Wednesday, April 11, 2007 我问为什么 那女孩传简讯给我 而你为什么 不解释低着头沉默 我该相信你很爱我 不愿意敷衍我 还是明白 你已不想挽回什么 想问为什么 我不再是你的快乐 可是为什么 却苦笑说我都懂了 自尊常常将人拖着 把爱都走曲折 假装了解是怕 真相太赤裸裸 狼狈比失去难受 我怀念的是无话不说 我怀念的是一起作梦 我怀念的是争吵以后 还是想要爱你的冲动 我记得那年生日 也记得那一首歌 记得那片星空 最紧的右手 最暖的胸口 谁忘了 我怀念的是无言感动 我怀念的是绝对炽热 我怀念的是你很激动 求我原谅抱得我都痛 我记得你在背后 也记得我颤抖着 记得感觉汹涌 最美的烟火 最长的相拥 谁爱得太自由 谁过头太远了 谁要走我的心 谁忘了那就是承诺 谁自顾自地走 谁忘了看着我 谁让爱变沉重 谁忘了要给你温柔 我怀念的 我还有想要爱你的冲动 我记得那年生日 也记得那一首歌 记得那片星空 最紧的右手 最暖的胸口 我放手 我让座 假洒脱 谁懂我多么不舍得 太爱了 所以我 没有哭 没有说 ______________ seems almost 2weeks since i last bloggeed. can't seem to find things to blog about. ok, i lied! haha i do have lots of things to blog about. but whenever i'm sitting infront of the my darling and upon reaching the blogger website, i just lost all train of thoughts. yeah, updates will come very soon (i hope). at current moment, maybe you all might want to indulge yourself with SunYanZi's -我怀念的.. haha. i must say that this song is absolutely yanzi larx.. but i still like it. HAHA.. as you can see, i'm not someone who embrace changes wholeheartedly. need to prove to me the change is good before i will embrace it wholeheartedly.. lots of things going through my mind and questions.. but i know if i keep my focus on Him things will fall into place.. cause His plans is always to prosper me.. i should REALLY stop standing in His way, lest i get prosper.. hahaha. this is something i told my girl, never did expect it to hit me hard too.. i'm amazed that i've been waking up around 8ish and stuffs like that, maybe its a call to a whole new lifestyle! hee. alright need to bathe and meet buddy for the most awkward lunch session before class.. He blessed me at 11:02 AM Sunday, April 01, 2007 i was doing the usual stuffs with my handphone. then i left it on the table while i go to sleep. when i woke up, i heard that someone called me. 1. its weird for someone to call my house cause most people will call my handphone first. 2. why won't that person leave a message on my phone? so i called one of my friend, cause she was supposed to call me. then she told me she called me so many times and even sms-ed me but i din reply. i checked my phone again, NOTHING. so i thought i do the normal reset button whereby all my information will still be intact. however, this time round, the phone resetted by itself to factory settings. every single information was WIPED out of my phone.. there goes all my messages.. there goes my contacts.. there goes the homely feeling my phone gave to me.. i hate you O2.. you broke my heart again... ): *edit* AHHHHH.. O2 you SUCK! i lost so many contacts.. i cant believe within a short span of 4months i met so many new friends/friends change number.. and now all my numbers are outdated and i have missing contacts and i'm just pure frustrated with my hp i could murder it now!!!!!!! i can no longer bring myself to love O2 anymore.. cause you know what? you SUCK!!!! AHHHHH.. how can u do this to me.. its the worst april fool prank played on me by a non-living thing.. its super annoying and frustrating! i want to change a phone NOW.. and i need my contacts back.... AHHHHHH.. technology sucks.. cause it makes me so reliant on it.. i can do nothing about lost contacts! HUMPH! Labels: devastation, heartbroken, O2 He blessed me at 7:14 PM Wednesday, March 28, 2007 it was a suicide case, and well, i dont know what happened. but i guess, the parents must be very heartbroken to know their precious one decided to end things in this manner. sigh. i guess there's a lot of What Ifs running through those people who know the kid and the family. Lord, the family needs ur comfort, ur presence and ur love upon them. Be there for them! and yet another soul that departs from earth.. to somewhere i don't know... He blessed me at 12:51 PM Monday, March 26, 2007 I’ve been living with a shadow overhead I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed I’ve been lonely for so long Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away Just in case I ever need em again someday I’ve been setting aside time To clear a little space in the corners of my mind All I want to do is find a way back into love I can’t make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs I know that it’s out there There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light Not just somebody just to get me throught the night I could use some direction And I’m open to your suggestions All I want to do is find a way back into love I can’t make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart again I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration Not just another negotiation All I want to do is find a way back into love I can’t make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart to you I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do And if you help me to start again You know that I’ll be there for you in the end ___________________________________________ ok, Miss Tay got me addicted to this song.. heard it yesterday, and when i woke up this morning, it has been replaying in my mind for like forever? haha yesterday was the most tiring sunday ever this year for me! had meetings after meetings from morning till late afternoon.. afterwhich Miss Tay drove the few of us from church to esplanade. Miss Tay rock my life! (: went for dinner at kenny roger where Miss Toh, Miss Lim, Miss Alee, Miss Elee, Miss Ng, and of course Miss Tay was present! it's back to the first wohwoh gang.. haha.. but of course the few missing ones like Miss Sim and Miss Rlee were dearly missed by us. (: well well, we had a few I Am Fxxxxxa games.. starting with Geek! haha. so we had the sudoku challenge.. it was Miss Toh against Miss Tay, Miss Alee and Miss Elee. but well, looking at how poor thing Miss Toh was, having the slightly more difficult puzzle, both Miss Lim and myself decided to help a little.. with of course adding some distraction in the process.. HAHA. but well, Miss Toh emerged as the winner Kudos to Miss Lim and myself.. er.. nono.. kudos to Miss Toh. haha.. then dinner came, and the 6 hungry ghost just couldn't resist the wonderful smelling chicken and ribs anymore, and so we gobbled up every single thing on the plate before proceeding to the next game. In the mean time, Miss Ng finally made her appearance! so, up next was the Artchitect segment! Miss Toh would have to select another opponent and this time round, Miss Ng was selected. for this, we had lego bricks prepared and both parties would have to design and build a house that has to be sturdy and useful! both were given 5minutes to allow their creative juice flow out through their hands. however, both exceeded the sipulated time, so the judges had no choice but to put an end to their creation! before the judges say anything, both contestants had a 10sec presentation to explain their creation, afterwhich, the 2 houses have to undergo a 360degrees sturdy test whereby it will be thrown from a 10cm height to test how well it is built. this round, Miss Ng