Our daughter would've been 7 years old this October. I actually didn't openly acknowledge her birthday this year. It's something I have really mixed emotions about. For me October 3rd marks one of my most life altering events. I gave "birth" to my daughter that day but never had the opportunity to hear her take a breath of life. She gave me a gift the day I delivered her. She gave me the will and motivation to make it through this life to see her again.
Joy was named after my mom, Joyce. She was our first pregnancy. I'm sure everyone's first pregnancy is so memorable. Every little thing is something new. The first time you feel a baby kick or see the baby at the ultra sound. Koki went with me to every doctor's appointment.
The last appointment I had was at 36 weeks. That day we were watching my sisters boys and so they went to the appointment with us. The boys were being a little crazy so Koki was going to stay in the waiting room while I went back. Luckily they calmed down so we all got to go in. My doctor was at the hospital so his nurse started my visit (his nurse was in the ward we just moved into a couple months prior). She took us back to listen to the heartbeat and I remember her not being able to pick it up. I looked at Koki and then asked her if that was normal. She said sometimes it's hard to pick up a heartbeat but they were going to do an ultra sound to make sure everything was okay.
At this point I began to silently panic. They had Koki and me go across the hall into a different room where the ultra sound equipment was. They also had the front desk receptionist take my nephews so we could go by ourselves. I laid on the table while she began the ultra sound and held Koki's hand so tight. I couldn't hold back the tears and just remember silently praying that everything was okay.
The mood in the room was so solemn. After some time we knew something was wrong. The technician said she was so sorry but there was no heartbeat. The tears started pouring down my face and I had no idea if I was going to make it through this devastation. They gave Koki and me some time by ourselves until the doctor came. We just held each other and cried. I asked him to give me a blessing that I could have the strength to get through this.
Little by little we called our family members and shared the news. My mom was the first one we called. She was putting a baby shower on for me that night. She had to leave a note on her door that the shower was canceled and rushed down to Provo to be with us.
The next 24 hours were kind of a blur. We stayed at my brother's condo in Provo and waited for the induction process to begin. We had a family prayer and Koki was given a blessing from my dad and brother's. There were moments of strength and moments where I just wanted to cry and cry. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father blessed me with an amazing husband because I felt like Koki had to literally carry me through the journey. He never left me alone. He held me all night like a baby and let me soak his pillow with my tears. When it was time to go to the hospital to start the induction we asked our family to let us begin the process on our own and then join us as it was further along.
I don't remember too much. We had a lot of visitors in and out while we waited for the baby to come. Some massaged my feet, others brought gifts, everyone tried their best to make a hard situation better. There was a point where I felt so numb from the epidural that I couldn't move any part of my lower body. My sister's father in law happened to be visiting and he's an anesthesiologist. He had them turn off the machines because he said it wasn't normal that I was so numb. We were also worried that I wouldn't be able to push the baby out because of the lack of feeling.
When I was finally ready to deliver I had a breakdown. I was scared of how she would look. I wasn't sure I would be able to have any kind of strength to get through the delivery. I had no idea how to prepare myself to deliver our first born child and know she wasn't going to live.
One of the saving graces during the delivery happened when my sister in law, Marie, from Washington showed up. I was in the middle of pushing and remember being ready to give up. Marie came in at the perfect time and told me I could do it. My daughter needed me to deliver her. With that encouragement Joy came into this world.
I look back at this experience and can't believe it was seven years ago. I have moments where I feel Joy is close to me. I believe she watches over our family and I can't wait for the reunion we're going to have with her. I'm grateful that at the beginning or our marriage Heavenly Father gave us this experience. I feel it has shaped our marriage and family to what it is today and gives us another reason to live so we can be a family together forever.
