pssst...

I'm over here.

accidents happen...and update

I'm just gonna' lay it on the line for y'all...I hate football.

And after tonight, I hate it even more.

Last year, my son, even though he was in the 5th grade, played on the 6th grade football team at his school because not enough kids in the 6th grade go out for it. Unfortunately, the 5th grade players are side-lined most of the time because, afterall, it's a 6th grade team.

Needless to say, my son didn't get to see a lot of play time and came to dislike playing the sport. He decided half way into the season that he was not going to play it again because he was better than just standing on the sideline. I tried to convince him to try it one more time because being in the 6th grade, he would be played a lot more. He wouldn't hear of it and I completely understood his choice.

Over the summer, his father became increasingly annoying telling me that we should encourage him to play football this year. I told him that just because he enjoyed the sport didn't mean our son had to and I would not encourage him to play a sport that he had told me numerous times he didn't want to play. I got a lot of shit for that but I didn't give a damn.

Every August, the 6th grade football coach offers a flag football camp right before school starts. I signed my son up for it again this summer mainly because it gave him something to do than just sitting on his ass in front of the TV. He didn't want to do it but he did. When he came home after the first day of camp, he announced to me that he would, in fact, be playing football this year for his school's team.

Great.

Of course I support my son whatever he chooses to do. He's had a great run this season thus far and I'm extremely proud of him.

Then tonight happened.

One of his teammates, took a powerful hit to the back and landed face first on the field. We waited and waited. He didn't get up. In fact, it appeared that he wasn't moving at all.

Time passed. The kid's parents went out to the field and laid down next to him. Honestly, if it weren't for a few adults fanning him with towels to keep away the gnats, I would have thought he was dead.

I watched through the zoom lens of my camera. Seriously, he wasn't moving.

We all heard the sirens. I watched closely as I saw one of the paramedics touch each of his legs. I figured he was seeing if the kid had any feeling. We were all sitting on the edge of our seats.

They immobilized his head and neck, put him on a back board and then onto the gurney. Last I heard, the kid had gotten tackled pretty hard, twisted his back and when he landed, his legs went numb. He had feeling, but they were numb. Poor kid.

Fucking football.

So much time had passed that all us parents thought they would call the game but they went on playing. Soon after, I saw a helmet laying on the field and another one of my son's teammates crying out in pain.

Fuckin' A!!

Of course it's the quarterback who pretty much carries the game on his shoulders. Apparently what happened was that he was tackled so hard, his helmet literally popped right off his head and then the fucker who tackled him rolled on top of him and broke his fucking wrist.

Not his throwing arm but I doubt he'll be allowed to play with a cast on his arm. Frankly, my son's team pretty much sucks but this quarterback is really the star of the show.

Soon after, the game was called. It had something to do with the last injury but also because no one had a fucking clue how to turn on the field lights!

My son looked completely defeated coming off the field and so concerned for his teammates that I thought he was going to break down and cry. Even now, he's too torn up about it to tell me what his coach told them when the first boy was taken off the field.

So that was my evening...lovely, wasn't it?!

UPDATE: With regards to the boy who got sacked and then taken away by ambulance, he's fine. He's bruised and sore but all is well. The other boy didn't make out as well. He broke both his ulna and radius in his left forearm.

As I said before...fucking football!

i am in a foul, foul mood

I figure while I have the bitch theme going here, I might as well do some of it before I close down this blog.

Let me just get this outta' the way...I'm PMSing and my hormones are not being kind to me.

I hate using the word 'hate' but it applies so well to the asswipe drivers here. Now, again, I don't claim to be the perfect driver but if one more fucking douche bag tailgates me, merges into my lane without signaling nearly driving me off the side of the road or some old fart isn't tall enough to see over the steering wheel and therefore, swerves all over the fucking universe, I am going to pull out the imaginary M16 I keep in my car and blast them all to Stupidville where all the stupid-ass drivers reside.

The person who shall not be mentioned here obviously never learned any manners growing up. He probably had his dick in his ear or something while his mother was talking. There are three people whom I consider to be the most selfish people I have ever known and he is at the top of the list. He asks me to do favor after favor for him but getting him to respond to a simple fucking Email is like pulling pubic hairs out with a fucking tweezer. After he asked me in a text message to drop the kids off after my son's football practice tonight, I wrote him an Email and told him that I don't expect much where he's concerned but if he expects me to do him favors, then he needs to reciprocate even if it's something as minor as responding to an Email about something regarding the kids. He wrote back, "What favor?!"!! Can someone be that oblivious?! I actually had to respond defining the word 'favor' for him. If someone is going to the brain bank, could you please pick him up one that doesn't have a dent in it...from my kicking it in.