won the glory. However, Miss Toh was given the whole lego set to allow her to practise for her future competition! the last game was the Shopaholic segment. whereby Miss Toh had to memorise the different dresses and arrange accordingly. well, most of us weren't around as we had went to the washroom to make ourselves look a little prettier. So, the game sort of ended after that and we paid the bill before leaving kenny roger. At this point in time, Miss Ng was then leading the way to bring us to Novo to change the size of the shoes for the few birthday kids.. er.. LADIES. (: Miss Toh probably thought the surprise ended, and in order to let her really be surprised, we had to pretend nothing is happening, but lure her to be walking together with Miss Ng whil the rest of us were supposedly "shopping" and "looking" around. when she had finally lost sight of us all, we then made our way to esplanade to get ready for the second part of the day. Miss Tay and myself went to her car to get most of the logistic stuffs as well as our very own fashion labels. we then made our way to the terrace roof while Miss Lim and Miss Elee went off to buy the cake after settling some stuffs up at the terrace roof. As soon as both Miss Tay and myself reached the terrace roof, we went to change our set of clothes and get ready. In fact, we shifted the location. While Miss Elee and Miss Lim were getting the cake, Miss Alee, Miss Tay and myself were just trying to keep our composure as well as taking some beautiful picture for memory sake. When Miss Lim and Miss Elee came back, we rang Miss Ng that they can make their way to the place. At this point, something happened! The lighter ceased to work!! it was almost devastating as we definitely did not had time to go down to get another lighter. Therefore we decided to make do without any fire.. for the candles that is. During the period of waiting for the arrival of Miss Toh, we also made a selection of song for her to walk down the aisle. When Miss Toh arrived, Miss Tay and Miss Elee brought her to the ladies to change as well as to give her a makeover? uh.. YA. At this time, Miss Lim, Miss Alee and myself were just out there getting ready for the erm.. wedding and other logistical stuff. After close to 15minutes of wait, Miss Toh emerged from the ladies, looking as pretty as ever, (just that her blue dress seem nicer on her..) As she walked down the aisle looking towards her future companion for the next 10yrs, she was filled with so much joy and excitment (not really, she was just laughing cause she couldn't believe what was going on..) upon reaching Miss Lim, the whole atmosphere was just perfect with More Then Words playing at the background (more so for being the funniest thing that has ever happened..) At that point, Miss Alee hand over to Miss Toh her most dearest companion for the next 10years, with blessings from the rest of us, and being announced by Miss Lim.. Well, we're pretty sure Miss Toh and her companion for the next 10years or maybe 9years.. depending on her loyalty (HAHA) will live happily ever after.. or rather.. she don't have much choice. A good cutting cake segment would put a beautiful end to the wonderful episode, however, we just din get a big enough cake for that segment, so Miss Toh had to make do with a chocolate cake from Chocz. (: Well well, even though the whole episode of acting and surprises end there, it sure did not end our closely knitted friendship. even though i must admit that i ain't exactly close to the whole group, but knowing only a few of them at a higher level, this group of people never fail to make each other feel comfortable and loved. that's what i guess friends are supposed to be. (: to Miss Toh, you know, you're perhaps the closest friend i have in the entire group, and the only one who can make me go crazy with all your nonsense.. but you're also one who make my heart melt with all ur love and concern showered upon me. this friendship means more then a dime, a hundred, a thousand or even a million. i definitely would not trade anything for this friendship! and i sincerely thank God for such a wonderful friend i found in you! a year older, but it also means you're a year wiser then me now! haha. may this true heart of love for people you have spread around the world, bringing more people into His kingdom! there's so much i have to say to you cause you have done so much in my life. but i guess, there're no words that can ever express it. in any case, i hope through yesterday's surprise you'll feel a little more loved then before. in fact, let it accumulate, cause you're LOVED! heee. stay happy always, cause you once told me, that's what your name means! and i can be happy just being with you! (erm.. my name means fit to be love, so you mix with me, you're also fit to be love.. haha) cheers to the many years of friendship we have and more to come! i know this friendship will last, cause it was arranged from up above! (: yours sincerely, your proclaimed lucky star, your sister, your friend Heng.. (: [it's in your favourite colour.. and guess what? it's mine too! (:] Labels: Happyness, Joy, Love, Wohwoh He blessed me at 7:54 PM Friday, March 23, 2007 Happy Birthday Ms Lim and Ms Tay!! Love you two loads.. (: ok.. this is the result of sleeping in the late afternoon.. so now i'm awake and left ALONE!! how sad is that? ok larx.. not really sad.. (: i was feeling pretty anxious/stressed/down/emo the past few days.. about what? i have no idea.. i guess its really about the next chapter of my life that i'm about to cross over.. probably a lot of the uncertainties that i have and am affected unknowingly.. i guess a lot of people are thinking about their next step as well.. so i'm not alone.. haha. but i've been thinking so much, about my family, about money, about friends and commitment in Singapore.. so i think its time to be plain honest with myself what i really desire.. cause if i'm not honest with myself, i dont think i'll ever hear and understand what God would want for me in my life.. guess i've been reasoning A LOT.. and also get affected with the external factors.. so let me be self-centered this once at least please.. when talking about furthering my studies, i'm more then happy and excited that i can actually further my studies!! i mean, i never did expect to see myself going to uni.. in some ways, i might be feeling a little inferior in regards to academic stuffs.. but i want to work hard for so many reasons.. i want to make my parents proud and i definitely want to live a luxurious life.. i mean.. who doesnt want? and in this world, money can buy u so many "luxury".. like my dream BMW car. hahaha. okok. yeah.. so now i got the chance to further my studies, i seriously do not want to stay in Singapore. In fact, i want to fly to australia, to brisbane, and study Business Communication/Business Management and live alone in the hostel/rented apartment.. and during the holiday, i