New Jack..

I just have to blog ... can't i ?

For today that is... anyway.. had a quite decent day.. but .. still it was not that interesting though...

First of all.. my bloody notebook is malfunctioned... got crashed in the middle of work.. and slowly it got into a system shutdown.... must be the hardware problem... because it can't even load to the system configurations.... ANYWAY... I'm not an expert in computers ... about the hardware and accesories stuff...

Called up the acer service department.. and fuckn need to set up and appointment... damnit...

That case.. my programming Problem Base Solving (PBL).... I can't acess for research....

oh well.fuck it.

Had my tkd class just now... and another damnit ... "damnit"... - paid $120 for my 1st Dan grading... and oh yearh.. the thing that increase my morale of living is that during my sparring session... I accidentally hit the head of my sparring partner... he was like in stunned... and by the look of his face... he like wanted revenge... haa... but hey I'm not a cruel person.. straightaway I apologise to him... regarding the accident...

after that.. it was the end of round... I couldn't say I'm impress by it.. because he's not as the same level as I am.. but although he's taller and bigger in size than me... I can straight away know he's weaknesses...


yearh... she's not there today... probably she has something on.. busy routine.. busy schedule...
heh.. if only she will be there..

What will the story be ..?

Different .. or no change at all..?



That will be all.
Dismiss.



-Khai-

Boxes.

Every day that we see each time must always come to an end ...

For me yet another boring day ... perhaps .. what I think I shouldn't do in class during my presentation could have cause me some marks in it...

Yes... that missing feeling.. is still there.. somewhere in the soul of mine.. always wandering about.. well its up to me to control it..

Its been awhile.. my phone didn't even rang the whole day... not even a text.. or mis-call..

that shows how popular I am..

I really hope she's doing fine and well... had a short conversation ... which at least sums up my day.. She's the nicest girl I ever encountered... Yes you are my dear teacher Tasha. :)

At least this is my opinion...

hmm.. whats next... ?

I guess I try to make this place abit more neater and decently nicer...

That will be all.
Dismiss.


-Khai-

successful failure..

Just like any other day.. although went out for the class outing... I always feel that something is missing...

Doesn't really make any of my day...
As usual.. like any other time I sense .. it was right all the time...

Probably I'm being such an asshole doing all this... trying to be a man.. whom is eaten by his own words... had this glimpse of highlights from Discovery channel regarding the richest man in the world...

A Malaysian millionaire said " .. to get something big... you have to dream big enough.... and when you dream big... achieving it is a small portion of it.." .. I get what he's saying.. but by the looks of my own "dream" .. I couldn't even step onto the Boeing 747-dreamliner... if you know what I mean...

anyway.. cut story short, nice, sweet,clear and simple said.... what things we want doesn't always goes the right way... sometimes we have to accept which is not as what we have expected...

ironically I'm going round...

And there finally... I just need to ask her about what she feels.. hmm I think I should say feel.. sounds too ... nvm I'm short of words.. lets just say think shall we..?

yearh.. I just need to ask her about what she thinks about my confess-ment shit thing..

In the end... she just wants to be a normal friend - line drawn, awake me from hallucination (once again), get back to reality...... and there..... normal ordinary friend.

I always find this weird for myself.. when why I have this "like" feeling towards someone.. it didn't turn out to be the same... Sometimes I just want to feel desensitize from all effect.. probably just send me to war or something..

and yearh.. its like 12.45 am right now... and I can't sleep..sweet dreams? No obviously I can't.. but heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... ( I just need to use this words ) don't fuckin worry about me okay!!!!!!!?! I'll be fine !!.. just like today... and tomorrow will be hell of the same....!


just scroll down below.... see how pathetic I am in my post...? See ? See ? From poem writings to coupon cutting... such a fool are you Khai... yes you are goddamnit..!

That's what I call wildest imagination.. safe to say and agree ... for you and me... that it has gone too far... way too far...

