained only by weak voluntary guidelines. In many countries, export-led success is built on the exploitation of women and girls.

Many of the rules of the World Trade Organisation (WTO) on intellectual property, investment, and services protect the interests of rich countries and powerful TNCs, while imposing huge costs on developing countries. This bias raises fundamental questions about the legitimacy of the WTO.
Reform of world trade is only one of the requirements for ending the deep social injustices that pervade globalisation. Action is also needed to reduce inequalities in health, education, and the distribution of income and opportunity, including those inequalities that exist between women and men. However, world trade rules are a key part of the poverty problem; fundamental reforms are needed to make them part of the solution.

Oxfam's Campaign

Make Trade Fair aims to change world trade rules so that trade can make a real difference in the fight against global poverty. The campaign's main goals include:

Ending the use of conditions attached to IMF-World Bank programmes which force poor countries to open their markets regardless of the impact on poor people.

Improving market access for poor countries and ending the cycle of subsidised agricultural over-production and export dumping by rich countries. In addition, changing WTO rules so that developing countries can protect domestic food production.

Creating a new international commodities institution to promote diversification and end over-supply in order to raise prices to levels consistent with a reasonable standard of living for producers, and changing corporate practices so that companies pay fair prices.

Establishing new intellectual-property rules to ensure that poor countries are able to afford new technologies and basic medicines, and that farmers are able to save, exchange, and sell seeds.

Prohibiting rules that force governments to liberalise or privatise basic services that are vital for poverty reduction.

Enhancing the quality of private-sector investment and employment standards.

Democratising the WTO to give poor countries a stronger voice.

Changing national policies on health, education, and governance so that poor people can develop their capabilities, realise their potential, and participate in markets on more equitable terms.

The existing trade system is indefensible and unsustainable. No civilised community should be willing to tolerate the extremes of prosperity and poverty that are generated by current trade practices.

Large parts of the developing world are becoming enclaves of despair, increasingly marginalised and cut off from the rising wealth generated through trade. Shared prosperity cannot be built on such foundations. Like the economic forces that drive globalisation, the anger and social tensions that accompany vast inequalities in wealth and opportunity will not respect national borders. The instability that they will generate threatens us all. In today's globalised world, our lives are more inextricably linked than ever before, and so is our prosperity. As a global community, we sink or swim together.

Oxfam believes that change is possible. The international trading system is not a force of nature. It is a system of exchange, managed by rules and institutions that reflect political choices. Those choices can prioritise the interests of the weak and vulnerable, or the interests of the wealthy and powerful. Trade is reinforcing global poverty and inequality because the international trading system is managed to produce these outcomes.

The rules of the game reflect the power of vested interests - but concerted public campaigning can change them. As the international campaign to cancel the debts of poor countries demonstrated, public action can force the interests of the poor on to the international agenda. And it can achieve real gains for human development.

Ultimately, there is a clear choice to be made. We can choose to allow unfair trade rules to continue causing poverty and distress, and face the consequences, or we can change them. We can allow globalisation to continue working for the few, rather than the many, or we can forge a new model of inclusive globalisation, based on shared values and principles of social justice. The choice is ours. And the time to choose is now."

Want to know more?? Go here to access the entire trade report which includes more in depth information as well as strategic solutions to the epidemic we have created.

sigh. Badly Drawn Boy is amazing. He rocks my face off. He is my newest musical role model. As if I didn't like him before, last night I went to his soldout show at Belcourt theater and sat in the fourth row. He played 2 shows... that's right.. 2, for a total of about 3 hours and 45 minutes. It was quality. He doesn't work off of a set list either, just goes with his intuition (which as he stated, sometimes fails you) The first set he did was primarily him and his guitar, then he brought the band out for the second set. Geez, the man really is good. I mean, he's actually a musician! You don't get to many of those anymore, and he's more politically-minded thaan most might think. He's really laid back, there's definitely not much of a "commercial" side to him (if any!) which I think is cool.But yeah, he was mellow but funny too... everynow and then he would stop and say, alright I need a 10 minute cigarette break (although we all highly doubted that it was cigarettes he was smoking), and other times he would just stand there and smoke while he sang. He played quite a bit of new stuff too, so you can take my word for it that the new CD will be good! It's due out in March (give or take a year, he says). I have to admit that I was a little skeptical since a lot of his music is kinda "eclectic" and i wasn't sure what to expect. But it was great. Well worth my $15.

"...but I never found the time for the question to arrive, I just disguised it in a song. But songs are never quite the answer, just a soundtrack to a life that is over all too soon."

I HATE MUSIC HISTORY. BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wow, so I seem to have scared everyone away with all of my new advocacy things.... with the exception of Amy of course..... Don't be afraid little children! I promise not to start a picket line around your houses (unless you start working for the WTO/FTAA)

Anyhow, to take a pause from all of these "trade issues" that probably have most of you confused... please feel free to utilize and and all of the links on the right... I highly recommend the "Oxfam" page. And the "Bringing America Home" page has all the details over the new act that is going through congress as we speak!!

Also, in all seriousness, please a moment to read up on some of these issues that I have been talking about. They really are important, and they will all be voted on over the next year, so the upcomming elections will be very important. make it a point to understand the issues, decide how you feel about them, and then see how your representation is reponding to them!! It won't hurt, I promise!!



"Our biggest fear? Our strongest enemy? It is not anger, it is not opposition. No, our biggest fear is apathy, our strongest enemy is indifference."

Oxfam needs your help to turn up the heat on the world's three coffee giants - Nestli, Sara Lee, and Kraft as part of our call to make trade fair.

Oxfam needs you to write to them, asking them to pay coffee farmers a decent price, which allows farmers to afford to send their children to school, keep their families healthy and fed.

A letter from you will help keep the pressure on them and demonstrate that this issue will not go away until they share their massive profits with the people who helped create them. As previously stated Proctpr & Gamble have already buckled under the pressure from consumers, so don't say that your input doesn't matter!

To take action just go Here.

Supporting Fair Trade/Fair Trade Coffee gets easier everyday....

Largest U.S. Coffee Company to Pay Farmers a Fair Price

"Small-scale coffee farmers around the world scored a victory this week when Procter & Gamble (NYSE: PG), the largest seller of coffee in the U.S., announced that it would introduce Fair Trade Certified(TM) coffee products through its specialty coffee division, Millstone.

The announcement comes in response to dialogue with shareholders about the company's practices, as well as pressure from consumers, people of faith, human rights activists, and humanitarian organizations. With P&G's announcement that it will offer Fair Trade Certified(TM) coffee through Millstone, the advocacy groups have agreed to suspend their campaigns against the corporation and the shareholders have withdrawn the resolution they had filed on the issue."

For The complete article, click here

"No one can do eveything, but everyone can do something."

Interesting article,I think my favorite part is the "religious contradictions" at the bottom. At least the agnostics and atheists got it right...

Go Here

And go see "love actually."

Random realizations from the past week...

I've been really intense this past week, so that's why I haven't been around much. I don't know what's going on, but the creative 'juices' are definitely flowing. I've been writing, recording, and painting non-stop for the past few days. And I can't stop, because if I don't get this out (whatever this is) I'm going to explode. I know it sounds like I'm over-exaggerating, but I'm not. I don't expect anyone to understand, because I don't understand it all of the time either... but I've come to a point in my life where I can recognize the patterns in my behavior and how I choose to deal with certain things. Let's face it, human's can only absorb so much, and this is what happens to me when you wring out the sponge. And it's draining; it's painful.

As a performer, you will constantly hear people tell you that "you are your biggest enemy." This is true. The more I look at it, the clearer it becomes to me that all to often people really do underestimate themselves. Crazy as it seems, sometimes you have to tell yourself "There's more to me than you."