Schwartz is a fucking shit monster. It all started this past weekend when we had torrential, non-stop rain the entire weekend and he just decided that he was going to make my house his own personal toilet instead of going outside to do his business. Boy, can he be so disagreeale sometimes! My house smelled like dog ass the entire frickin' weekend. And today...OMG...my daughter took him outside and I swear, he was inside for two minutes and I turned my back for two seconds when he shit all over the front hallway and dining room. Over the weekend he shit in my bathroom too! I can't fucking stand it anymore! My son actually asked if I just couldn't stick his ass on the toilet!

Montana is driving me nuts. He can't stand the collar so he's constantly scratching at it. The noise wakes me up in the middle of the night. I don't know what is worse...listening to him yarf all over the place, Schwartz's stanky ass in my face on the pillow next to me or listening to the non-stop scratching at that damn fucking thing!

The next complaint is reason #409 why I choose to remain single. Facebook has put me in touch with quite a number of people, including people I'm getting to know through mutual contacts. So this guy and I started talking one day about a month ago and even though he's 1,000+ miles away and there's no chance that we'd ever meet or get together (the story of my life), we've been having some great chats. Until this past weekend.

Both of us are divorced and neither of us had our kids this past weekend so we decided that it would be a good time to chat away. Only, come early Saturday morning, he decided to make a rude and very unnecessary comment to me which completely turned me off from ever communicating with him again!

Now, it's not so much what he said (it was through IM and I realize that it was probably a joke) as much as it was completely inappropriate and unfunny, if there is such a word. It was not sexual, it just gave off the impression that he thought he was too good for words to express - too good for anyone. Sorry, I hate shit like that. I can't stand people who think they're above anyone else. Even if it was a joke, which I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say it was, I just can't be bothered. I've done everything I can to avoid him online, he didn't call me this weekend either so he must have known that I was perturbed, and he hasn't tried calling me since. Thank goodness for small miracles!

I'm sure the above are not the only things I can bitch about but it's the end of the day and I'm not as on-the-ball as earlier!

no worries

I just wanted to lay some of your concerns to rest regarding my blog.

Nothing has happened to cause me to lay this blog to rest. As far as I know, the person who shall not be mentioned here has not found my blog nor has he threatened a lawsuit because of its content and no one has trolled my blog causing me grief. Like some of the men I've dated, I just tend to get bored!

People who've followed my blogs for awhile know that I tend to give up on one blog and start another after about a year. While working on one blog, if I happen to come up with an idea for another, I jot it down. Right now, I have about ten blog titles listed on my dashboard page that I will probably use at one point or another.

One of them is about to be born. The content and tone will more than likely be the same - a raging Jewish bitch voicing her opinions and telling it like it is! The design will still be boring and lame because I have no color scheme know-how and because a blog that is too busy-looking makes me nervous! *snicker*

So please don't worry. It's all good!

stick a fork in me, i'm done

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been a little over a week since my last blog post.

Kinda' inappropriate for a Jewish girl to confess in such a way especially during the Jewish New Year, but hey, when have I ever been appropriate?!

The thing is, I think I'm all blogged out. When I have the time to blog I don't feel like it and when I feel like it, I don't have the time!

And I'm sure it comes as no surprise that Blogger's been acting like a real fucker lately, too.

I used to blog all the time, every day sometimes several times a day. The motivation to do so just isn't there. Blogging has always been such a wonderful outlet for me and I'm sure y'all can tell that it's something that has allowed me to really work out my aggressions. The thing is, I'm not that pissed off at most of the things I used to be pissed off at! Well, that's not entirely true. As I get older, I've noticed that I'm more impatient and intolerant of most things and people and there's not enough space to write about it all!

Or this could be a sign that it's time for me start anew which is funny because this blog just had it's first anniversary and I was all gung-ho about continuing on. Hmmm...maybe 'continuing on' is what's in the cards for me.

So I'll give you the latest news and then I think I'll be done for awhile.

Montana had his eye surgery last Monday. He came out of it fine although he has an eye flap helping to keep his eye closed which is stitched shut for another week to help with the healing and he is far from happy. I mean, if you had your eye stitched shut and had to wear a collar for two weeks, I don't think you'd be too pleased either! On a daily basis, I have to give him two eye ointments a buttload of times per day and I have to give him a quarter of a pill by mouth to help with the inflammation. I'm fairly certain I'm on his shit list right now. All this should allow the wound to heal...just in time for Schwartz to fuck him up again.

I'm sure there's other shit to tell you but I'm too damn tired to bother! So I guess that's it for now and I'll be around to your blogs soon.

