The other day I was feeling really down on myself. I am really into the Facebook thing and it's a blast reconnecting w/ people from so long ago. I feel as though once people "accept" me as friends on there, then that's it. I'll write a note here and there and they may respond once but then that's it. Even if I'm asking questions about what's gone on in their lives the past 20+ years....
I was feeling so unwanted. Kind of like maybe they just accepted a request from me to be nice. You know how it goes....it's all a downward spiral until you get out of it.
I am also sad that my dad and brother hardly ever talk to me. It's like they have one another and the family friends and don't need me and my family. My brother's in town looking at houses to rent or buy (moving out from CO). He got in on Fri. evening and I texted him yesterday (Tue.) about getting together & I get a text back saying he'll call me towards the end of the week. I know he's busy and all but it just seemed rude? I didn't grow up w/ him (he's my half brother on my mom's side). I really want a brother-sister relationship w/ him and am excited he's moving out to CA. Hoping to spend more time w/ him. We get along well but have never been able to really spend a lot of time w/ one another over the years. He and my dad get along famously despite the fact my dad didn't raise him and didn't know him until my brother was an adult. I sort of feel like he (my dad) has what he's always wanted--a son to do things with now. My own father never calls me anymore. He talks to my brother almost daily. When I call him it's always somewhat strained and I find myself grasping to find things to talk about w/ him. I am always afraid he's so bored with me. It wasn't like that growing up. Makes me sad. I feel so left out and unwanted. He went to KS for awhile to help w/ harvest on the family's farm and didn't even call me to tell me he was leaving town. My brother and my cousin knew though. What's wrong with me? I never did anything bad to him. I never ask him for anything, I have a job, a family, am educated, nice. It's a mystery to me. One of these days I suppose I need to talk to him but am dreading it. He is not one to show emotion.
My boss has been a jackass lately too. Treats me like I am invisible until he wants something from me. I do good work, I don't understand. I often wonder if I am a difficult person to know. I don't think so. I am considerate and nice but make mistakes like everyone else at times.
Don't mean to bombard you all with negativity, just venting. Maybe someone has a suggestion or 2 for me? :)