I've figured out why so many people (myself included) like to dwell in the past. There are several reasons actually. First and foremost: it's comfortable. There's no risk, and it's predictable since you already know the outcome of things. That's why the future is so scary... it's all risk and it's completely unpredictable. More importantly, the past is appealing because you don't have to fight for it. It is what it is becuase it's over and done with. It cannot be changed or re-lived... only remembered. The future, however, is something that we are constantly fighting for. Whether we realize it or not, there is an ongoing battle over what the future will become. It's interesting to think about what the world would be like if everyone decided to fight for the future they wanted.


"Just when you think you've got yourself figured out, God takes it upon himself to point out all you really are, and all you could really be."

Hey guys, go do this!
Oxfam's getting as many people as possible to sign a petition -
"the big noise" - to stop people getting ripped off in poor
countries due to unfair trade rules. Bono and Kofi Annan
are already supporters, along with thousands of other people
world-wide. They still need your support and that of your
friends, family and colleagues your to send a strong
message to our leaders that unfair trade is inexcusable.
click here to
"Add Your Voice!"

Well, I'm headed off to Hartford, CN for the weekend for the National Student Conference on Hunger and Homelessness. I'm really excited, and I think it is going to be a great weekend. Plus I finally get to go somewhere away from here! Actually, I don't mind being here all the time, but it will be nice to get away, even if i do freeze. Anyhow, be sure to watch OSU suffer this weekend during bedlam since I won't be able to! =) Right now, I'm off to bed for a couple hours seeing as how it's now 2am...

I love how when you go to google and type in Sunni Mercer, you get tons info and articles about my mom.... however... if you go and type in Danica... you find stuff like THIS!, or THIS! (as well as tons of foreign stuff).

Need some amusement?? Here ya go...

Perhaps I should explain first... So last night I'm sitting around playing guitar and wasting my time when suddenly, this stranger IM's me.... and this is what follows... Ive added commentary in parentheses... It's kinda long... so sorry about that!

RGWCMW: hi, do we know each other?
(I doubt it)
Mercerd84: possibly
Mercerd84: who are you?
RGWCMW: my name is tyler
RGWCMW: im from L.A.
(oh my gosh.. this guy has IMed me before!! hahaha)
RGWCMW: any of that ring a bell
Mercerd84: hmmm not really... I used to go to school out in San Diego though
RGWCMW: where at?
Mercerd84: Point Loma.. it's a small private school out there, not to far from SDSU
RGWCMW: cool, well hmmm
RGWCMW: you are on my buddy list
RGWCMW: odd
(you have no idea! esp. since I lied about all my info last time...)
RGWCMW: but cool at the same time, whats your name?
(oh boy, here we go)
Mercerd84: Danica
Mercerd84: (Day-nick-uh)
RGWCMW: cool name
Mercerd84: thanks
RGWCMW: ive never met a danica
RGWCMW: until now
(if I had a $ everytime I heard that, i'd be worth a lotta $$)
Mercerd84: i have to admit that I have met a few tyler's
RGWCMW: oh how sad
RGWCMW: like me the best though right?
(yeah, right...)
Mercerd84: oh yes, of course
RGWCMW: so where do you live danica?
(to tell, or not to tell??)
Mercerd84: I live in Nashville currently
RGWCMW: cool, do you like it there?
Mercerd84: yeah I do. i thought it was going to be super country or something. but it's actually not.
RGWCMW: thats awesome
RGWCMW: so my curiousity is getting the best of me now...
(if he asks what I look like, I'm going to cry.. or laugh... 1 of the 2)
RGWCMW: girl with cool name, lives in pretty cool place...
(oh no... I know what's comming.. he SO pulled this stuff last time!)
RGWCMW: i wanna know what you look like? is that uncalled for?
(hahaha. Yes, yes it is... wow this guy is strange)
Mercerd84: haha.. well... i'm about 5'8 and I have brownish reddish hair
RGWCMW signed off at 8:59:20 PM.
(it worked! I scared him away!! Geez, only I can repel strangers with such charm and grace.)
RGWCMW signed on at 9:01:53 PM.
(dangit)
RGWCMW: sorry
RGWCMW: got booted
RGWCMW: can you send your last im please
(oh good grief)
Mercerd84: happens to me all the time
RGWCMW: haha
RGWCMW: yeah AOL sucks
Mercerd84: haha.. well... i'm about 5'8 and I have brownish reddish hair
RGWCMW: lovely
RGWCMW: any more info you care to share?
(you wish)
RGWCMW: p.s. i love taller women, Im quite tall myself
(that's nice)
RGWCMW: so do you have any pics?
(hahaha where is a scary pic when you need one!)
Mercerd84: i don't have any pics on my comp, and I don't have a scanner here yet
RGWCMW: oh how sad
(yeah, for you...)
Mercerd84: yeah, i am behind the times
RGWCMW: haha
RGWCMW: its cool
RGWCMW: so what do you do for fun danica
(nothing that you would be interested in, I'm sure)
Mercerd84: well, let's see. here in Nashville I waste all of my money going to see shows and stuff, since live music is "the thing" here I guess you might say
Mercerd84: and school keeps me busy, but i manage to escape every now and then
RGWCMW: nice
(haha that's right i'm a nerd!! hahaha)
RGWCMW: are you into partying or hanging out with friends? or?
(or??? gee whiz)
Mercerd84: hmm it depends. I don't really consider myself the "typical" party type..
I'm more of a close group of friends sort of girl. Lots of "acquaintances", but about 5 really good friends
RGWCMW: cool
RGWCMW: well crazy having you on my buddy list
(isn't that the truth!)


What I want to know is... how do these guys find me?!?! It's actually really funny becuase he did IM me last year out of the blue and I had (and still have) no clue who he is except that he lives in LA, and I was afraid he'd want to meet or something so I lied about everything... so in all actuality, we have talked before... he just doesn't know that we are the same person. To add to the humor of the situation, I told Amy about him and she IMed him, and he told her how he was a model and how he would fly her out to one of his shoots sometime, and she could help with the changing! haha weirdo! And THEN he started asking for her measurements and crap like that. But.. the best part is the "pictures" that he sent. LOL wow... i'm gonna try and put them up on here later. They are hilarious!! They are modeling photos of "him." Yeah right.. what model goes around trying to pick up random internet girls who live all over the country?? (and has been doing it for a while now considering we had the same conversation last year!) lol

All I can say is... Thank goodness for AIMs blocking controls. (not that hell be "speaking" to me anytime soon.. I think I'm a bit boring for him... hahaha)

And Tyler... if you happen to be reading this.... Sorry, but you deserve it.

Have you ever wanted to be something other than what you are? I mean, I guess everyone does. But have you every wanted to be something less than what you are, just for the sake of having fun and making friends? Sounds a bit "high schoolish" I know... but more and more I learn that somethings never change, even if it is pieces of yourself. I guess, to put it bluntly... sometimes I just get tired of having to do the right thing all of the time. This may come as a shock to those of you who know me as the friend who always worries about your behavior... but I'm sure that others of you know what I'm talking about.

This morning I read the book of Malachi. Although I generally spend the majority of my time in the New Testament, there are lots of great things that I love about the Old Testament as well...and Malachi is one of them. Not only is it short (you can read the entire book in about 10-15 minutes) but I happen to find it relative to my life. Malachi is about God confronting a nation that has been going through the motions. By Malachi's time Israel's hope had faded. In fact, life seemed to have passed the Israelites by. They could not see that God loved them, and they felt that serving God brought no reward. So the book starts off with God reminding His people of His love for them, He then moves on to address their lukewarm actions and careless attitude. God tells the people that their actions are meant to symbolize an inner attitude and that they must practice their faith seriously. He even goes so far as to say.. "Test me in this, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it." (3:10) Wow.