In the immortal words of Ahhhhnold from The Terminator, "I'll be bahck."!!!

absence makes the heart grow fonder

I've been absent from my blogging duties for a few days. You know you missed me, bitches. Don't deny it. You sit there in anticipation of my next post. Shut up, yes you do. I know you do. You suffer withdrawal symptoms worse than one suffers from crack.

Speaking of crack, my daughter is still going at it. I ask her to fart and she farts. If I asked her to fart ten times in a row, she could do it. There's something seriously wrong with her bowels. She now says I should create a farting competition. We should call it Fart Fest 2008 and she assures me she would win the first place prize. A year supply of beans, perhaps?! No no, I think it should be a trophy of a figure in a squatting position with a poof of air coming out of his/her ass. Ahh, perfect.

Anyway...

Since my last post, I have done the usual motherly duties of laundry, helping my son with a school project, chauffering the kids here and there and dealing with a cat ailment. This past week I found out that my eldest cat, Montana, has to have eye surgery to repair a puncture wound that our dog made when he thought it would be a good idea to stick his tooth in the cat's eye and bite down. Cringing yet?!

If you guessed that I have to spend more money, you were right. The surgery will cost more than my new TV set and entertainment stand.

*shakes head*

Most people, even cat owners, don't know that a cat contracts Herpes as it passes through its mother's womb. In most cats, it remains dormant their entire lives. It is usually onset by a severe illness or a period of extreme stress.

When we first moved down here in the summer of '99, my cat developed a urinary tract infection on top of a severe virus. Three weeks after we moved in, we had to evacuate suddenly for Hurricane Floyd. The pressure was on and everyone felt it. The day after we returned home, Montana's left eye was more red than a ripened tomato. Off to the vet he went.

In a month's time, the doctor tried everything, even stitching his eye shut for two weeks. Upon removing the stitches, Montana squinted his eye shut as he had done before the stitches were put in. I was referred to an animal opthamologist who found Herpes lesions in both his eyes (and no, I didn't give it to him, thankyouverymuch!!). Since then, I have taken him to see the doctor religiously in order to try to maintain healthy eyes. Montana has had his good and bad moments. This is one of the real bad ones.

Just a few months ago, Montana had an eye abrasion on his right eye, probably from rough-housing with one of our other cats. When we cleared up that problem and the doctor said "See you in six months." I knew he was jinxing me. Sure enough...This time it's his left eye with a very clear laceration. I won't give you the details but it's kinda' nasty to look at.

Tomorrow morning, he will have a graft put over the wound to help heal it. Clearly, my giving him his eye medications is not enough and it's only getting worse. Frankly, I think the doctor should remove his eye altogether and I only say that because this particular eye has made the poor cat suffer so over the years, it's enough already!

Ah well...another day, another dollar spent. If any of you happen to see a nice-sized cardboard box sturdy enough for me, my two kids and four pets to live in, please reserve it for me. I might need it soon as I'll probably have to sell my house to pay for all this shit!

the wind beneath my ass

Shhh...I'm trying to channel Bette Midler.

Let's talk about gas, shall we? And I don't mean those poor people who are king-fu fighting each other at the gas pumps somewhere here in the south, I'm talking about my ass.

Well, maybe I'm talking about your asses too, who knows?!

Let me just come clean, 'clean' being a relative word when speaking about farts, of course. I am not afraid to admit that I fart. It's like masturbation - if you ever come across (sorry, poor choice of words) someone who doesn't admit to doing it, you know they're lying.

So, back to farting...someone please tell me why every morning my house quakes after my daughter thunders in her 'wears?! And when I say 'every morning', I mean every morning. If she missed a morning, she would implode. Her farts are explosive. As I've said before in other posts, she has WMDs in her colon. Bush coulda' used her when busting down Iraq's gates back in '03. I'm pristine compared to her and lemme' tell you, I know how to rip 'em.

But, unlike my daughter, I don't do it every day. I can't time them by a clock and I can't do them on command like she can. I can't make our wood chairs at our kitchen break in two like she can. I can't make an animal die from a mile away. The sound of explosives detonating in mines below the surface of the earth pales in comparison to what I have to deal with here. Our cats don't come running to sniff my ass like they do with her. I'm almost insulted. I said 'almost'. It's when I walk through a cloud of green fungus gas that I'm not so envious anymore.

I don't laugh when she blasts. Okay, who am I kidding, of course I do. Let's be honest, farts are funny. They smell funny and they sound funny. Who woulda' ever thought that I would have a little girl who can make machine gun and grenade noises from her ass?! She's talented beyond belief.

