title:
date: Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I didn't realize that Dad actually noticed so much about me.
I always thought that I have kept things well from my parents and that they are insensitive to my life outside of the family. Since young, I'm brought up in an environment that taught me that family is priority and my parents really practiced that. Maybe its because I do not have siblings close to me and I feel lonely that no one understood the feelings of a teenager, I always choose to tell everything to my friends and even counselors but not my parents. I thought my parents only cared about my studies and health and that's all, but not about my life and my feelings. But Dad really changed things today.
I have been feeling upset the past few days and for two nights, I've cooped up in my room to cry without them knowing and pretended nothing was wrong when I left my room for stuff like getting drinks and toilet breaks. Nothing was mentioned by them and I really thought I had hidden everything well, until this morning when I became upset again despite bring optimistic the night before.
When I was eating breakfast (although I didn't really want to since I have been losing my appetite but I had to put on an act in front of them), Dad suddenly came and sat beside me today and said that he noticed I have been unhappy these few days. Then he said that I shouldn't care about other people and what others say about me, and that he believes in me. Before that when I became upset, I was already about to cry but since my parents were leaving the house soon, I planned to at least control it until they left so I get the whole lonely house to myself. But the moment when he brought it up... tears immediately dropped. I turned away immediately but I'm not sure if he noticed my tears.
Then I realized how important my family was and that they were always by my side all the time without me knowing it. I hadn't been caring about them so much, in fact I was caring more for someone else who might not even care about me at all now. I realized that I shouldn't forsake the time I could have used to study on someone like that and instead, use it to study and repay my hopeful parents well. Other things could wait until I'm sure that my parents are happy.
That said, I'm willing to wait. Despite many people telling me how it is not worth it and all, I still keep the faith and belief that I have. I would be putting it aside for now, but that does not mean that I have given up. I will not give up and I will be optimistic about it. And it is going to stay that way, nothing is going to change. :)
title: maturity
date: Sunday, August 26, 2012
Lately I've been feeling so lousy towards all my friends.
I've always known that I'm a very bad friend but I have never wondered why and in what way I was wrong. I never did try to find out the root problem and change it.
But I've come to a realization today.
These few days I really felt that I have matured in some ways, though not entirely, but I've gotten a clearer picture of what I have been doing in the past. Consider this as a lesson learnt and I will try my best to ensure that such things will never happen again.
I have realized that everytime something happens in my life (in a negative way), ranging from the most insignificant things ever to things deemed as apocalypes, I will take out my frustrations on any of my friends available. Well friends as in friends that I am willing to share things to and not just any random friend that I have. There are quite a lot of people I can actually open up to and I wonder if this is a good or bad thing. Does this mean that I open up to people too easily or its good that I get close to people easily?
So whenever I need someone to rant to or cry to there will always be someone there for me. I guess my real friends are those who didn't mind me being like this and doesn't find me a burden on them, because I think I am becoming more and more of one. Despite all these years of ranting on them they are still by my side and I am extremely blessed to have friends like this.
However, I think I have become sort of a ninja when my friends need me. Not that I ignored them, but its that I am not good enough to help them in their situations except being physically by their side. I couldn't say comforting words unlike them because words that come out of my mouth never have positive impacts.
The main point is, I think I am being too burdensome on my friends and maybe bottling up my feelings isn't a bad thing after all. I should learn how to have more self-control in every aspect of myself, such as my feelings and actions. I need to use my brain more wisely and I really need to mature more. And stop throwing out everything on others because they do not deserve to be treated in such a way from me.
title: 原来你 什么都不想要
date: Saturday, August 25, 2012
我知道这样不好 也知道你的爱只能那么少
我只有不停的要 要到你想逃
泪湿的枕头晒干就好
眼泪在你的心里只是 无理取闹
以为在你身后 是我一辈子的骄傲
原来你 什么都不想要
我不要你的呵护 你的玫瑰
只要你好好久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好 贪心也好
那个女人对爱 不自私 不奢望
我不要你的承诺 不要你的永远
只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好 贪心也好
最怕你把沉默 当做对我的回答
原来你 什么都不想要
In the past, I couldn't really understand it when people say songs have emotions. I have always thought they were just beautiful words placed in melody which is a form of art.