So back to my life... After reading this, I got to thinking about my life and ways that I may be going through the motions, or not taking my faith seriously and all that. And I thought about how I have been wishing that my life were different and that I were more "wild" or whatever; and it hit me, that these past few days I have not been taking my faith seriously... on the other hand I have been treating my faith as if it were a burden... which, granted, yes it sometimes is.. but that's not necessarily a bad thing! After all faith grows through difficulty. But this morning I found myself in the same place that the Israelites did when Malachi brought the word to them: I felt as though life was passing me by (becuase I continually say no to so many "cool" things that I know aren't right)... and I felt that serving God brought no reward, but rather it caused me to miss out on stuff down here on earth. And then of course I came to my senses. Reading through Malachi and hearing God remind Israel of His love for them, as well as warn them of the consequences of a careless attitude, and then He ends it all off by saying, "Hey. There is a reward. Don't believe me? Try me and see what happens." Needless to say... Malachi was what I needed this morning.

Until next time... Oh.. and by the way, I got a new comment serivce since the old one broke!


"Temptation becomes a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block when you realize that it's just as much an opportunity to do the right thing, as the wrong thing."

Well there goes the whole post that I just typed. BAH!

This is for all of you guys out there who think they want to know what us gals are "really thinking"...

Mercerd84: oh i got asked out
Mercerd84: sorta
Autumnjon: interesting
Autumnjon: by whom?
Mercerd84: i don't know
Autumnjon: what?
Mercerd84: i don't know his name
Mercerd84: it's this guy that i see all the time in the bruin hills clubhouse
Mercerd84: i think he works there
Autumnjon: what did he say?
Mercerd84: could be an ra or something
Mercerd84: well we've talked before, and then today he was like "can I take you out for coffe?"
Autumnjon: did you say yes?
Autumnjon: wait...is he cute?
Mercerd84: haha which one do you want me to answer first?
Mercerd84: i guess you could say that I said yes
Mercerd84: i don't remember what I said, I just managed to avoid doing it today or tomorrow.
Autumnjon: more importantly...is he cute?
Mercerd84: he's cute I guess, I mean he isn't ugly or anything. Wow I sound really bad!
Mercerd84: let's just say that there is no attraction there
Mercerd84: for me
Autumnjon: he could be a friend
Mercerd84: yes, this is what I was thinking
Mercerd84: anyhow somehow I ended up giving him my number, so he's supposed to call
Mercerd84: i'm bad at this stuff
Autumnjon: how are you bad at it?
Mercerd84: i'm out of practice or something
Mercerd84: i'm good at avoiding! Probably too good.
Autumnjon: sounds like a success to me....except he's probably going to think it is a date, and you aren't...bad
Mercerd84: sigh. how do these things always happen to me
Autumnjon: at least he's straight
Mercerd84: i'm sure God finds this all very humorous
Autumnjon: yeah, he's been laughing at me for years
Mercerd84: lol, yes I suppose that is a good thing, but it would make things a heck of a lot easier on me if he were gay
Mercerd84: considering that I don't like him like that
Mercerd84: and hello, did I mention that I don't know his name!
Mercerd84: that complicates things, just a little!
Autumnjon: you can just mention a boy you're interested in over coffee...or when he calls say "actually i have a date tonight, maybe tomorrow"
Mercerd84: too bad that would be lying!
Autumnjon: and he'll say his name when he calls...he'll say "hi Danica...this is____"
Mercerd84: and yeah, I can just see myself bringing up other guys as we sit there drinking coffee... I could never do that.
Mercerd84: wow, I'm making this a much bigger deal than it really is. it's just coffee with a nameless guy, and you're right.. by that time, I'll know his name.

My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?

I'm lonely today. There are days when life is everything that you want it to be, and there are days where the only thing that makes you happy is the thought of leaving this world. Perhaps it is good that these days are few and far between. The majority of life is made up of what's in the middle... the days in between, you might say. I got to thinking about that a lot today. So much of life is spent waiting. You wait to drive, to graduate, to go to college, to fall "in love", to graduate from college, to get married, to have kids...etc. We set so much importance on a few distinct milestones in life that it seems as though everything else is boring and mundane. Today has definitely felt that way. as many of you know, I am not a patient person. I don't like waiting and I don't like feeling as though I have no control over situations in my life. But luckily for all of us I am willing to deal with the fact that that's just how life goes. And quite honestly we're never really in control of anything, we just like to think we are. Me especially.
I missed Point Loma today. All of my old friends, and the ocean. There's something about the ocean. Being able to sit on the cliffs and look out into it just seems to put everything back into perspective. It makes you feel small, but it reminds you that there is a whole other world out there, and that anything is possible. I miss the sunsets, I haven't seen a sunset since I was in Germany. I miss sitting on the roof of Nease at night. I miss Jordan and the other PLNU YIM kids. I miss spending finals week tearing pages out of my spanish book and giving them away to friends. =) I miss all the fun we had.
But through all of this I know that one day I will miss this place too. One day I will look back and smile about all the stupid stuff: the bad grades, the failed tests, the fact that I single-handidly managed to shut down the entire student body network. One day I will look back and wish that these days coud've lasted forever. Today is not that day.... but I am keeping that day in the back of my mind just to remind me to stop and enjoy life for what it's worth... even if it's not worth much at the moment. Sounds cheesy I know. But what can I say? It helps me keep things in perspective, and since I no longer have the ocean... I gotta use something.

It's stuck in last October.. but you might as well give it a shot...

So you know how back in the 7th grade you used to get all of those annoying surveys about yourself with about 100 questions on them... Only they weren't annoying until you were in about 8th grade? Well I got one of these the other day... only it had a nice twist to it... it had 30 questions and the object is to pick 15 of them, answer them and send only the answers to your friends, whose job it is to figure out what the questions are, based on your answers. Sound confusing?? Well, it is. But in my pre-fall break boredom, I actually decided to give this a try.... So for your enjoyment, these were my answers. Feel free to e-mail me with what you think the questions are. They're not that tricky, but it is pretty funny to see what people come up with.

1. ambiguous
2. failure/success
3. The ability to slack off and get away with it.
4. Skipping half of it!
5. Transferring
6. I hate being wrong.
7. People.
8. Rory Gilmore
9. Anne Shirley
10. Change the world, Sing, and love
11. Surrendering
12. Josh Shipp, the motivational speaker
13. Coldplay
14. Youth In Mission
15. Hello, Dolly!

Wow, I'm such a dork! But at least I admit it!

OU rocks. I smell national title number 8. New Orleans here we come... YAY! And yes.. I know that Green Bay lost... but it was in overtime to the Chiefs, who are undefeated thus far. We put up a good fight, and I'm proud nonetheless (<- is that really supposed to be 1 word??)

If you had a soundtrack for your life, what would be on it? Isn't that a great question? Tough one, I know. Have you ever put in an old CD or heard a song on the radio that you haven't heard in a while, and then all of a sudden... as if it were magic, you're transported back in time to when those songs were an integral part of your day.. and for a few moments you can remember exactly what you were going through at the time. Music is amazing like that. I know that there is some psychological jargon that defines this... but seriously... I just think that it's cool. Scents can do it too (think old bf/gf perfume/cologne) but the music thing is definitely more powerful. Which is why I tell people to always listen to good music... cause one day, years from now, you'll hear some old song that will take you back in time. And even if things were bad, at least you'll have some good music to fall back on. Or maybe I'm just crazy, and it's just me.

Now to boring details....
It's Sunday night and I'm taking a break from studying. Ok... so maybe I wasn't really studying hard or anything.. but I am locked in my room and I am working through notes and study guides.... so that's a start right??

Just so you know, life did get better after Wednesday's griping session. Turns out that all of my credits ended up transferring (although some of them were for weird classes). Yes I still have 2 tests, a midterm and a performance this week... but that's life for ya, so I can't really gripe about that too much. I think things cleared up the most once our concert was over with. Don't get me wrong, it went really well. Granted.. women's choir sucked big time, but I really wasn't all that suprised. Everything else went well, even though it was a 2 1/2 hour ordeal.

Overall... good weekend. I studied, cleaned, cooked (cookies, YUM!),did laundry, watched OU slaughter Texas, went to Pop/Rock showcase, and then off to Carrabas for dinner for Lindsey's birthday.