Pathetic la khai... please ... fuckin grow up okay..?

people just want to be friends and you're there day-dreaming again .. having high (not hopes but) dreams...

but out of the milky way...yet its interesting just for myself... just to see how my mood/behaviour/character fluctuates over time, event, situation of cases... which probably makes me summarise myself at the end of the day.. - I'm just as dumb as ever.


Like I've told her.. this is my 2nd time being such a disgrace to myself.. an embarassment which I think of in a better word... towards her... I don't know where to put this .. pathetic face of mine at if I get to see her again.. and that will be the wednesday class..

Self-humiliation.

Just to read from the top to the bottom of this post.. to sum up one word about me.. probably the right word to use is

"Desporate"


Me... what do I have ...? I have nothing.. nothing in my life that I could impress others...

Like I said... we are all living in our own small world.. and for my side.. its already upside down... since the day I was dumped off ... at the end of the day.. people think I'm a fuckn joker .. who creates nonesensical jokes.. which YOU,HIM and HER finds it.. lame.

Fuckin honestly saying, I found it dishearted when people tell me I'm lame. Oh well. Fuck it.

that summarise everything huh.. dumped... oh well. Fuck it.


Just to ease up abit... ( which I don't think so..)

Some new material that I'm addicting to.. X Japan's Hide Memorial Summit... I don't want to talk so much about what its all about.. cause you guys could see it true the link itself...

wait.. lets get things straight... first of all.. is there PEOPLE that will drop by this petty blog.. ??????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61MvPDpicXA&fmt=6 ( Luna Sea & X Japan performing X -Part 1)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFXfSLUB7J8&feature=PlayList&p=C4B5203A578D8F84&index=15

( Luna Sea & X Japan performing X -Part 2 )

So what now Khai? I say.. after having that long fall from my dreams ... its back to square-one.. the same place where I started 12 months ago...


I am being pessimistic.


Oh well. Fuck it.


That will be all.
Dismiss.



-Khai-

The preparation...

Hmm.. as days pass by... things are not used to be what it seems...
another day of boredness.. at home alone and yearh.. there's a lot of assignment on hand.. but I'm still here.. laze around... anyway.. the E-Learning system is under maintenance.. probably a burden to wait for it to be fully function or maybe another temporary excuse ...

Her name which I can't keep out of my mind for even abit.. The obsession is getting abit scary I think... Maybe I AM in love... maybe... but nonetheless.. I've made the confession... which I think is not enough...


Anyway before all this started to happen... including the very first time I went out to eat lunch with her... I've already had a big plan.. which I thought she might want to accept it... but in the end.. maybe she's busy or something....

I've already cut this little coupon out of this Fruit Tree Apple Aloe Vera Fruit Juice drink... which I thought might be useful .. cause I plan to bring her out to have a typical movie watching and all...

yearh.. some discount thingy... plus another free item.. which you can read up yourself..
But all didn't work out what I will be expecting.. anyway.. the coupon ends at 30th of July 08.. do you think I've got the chance..? well I wanna try to ask her about last week or so.. but...

With all her busy routine... when will I ever got the chance again.. to have another decent great time with her... besides seeing her on TKD class on Wednesdays...

And oh yearh... I've just realise that I won't be seeing her anymore for grading..
As I'm going for my 1st Dan... which Jian Xin said that the grading falls on Saturday now..

Probably I would like to come down and see the class having the grading... especially her... maybe I could guide her for the last minute practice of her pattern...

I wonder if she read this.. will she be evasive towards me ... after reading all those what I've posted... this small blog world of mine... for the public to read... for sure she will feel differently towards me... She will think that I'm really crazy... doing all those stuffs.. like cutting coupons .. having high hopes.. which usually girls doesn't like guys to do that... having too much high and false hopes... causing disaster in the future life...

Everyone has a dream.... some are big .. and some are small... I don't know where does my dream stands.. in terms of relationship....