I have never expected myself to be able to relate to a song this much.
The lyrics are so perfect and fitting in a situation like this. It spells out exactly my feelings which I wasn't able to figure out for... about a week and it really bugged me. One day, my playlist just shuffled to this song and then I got hooked on to it when I heard the lyrics.
I shared about what is happening in my life now to two of my old friends, and surprisingly both had experienced a similar situation before. However, theirs didn't end up very well and I hope I will not end up the same way despite it happening to both of them.
As much as nothing is confirmed, one should always pray and wish for the best and this is what I am going to do. I will do by best in ensuring that it does not happen, but one cannot deny that it takes two hands to clap. I wouldn't be able to clap by myself to the air because that would be utterly retarded.
I just wish my belief in you is not a wrong choice. Prove me right.
On a side note, I love all my friends who are by my side. No words can express how grateful I am to have them and I'm glad I'm not alone.
title: Victims of education.
date: Saturday, August 18, 2012
The education system in Singapore is very, very screwed. Yes, this system is so perfect such that it helps - or forces - everyone to maximize their abilities. It is so perfect that even famous stars like Andy Lau is keen in sending his daughter here to study. But things that outsiders do not know... things that will only be understood by the students and parents in Singapore.
Education is supposed to be a passion for learning, a system for the young to be cultivated with the norms of society and to prepare them for "mature life". This reason for education is the same everywhere in the world, including Singapore, but I would prefer to believe that education in Singapore is something that everyone is forced to go though. The passion for learning in us has vanished if it did even exist in the first place. Maybe kids who are about less than 10 years old will experience curiosity about things but as we grow, the curiosity in us vanished as we do not learn the things we learn because we are curious about how it works, but because we have to learn them for the sake of our grades.
Grades are the root problem here. I wonder why did grades even exist. Is it to show how much we know about the subject, or is it to show our ranking against other people? Why do they want to rank everyone in the first place? Here comes the part about how it allows people to maximize their abilities. This forces people to put in their best of the best effort and force themselves to study to make it to the top. So if everyone did put in their best, what if their best still places them at the bottom? They claim that they do acknowledge people who put in their best effort - but only those who made it to the top.
Then comes the part about "forcing ourselves to study". I am typing this chuck of things here because I am a victim of this cause. I have practically forced myself to study for years and I am maximizing that force now. Studying - this action word has became a forced action to many people. We do not study because we want to - but because we have to. This totally defeats the purpose of education, isn't it? The passion for learning? Maybe this is why the passion is long gone.
Well it could also be because of the repetitive cycle of education. We get sick of studying because we have practically studied the same things over and over again for a long time - things like chemistry, physics... using the same formulas for 2 to 4 years or even longer. Not surprising that people get sick of them, eh?
All this wouldn't be so bad if students can give themselves a break. But no, even taking a break for a day can make me feel very, very guilty. Because everyone else is all studying, just one day can make someone lose out and it would be hard to catch up as others never stop. We are all making ourselves stressed. If everyone is willing to take a certain day off all at the same time, things would be great. We can have fun and enjoy without having to worry about lagging behind. These joys are gone from my life.
Although I know I will not be able to study, I am not able to put things down and rest even just for that day. I will make the greatest attempt to try and study - most of the times to no avail. I still do that, just to make myself feel less guilty about it because at least I tried my best - or maybe not. The smallest things I can do, such as reading newspapers or typing out a post like this are deemed to be better than sitting there and idling away. At least I can see this is a small attempt to help me improve my language, rather than none.
So this very poorly typed out post managed to make me feel less guilty for the less productive day - what a difference does it make.