YAY for Fall Break this week!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm just a curbside prophet with my hand in me pocket and I'm waitin' for my rocket to come......"

Warning... extreme griping session will proceed this announcement... don't say i didn't warn you.....


Wow, ok so today has already been "one of those days" and it's only noon. This does not give me hope for the rest of the day. I guess I would say that it can't get any worse... but we all know that saying that pretty much garuntees that things are gonna get bad. So where to start... let's see.. well i realized that I have a test tomorrow that I haven't studied for yet and I still don't know what it's over. I also found out today that (much to my dismay) we have 2 oratorio rehearsals today... 1 from 3-5 and another from 7-9:30 ugh that's just not cool... add my my 1 o clock choir class to that and you've got 5 1/2 hours of choir in one day. For the love of all that is holy! I needed to go fill out job apps and all that great stuff... but noooo! We have 4 hours of rehearsal tomorrow too... I just have to make it to saturday... i just have to make it to saturday... i just have to make it to saturday.
Anyhow, so we also had this big freshman/transfer meeting this morning with the music department regaurding our transcripts and grades and advising and all of that.... WELL.... it turns out that the people on the hill (aka the administration people) seemed to have lost several transfer transcripts.... and guess whose is one of them. Yeah. Good guess. So I still have no idea what's going to transfer (but it had better well be everything!) And on top of all of this they started talking to us about grades... which I have a feeling that a couple of mine are abysmal at the moment so I'm really starting to stress out because I have a New Testament test on Monday and a Music History mid-term on Tuesday and I HAVE to get A's on them. I HAVE too. Now, I know what you're thinking... "She always says that! This is the girl that considers a C to be the end of the world... unless it's in spanish..." And yes this is very true... but this time I'm serious.... I HAVE to get A's on these tests. I just HAVE too. And to top it all off, I totally forgot that I have to write a letter to my dean regaurding the Hunger and Homelessness convention in Hartford at the end of the month. Since I'm on the board now, I get to go to the convention, and we traditionally pay for it by requesting support from our deans, and I have to have my draft turned in by tomorrow. Oh... and Thanks Eve.
In short... I'm stressed out! I need caffeine! And I need a break and I am SOOOO glad that fall break is only 1 week from tomorrow... but at the same time, I know that I'm going to have to get a job and be working then... and that stinks. I miss you guys a lot. I could've gone home for fall break but then I realized that I'm scheduled to sing in my seminar on wed at 2... and at the same time I really don't want to drive for 11 hours by myself until I absolutely have to... and then there is the whole parents thing... So I think I can manage until Thanksgiving. I really wish I could visit everyone in San Diego. Maybe over spring break.. we'll see.
Whew... ok now that I got that out of my system I feel.... well... the same actually. but maybe someone can sympathize with me at the moment.... Speaking of which... Blake.. I'm so glad we talked last night. You have no idea how hard it is to find straight guys who give good advice =) (no offense to any of my guy friends... chances are that pretty much everyone who reads this gives good advice) I hope things work out with you and stephanie.


Stress!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I had this huge thing typed out and then Blogger screwed up!!!!!!!!!! Baahhh!! Ok let me try this again...

So earlier today I decided to waste some time by reading through my archives. I have to admit that it was pretty interesting to see how much I have changed... or in some ways... haven't changed. It was also a good reminder for me on how life can sometimes take you by surprise. For example... do you guys remember David and CMC and Sound of Music and me wanting to change my major about 30,000 times?? I can't even imagine how different (and weird) my life would be if any of those things had worked out the way I wanted them to! Anyhow... so I read through over a year of my life today and I came to the conclusion that September, October, February and May are my favorite journal entry months. September and October are just cool, February is full of angst, so that's always exciting. And May is short and bittersweet.

Speaking of weird days (were we?).. I have been so moody today! Seriously, I hope I haven't yelled at any random people. (although I don't think I did) Choir was literally "the class from you know where" today. I forgot that it's a concert week, and since it is, suddenly all of the choir directors have turned into offspring of Satan. Sheesh, usually it's just Scruggs. Anyways.. piano went surprisingly well considering I didn't really practice this week. I was all stressed out, and then when the lesson was over, my prof was all complimentary and everything. So then I felt really guity because I got away with slacking off. I suppose that in any other class I wouldn't mind so much (in fact I'd probably be really happy) but in my private lessons I really want to utilize any and all potential available to me. Gosh I was lazy this week!! Although I will take a moment to say that Yes! I did finish my music history paper yesterday. 2 whole days early... this could be a record for me. And let me tell you... this paper is pretty dang good considering I was in complete agony trying to think of things to say for 3 pages (which really isn't that long... but when you don't know what you're talking about, 3 pages seems impossible)

Well right now I'm chillin to Gavin DeGraw. He's actually in concert opening for maroon 5 this weekend, but it's all sold out. Which is ok since I'll be at the Pop Rock Showcase that night anyway.

Well, before I digress any further (although, i don't think I could call it "digressing" since this whole post really has no central point.. in fact... i don't think that ANY of my posts have a central point... but oh well...) I will say farewell!! Have a great week.


yeah yeah yeah....

20 questions....

Why is staring considered to be rude? And how come little kids have no qualms with staring at people for long periods of time? Why does money suck? Why are people afraid of silence? What makes a person regret something? Is it because things didn't turn out the way they planned them to, or because things turned out according to plan? What makes something or someone funny? Whatever happened to the Corn Pops guy? What is this... a center for ants? Why is Dr. Pepper so good? Can you be mellow one minute and hyper the next without being bi-polar? Why is it that time is the only thing that can mend most wounds, but it can't make you forget them? How do moms know everything? If everyone in the world was bald except for 1,000 who had hair, would those 1,000 be considered weird and disgusting? Why do people generally crave junkfood like chocolate and chips rather than eggs or lima beans? If drinking milk were illegal to those under the age of 18, would more people under the age of 18 drink it? What in the world motivated me to do this? How come you can cry when you are happy, sad, or angry and you can yell when you are happy or sad or angry, but generally no one laughs when they're angry or sad? Why can't the game be called 19 questions? If happiness is really relative, then how come so many people care about what other people think?


"Beauty can do that; it scares you off, makes you keep your distance. It isn't like in the movies where the camera makes beauty seem like something that invites you in. In the real world, beauty is like a fence to keep you out, to back you off. And the most beautiful thing in the world today is mystery. For it is mystery that drives us, even when we do not know what it is that we crave."

Oh yeah, and for those of you who've been wondering... Guster rocked! if you ever get the chance to see them, ou should go. They put on a great show.


"It's all happening!"

Julie. I know how you feel. Only my problem now is that I know what I want, but don't know how to get it. And I don't know which is worse. But for now, here's my advice... (for what it's worth...) I'll start with a story... last year when I was learning to surf I didn't like it so much because although it seems easy and fun, it's actually a lot of work. So after paddling around chasing the waves for 2 hours I was getting pretty sick of things. And to make matters worse whenever a wave would come it was either too small or I'd chicken out and not risk it. Luckily my instructor was really helpful and by the end of my first time out I managed to at least get up onto my knees. Unfortunately I was really excited that I hesitated before i tried to stand up and then I fell off... but alas, I digress.