I don't know whether this is true ... they said that true love is when someone who likes you or loves you first... I mean the other party confess it to you... then from there it will start another story of either agreeing with it or not...

Yearh.. love hamsters alot do you, Tasha ?

:)

oh.. oh.. now what do I do with the cinema coupons thingy... ?
Hmm.. probably I will be keeping it.. keeping it to be thrown away...

yearh... Sad but true...

P.S
Tasha, I'm not stalking you or anything.. just that it appears I can't stop thinking about you.
I even do a search of your name at Yahoo.. and there's a few results that surprisingly came out.. one of them.. is your love towards hamsters.. and other things.. which I mentioned before to you .. probably you've forgotten it..

I know you will be abit upset with all these statement and the way I behave ... if I do hurt you or cause any discomfort in terms of feelings or so... with the deepest heart I apologise...

I understand how you will feel.. cause I know what it feels to be in that situation...I always take situations to be in someone shoes...and of course... I will have the same emotional reaction ... be angry .. asking why that person is doing all these.. and probably you will say that you're just a normal friend of mine...and do not want to mislead that person.. if someone were to do this to me....

If that very day I would have propose to you.. and get rejected...

I think I'll be back to square one... living my lonely life again... and thank love again for playing games with my heart..



Probably this is another hidden confession from you ...





-Khai-

Fal.

Am I good enough?
Does I always rush for things..?
What are my weaknesses?
Does it matters if I fall for people and not the other way round?
Does the other party knows about how I feel?
Priority is reserve in the memory of yours?
Or its just like the same for me..?
Why do I keep losing in life..?
Why can't I never ever win once..?
I'm unimportant... right..?
Its better for someone that you like to like you first.. before you acknowledge right?
Don't you think feelings are fuck up?
Will I get the same kind of treatment like your past?
What did I do to deserve this , dear God..?
Irritated by my message day by day .. aren't you..?

Do I ever realize what am I saying?
Am I falling in love again?
Why things are not as smooth as it should go ?
Is my imagination going wild ?
Thinking insensible things towards you even its less than 24 hours of not contacting you ?
So what about you're promises, Khai ?
Those promise you made of not pestering others..?
I wonder why this same old feeling is with me again..?
How do you feel if someone likes you and you don't know her views ?
Maybe she wants peace for the time being ?
Will she ever remember me or have the struck in mind of my name..?
If she's taking it too lightly .. then why am I taking it seriously..?
Why do I fall for you?
Because of your status right now?
Is it because of your mixed heritage?
Or is it because of your future profession?
Is it because of your personality that attracts me ?
How do I get your attention?
Do I need a miracle to change your path of heart?
or
Do I just need to be more understanding?
Being more patient in life?
Wait for the outcome and see?


If you are reading this... do hit me back with your answers. Those one's in orange....

Honestly for the 5th consecutive time..

I can't stop thinking about you..

Will it ever fade?

That will be all.
Dismiss.


-Khai-

Today Tomorrow When?

The day really pass by really slow.. without you...
Since the day that you seek someone to lean on...
At that particular time when you're in sorrow... I decide to give you my hand..
Help.. to my new friend... which something I must do...

But as time goes by...
And at the mean time we know each other...
Things started to change the weakest part of all humans...
Feelings...

I begin to have this like feeling towards you...
but I hold it...
Day by day... the feeling is getting stronger... yet still
I hold it...
The way previously I treated you as a friend has now changed to be much more concerned towards you...
Although I do say all these.. You don't want me to think differently about you cause I know .. you're just treating me like friends.. any other normal friends that you have around...
For once I don't want to have any misunderstanding with you...
Which that is why I confess to you...
But I sense the other way about your reaction...
Yes,dear I truely understand on your recent situation...
and I'm trying my best not to be as typical as other humans.. who will take the chance...
Because like I said... I truely understand your situation...

