It seems incredible that it's
coming up on two years since losing Kirsten. Time passing is supposed to be the
only real “answer” to how to deal with loss. It is true that, over the months,
I have been doing more and crying less. However, the idea of distancing myself
from Kirsten is hardly comforting. Even the thought of saying my wife died two
years ago, as opposed to saying last year, seems strange. What hasn't changed
is the feeling of disbelief that Kirsten isn't here. With the disbelief comes
the profound sadness.
“Getting through it” was again
my attitude when it came to the holiday season. Similar to the first Christmas
and Kirsten's birthday without Kirsten, this second holiday break caused high
anxiety leading up to it and a defensive shell during. December 24th,
Kirsten's birthday, was the most difficult time, but it was made more tolerable
by Miles being with me. After a very nice lunch with mom, Miles and I went down
to Cates Park to place tulips in the water. We had a moment of reflection that
was punctuated by a brown dog, who shall remain nameless, charging into the
ocean to inspect the flowers. Perfect. Miles had the thoughtfulness to stay
over that night, so we watched those Christmas classics “Total Recall” and “Resident
Evil:Retribution”. Perfect.
An interesting part of the
holidays was doing a CBC Radio interview on how, for some people, Christmas
isn't exactly “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. It was an interesting
process for several reasons. The first was the series of connections between the reporter, Pamela Post, the
Callanish Society and Kirsten - Kirsten being a former on-air reporter for CBC,
Pamela's ties to Callanish and, of course, our own experience with Callanish
(on-going for me). Also, I spend a lot of my time in a state of cognition when
it comes to the grief thing. I'm constantly analyzing, deconstructing, and
generally pondering my process of grieving - trying to decide what to do, how
to do it, what I'm feeling, what I should be feeling, how to cope best, how
long before people start questioning if the trips to Vegas are really about
grieving, and so on. So, to gather my thoughts enough to get across what I
wanted to get across really made me focus on what the holiday experience is for
me.
I've only listened to the CBC
piece once. It’s a bit of a cringer listening to oneself on the airwaves.
Having said that, Pamela did a wonderful job as a skilled editor and
interviewer. More importantly, she is a very genuine and caring person. I also
received a great deal of positive feedback from those who listened to the
broadcast. So, the pressure I felt to get this right for Kirsten was
alleviated.
Regardless, I think Kirsten
would have had a good laugh at me being interviewed. When she was doing the reporting
gig, she would often ask me questions as she thrust her thumb/microphone in my
face. I choose to remember me being good-natured about this and not being
annoyed in the slightest.
As I've mentioned before, the
holidays tend to act as a focus for my loss. I have time on my hands and there
are a lot of built-in triggers. It's more than missing Kirsten. It's
remembering her last birthday when it was becoming clear that we were losing
her. It's remembering the Christmas before when Kirsten, Miles and I went to
Palm Springs. I'm so glad we had this trip and there are many great memories;
however, a big part of that trip, and all of the five years of living with
cancer, was an underlying sadness and despair. When I look at the photos from
that California Christmas, I have mixed emotions. I love the photos of us
hot-tubbing, racing around our Palm Springs resort in a golf cart and playing
in the surf when we took a side trip to Santa Monica. Yet, looking at these
images, I not only have a heavy feeling about missing her, I remember that she
stumbled when she played tennis, she didn't have the energy to stay out late,
she wasn't up to joining Miles and me on the rides - the painful awareness that the cancer and the treatments had
taken their toll. The unspoken question: “Will this be our last Christmas
together?” was always a part of the holidays.
Speaking of heart-warming
holidays, how about this new one coming up in February – Family Day. Awesome.
Perhaps I should spend it in
Vegas.
As a side note (I did say I've
had some time on my hands to do some extra contemplating), I have been thinking
about food and its role in encapsulating the process. There are times when I decide that, because of all that I
have gone through and the incredible perspective I have gained, I will eat only
the healthiest of foods in a life-affirming gesture to be all I can be. After
all, how can I now live life except in the most extraordinary manner? And then, I'll eat a roll of cookie
dough. After all, the consuming of cookie dough was a shared experience with
Kirsten. She was a big proponent of the 80% rule. We generally had a very
healthy diet with some exceptions. So, I go back and forth between The Phoenix
Rising From a Bed of Kale to screw it, I just need to eat something easy to find
comfort and get through the day. I’m not sure which one of these scenarios is
closer to the meaning of it all.
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| Christmas in Palm Springs |
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| Santa Monica Pier |