When I tell you my daughter is gifted, you better damn well believe it! Oh sure, she may have some issues with math but when it comes to gas, there are no issues there. Well, yes there are. I mean, an 8 year old should not be able to blow the pants off of someone twice her age, yet she could win a competition pants hands down.

This leaves me to wonder if there are any fart ventrilequists out there? Can she throw her farts to make it sound like someone else is farting? I should really see if she can work on her gift. Wouldn't that be so priceless to walk by someone in a supermarket, let's say, hear my daughter fart but have it sound like it was coming out of the other person's ass! Oh, I can hear the snickering now!

One of my many nicknames for her is Princess Pootypants. She poots, poofs and toots. Damn, I'm starting to sound like Ron Popeil. I'm certainly not trying to sell my daughter although, anyone who would like to hear her gaseous eruptions is more than welcome to call me about 6:30 every morning. Except weekends when she waits 'til about 8.

I'm getting off-track. This post was supposed to be about me. But how do I mention myself without talking about my off-spring? It simply can't be done. She outwits, outplays and outfarts me. Now that would be a Survivor series to talk about, yes?!

As for my ass, well I will admit that I don't fart sugar and spice and everything nice. I have never claimed to be a lady. I'm far from it. I can pull off a better Dutch Oven than any of you any day of the week. It's a technique I must remember to show my daughter some day.

I have to stop here. Y'all are so lucky that I have to go take one of my cats to the vet and can't continue with the rest of this post!

crash and burn

I figured out the hard way yesterday what happens when I take speed too early in the day.

No wonder people get addicted to this stuff! Once it wears off, they want more!

Don't worry, I didn't do that. I had coffee instead and it did absolutely nothing for me. I still wanted to curl up in a ball on my floor and go to sleep!

I may need toothpicks to keep my eyes open while driving in the late afternoon but hey, at least I wasn't hungry!

In the comments section of this post, Metalmom asked who the doctor was that was giving me the "diet pills" (wink, wink). Honestly, I wouldn't know him if I ran into him as I've never actually met him! For all I know, he may not even be a real person! Every time I've gone to his office, I've been told ahead of time that I'm gonna' meet with him and it's always his physician's assistant. She went through the same shpiel with me as she always does - this is what you do, this what you shouldn't eat, here are the pills, see you in a month! If I asked for pharmaceutical cocaine, they'd probably hand that over to me too, no questions asked!

I'll let you know how today goes. I didn't have that warm fuzzy feeling yesterday that I had with the pills on the first day. Boy, how I miss that. *wink*

a reason to celebrate

One year ago today, I created this blog. Those of you who've been following this blog and past ones of mine, might be amazed that during this past year, I've not only made very few changes to its appearance, if any, but have not had a reason to shut this blog down and start again from scratch! Like, oh, from someone threatening to sue me for its content! *wink* Only one other blog I've had, and I've had numerous ones, lasted this long and it was the very first blog I created back in 2005.

Of course, what would my blog be without a little bit of a change after all this time?!

You may not have noticed it yet. It's a very subtle change. *snicker*

Okay then...the saga continues in The Great Appliance Meltdown of 2008!

When I last left you, the TV in my family room was on the fritz and I couldn't connect my kids' new computer through high-speed Internet because there was no signal coming from the phone jack.

The cable TV tech arrived yesterday and determined within just minutes that my TV was, in fact, a goner. I mentioned the TV I had in the attic and he kindly retrieved it for me. It worked! The video, that is. There was no sound and despite his efforts, he could not produce any sound. I guess I should have realized that any TV set that came from my late grandmother, who passed at 91, wouldn't be working right because she was stone deaf and probably didn't even realize that there was no audio!

The tech mentioned to me that he had spotted another TV set in my attic. Yippee! Yeah...not so fast! This particular set was so old, it had no volume, channel or power buttons located anywhere on the set and a remote control was needed in order to change the channel to 4. Surprise surprise, there was no remote control! Now what would make you think that I'd have any luck after the weekend I had?!

Right now, it's TV Central in my family room. Three different TV sets, three different sizes. My biggest worry was getting the two larger ones out of my family room as I am unable to budge either of them with my little finger.

I had no other choice but to go back to Best Buy last night, the fourth time in the past few days, to look for a new TV. YAY! I get to drain even more money from my bank account!! WOO HOO!

If any of you have had to purchase a new TV set lately, you're aware that most of the TVs on the market are flat-screened. Very few are the big, bulky kind from yester-year, like the two that are stuck in my family room. I found a reasonably-priced set that I really liked and I figured it was time for a new entertainment stand as well as the one I have now is older than dirt and has, coincidentally enough, started falling apart recently.

