As in was debating with myself, i ended up with the conclusion that
"All I need is reassurance."
But I realize that's too big a task for someone who isn't your family or your partner.
So I have to be more realistic in my expectations on how to deal with this situation.
Conceal, don't feel.
Compartmentalize, rationalize, until you remove every strand of emotion.
It's kinda unfair, really. To expect everyone to pay equal attention to everyone. I mean, I myself couldn't do that. I have my own biases and my own lapses in attention sometimes and I bring hurt to my friends. So I have to expect and forgive others when they do the same.
But it's twice or three times now and each time the irritation rises I immediately try to squash it down. At least I'm glad that I'm aware it's wrong to feel annoyed. And i understand perfectly why things are like that. Can't say I didn't expect all these to happen before it happened. But I don't expect you to make me feel better, and no I am seriously not guilt tripping anyone here. I believe everyone is responsible for their own happiness, so they can't blame anyone for making them unhappy.
Conceal, don't feel.
When should you actually voice out your insecurities and when should you keep it to yourself? I don't want to be a burden. But I fear missing out. Actually since the start. Since last year. Since a long time ago. Is it right to say that I've never felt safe? But that's not your fault. I think I simply don't trust anyone that much anymore. It's hard to trust anyone.
Im nodding off. I guess the post has done its job. Sleep and forget.
And hope you'll never find this place.
我要的 我現在才懂得
選擇是我的 不是你給的
幸福要自己負責
錯過的
請你把握
it's been a few years since i came back.
i was quite surprised to see that i created so many blogs.
must have wanted to split my posts so that it'll be harder for people to find haha.
it's been 7 years and some demons never go away.
i realized i'm constantly fighting against my own insecurities and sense of inferiority.
it gets stronger each time i become closer to someone i deem precious and important.
i didnt think it would happen again after the first time with masamune-dono.
i think i've learnt to handle it better.
i no longer lash out as easily.
i'm not that destructive anymore.
but it still eats on the inside, and it bothers me a lot.
but it really sucks to be ignored
or to be swept aside
it's like nobody else really cares if you are there or not
it really sucks, and it bites me all the time
so much so that i can feel the physical ache.
i'm not asking for fame or popularity, i don't need that
i'm not ambitious
but i admit i crave acknowledgement and recognition.
and i keep telling myself,
as long as 'they' know i'm here and 'they' tell me that there can be noone else but me
it's fine.
it might be short-lived and it might be temporary,
but it'll do just fine.
so i tell myself
''it's okay.''
''it doesn't really matter anyway.''
''all these-- it's not real.''
''we will lose everything one day anyway.''
and detach myself the moment i know i've fallen too deep
because it's easier to tell yourself that it doesn't matter
than to admit that it does
and realize that you can't keep it with you forever
and feel the heartache when you lose it.
And this time,
I think.
Just maybe.
I'm ready to let you go.
i know i won't be able to hold on to you forever, as much as i would love to.
he's a nice guy. i think he'll be able to make you happy too.
and he'll always be there for you,
something which i can't do.
i just hope that no matter what happens, you will not forget about me.
i hope you'll still miss my company
i hope you'll still accept my dinner invitations or ask me over.
i won't be able to meet up on tuesdays anymore, so i know meeting you will be even harder.
i hope he won't stop you from seeing me
i hope he will forgive me for being possessive when i'm with you.
hahahah i'm speaking as if you're already in a relationship already, am i not?
ahhh.
why am i tearing up.
you will forever,
forever,
forever.
Be my Masamune.
"I cannot say a word of comfort
to the warrior vanishing into the morning mist.
I place one petal onto the palm of my hand
for i have nothing to rely on now.
Slowly swaying, swaying
Even as the sky spreads out a deep crimson cloth.
Even if I lean against the cherry tree,
I will not allow my tears to fall."
It hurts.
It still hurts.
"Through the door there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name."
12 August 2012
There is no such thing as fulfilling your dreams,
and every wish comes with a price.
Those whom i held closest to my heart, seem almost like strangers now.
once afraid and paranoid even at every little thought of losing them,
now descended to a quiet calm.
I think i taught myself not to care.
Caring too much hurts.
getting too close to a fire will only result in burns.
But sometimes, i wonder, how can i forget what it's like, when it was once the only thing that kept me going? Influencing every little thing I do in life, possessing my thoughts and feelings. How could I forget what it feels like to like someone, to feel happy to see them. to get excited at their mere presence, to be able to smile to myself, to joke and put down all my guards when I'm with them?
Forget.
Forget everything.
Forget all those feelings, emotions, heartaches, paranoia, joy, ecstasy, excitement, anticipation, happiness, fun times you had doing stupid things together.
one year ago i fought with you.
i think neither of us really recovered after that.
too many things which were kept and not said;
said but misunderstood,
understood but not interpreted entirely.
forgotten promises and dying dreams.
and because we are both the kind who would rather run away than confront our problems,
we ran.
in opposite directions.
held the same thoughts, the same worries, the same paranoia--
but we ran.
unfortunately not together.
all that angst-- and all for nothing.
of course i only have myself to blame.
i imploded-- i always do.
worries grew on worries and i second-guessed everything including myself.
i always thought i wasn't worth your time.
didn't dare to tell you things because i didn't want you to judge me.
had to debate if i was disturbing you,
whether what i said was interesting to you.
kept the light-hearted retarded naivety in front of people,
desperately trying to maintain the illusion that everything was back to what it was
that everything is fine.
a problem exists only when you acknowledge it to be so,
right?
....i can't even remember what outings with you were like.
i cannot remember what conversations with you were like...
i think it was a countermeasure.
i think my brain forced those memories out.
because it would have hurt so, so much to remember what life then was like.
so i forgot.
i didn't dare to think about it.
i still don't dare to.
i really wanted to do something epic with you.
really wanted to do something memorable,
something great.
something the both of us can be proud of.
this is the reason why i spiraled down into frustration and anger
and finally resignation.
i just wanted to do something great with you...
don't ignore me,
pay a little attention to me,
why do you seem so indifferent?
but i think my thoughts came across wrongly
and i gave you pressure instead.
always have this thought that i wasn't worth the time
not worth the effort.
why would you care?
i'm too much trouble.
so you build up those impenetrable walls around you
and they get higher and higher each time i see you.
"Distance might do us good", was the unspoken conclusion, i think.
But it was the last thing i ever wanted in my life
especially from you.
”そして僕はまた歩き出す
そう
あなたの終わりを背に。”