Anyhow, that day I learned several key things about surfing. 1. Initially, you have to go out to the waves, but once you get to the break point, you just have to be patient and wait for the perfect wave to come to you. 2. When that wave comes, if you hesitate at all, then you'll miss it. Now I'd like to take a moment to state the fact that I never in my entire life thought that i would EVER make an analogy between surfing and real life... but I've found that these same 2 rules really do apply to everyday things in life. Especially in your circumstance. For example, take a moment to ask yourself.... "If I could be anything I wanted to be, what would I choose?" and then ask yourself, "Is OSU going to get me there? Is this where the waves break? Or am I way off course?" Maybe you have several answers to question #1, and that's fine. Geez, look at me! I want to do everything! Anyhow, if OSU is going to get you where you want to go, then that leaves you stuck waiting for that perfect wave. You can only force things to happen for so long, and I wouldn't recommend doing that. You can spend years chasing after "waves" but ultimately, you can't "create" the perfect one, you can only follow the steps and then wait. So much of life is spent waiting, and it sucks. And finally, when the opportunity comes, you either take it or you don't. If you wait, it's gone. Don't give yourself the excuse to regret things later. And which do you think you would regret more.... Taking the chance and things not working out as you'd planned... or, Not taking the chance at all? Remember showchoir freshman year. Ugh I think that has to go down as one of the worst experiences of my life (right under the time when Jody threw up on the table at Zio's on our date....) Anyhow, I hated that class all year. I had wanted to get in so bad and then when I did it was awful. You remember. Well I can tell you that despite how awful it was, I don't regret doing it. I probably wouldn't do it again, but I definitely learned from the expereince, and I never would have if I had chosen not to go through with auditioning and all that.

You say that you don't know what you want, but then you follow this with a paragraph full of things that you wish for yourself. You say that you wish you "could get out of this place." The only thing stopping yourself is... well.. yourself. I know for a fact that you are smart enough to go and do anything that you want to do. Does that scare you or something? Too many choices? Have you prayed about this? And I mean, really prayed about this? You are an excellent communicator and I think that you want to be sociable, but not in the way that everyone else is sociable. Know what I mean? OH, and you are creative. I know you don't believe me, but trust me.. you are.

And finally, you say that you wish you didn't want others approval. =) Don't we all? Honestly though, I think that everyone on the planet wants approval to some degree. Some more than others, but the fact of the matter is that people may say that they don't care about what other people think, but let's face it, we all care a little. That said, I'll say this... I care about what people think, but not enough to change the things that I do, or who I am or anything like that. I wasted way too much time trying to force myself to be like other people, and it made me miserable. Truth be told that it wasn't until I broke up with you know who that I decided that "normal" is relative. If you want to sit and chill in your room while you read, then do it. Just don't allow yourself to feel guilty. It's hard, but just don't do it.

Jules, you are probably the nicest person that I have ever met in my life, and I think that's part of the problem. Not that you should be "meaner" or anything like that, but you definitely don't need to beat yourself up so much. Doing what you want to do doesn't make you selfish. Not in this situation. And choosing not to be sociable does not make you unsociable. Good grief, from the sounds of it you're running yourself ragged as it is. Take some time out for yourself. Introvert does not = boring. It just means that you are energized by time alone, rather than being energized by people.

You deserve to be the person that you want to be, and to have all your dreams come true. You definitely work hard enough. And one last piece of advice... the more often you take risks or try new things... the easier it gets.

Now go buy the new Dashboard or John M. it'll make you happy.

By the way, Vandy would be a good pre-med/med school =)


the book...

I watched TV for 3 consecutive hours tonight while eating Ice cram, oatmeal, and spaghetti with meat sauce. hmmm. Granted I did waste 5 hours in class, 2 hours at the gym, and 2 hours in the practice rooms today, so I guess you could say that I paid my dues. As many of you already know, I could've used a "Mentos" last night. To begin with I was fighting a huge dr. Pepper hangover and to make matters worse I finally had to reap the consequences of my amazing procrastination skills. So, I cleaned things up, balanced my checkbook, spread some goodwill.... etc. The usual. I also broke a string on my guitar. And I managed to achieve all of this by 1:30. Now that's talent. Now all I need to find is someone who can help me change my guitar strings....
I'm looking into booking a session in the studio sometime before the end of the semester, and I'm hoping that Josh will drag his Longhorn booty up here to help me do it. Now wouldn't that be interesting? And while we are on the subject of you.... are you bringing anyone home for Thanksgiving?? =) Just thought that I'd ask....
Jules, I'm serious about NYC. Let's do it. I'm sure the parents won't be too thrilled with the idea, but they already let me live in Europe for the summer, so I really don't see any valid arguments there. By the way, did I tell you that Jordan e-mailed me this week? Yeah. Call me. Oh and did I mention that foster kids have entered into the "cat lady" plan?? haha. yeah, call me.
Langley, are you behaving? How is Joel? I miss you guys. I'll be sending letters soon. In the meantime, don't do anything that I wouldn't do, and that's a lot!!
Luke, cousin, where have you been? I haven't "seen" you on here in forever! Did you pass? How's the story coming? How's the NCMO level holding out?=) And when can you come down? You always have a place on our couch!

blah blah blah...

Nikki... Don't ever think that I don't miss you or your friendship! I miss you a lot, and I miss Point Loma sometimes too... sometimes the light and the air is just right and it reminds me of San Diego, occasionally I even catch a whiff of how Point loma used to smell, and in that flicker of an instant I feel very sad as I remember the bonfires on the beach, hot-tubbing, sitting on the roof of Nease at night listening to the ocean, food runs to In N' Out and Adals, and of course all the friends that I made and left behind. Am I sad that i left? Yes, sometimes. But do I regret my decision? No, I don't. I miss you and 4th South and all of my friends very much, but at the same time, when I look back on Point Loma now I realize that I had become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Does that make any sense? I could've stayed at Point Loma, and I'm sure things still would have worked out alright, but I don't think I could have ever forgiven myself for letting this opportunity get away.
You ask how I am "really" doing. Well, after thinking about it. I am really doing good. What more can I say? God is good, and I am truly blessed. Just think about it. i got to spend my first year of college in Paradise (literally), I made many amazing friends (yourself included), sheesh, I even got to go to the Super Bowl! (thanks ashley!!!) And as if that weren't enough, I got to have the experience of a lifetime this summer in Europe with 4 strangers (including 2 beauty pagent girls!) Who would've thought?? And now, here I am at Belmont, "living the dream" you might say. Sure there are classes that I hate, and I'm getting really tired of "church shopping", and there are days where I have to remind myself to take time out to read my Bible and spend some serious time in prayer, but beyond that, I'm having a great time, and I am so thankful everything! I even found out today that I got one of the officer positions for the Hunger and Homelessness Comittee here on campus. In a few weeks I get to go to Hartford, Conn. for the national Hunger and Homelessness convention.
So I am good, really good; and I hope that you are doing well too! You are a great friend and you've got a great heart. You've always had the best advice for me, and you've always been supportive of me and my goals!! I am praying for you and your dad, and your family. Love ya!

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good....

I'm not failing New Testament!! Yet. And I don't plan to either. The predicament that I am in is completely my own fault. Truth be told, I'm doing really well considering I have yet to read any of the material. yeah, yeah, This is gonna come back to haunt me, I know. But seriously, I'm not bragging! I'm just saying that I'm having trouble getting motivated, that's all. Fact of the matter is that my latest test score has motivated me, so I don't think that this will be a probelm any longer. (I hope) On to other news...

I lost my wallet this weekend and I had to drive back to the Opry Mills Mall theater, to search for it. Turns out that I went in while a movie was showing, and I had to crawl around on the floor and feel for it in the dark. Luckily there were only 3 couples in the theater, and they all actually came to help me. Right in the middle of the movie that they had paid for! See, who says that there isn't any good left in the world?? Ha! As luck would have it, we didn't find the wallet that time around, but 5 minutes later after a thourough discussion with the manager of how to look for missing items in a dark movie theater I decided to try again.. and there it was wedged in between 2 seats. And all of my money was still there! ($1) =)

I'm currently surviving off of pasta, frozen veggies, and homemade cookie dough. i refuse to but more gorceries until my next check comes. Speaking of which... I need a job. Obviously I don't want one, or i'd have one by now. I mean, as it is I live for any minute that I'm not in class. If I get a job, what would I have to live for? My bed? Sleep? How depressing. What I really need is a job where i can work as little or as often as I would like. (not asking much am i?) I really only need 2-3 shifts a week, and then I'll be ok.