I've been always wanting to go out with you...
But since after the confession...
No doubt it will be harder for me to do that..?
I just sense everything going against me...

If you want to know, my dear...
I pray by the grace of God ... I will be a better person than before...
Treating the other party with all my soul and heart...
I've learn my mistakes from the past that I did and experienced...

To be much better than before you had... is my aim..

I maybe not the perfect person in terms of appearance..
but I am capable to make you're life an ever lasting heaven where
rains even give way and avoid you when you're out open...
The leaves of trees give you shade on every soil you step from the bright sun..
The very wind that will breeze to you just to make you comfortable from all situations...
The red clouds and finest stars at night to mesmerize and sum up your day..

I really hope to see you again.. those smile of yours... just like the shape of the crescent of the moon...


If I get the chance again ... that is..

Your name is in my mind... always.

How about you ?




-Khai-

Yoshiki- Your song...

Its another round of cycle since 12 months ago...

the feeling .. the very same feeling.. that I feel about to lose someone..

its just can't be erased away huh...

I think I'm taking it too seriously.. never do I learn from my mistakes..

saying I've learn from my mistakes..and all that stuff..

I just wanna be wiser.. thats all.. learning from my mistakes...

Its like the earth and skies.. paired up together..
there's day.. and there's night...
There's rain and there's shine...
Even though its just an petty illusion..
I'm still trapped inside this emotional cage..

heh.. I always asked myself why am I in this state..?
Why I always be so emotional in this kind of situation?

part of me.. saying... I don't want to lose another hard found chance.. which I've always dreamed for..

thats the very answer that is deep buried...

People will never understand it...

I told Amy about it, my dear brother who I respect the most... he mentioned to me to just be away for the time being.. and I totally agree with him..

but now.. not even a day..

i need to get rid of this feeling...

probably with a change of this.. i can change my life.. the entire life..

but hey.. if it were a success.. im sure it gonna boost the hell up of my life too..
i've got something to look for...

Damn I missed Toshi's voice...
X Japan.. always tatooed on my heart.

anyway Yoshiki lovers... if you do listen carefully on Without You.. you can hear Yoshiki sobbing..
its really emotional...

just feel like how he lost his great friend.. HIDE..

and be in his shoes.. I think he did a very terrific job in the song Without You for HIDE..

anyway.. I wanna wake up from this dawn sleep.. trapped in the light of sight..

Immune to all weaknesses..

Hmm.. hopefully you're reading it..

I do like you. A strong feeling towards you.. yes.

I have to admit it.



Come on Khai... you're strong in mind.. you can overcome it..




-Khai-

Midnight square...

yea... I finally did confess about me .. feeling attracted or should I say like her...

I just have to tell it ... I can't hold it up much longer.... So there goes another fight in the category called love.

I have this feeling that she just treat me as normal friends... nothing much... not even that hmm abit much... like having the same mentality like me...

besides ... I understand .. that she recently had some "separation".. which everyone understand its a sh!t and one to forget memories...

but... my interest to her is really this great.. as in.. like I'm really falling....

I even made a song... which is unfinished... called "window-watched"

although the lyrics doesn't have any connection with the title... I just wanna dedicate it to her... as she's quite a person who like watch the nature... its okay... if you don't understand.. cause something I'm using my own language... as usual...


well .. once again... I don't know whether.. does she take it into account that seriously.. hmm.. I don't expect to be that serious ar.. I mean.. does it takes into her conscious... on my confession...



I've had my prayers...if which this is a success.. in the Name of Allah.. insyallah.. I will repent my mistakes which was done before.. and .. treat her with all my kindness life...

but for now..

I'm just waiting for that one fine day....


cheerios guys.



-Khai-

I'm falling in it...

Its 2:30am .. and I'm still here.. awake.. infront of my notebook...

I've been updating my CRS presentation slides... yet to compile the others slides...

but one thing that struck my mind... is her...

Tasha...