want to be able to work part time here and there so that i can have more money, and perhaps drive around aussieland! then after graduation, i want to work there for like another 2 to 3 yrs before coming back.. because i know when i come back with such an experience, i'm definitely up for grabs by the big companies in Singapore! and it will be easier for me to get a job then.. with my experience from overseas.. it sounds like a perfect plan! haha! yeah, that is a little of my selfish thoughts about what i want.. but i'm too emotionally attached to my parents, friends and commitment in Singapore that i find it hard to just let go and go.. and of course, like what i had mentioned in the past.. i dont want to cause any sort of financial burden to my parents.. yeah.. and having to let go of so many things.. like my cell group.. and missing my friends and all.. its hard.. it really is.. am i reasoning too much? i dont know.. which one sounds like a matured thinking, something that is being thought through and through? is my idea of a matured thinking a childish thinking instead to others? then again, what am i gonna do in the future? i have so many dreams and desire that i'm always suppressing cause i find no outlet to throw it out.. haha.. i want to work for a renowned hotel- four season-been thinking for 5yrs++ i want to work on a cruise and travel around the world-been thinking for 1yr+ i want to do marketing for an attraction-been thinking for less then a year i want to do PR for a hotel-been thinking for 5yrs++ i want to do events that are art related..-music, drama..-been thinking for 1yr++ i want to open a cafe.. a christian based cafe, whereby its evangelistic as well that is off church compound and control.. -been thinking for 4yrs++ i want to go to this country M and be a missionary there.. --been thinking for almost 5yrs i want to do SO MANY things.. which is the real dream that i'm supposed to hold on to..? am i random? i dont know.. but this post is a little bit more about the ME part.. hahaha.. i'll have to keep on praying and see where He directs me.. have to be faithful.. and obedient!! Labels: desire, dreams, future He blessed me at 2:39 AM Wednesday, March 21, 2007 1. met uncle blu and jo for lunch at chinatown.. 2. drank kopi after lunch 3. shop at people's park 4. mrt back to church 5. discussion 6. make our way to tampines ikea 7. ate chicken wings 8. shop around ikea 9. go home 10. eat dinner 11. read up on the universities 12. fill up SMU application 13. got stuck doing so at the writing part 14. friend called, so got disrupted and end up talking to friend. 15. friend went to sleep 16. friend asks questions about some stuffs 17. spoke to my cousin regarding his grandma.. (poor boy, totally heartbroken over his grandma's death...) 18. supposed to be doing budget, but i'm here at blogger. yeah, that's pretty much my day. i've decided to do smu application like tomorrow or something. since the application date closes on the 10th. seriously, the more i read about the requirements, the more confidence got deducted.. sigh. well, if it's His will for me to stay in Singapore, He will provide the way. so many things to think about, but i'm just so distracted and random. is it a syndrom of youths nowadays? the X generation? dont know, been having lots of dreams lately about results, leaving singapore and stuffs like that. quite a nightmare and tiring sleep i must say. dont really know what the dream is telling me.. haha.. but maybe i'm just too anxious about things.. especially about the subject of furthering my studies and on driving.. oh gosh, i really need to not fear doing nothing.. cause they are actually time for me to think about my life. its important decision to make man.. oh well, to my beloved cousin.. being cousin for our whole life, i have seriously not seen u when u were sad.. guess we weren't that close when we were younger or simply because we dont meet up as much as we should be.. and i'm really happy that we've been going out and meeting up.. really feel the family bond and really love u and the rest a lot. heard the news of your lost.. and i really have no words to express my concern and sadness for u too. but please know that i'm here for u, the rest of them too.. if u need to meet up, i'm free to do so.. i pray that the Lord will be there to take away your family and your hurt and grieve.. most importantly i lift your grandma up to God knowing that He is just to do what is needed. though i'm not sure you'll see this post or not.. but well, i guess these are words that i did not tell you before.. however, i'm sure you know how important you are to me! Labels: future, life, my family He blessed me at 11:41 PM Tuesday, March 20, 2007 ok, before i continue, show u all this group of people, one of the favourites in my life eh? we grow up together, sadly we weren't exactly close when we were younger. but well, we're trying and its going on fine eh?  er.. i think its a little small.. but never mind larx.. (: yeah! my cousins!!! oh well, nothing much happened recently.. but that is because of my mundane and terrible lifestyle. oh ya, i've officially become the unofficial graduate of temasek polytechnic. and NO, did not feel any life changing experience. haha. got my last semester result, a tad disappointed but nonetheless, praise God for giving me the gpa above 3. nothing more to ask for! (: and of course the A i got in year1 for my language was a great consolation from God after the big 'O's episode. still can't believe i got c5 then. hahaha. well, that's my only A in the whole result slip. but i'm not upset. sure enough, all my close friends have all the As and Zs on their result slip, they do well, and i do envy at times. but i know i did my best and what i got at the end is nothing but from the grace of God! not trying to be humble or anything, but simply because i'm aware of my own weakness. God brought me far even though i did not do well for PSLE and "O" level. he made me excel as much as my capability allows. though i'm just an average student, i know i'm more then an average kid to God.. that's all that matters. ahahaha, yes yes, at times i feel inferior especially since i have such an overachiever sister, which i am extremely proud to have! hahaha. but my sis encourage me too, in different ways. and i can see that my parents are really proud of my achievement as much. so i think its cool and great! (: oh well. now that i've got my last semester's result.. its time to get cracking for my uni application once again. i'm still not very happy that Singapore still leave so little place for poly students, allowing only the super duper smart people to enter uni.. and having majority of the singaporean students leave the soil of singapore for another country. it doesnt make sense.. but well, i guess i will learn much more out of singapore. probably a lot on living and surviving out there and being flexible and stuffs towards