Did you know that the International Market has a minimum charge of $5 to debit cards? I learned this the hard way today when i was craving a Dr. Pepper (yeah yeah, don't start....) I went in and realized that I didn't have any $$ so I decided to use my ATM card, only to find out that I had to buy $5 worth of merchandise. Well I couldn't just be a normal person and leave now could I?? oh no... so what did I do? I ended up getting 4 packs of gum 2 candy bars and 2 dr. peppers..... Geez... Oh well, in the words of Mraz... "If you are what you eat, in my case I'd be sweet..."

Now that I've bored you to death... Talk to me!!

Ok, so now that I've scared you all off by my previous post, I thought that I would drop by to say hello. I had a wonderful day today. I got up and balancerd my checkbook and did laundry and all that other boring stuff that I'm sure no one cares about. Then I went off to Centennial Park to the Parthanon. That's right, The parthanon, right here in NashVegas. Don't even get me started. Anyhow, April and I headed out after stopping at Borders to buy a book and Eckerds to get Dr. Pepper, Pringles, and chocolate. (shocked aren't you?) It is just beautiful here today. It really reminded me of San Diego, and that made me sad, but I have to admit that it's hard to be sad when everything is so beautiful. Anyways, so I spent about 4 hours at the park talking to April, people watching, eating and reading. It was fabulous. Then we ate at this bread Factory place, which was wunderbar. Currently, I am procrastinating by choosing to write nausiating facts about my day while listening to the new Dashboard, rather than reading my New Testament stuff. What else is new? Not so much. Gospel showcase was really good. I was suprised. Very professional. And they say that this isn't one of the better showcases either. So I'm ready to see all of the others now! Well I guess I've bored you long enough. (that is, if anyone is still reading this) Until next time...

yadda yadda yadda...

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it...and my heart is going to cave in."

If I could just take a moment to clear something up... Topic and things on this site are confidential. Now yes, I realize that it is a public website, so anyone and everyone could stumble accross it at some point. But let's face it... they don't. There are many people in my life who don't know that this site even exsits and I would like to keep it that way. There are many things that I rant about on this site that are not for certain eyes to see. I started this site as a way of keeping in touch with friends and as a way off getting things off my chest. Let's face it, there are people in life who ask how you are doing and want to know about your life, when in all actuality they can't handle how you think and feel about certain things. This site is for those certain things, and it is to be kept from those certain people. I don't lie about how I feel on this site, and I don't want to start having to do that. Please don't force me to start a whole other blog to vent my frustration. feel free to come and read anytime. but remember, Loose lips sink ships.

Alles Klar?

I miss you too Amy. My friend April reminds me of you a lot. You'd really like her. I bought Almost Famous this weekend and thought of you. I watched the Lord of the Rings movies last weekend and laughed out loud when Sam almost drowned. I got the new Coldplay CD and am listening to it right now, thinking of you. This morning I was in class writing in one of my notebooks, and I found a page where you had written to me about how I was going to get into lots of cool colleges where I would have all the lead parts and then go on to play Dolly on broadway. I never found that page until today, and it made me smile, and think of you. I'm pretty sure that I will be staying home for the summer, working and going to school. I wish that I could be with you at the pity party. I wish there were such thing as luck, good or bad. I wish you would stop smoking. I wish I could go to china. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord. jer. 29:11-14

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.-Heb. 13:8


"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Heb. 12:11

Ahhh... It's that time again.... Time for one of my infamous lists...

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM BELMONT UNIVERSITY

1. Ignorance is bliss.
2. It all comes down to what sells.
3. Unless you are able to deliver compelling entertainment to those who are willing to pay for it, then you are just involvrd in an expensive hobby. (keyword being entertainment)
4. Loose lips sink ships.
5. This business waits for no one, it rewards those who take risks, and you must be present to win.
6. There are only 2 types of people who can be laid-back in this business: those who are rich, and those who never will be.
7. Multiple sources of income are essential.
8. Everything is negotiable.
9. Nobody owes anybody ANYTHING in this business until the consumer makes a move.
10. I will never be a guitar player.
11. Anyone and everyone is a musician, songwriter, and performer.
12. Who do you know?
13. One word: copyright.

You'd cry if you really knew.

Today it hit me that I can walk away. Really and truly, I can walk away from all of this right now, and still live a happy and fulfilling life; quite possibly even more happy and fulfilling. I mean let's face it... music is what I do, but it's not who I am. And besides... has anyone else noticed how screwed up the world is? Have you checked out any statistics on hunger or homelessness or AIDS? And I wanna be a singer. Pathetic really. I mean there are some serious problems out there and me going and singing happy little songs on some stage in some small town will never change that.
I hate this. I hate how I love to sing and I love to perform, and I hate how superficial this all really is. I hate how people are so jaded when it comes to how things really work. I hate how I'm jaded by what I think I want. I hate how I want to go to a creative access country with Youth In Mission this summer, but I can't, because I have to keep playing this game that I just can't win. I hate how I actually think that I can walk away, when in all reality, I can't walk away because now I'm in too deep, I'm stuck, biding my time, drifting along wondering how things will really turn out.
Maybe I'm crazy. or maybe I just had another mediocre performance, and it's starting to hit me that that's all I may ever be in this business, and I want more for myself than that.

For me, there is so much more to life than music... but it seems as though music is the life predestined for me.


No absolutions...

Hello to everyone old and new. Yes, I am alive and kicking, but I have been so busy doing nothing that it seems as though I have had no time to write. I miss everyone and I do feel guilty for being out of touch for so long. Jules, and Amy and Anita and Josh and everyone... I never see you online any more!! I miss you guys. I don't have a phone card so I can't call and I don't know any of your addresses so I can't even use snail mail... granted (and this is just now dawning on me..) I suppose I could've e-mailed you by now... but then again, you could also drop me a line now and then just to let me know that you haven't fallen off the face of the earth!
Life here at the "Rock N' Roll Conservatory" is going well. Most of my free time is spent watching MTV, going to live shows, and walking up and down Music Row. What more could I ask for? Ok, sure, I've learned a lot too... I mean, I can explain copyright to just about anyone as well as the cash and legal rights flow in the music business. But I could also tell you exactly who you are stealing from when you utilize kaZaa and other network MP3 file sharing systems. Don't worry... I won't.
This weekend I will be working at the Nashville New Music Conference. It's an event involving 350 artists/bands that occupies 50 different venues. Should be fun. I'll be at Exit In on thurs. and... oh i forget where I've been assigned for Sat. But it should be fun. My entertainment attorney/survey of music business prof. called for all demos by next Tuesday, seeing as how he is currently involved in working on a soundtrack for the movie "Valet Parking", due out sometime during 2004/2005.
More importantly, I have decided to apply for the position as an officer on our Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Board. If I get selected I get to go to some city somewhere (I forget where... Cincinati??) and attend a National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness training seminar. Then i will be able to come back here and train others, and plan events to raise awareness and support for the Hungry and Homeless in our area, and seeing as how Nashville has the 2nd highest hunger rate in the country, I feel that this is a very worthwhile opportunity, and I hope that I get to do it... if not, I will still be involved on the committee.
Well, I guess that's the news for now. Sometime I might actually talk about how I really feel, but I'm just too sleepy right now. Tchus!

You know what to do....

Sometimes it seems as though I have a lot of dues to pay.

The book...

la dee da... one of these days I will expound... but today is not that day.

I wish I were a great writer. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to write amazing stories. Stories that people love, stories that go on forever, long after you're dead.
The last dog days of summer are here. The heat is unbearable and the humidity is suffocating. Once again I find myself in a meloncholy state of being. Everyone is headed back off to college, one of my friends is planning a wedding, and another is due to have a baby boy any day now. It seems almost impossible that 3 years ago I was 16. I had a new drivers licence, a new boy friend and a used 91 Chevy Lumina. In those short 3 years I renewed my drivers license, ditched the boyfriend and sold the chevy lumina (I still don't know how I managed that one!). I graduated from high school, moved away from home to complete my first year of college in San Diego, lived in Germany for 2 months and I am now on the brink of moving again to live in Nashville. And I drive a 98 eclipse =). I guess you could say that things have greatly improved since I was 16. Now I feel old. In a little less than 6 months I'll be 20. 20! That's just sick! 1/4 of my life will be over! Baaah! (<--- New word I aquired in Germany.. it takes the place of Ugh!) I am sad. My friends are leaving and once again I am charting off into new territory where I know no one. For the first time in my life I am jealous that it's not me who is getting married.
Has every one heard the news about the Crown Victoria recalls?
Oh... any one who can needs to be in church Sunday night the 17th. We are showing our Youth in Mission videos and I'll be singing something. Not sure what yet... but something.