Things couldn't have gone any smoother which kinda' scares me! The last time things went this easy for me, I had to return to that damn store three times! Anyway, I completely schmoozed the sales person and he totally hooked me up! This is what he did for me:

- $100 off the price of the TV set!
- $20 off the cost of the entertainment stand because the one I wanted was no longer in stock and he agreed to let me have the other one for the same price as the first when I asked. That would have reduced the amount by $10 but when he rang up the purchase, he gave me a $20 discount! It was no mistake on his part either, he said he did it because he liked me! See? I'm not always a bitch!
- The only way to get the two TVs in my family room hauled away is if I had them make a delivery. I chose to save $125 by taking home the stand with me and build it myself so that it would be ready for when they delivered the TV. He was able to reduce the $90 delivery charge to $30 and he altogether eliminated their usual $30 haul-away charge.
- After delivery, the store's techs have to come out to hook up the TV and to make sure it's working properly. My sales guy was able to cut that cost in half.

All-in-all, he still made a nice commission off my purchase and I still almost poked my eyes out with a dull pencil point when I saw the total cost! I'm hoping this TV pays for itself the way my ancient, out-dated one did!

The cool thing about this store is that they have a rewards program. Any purchase over a certain amount of money and you receive $15 in store credit. Between this and the computer purchase the other day, this amount will come in handy when I have to get a new dryer! *wink*

Now, onto the phone issue...

The earliest the phone company could get someone out to my house was this Wednesday. While driving home yesterday from getting my daughter at school, I received a call from the phone company that they had an available tech and would I mind them coming out right away? Would I mind?! That's like someone asking me if I would mind collecting a bazillion dollars after winning the lottery! Silly, silly question!

The tech was a woman and she spent a little over an hour finding and correcting the problem and helping me set up the high-speed Internet. My son is extremely excited that his computer is all set up and I'm extremely excited that I don't have to wait around for the phone company on Wednesday!

As you can see, I'm up early again this morning. When I had my doctor's appointment yesterday, I was reminded that the speed might cause me to have some sleep issues. Despite the fact that I was exhausted at bedtime last night and that I took the muscle relaxant prescribed to me when I had my accident, I only slept a total of two hours. It wasn't like I was staring at the ceiling all night, it was actually a very comfortable, peaceful and euphoric rest in which I had my eyes closed most of the night, I just didn't get much sleep. Since I'm such an early riser, I'm taking the pill five hours earlier today so I shouldn't have this same problem tonight.

At least I hope not but with the way my luck has been lately, who knows?!

speed

Holy crap.

I'm not talking about the movie, although Keanu Reeves was pretty hot in it, I'm talking about the drug.

I'm on it.

Seriously.

Every so often, when I pack on a few extra pounds, I go to see this doctor in inbreeding country to put me on speed which is pretty much disguised as, well, diet pills. Since I haven't been able to fully exercise since my accident or even take the dog for a decent walk, someone is gonna' paste 'wide load' sign on my ass soon and that's not a good thing!

I'm not sure how I appear to others, but this is what I feel like right now...

Better yet...

Or...oh wait. This is what I look like Every day. *wink*

I seem to have forgotten what the sensation is like.

I'm sitting here and my typing 80 words/minute don't seem to be fast enough. I keep having to backspace to correct the errors. My brain has already written this post but my hands can't seem to keep up.

I'm sitting erect in my desk chair. I've never sat erect in any chair in my entire life. My house could probably fall down around me and I'd still be sitting here erect in my chair.

Too bad that's the only thing erect around here but that's an entirely different story.

My entire body is tingly. I can feel a slight migraine but the speed has dulled it and I wouldn't fucking care if my head exploded at this precise moment.

Man, this shit is good.

It may even get me to get back into the swing of things over at my photo blog. I know, shameless plug.

You would think that I'd be bouncing around in my seat right now but I'm more calm than I have been in ages! My heart is not racing and my hands are not shaking which is ironic since my nerves, which can be edgy sometimes, tend to make my hands shake. I should be up doing stuff but I'm enjoying this feeling and not wanting to move from my spot.

I guess I will when I have to pee at some point. Or when the dog has to take a crap. I may just let him do it in the dining room today. Heh.

I can only imagine what I'll be like at my son's football game this week. Last week, he ran 33 yards for a touchdown and everyone was on their feet cheering him on. I was up screaming my head off while people were slapping me on the back telling me how awesome he was. This week, I'll probably have enough energy to doing round-off back handsprings if he makes a good play!

Ugh...the dog had to poop. I had to move. It sucked.