lifestyle. have been thinking a lot about going over to aussieland for my studies. i guess as much as it is something my parents feel that i should complete, i still believe that it is a luxury. moreover, i think never did anyone think i could make it that far.. hahaha. but a lot of adjustments to make and go through for the next few months. it aint gonna be easy but i believe if its his will and plan for me to leave singapore to grow, then he will be there for me. think i'm still like a little baby needing lots of encouragement and attention and stuffs..so that i know i'm loved, people care, i will be willing to take that step of faith etc. yeah! ok, now i have to pray for early test date so that i can get my license before i fly off.. so please pray along with me.. and i am pretty serious in changing my lifestyle.. so pray that my will is strong and that God will be the one guiding me in my new lifestyle.. yeah.. to john! u promise you'll read this post.. so u better read till here! hahaha. i miss you.. i want to go back kunming larx.. but we have to see what's God's plan for me.. moreover it cost $$$ u know? hahaha. oh well.. u stay happy and be good and study your han zi.. hahaha.. Labels: education, family, God, life He blessed me at 3:22 PM Sunday, March 11, 2007 AHHH... i know lizards eat insects and are good for me cause i dont exactly like insects too.. but.. they're just too scary!!! my prayer tonight is.. Dear God, please let no lizard or insects disturb me or appear in front of me... they can go live a life of their own.. i wont bother.. just.. just.. leave amanda alone!! in jesus name, amen! Labels: the lizard that haunts He blessed me at 8:30 PM Friday, March 09, 2007 good or bad.. i guess its perspective we all have.. but you know what.. in every situation/scenario/circumstances no one should be pointing to another for the blame.. because for something to happen to occur it takes 2 hands. therefore if its a quarrel you're engage in, a break in friendship/relationship, we all need to be mature to accept we have part of the blame and not point our finger at the other. this is because it won't be fair to the other person, and saying those stuffs just goes to prove that you're super prideful and can't accept the wrongs that are going on in your life. what is written is not to offend anyone or pretend to know everything. just writing out because i think in this age, we are all so prone to pointing fingers but never really getting down to solve the problem. we need to learn to grow up and not grow even more in love with our pride. i have my mistakes as well, that's why when something bad happens i restrain myself from talking much to people, from even blogging at times. cause i know i will end up saying things that i'll regret. guess its a learning journey we're on, to be a better person, better son/daughter, better friend, better girlfriend/boyfriend, better mother/father, better wife/husband and the list goes on. never be afraid to face failures, cause they are all part of growing. if things end which you really hope it didn't, take heart, there're always other people out there who have made a worser decision. learn from your mistake and move on. but never never be tied down by unnecessary accusation or any sort. for me.. why not you tell me if it has ended or not.. cause to me.. its a fullstop. how i wish its a comma.. Labels: life's lesson, pride He blessed me at 12:28 PM Saturday, March 03, 2007 "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?" and yes.. now i just want to tell you.. no matter how naughty have i been.. no matter how i much i ran away from you.. no matter how much i've hurt you.. i just realised something that stays true.. and never change.. you love me still the same.. the greatest love ever.. and if you will.. give me a chance to turn back.. a change to share with you my life a chance to cry in your arms.. a chance to jump for joy with you.. a chance to throw little tantrums at you.. a chance to hit you cause things aint turning out right for me.. but most importantly.. a chance.. to just say those 3 simple words.. i love you a chance.. to whisper i love you to your ear everyday a chance.. to shout out my love for you for the world everyday Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one above you Fill my heart with gladness Take away my sadness Ease my troubles that's what you do. Oh the morning sun in all its glory Greets the day with hope and comfort too And you fill my life with laughter You can make it better Ease my troubles that's what you do. There's a love that's divine And it's yours and it's mine Like the sun at the end of the day We should give thanks and pray to the One. Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one else above you Fill my heart with gladness Take away all my sadness Ease my troubles, that's what you do. Labels: Love He blessed me at 2:20 AM Wednesday, February 28, 2007 the saddest things that can ever happen is probably the separation from death, knowing that you'll never ever ever get to see the other party ever again... i don't know.. it's late and i can't sleep.. been turning tossing turning tossing and turning and tossing. just too many things on my mind.. am trying very hard to not let any thing affect my conversation with people, my life with people.. but it's just hard when something not that good and pleasing happens.. i guess i'm really someone who gets emotionally affected very easily.. example hearing news of someone passing on whom i do not know but related to my friend or something along that line, i probably get stuck under too. am i being a busybody, poking my nose into every single bad thing or what? i don't know.. in less then 8hrs, everything will be gone.. will it? how are they going to handle what is to come? can i in any sort of manner be of help? *shrugs* life is a mystery now i guess.. especially for those without jesus.. because they are always on a lookout for somewhere they can feel a sense of belonging, sense of hope!! talking about sense of hope.. many people who buys 4-d and toto knows the probablity of them winning, however they still buy insisting that they're buying a ray of hope.. but are they? (sorry, i'm not pro-gambling because of many reason.. but i do not despise or look down in any sense to people who gamble.. its a form of entertainment the world engage in..) i mean, what are the probablity of winning? its so slim.. but yet.. people reject the hope that is there.. given freely.. Jesus Christ.. sigh.. do we always blame God first when things happen? am i blaming God? i just wanna feel Him.. having the will now is simply not enough.. something is seriously lacking here.. i'm really seriously hearing 2 voices in my mind now.. one is telling me to hold on to God.. the other is simply killing away every single ray of hope i can seek from God larx.. which obviously is not from God.. need to shut all negative thoughts away from