CHEER UP DANICA... (i mean, charlie)

Hallo everyone! I hope you all appreciate my blogs new look (yet again). I am back in the states and am proud to announce that I have enjoyed 4 Dr. Peppers and all of Harry Potter book 5 in the past 2 1/2 days. I also found a place to live for next year... FOR FREE!!! It's not exactly what I was expecting... but it is good none the less. I will be living with a family and sharing their oldest daughters bedroom. I"m not sure how long this will last... basically if I don't like the arrangement I can leave whenever I want... but then there is the whole 'finding an apartment and a job and money to pay for the apartment" ordeal... so at the very least, I will be staying here until Christmas... which at that point I will either move to the dorms or get an apartment with friends. That's assuming that I make any friends. (just kidding) Anyhow, the family sounds extremely nice and I don't see any reason why I can't have friends come and stay for a visit so I expect to see everyone in Nashville at some point!
As for this past summer... it was... in a word: Amazing! I'm hoping to go with Youth In Mission to China next summer!!! Assuming that we are allowed to go this year. Anyhow, I'm not really sure how I am supposed to write about a trip that I myself haven't fully figured out yet... but it was a huge eye-opening experience for me... on many different levels! It has been hard being home, although during debriefing (aka:counseling) they warned us that it would be. You see Amaerica in a different light (the way the rest of the world sees it) and you realize that your friends and family are really excited about you and your trip for a total of 10 minutes while meanwhile you yourself have yet to process much of anything about your experience. It's difficult. I've caught myself going through withdrawls of some type (or something) I have no idea what happened, I just kinda freaked out in my room and started crying and throwing everything. And then I was fine. Talk about bi-polar. I don't know what has gotten into me!
Moving on... now that I've scared most of you away.... amy... where are you?! I have post cards and a birthday card for you. CALL ME!!
Well I suppose that's enough for now. Until next time...

Leave Danica a Comment... she likes them... and checks them way too often...

Wow this format is new! Wow! Anyhow. Just wanted to say hello to everyone and to wish my own blog a happy belated birthday. The Days In Between turned 1 on July 17. yay! Anyhow, Germany is great. I only have 9 days left till I leave for LA, then 2 more days and I'm back in OK. The newest news?? I have no place to live next year. Belmont called my parents to inform them that they have no open rooms for next year. This came as a bit of a shock to me since I had no warning whatsoever that this could have happened. So... who knows what will happen. Maybe a room will open up, maybe I'll have my own apartment, or maybe I will live in someone elses home. Ya never know nowadays. Scary yes, especially since I don't have any money, but I know that God will work it out... and an apartment would be a lot of fun! Hmm... what else what else... I plan to change my blog around some more when I get back to the states. katie got engaged. I miss Amy and Julie. Julie... I read your blog, and I know how you feel. we'll talk more later.. but trust me... you are not the same person that you were before college started!! Trust me!! Amy... happy birthday babe! I figured I better say it now since I will be getting ready to fly over the Atlantic on the 30th. I miss you guys! My brother comes to visit this Thursday.. so I get to play tour guide! Yippee. God is good, and it is hot, hot , hot here! And no air conditioning anywhere! Whew! Well I have to get to planning our youth crusade for this weekend and we have coffee shop in about an hour. Pray for rain. God is so good.

Hallo from Deutschland!! I am having a wunderbar time! My German has even improved about 300%!!! Which isn#t saying much considering that I didn't know any German when I left... but oh well. Ugh this keyboard is difficult. hmmm Well there is so much to say and so little time (as usual!) So I will just say that I miss you all a lot, and I can't wait to get home and talk your ears off about this amazing trip! So far I've gone out for ice cream about 10 or more times, we've gone to Switzerland, and Austria, and yesterday I spent over €70 at H&M. Wow. Well I must run! Hope you are all having a super summer! (and luke... you better visit me, or else I'll juist take a road trip up north for fall break.. or both... who knows...) Tschüß!

Well. This is it. My last night at home before I depart for training camp and Germany. What a summer. I still can't believe that I'm actually going on a 9 week missions program, and I leave in less than 8 hours! Crazy. Even crazier though is the fact that I GOT ACCEPTED TO BELMONT!!! Now THAT is crazy. How do I feel?? Oh I dunno... Excited and scared. Happy and sad. Ecstatic and depressed. Better yet... all of the above. Of course I am sad to leave all my friends, professors, the beach, the weather, and all that. But I can't overlook the fact that Belmont is basically the number 1 school in the country for contemporary music and music business. The industry specifically looks for grads from Belmont. So yes, the side of me that looks towards the future is very happy, but the side of me that dwells in the here and now is having a harder time of it. Anyhow.. I guess that's enough news for now. I just realized that I will miss my "blogs" 1 year anniversary... so be sure and leave me a note!! I hope you all have a FANTASTIC summer. I plan on having one. See you in August!!

Tell Danica Congratulations, and tell the blog Happy Birthday!

I am old. My friends are all on the verge of getting married and having babies. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for them, and I approve of the people they have "chosen," but at the same time, I worry about them. And yes... part of me does feel jealous. Crazy huh? I mean, I don't want to get married right now or anytime in the next year, but someday, yeah. For now, there's just too much I want to do and experience. I'll have my whole life to be married. But I must admit that I am beginning to get the feeling that these things will never happen to me.

Can I get a what what what what what.....

So this is what regret feels like. Currently it's 2:15am, and I am thinking about Josh Shipp. Random, yes.. I know. What was I thinking? Well actually... I know what I was thinking and I was just following my emotions at the time, and I probably did the right thing... but I can't help but wonder... why couldn't we have met now instead of a year and a half ago??

Ugh...

They say that at the end of every journey there lies the beginning of another one. Regaurdless, lately I find myself in a rather meloncholy state. My freshman year of college is over and my time here at Point Loma may very well be finished. It's hard to believe that it's all over and it will never be again, that it can never be relived; only remembered. It's funny... when you look toward the future you imagine all of the things that you want it to be, you lay out your plans and your hopes, and you can't imagine yourself being happy with things going any other way... but once it's all over and you look back at it all in retrospect, you realize that nothing really turned out the way you had planned it, but you realize that you were happy nonetheless, and now you can't see things happening any way other than the way they did.
So that leaves me here, in front of my computer screen, wondering where this journey will lead me next. I've thought a lot these past few weeks about the decisions that lie ahead of me. I wonder if this week will be the last time that I will enjoy a Point Loma sunset, I wonder if I will be back next year to hear the ocean everyday on my way to class, I wonder when I will sit on the roof and watch the moon on the ocean again. Have I already enjoyed my last Ocean beach farmers market, my last walk on the pier, my last day of laying out on Mission Beach. I wonder, and I hope, but more than anything I wait. I wait to see where all of this is going, where I am going. I wait to see what God is trying to tell me.
For those of you here at Point Loma... it's been an amazing year. Difiicult, sad, scary, challening, depressing, upsetting, happy, and fun all at the same time. It's hard to believe how fast this year has gone by. I wonder if that's how life is... the older you get, the faster it goes. The other day I sat down with my journal to see if I had changed since my arrival here at Point Loma 9 months ago, and I found that I have changed. I have matured a lot, and I have grown quite a bit spiritually (though there is still plenty of room for improvement). Perhaps the most important lesson that college has taught me is that no one, and no thing has all the answers. Education, people, history, and art... all those things pose the questions. I used to think that I was going to college to get an education, and to prepare myself for a career out in the "real world." And then I realized that I'm already living in the real world and the truth of the matter is that sometimes I really don't know myself at all. And that's what I think college is about... opening your mind to all of the questions, redefining your limits and finding out who you really are, and through all of that, you recieve your education and training for the "real world."
It's been a crazy year, and there's no telling what lies ahead. So as my advice to you I say this: Jump in, swim strong, and see where the tide takes you.