Right now.. every-damn-day I keep thinking about her...

even though we just go out once... but it feels some kind of different ... for me that is...

I would text her.. straight after my school ends... to know how/what she's doing...

couldn't disturb her that much though as she is a contract teacher.. in one of those primary school...

how can I express my thoughts and feelings towards her...

If i do it right now... it will totally change her perception towards me...

but right now.. I'm planning to bring her out again.. yearh... just the 2...

maybe from there... there will be difference made...

the thing is that.. its hard for me to get her free time...

but patience is always a virtue...


I'll wait for you Tasha... one day..

FreeBird...

Its a very very very damn long time since I post my other blogs.. and this one mean abit speacial ...

Well I don't know how the hell I get so busy on that week... as I got myself into the volunteering crew member in the Oops event at Sentosa as a soundman... along with my other classmates whom all think its gonna be a very great day ahead ... but in the end.. I have to compromise the Oops event... to go for this Taekwondo Tournament...

Had this taekwondo tournament for two solid days... it was so nervous ... especially the 2nd day.. I don't know why... but the first day of my competition... It was rather decent and as well a day for me not to remember... although I won my very first bout in a tournament... plus a K.O... yearh..


The guy who I fought with... fell on to the ground ... and couldn't stand at all... after hitting him with devastating turning kick... right into the back of his spine... which some of them claimed... the officials I mean of course...

To cut the story short... the ambulance came... and he was put into the stretcher ..... and by the looks of it.. its a very bad one... he's barely unconscious... petrified ... I am... my first ever feeling.. a guy fall on my own hands...

I manage to qualify to the next preliminary round... and lost as usual... I couldn't focus... I don't know what I was doing that time... was too tired... probably because she's around... I was so damn happy for the first time.. since 12 months ago... regarding on a tough break up...

Tasha... is her name..
I just know her through the Taekwondo class practice at Woodlands CC.. on one occassion that I was sparring with a Poom belt guy... and went I've done sparring my ass out and I've sitted down back to my line... she turned back and give some opinions and comments...

From that moment onwards .. I feel so ..hmmm desperate to know her.. as in between of the opinions and comments etc... I've asked about her age... which made me have a shock for awhile...

Well to cut story short...

After she had some trouble with his previous guy... after they decide to go separate ways... She often hmm.. replied my text abit longer than before ... and when I manage to qualify to the next round in the competition... she agreed to come down to hmm... support me ... which in the end.. I didn't impress any of the team and her because of my lost...

but we had a great lunch together.. I don't call it a date... but .. just eating lunch together... even I call it a date... it will sound like I'm a despo... but yea.. we had great conversations... so on and forth.. heh.. she's a hard girl to go out with.. because of her busy routine on weekends... and that very moment I had.. was a privelege to go out with her.. even though its like going around yishun.. bringing her to the park area... where she insist to have a place where's there is a swing...

Simple said.. on that very time... I'm starting to like her... I really do... but hey.. I don't know about her own feelings and opinion.. maybe if I said to earlier... she might feel abit different towards me.. so I decide to keep this secret between myself and god...

furthermore she just had been going through tough times throwing away her memories with her previous guy which they last for 7 months...

but hey teacher , Tasha... I really like you... as in ... emotionally...

maybe she just regard me as a normal friend... which she usually do to her other guy friends...

I just don't want to be misinterpret.. when I say to her the truth... and whether she kindly rejects it... I don't want to be dishearted...

maybe I'm in ... hmmm... love again...

If I am...

She just might be the one who can cover up my past sorrows ...

and if the fate do meet us...

I'm gonna promise to the high of heavens and the lowest of hells... that I will not mistreat her like I did on my previous....

Mistake to be learn.. and I've paid a price to that...

Tasha...

will all these be true..?

Will you ever have the difference of feeling IF you were to read all this... ?

I can't stand to hold it any much longer.. I just need to voice it out... secretly..

yes.. in that hide out of mine...

-Khai-