my mind.. sigh.. i don't know.. just thinking about life in general.. maybe i did take life a tad too seriously.. that's why i'm blinded.. clouded by the meaning of so-called LIFE.. God is my only release.. to all the pains.. God is my only hope.. in painful circumstances.. God is someone i need to talk to and rant to.. so that He can talk to me in return.. i just need God.. period. gosh.. all these are getting too heavy hearted for me.. i'm sorry.. but i won't wanna entertain much people now.. perhaps just those few who's close to heart..? *shrugs*.. anyhow.. do drop by joshua harris blog.. things that he'd typed are really annoited by God.. at least to me it speaks.. http://joshharrisblogson.blogspot.com/ alrighty.. i should go count sheeps or something.. need to wake up in less then 4hrs time... God please see me through that painful moment.. Labels: doubts, God, life, questions He blessed me at 2:08 AM Tuesday, February 27, 2007 The love of her life is drifting away Their losing the fight for another day The life that she’s known is falling apart A fatherless home, a childs broken heart You’re holding her hand You’re straining for words You’re trying to make sense of it all She’s desperate for hope Darkness clouding her view She’s looking to you Just love her like Jesus Carry her to him His yoke is easy His burden is light You don’t need the answers To all of life’s questions Just know that He loves her Stay by her side And love her like Jesus Love her like Jesus The gifts lie in wait in a room painted blue A little blessing from heaven will be there soon Hope fades into night,Blue skies turn into grey As the little one slips away You’re holding her hand You’re straining for words You’re trying to make sense of it all They’re desperate for hope Darkness clouding their view They’re looking to you Lord of all creation holds our life in His hand The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands The rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands He cares for them just as He cares for you. sigh.. the most heartbreak and heartwrenching monday this year.. it did not occur to me how much pain i will feel as well till i left that place.. hearing her story.. hearing all her dreams and plans and hopes crashed gone changed because of this fateful event.. sudden.. yes.. its too sudden.. for her.. her family and even her friends-us to accept the fact.. sinking into this reality is scary.. i dont know.. death.. is still very much something that affects humans the most and a test that people have to go through so many questions what happened? why did this happened? how can this happen? what is to come? will the suffering end? will the pain end? why is it some people just have it all? why some have to go through so much? what is God's plan? where is God in this kind of situation? i don't know. i think i need God very very much now as well. i'm in this desert looking for a way out. perhaps i took a wrong turn, and thus i am lost. i dont know. i really dont know. this song so fits into what my friend is going through. who is there to heal her broken heart? its God isn't it? but she doesnt know God. so i'm supposed to be the catalyst. but i'm helpless too. i dont know what is going on. suddenly it seems that money is in control of life.. it's not.. its not supposed to be this way!!! God is supposed to be in control of life.. not money.. but money can clear debts.. money can feed the family.. money can sustain the family.. no.. money CANNOT be in control of our lives!!! ahhhhhhhhh God i need you!!! i need you to give me strength to be a support in her life! she needs me.. i need YOU!! i want to love her and her family like you do! i know i love her because she's my dear friend.. but God.. i DONT KNOW what to do.. cause i all do is see her cry.. telling me her story.. what can i say to make her feel better? i dont want to hear "there's nothing you can do but just pray" i mean.. i know i have to pray for her.. but.. i want to do something that is TANGIBLE that can soothe her a little. i dont know. God.. tell me HOW.. WHAT.. WHY.. i want answers.. i need answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want something tangible now!!!!! :( even though i'm in the state of confusion.. this is all i have to say.. darkness may come.. but it last only for awhile.. when it becomes the darkest point of life.. it also means light is coming.. and so.. at this time.. my hand is there to hold on to.. my shoulder is there to lean on.. my ear is there to listen.. and i'm just there.. because i love you like jesus.. Labels: confusion, death, questions He blessed me at 12:07 AM Friday, February 23, 2007 before someone actually decides to murder me for not updating (last update was feb14, it's just 1week!!) i think i better do something, like type erm.. WOH! haha. hmmm.. yesterday was the last day of school for me. interview went well, she commented i did pretty good for my paper except for my lousy referencing. HAHA. but all seems good and surreal? i don't know. its like, i completed 3years of diploma education!!! i'm a poly graduate already! but i don't feel a sense of urgency, or any thing life changing.. i'm still me. maybe because i'm just a slack lil'girl. hahaha. i could remember how my best friend now tried to befriend me on the first day of school, or rather orientation. we were both eating chicken rice and not talking. can you imagine how awkward that whole scene is? oh well, now we're great friends for your info. (: life has been very plain sailing.. i don't even know what i'm doing with my life. gonna become a tv freak, computer geek, i don't know. i need a LIFE man. like go out watch movies with friends, drive around the little singapore island (of course i must get my license first larx..) go EXERCISE (its really long overdue.. but my mum don't really allow me to do much.. ahhhh) and i don't know, maybe relive my love for cooking (like get down to cooking nice food.. i miss those times).. ok it seems like amanda is dead (not physically larx), cause all i do is sleep, watch tv, watch anime, play games, sleep bla bla bla.. ok.. i do eat.. but that's about it right? *shrugs* hmmm.. now that i've graduated, i also have to plan for my life like going uni (big headache) and i don't know. what do i do the next few months? do i go hunt for a full time job to get moolah and gain experience? i don't know.. i'm stuck at a stop line, stop sign. i have many roads in front of me and i don't know which one to choose.. it's bad, cause i'm gonna turn 20 this year (not very soon but oh well).. i need something LIFE CHANGING!!!! sigh, i guess the bottom line is, amanda you need to grow up! in so many ways... Labels: crossroad, graduation, life He blessed me at 12:26 PM Wednesday, February 14, 2007 i'm feeling super sad now and i really don't know what to do... when my senior asked if i read the papers today, i felt something wasn't right.. after proceeding to