Inching my way back

Well, that was unfortunate. I had a migraine that lasted between 3 and 4 days, and the last day was Monday. My husband couldn't take off work and I had no one to call upon to help me, so I watched over my girls while lying on the couch, ice packs pressed fruitlessly to my cranium, hoping that 14 straight hours of TV wouldn't permanently scar them.

Since then, I've just been trying to catch up on all the things I wasn't able to do for those days - like eat, shower, and not want to die - and the girls have been clinging to each leg as I do them. And if I should try to sit at the computer for 10 or 15 minutes to dash off a quick blog post, the little one grabs my hand and yells, "Pull, pull, PULL!" Which means, "I am pulling on you because you are obviously doing nothing of any real importance and ARE YOU LISTENING? PLAY WITH ME. NOW. DON'T MAKE ME GET OUT THE BOOK THAT MAKES HIDEOUS MUSIC."

So thank you everyone who commented while I was away. I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer anyone back, but I'm sure you understand I couldn't risk having my eyeballs explode.

I'm working on a post that I may or may not decide to publish that is not funny at all, but I swear the potty mouth you come here to read will return soon.

In the meantime, I'll show you my next project. I found this tutorial for making soft baby blocks, and it actually made so much sense that I was able to read it once and then do it without having to refer back to it. I could do these in my sleep now, though I would surely still manage to poke myself in the face with a pin each time (seriously) because no matter how good I get at this (ha) I will never lose my capacity to be a total spaz.

From The Bitchy Stitcher

no tutorial yet

Massive migraine since Saturday morning. May last a few more days. May need to remove my own head to get relief.

I'll get back to regular posting as soon as this ends.

Sorry about that

Sorry about that last post. When I found that giveaway, I just had to enter to win it, but it required making that post, and my avarice got the best of me. I can, however, promise that if I ever decide to give away something I've made, I will not require anyone to post anything on their own blog in order to win. Because God knows you'd be getting a half-assed piece of crap that I probably threw across the room several times and possibly even stomped on and, really, I should be begging you to take it off my hands.

And speaking of half-assed pieces of crap - I took myself up on my offer to improve the pattern for that last bag I made. I added a "hidden" pocket, cut all the pieces with a ruler and rotary cutter, and took pictures along the way so that I can offer it up humbly as my first tutorial (well, first real tutorial). I call it the Bitch Bag, and I hope to have it up by the end of the weekend.

I can tell you're just quivering with anticipation. Or is that snickering?

Marie-Therese Gown GIVEAWAY !!!!!!!

This is freakin' amazing. Go there. Now.

Marie-Therese Gown GIVEAWAY !!!!!!!

Thanks, Melissa!

Melissa over at Cornbreadandbeansquilting has posted her first tutorial today - a super easy wallet/coin purse that even a moron like me can do:




I can attest that no foul language was used in the making of this wallet, so, yay Melissa!

Stop me if you've heard this one

Since simple handbags are fun and relatively easy for me to make, I've decided to try a few as Christmas gifts this year. My husband asked me to make one for his mom, and I finally found just the right combination of fabrics for her. I was going to use the same pattern as from the first bags I made, but then I found a pattern in issue of Quilts & Gifts to Give that I picked up on one of my JoAnn runs. Here is the result:

From The Bitchy Stitcher

From The Bitchy Stitcher

Now I realize I may have exhausted this topic before, but it is a freakin' miracle I managed to put that thing together SINCE THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE WRITTEN BY HALF-WITS ON CRACK. They even promise that their team of cracked-out morons has "reviewed the materials lists, how-to directions and illustrations to make sure the information we provide is clear, concise, and complete." And by clear, concise, and complete they mean obtuse, absurd, and seriously fucked up.

They even include a handy pattern to cut out, except they printed it all mashed up to save space. When you are cutting the outside, the pattern is in two pieces because you have two fabrics, see, but for the inside, the lining, you would need to take those two pieces and tape them back together. However, they neglected to mention that part. So, if you follow the directions for cutting the fabrics, you end up with NO LINING. And the pattern for the flap is printed INSIDE one of the other pattern pieces. Sheesh. I hate patterns anyway - I always end up with wonky pieces of fabric with edges that look like they've been gnawed on by gophers or something.

So, I'm thinkin' that this bag could be seriously improved upon by some - oh, I don't know - directions not written by lunatics and could actually be made without a paper pattern. And, if that is the case, and if I were to actually accomplish such a thing, then perhaps I could post my own (real) tutorial. Perhaps. If, you know, anyone would be interested in such a thing.

Will sell myself for blog hits

Yesterday at Chez Bitchy was spent carving pumpkins and acquiring a very important white Power Ranger costume for a certain 5-year-old. I had hoped that by teaching myself to sew and immersing myself in the world of crafty blogs, I would finally be in touch with the part of the brain that can create cool Halloween costumes. The last time I had a great idea for a costume, I had neither enough time nor willing participants to execute it. It was to be me and three other girls, festooned with crowns and dresses constructed from feminine hygiene products. We would be Queen Tampax and her lovely daughters Stayfree, Carefree, and Maxine. Trust me, the idea is way funnier when you're 20 years old and stoned (NOT that I would know). But other than that the Halloween fairies have never graced me with another original thought, or even with the gumption to copy something else. I think the last time I dressed up was in eighth grade, and I was still using the black cape and grey wig from my role as the hag the wicked queen turns into from my 3rd grade school production of Snow White. Even now, with the plethora of costumes available for purchase online, the "plus-size" selection is limited to "sexy" pirates and vampires. I'm about as sexy as a mailbox, and just as shapely.

I'm so glad my tutorial has been received so well! I have to admit I've become kind of a whore for blog traffic and I've been obsessively looking at my Feedjit stats over to the right. Feedjit gives you a real-time list of who is on your site, listed by geographic location and how they got there. (Don't worry - it doesn't tell me anything private.) For instance, I can see if someone found me through a link on another site (and thank you everyone who has linked back here after receiving your awards!) or if they got here through a Google search. A couple weeks ago, someone actually searched for "quit job fuck all y'all" on google and this post came up second! See - profanity can be useful - don't let your mama tell you otherwise.

Honestly though, I love seeing your comments and seeing so many new visitors come through here. Every time I see that someone from Norway or Finland or Japan has been here, I imagine them shaking their head and muttering "Americans..." as they quickly click on to something more relevant. But if I can make one Scandinavian, one Pacific Islander laugh at a stupid pot joke - well, then not knowing how to sew worth a damn won't seem quite as pathetic.