Got words of wisdom or wit?

So much to say... so little time. Story of my life!!!

You know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of people who think they know everything. I'm tired of people who go out of their way to try and make you feel stupid. I'm tired of not being amazing. I'm tired of not being admired. I'm tired of not feeling special. I'm tired of being seen as a wallflower. I'm tired of waiting my turn. I'm tired of my roommate. I'm tired of being forgotton. I'm tired of people letting me down. I'm tired of not being remembered. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being second best. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of people disregaurding my feelings. I'm tired of being so far from home. I'm tired of being left out. I'm tired of living with 300 girls. I'm tired of spanish. I'm tired of practicing. I'm tired of tests. I'm tired of reading. I'm tired of writing. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of believing. i'm tired of hoping. I'm tired.

Don't bother... I've heard it all before...

Just so you all know... Blogger can be extremely retarded at times. I'm sure many of you have experienced this. For example, I typed all of this up last night at about 12:45 and all of a sudden, my computer decided to be stupid and blogger followed suit and wouldn't cooperate. I however, being the experienced Blogger user that I am, quickly copied and pasted the document into my Writing program andsaved it just as blogger erased all of my hard work!! 3 Cheers for me! Yay!! Yay!! Yay!!!

Ahh another weekend slowly comming to a close. Hard to believe that there is only one weekend of the school year left. Where has all the time gone? So far this weekend has been very nice! Friday I took the shuttle out to Target in hopes of finding a bathing suit... hmmm what was I thinking?? Needless to say, that didn't go too terribly well so i ended up buying these really cute work-out clothes instead. I suppose I have finally stooped to the point where I'm purposely trying to send myself subliminal messages. anyhow... friday night I went out with my hall (4th south.. not my new hall). We went out and stole a crate from a grocery store bought some Adal's for dinner and then headed out to Mission beach with our crate and a bag of marshmellows for a bonfire. I had a really good time although it was bittersweet in a way. After the bonfire we tried to pick a hotel to go hottubbing at and we finally decided on the Doubletree on hotel circle since none of us had been to that one. So there we were, approximately 12 college girls sneaking into the pool area when we realize that the lobby was directly adjacent to the hot tub. But we decided to try our luck anyway and sure enough, we never got caught! So we got to enjoy a full 2 hours of relaxation. In fact there were all these marines in the hot tub with us and as they sipped their Jack and Cokes (mixed right in the pool) they were very curious about all of us. haha it was really pretty funny. Anyhow finally at around midnight we ventured back to good ole Nease. Today, as many of you know, was supposed to be our Youth In Mission car wash.. but of course, of all the 10 days of the year that it actually rains in San Diego, today had to be one of them, so it was cancelled. So instead I sat around for a while and then went with Nikki to work out at Gold's Gym. I'm so buff! ok, not really, but I felt like I was once I was through! So tonight I watched The Wedding Singer and Gladiator and I ust got back from a food run. Alrighty.. well, there's your udate for now.. till next time keep a look out for the "Stool Softener" commercial on ABC... I found it extremely humourous!

Talk to me...

PS.. For those of you who are familiar with the CPC, it is back in full swing. hahah oo yes, more than you know... in fact, about 10 minutes ago some friends and I put on a nice show of it around the hall. hahaha

"Between ordinary and extraordinary, there are obstacles we all have to overcome; nobody gets a free pass. Outstanding people in every occupation, particularly spiritual ones, all go through it. It's what sets them apart. it's what ushers them across the bridge from medicore to exceptional. Without obstacles we'll always be ordinary."

Guestbook: AKA guests rantings and ravings.... join the fun!

Why can't I just be happy like everyone else?

Please tell me...

Ok so I decided that I can't exactly pity myself any longer... well, actually I can, but I really felt that not blogging was only harming myself... so there ya go. Obviously I didn't get into the Contemporary Music Center... but I did get waitlisted. I know I know, i should be thrilled consideringhtat they don't even take sophomores, but still, Rejection SUCKS! Anyhow, the good news about this is that I will have a pretty good shot at getting in for spring semester next year... but you know me, I'm not exactly the patient type, so this doesn't please me too much.
Plans for the Germany trip this summer are going nicely although I found out that they don't have Dr. Pepper so I wonder how I will ever survive. BUT..They did mention that we are planning on going to Switzerland. Rock On! This makes me happy.
Speaking of happy... I've begun to expand my schooling options... some of you knowwhat that means... as to the rest of you, I'm gonna leave you in the dark for a bit. (you knw I still love you, right?) Also, I uploaded our schools shared MP3 files and got some more music as well as 4 free CD's this weekend. Sigh... music makes me happy. well... actuallly.... most music makes me happy, and by most I mean just about anything after 1981. (as you can see, my wonderful music major continues to lose it's appeal)
Well I guess that's about it for now. Stay tuned though... pretty soon I'll be posting another one of my infamous lists... this one will be something along the lines of "the few and far between reasons why my freshman year in college was successful" or maybe more like "reasons why living in a Van down at Ocean Beach sounds far more appealing than going to class 5 days a week and paying $26,000 a year for it" Who knows. Till next time....

"When are you going to realize that 'normal' isn't neccessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage."



Scary thought for the day... Last night I did the unthinkable..... I did what any normal southern california college freshman girl would do... i actually sat down and watched ALL of "The Bachelor" shocking I know.... but it gets worse... not only did I watch ALL of "The Bachelor" ohh no... I also watched ALL of "Extreme Makeover" as well. don't say it... I know...

COMMENTS??

my whole life I have never been good enough. i've always been really close, closer than most people will ever be, but still not good enough. the sad part is that it has taken me this long to figure it out. you'd think i would've noticed before with showchoir, fiddler..., guys and dolls, music man, hello dolly, northwestern, OCU, illinois Wesleyan, achapel bands,and many others. i guess i'm a tad bit slow on the uptake. i can't even get solos in choir anymore. and this is a non auditioned choir. and i got to thinking, why does God hate me? What did I do? I mean come on, He obviously has no problem seeing me depressed and lonely and upset all the time. I really don't understand Him at all. which comes as no suprise to me really. i think i should be a phone solicitor for a living, i'm pretty dang good at that. i am so unhappy. i know that life isn't supposed to be great all the time, but come on! when is it my turn?? well i've decided that it's never going to be my turn and that i have seriously wasted the past 5 years into thinking that I would have a chance. who was i kidding? at least in high school i had a shot, i was actally talented at good old PCWest, and everyone knew that Mrs. Brown was biased... so i get rejected from all of the school's i had hoped on attending and i get sent out to good ole Nazareneville where it's just like summer camp all the time and everyone knows everyone and yet no one outside of the "bubble" has ever heard of the school. well i come and my one consolation is that i figure i'll finally have a shot at being a big fish in a small pond or something... but oh no... upon comming to college i have learned that i am not as good as i thought i was.. or as everyone used to tell me that i was. my own choir director doesn't even know my name. i've had him in class 3 days a week for 9 months now. i don't care that i am whining, i don't care that i sound childish and selfish and i don't care that i am throwing a pity party. don't tell me that's it's all going to work out, because that's just not the way life is. and you simply can't go throwing out sayings like that when you can promise me nothing. don't tell me how lucky i am and that God has a plan for all this and that it is all for the best. i'll believe it when i see it. i know that's a terrible thing to say and it shows my lack of faith and it's goonna make bad things happen and blah blah blah, but ya know... i really don't know how to handel this anymore... i'm tired.. i'm lonely, and i'm extremely unhappy. and i just don't know what to do about it.