read her blog.. i couldn't believe my eyes.. initially i thought it was some home affair kind of news.. some dispute over money among one family in singapore.. then it strike me.. mr tay.. mdm ong.. telok ayer.. pasir ris.. everything links to Mdm Ong.. my choir teacher who sadly left us last year.. to even know that before her death she got SUED by her mother over money is sad enough.. whatmore, Mdm Ong got hypertension thereafter.. so does it mean her mum was the cause of her death?! i don't know.. its not up to me to judge.. but i'm just sad that Mdm Ong had to leave this world with a law case that has not ended but just begun.. who was that old lady who sob so hard at Mdm Ong's wake.. ahhh why why why.. just when i thought i got over it.. i saw a powerpoint presentation of my friend.. and then now this news.. am i stuck under this well called grief.. or what is it that i have to go through... and besides this 2 things.. there is another bag of sorrow and despair i have.. Oh lord.. i don't know what to do.. i don't know how to handle.. i'm lost and i don't understand. i'm feeling helpless and nothing that is happening now can soothe it can it? its heartwrenching and i dont know how much more sorrow and grief and heartache can this heart of mine take. but you won't put me into a test too much for me to handle right? what's the limit of lost do i need to feel? what's the limit of sorrow do i need to go through? i'm just feeling so.. URGHHH... sigh.. if only sleep can take away everything.. if death could take away all these.. but its a lie isnt it? i dont know. what's real what's fake? what's right? what's wrong? i felt ur heartache the other time.. can u feel my heartache this time round? tell me what to do Lord.. cause.. i'm just lost... love.. amanda He blessed me at 1:54 AM Saturday, February 03, 2007 am i enjoying it? probably. different kind of freedom i guess. now i have the freedom of time. it's like i'm given 24hrs placed in my hand every new day, and its up to me to decide how i wanna spend it. there's no commitments such as.. oh i have to spend 10hours at work yadayada. so pretty cool? i guess so. have been going for driving lessons faithfully. let's pray and hope i can get an earlier test date. (: hmmmm.. besides that, i guess i have been basically just bumming around. actually, i do have somethings to think about. e.g. furthering my studies, my research paper, serving God in the different aspects and basically just the cell groups in general. what is all these? my responsibilities, my life. ahhhh. i'm tired! you know my life has literally been someone else's. because i have never done anything based on my own decision! it has always been someone telling me what to do. and when i choose to do something that is not what others deem to be the route that any normal youth/person should take, i'm someone who is not mature enough to think on my own! it hurt especially when someone close to you always think that you're never mature enough to think on your own, and that all the ambitions you have the thoughts you have they are all rubbish. then you're being told to think and plan your life. i mean, God gave us dreams and ambitions for a reason. and yes, sometimes it may seem to be a harder route, but if it is given by God, He will provide a way out right? i'm living a life you think is what God wants me to. i'm not given a chance to speak up. i'm not given a chance to explain. i'm not given a chance to try. i'm just not given a chance. i'm tired. i really am. no one understands me. or maybe, i'm really just an immature child.... God, i'm hurting.. and i really don't know what to do. but because it's in your commandment that i should do this first beside anything else.. i'll follow.. knowing you have the bestest plan for me.. love, amanda He blessed me at 10:43 PM Monday, January 22, 2007 there are indeed a lot of confusion going on now, a lot of why, how, what to do. but God is in control then, He is in control now and forever more! well, of course there are sad things going on even at this minute. i can imagine the tears that flow down your cheek as u remember that fateful incident. no words i or anyone can say to heal that brokeness in ur heart. it must be too great for u to bear, and hearing the news isnt a happy thing for me too. now that its such a big issue, its even worse larx. but i know that god will be there for u, even though u're not a believer. and all i can do is pray that daddy will just bring comfort and peace to ur heart and of course to the other party's family. it is definitely a rough patch u will be going through. sigh. even i feel heavy in my heart. "..but take heart, i have overcomed the world.." jesus said that after he risen and met his disciples. oh lord, just let this trauma she is feeling turn into a precious lesson u taught her. not only about the incident but on family love and friendship and many other things that is being linked. let peace and comfort reside in her heart and her family and the other party's family. pray for favor too. watch over her lord. i submit her into ur embrace. in jesus name, amen. anyway, dear friends please keep my friend in prayer. sorry i'm not telling the whole story, cause its really a sensitive issue. but just pray for God favor and peace and comfort larx. thanks ya? life and death, one is just a dot, the other is a line, which leads to eternity. He blessed me at 9:14 PM Sunday, January 07, 2007 i believe you are the answer to every tear i've cried i believe that you are with me, my rising and my light give me strength when i am weary, give me hope when i cant see through the crosses i must carry, Lord , bind my heart to thee that when all my days are over, and all my chores are done i may see your risen Glory, forever where You are.. ______________________________________________ sucha a pretty song. 2007 has been a blast for me so far! its really a good start to a new year. (as cliche as it may sound) (: i thank God for what is to come and the past that has mould me to who i am to be. there'll be more moulding, but i think there'll be lots of fun too! yeah. need to keep each other spirits high. paroxysm. haha. one of the sermons by rev. wee that i remembered from 2yrs back till now. its a wonder. there's gonna be more changes in life. re-shuffling of things. maybe even lifestyle or where i will head to in the future. but, just gonna lift it up. sometimes its HARD larx, but that's when friends come in to give support and encourage yeah? tomorrow is gonna be a new week, and i look forward to more fun times feeling Him at work. (: 3 more weeks and its no more lousy lunch. haha. have a blessed week!! p/s: had my first cousin outing on Friday to Marina Bay. it was fun, but really tiring. haha. love my cousins! (: hopefully the bond will just grow stronger and stronger. yup. He blessed me at 8:26 PM Monday, January 01, 2007 to thee shall come Emmanuel indeed, it's time to rejoice! for our Lord God is with us! time passes so fast, so much i forgot about updating my blog until NOW! ok, truth be told, i was too lazy. hahaha. so, in any case, 2006 flew past, and now comes 2007. for me personally, 2006 was a roller coaster for me, especially on my emotions. most of the time, i allow my emotions to get the better of me. which lands me in a lot of slumps. one moment i'm on a high, and the next, *bam* i'm down in the valley. through this 12months. i lost 2 people. one of them is someone i respected a lot! the person who brought back my passion for music and singing. the person who gave me chance to prove my worth, that studies though its important, isn't everything. the person who scolds me and forces me to do a lot of things that i do not like, but for my own good. the person who expose me to many leadership opportunities as well as a chance to showcase what i have. the person who loves me much more then i can imagine. the person who cares for me when i'm sick, provide a listening ear to my problem, sometimes even send me home. Mdm Ong, you're very much missed by Amanda! i've moved on from the lost. i'm sorry i don't think of you very often, but please believe in my heart, i'll never forget you. (: another one whom i lost not too long ago. my classmate for 2yrs. the only guy in my row. one of the guy who went to malacca and penang with me. the most gentlemanly guy i ever know. the guy who likes to be called yang. the guy who gets bullied by the girls willingly. the guy who lends a listening ear to his friends. the guy who always gives. the one who left, leaving me in a wreck cause i din get to say bye. the guy who i'll remember as my friend. Choonyang. thank you for your friendship. they mean a lot to me, not because you have left. simply because you belong to 4e3_2003 and this class means the world to me. you're on my mind. for choonyang, it took really a while before i got myself out of the slump. everything was too sudden, and most importantly, i never thought it would happen to him. its just hard to imagine. i dont want to say perhaps its a lesson for us all to cherish, neither do i want to say it is a release for him. all i want to say and all i believe is that God is indeed souverign at that point in time. (: my internship wasn't going on very well too as i try hard to fit in, try hard to perform. i realise they were all actions of running after the wind. just felt everything was meaningless. and so, i allow myself to go into the slumps AGAIN. its scary and definitely tough being a christian in the marketplace. however, i was suddenly reminded of being salt and light of the world. i don't know how, i don't know why that can strike a chord in my heart. but its most probably the conviction of the holy spirit that spur me to want to look forward to internship, to bring life out of myself for that last stretch of my internship. can you see how whenever i'm in a slump, God will somehow, one way or another pull me out when its due time? He's just awesome!! of course, beside all these rubbishy time, there were great and awesome time i have!! one main highlight is definitely the China Mission trip. i've learnt so much, of being quiet and just listening to my surroundings, to the heart cry of the people. so much so, at some point in the trip, i felt like breaking down and crying, cause i felt His pain. in the trip, God showed me His power too! His hand was definitely on us, leading us through that trek we had. if it's without God, i don't think we'll be back home so safe! then seeing the heart beat of the people there. sigh, everything i think of, i'm sure i'll be able to link it all back to China. that is one main thing that has been keeping me going for so long! another highlight, is probably ymlc. it was really feeling God's love for me. can still recall when i saw the prayer the pastor had for me, i thought it was a joke. like, i could write that and say its God's purpose for you for this conference. but it just dawn upon me about His great love for me was really what he wants to remind me in the conference on the last night. felt so much of His great love. but you know what? God sprang lots of little surprises to me throughout the year. just like how He blessed me with new friends, and renew old friendships.. people like sharm, kevyn, marcus, royston, yiling, potatoes, joshie, xian, wohwoh, corrin, miguel and ETC. thanks for your wonderful friendship. (: thank you Lord for blessing me with all these people plus my family! ur daily blessings u give to me, i count them all. cause i wanna praise you and thank you! (: alrighty, will talk about new year plans in the next entry, if i ever get here. dont accuse me for not blogging cause i did! have a blessed NEW YEAR! 2007 will be a blast. (: He blessed me at 11:17 PM Sunday, November 26, 2006 i think.. i hear my name.. OH... someone is calling my name... AHAHA.. EVERYBODY WANTS ME!!!! ok. watch happy feet and u know. (: but in any case.. i got a common name. CRAP MAN! haha. but.. but.. BUT.. i'm special. dont be jealous. (: to end this entry.. i shall share this wonderful clip. its a nice and touching song. to me at least.. hope you'll be blessed. http://youtube.com/watch?v=s8GZHt1CNnY He blessed me at 6:23 PM Friday, November 24, 2006 someone once told me that my blog entries are highly depressing and sad. I think its the colour of my blog- black. So morbit. but i like. (: haha. ok, just to add a little more colours to my blog, shall post some pictures.  That's my 2darlings and me. and we exchanged spectacles. HAHA.  so which spectacle suit me better? hahaha.  i really really miss kunming. John u still reading this? I MISS YOU!!!!  don't remember if i posted this picture before. but yup. This 3 people make me sane at times when i'm not. (:  they make life very much better. (: there are somemore people who has been there for me constantly and i thank God for you. you might not appear in the blog, but your face and your friendship is kept deep in my heart. (: think this week i really have to thank God for good friends. like you who is reading this entry. even if i do not know you, i still thank God for allowing such an interaction. hope that you will be blessed! someone remind me to bring goong tomorrow for this missy? hahaha. i MUST remember. or else i will feel super bad. cause this person made me feel bad the previous time. =p He blessed me at 7:59 PM Wednesday, November 22, 2006 i took another MC again. haha. i think i really have to be careful of what i say. cause, sometimes they do come true. Just yesterday i was telling my mum i want to take MC cause i was too full and too tired to do my report and i want a day break to stay home and do the report. my mum laughed at me. and i was SERIOUSLY thinking of ways and means to find an excuse to not go to work. lo and behold. i woke up this morning with gastric! went to the doctor and to know that it was gonna develop into gastric flu. grrrrr... so dear friends. be careful for what you wish for. hahaha. i'm indeed feeling horrible now. and i seriously am hoping that i vomit everything out, so i won't feel so horrible. but then again, vomitting is just as bad. sigh. sigh. sometimes it comes to a point you hate everything in ur life that u just want to give up. i was having a very short conversation with someone yesterday. and she was filled with so much energy, and determination. she doesnt want to waste time doing nothing, but make herself useful. its cool isnt it? have such ambitions in life. and i thought i was like that too last time. but as time passes, and when i'm in such a position now, it just feels sucky larx. like people around me are studying but i'm working, in such a complex organisation doesnt help either. yup yup. i agree and understand that everywhere we go, there'll be politics. ahhhh, whatever! we're a selfish bunch of creatures. its just disgusting and gross to even think about what one would do behind another's back. scary scary. anyway, working life really sucks you away from God. i yearn so much to my life before i work, before i grew older. haha. but then, time waits for no man righto? so i guess, that's when friends come in to spur each other on, and to remind each other of Him. life isnt an easy thing. it sure isnt. in fact, its fragile and scary! so why ask me cherish? anyway, let me share a story i read in a book... The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden. How could he declare his love for her? In an off sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist- no one dared resist him. But would she love him? She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind. Would she be happy at his side? How could he know? If he rode to her forect cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them. The king convinced he could not elevate te maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descent. He clothed himself as a beggar and approached her cottage incognito, with a worn cloak fluttering loosely about him. It was no mere disguise, but a new identity he took on. He renounced the throne to win her hand... "For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal" if you understand the above, good for you! if you dont, one day you will. For everyday, i am still learning something new. anyway, the above is courtesy of a book my friend lend me. i maybe a worthless rag, but he made me worthy all over again, and again, and again.. He blessed me at 4:12 PM Sunday, November 12, 2006 tomorrow is officially a month since i lost you in my life forever. i cant help but wonder the possibility of seeing you again. its silly, but yes, i am crossing my fingers and praying hard i will see you again, cause i really do miss you. it's never easy losing someone. but at least now, i'm able to talk about that incident without that much sadness? i dont know. really pray that your family is coping well. but maybe, your departure was a way to bring about a gathering that was never meant to be. ever since that incident occured, i cannot find much reason to smile already. perhaps i'm wallowing in self-pity. i know there are tons of millions of people out there who has been through worser scenarios. but i cant help but still question why do i have to go through so much losses. frankly speaking, i believe God is still REAL. really. cause everyday i just find it amazing that He reveals himself to me in so many different ways. but.. i just simply stand in awe at that point of time, and after awhile, everything just disappears. and i hate it. i hate myself for allowing such magic fade away. i really do. i just feel myself fading behind. like a picture that belongs to me and talks about me, now the table has turned. i have now demoted myself to blend within the background, that this picture no longer belongs to me but rather, an unknown person. i need a breakthrough, like seriously. this is getting way way bad for my spiritual life. its as if i'm gonna reach spiritual death. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. i dont want that to happen. sigh. but what can i do? nothing. i just need Him more then ever in my life. the world is moving along a highway where only the fast cars survive. and everyone is just too busy reaching their own destination. I on the other hand, is a old old car that has problem with the engine and can no longer speed and race like before. i'm all alone, cause everyone out there is just too goal orientated. who, who will be willing to slow down, and burden themselves with an old car like me and walk with me to the end goal of life? i just need that person now... this portrait no longer belong to me.. He blessed me at 10:15 PM Monday, October 30, 2006 If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart. If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different. If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. ___________________________________________________________________ the above was something my dad shared with me sometime last week. quite amazing, and was force to put on the thinking cap as well. hmmm. comparing to last week, i'm really a much happier person now. Thanks to this family of 3 sisters. they are the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. and all 3 of them are always so sweet to me. haha. they make me feel super loved. (: also, many thanks for all the prayers, cause i am starting to feel his hand move in everything throughout the last week. and it was really awesome. but there's just a little bit more unknown sadness in me. so continue to pray for me ya? ahhh. let's hope the 2 days of mc will not give me the biggest shock tomorrow at work. sigh. it should be fine right? ___________________________________________________________________ its not about you leaving me, its about you loving someone else more.. He blessed me at 5:42 PM Monday, October 23, 2006 He blessed me at 8:15 AM Sunday, October 22, 2006 i have a confession to make.. i'm tired... tired believing.. tired loving.. tired moving.. i'm just plain tired... i've never felt so low before.. until now.. am i entitled to a break or am i not? i hate how everything is happening now, when responsibility, commitment and many things are just right in-front of me. and i know i HAVE to take them up and move on. but i cant anymore. i'm tired. i do not NOT love you.. but i'm just tired being there and being forgotten. i do not NOT want to believe.. but i'm just tired believing and allowing myself be disappointed time and time again. i do not NOT want to move on.. but i'm just totally drain off all my energy to move on. someone, make my life easier. stop giving me the expectations to live up to. cause i really cant. sigh. maybe this 2 weeks have been relying a lot on my own strength, that's why i ran out of energy. oh Lord, come and fill me. will u stay with me.. or are you leaving me alone?? He blessed me at 8:11 PM |