June 30, 2003
last night, i couldn't get to sleep. at all.
12:00: just finished watching harry potter on HBO. 'just nice- if i go to bed now, wake up, say, around 6 in the morning- 6 hours of sleep; should be enough for next morning's GP test.
1210: decided to play some music. audiovent. ended up listening to the entire cd, which if i'm not mistaken, runs for some 47 min.
1257: still can't sleep. must have been too pre-occupied thinking about my gp test the next morning. different thoughts chased each other round my brain. 'what would
i do if i was a wizard. or maybe not a wizard, but what if
i had an invisibility cloak? what would i do? that kept me up for another twenty minutes plus...
0120: ended up wanking.
0121: [ha, just kidding.]
0145: ran through all the weird shit they put up in websites that teach you how to relax. focus on your breathing, imagine your toes going to sleep first, then the knees, then your hips, and so on till you're completely asleep. attempted that, but didn't work. formulated my own method- focus on the darkness behind eyelids. focus on that and nothing else. tell your self to go to sleep, in a gentle, draggy voice... thought it was beginning to work. yawned for the first time that night. was excited with the results i was beginning to yield. maybe i could sell my idea, teaching people how to go to sleep when they can't. i'll be rich, oprah will want me on her show! or, i could write a book, and be famous! was all that possible? realised my go-to-sleep mantra had been broken.
0210: wide awake.
0220: experimented with different sleeping positions. i usually do sleep with my belly against the bed, but this time i modified it a bit. sleep with a bolster between your legs, [face down still ; )] and press your face against the pillow. discovered i was fast becoming less and less awake, but this was only because i was suffocating myself.
0230: contemplated reading one of my dad's magazines. they
always put me to sleep. but i had none in my room. didn't feel like going all the way to dad's room either.
0240: still awake.
0400: must have dozed off. pissed with myself and the rest of the world, i get up to switch on the light, to check the time. 4, fucking, am. 2 hours left before mother wakes me up for school.
0405: wonder how it's possible for me to not get to sleep at all, in spite of trying for hours on end. consider the possibility of failing because i was trying too hard-
"a watched pot never boils". also tried reasoning whether Murphy had anything to do with this as well. probably.
i think i finally dozed off at 5am. but at 630 when my mom woke me up, it felt like i hadn't slept at all. still made an attempt to sound sleepy-headed though. no idea who i'm kidding.
8:11 PM
June 29, 2003
Desire, the fifth of The Endless, yours is the
realm of lust, want, passion, and, of course,
desire. You tend to be selfish, only concerning
yourself with your own needs, and you have no
scruples about using your absolute draw over
the opposite sex to get your way. You love
being around people, because it's never long
before they give in to your will.
Which Endless are you? brought to you by Quizilla
heh.
7:58 PM
June 28, 2003
be the exact representation of everything
they will never be.
4:41 PM
You are The Merovingian, from "The
Matrix." Wit and danger, with a French
twist. You are adamant about the slightly
materialistic things- power, wealth, posession.
Dominating, aren't we?
What Matrix Persona Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
d'you know, i didn't even catch the matrix, but i get the feeling a lota people didn't like this guy in the movie.
11:23 AM
June 25, 2003
SPIRIT is your chinese symbol!
What Chinese Symbol Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
brilliant, me.
5:56 PM
you are "interview with the vampire" by
anne rice.
which amazing piece of literature are you? brought to you by Quizilla
5:49 PM
doi, jonah, we still have to make that damn lava lamp some day ya.
12:13 AM
June 24, 2003
cause you see, noel's actually jealous of liam. noel can't sing. well, he can, but his voice is terrible. everybody else, plus liam, except noel knows this. and that's why he thinks he's really great. this pisses liam off, BIG TIME. which is the reason why they don't get along. they don't do concerts together either, because noel's a bigot. that's what
i think.
Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
I don't wanna be there when you're ...
Coming down
I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground
So dont go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day ... In the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind
Me and you whats going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong
oasis - don't go away
2:16 PM
June 23, 2003
trashed my own house party cause nobody came
3:50 PM
June 21, 2003
Gay Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
again? this one, i didn't plan for...
12:28 PM
Well!, Duh! you clicked yes what do you expect! Of
Course You're Gay!
Are You Gay? brought to you by Quizilla
hhahahahaha!
12:19 PM
oh my god, it's my birthday! i'm fucking
18 years old! woohOo~!
12:50 AM
too gay for words
12:39 AM
What Finding Nemo Character are You? brought to you by Quizilla
da fish. no one's *sniff* ever said that to me before.
12:27 AM
June 18, 2003
i battle with my sister for a full 15 minutes over the computer, punching kicking pinching, why we even played darts for it. after coming out victorious, bruised, nonetheless, i realise i have no use for the computer.
11:12 PM
totally gutted. they've decided to let my beckham go to real fucking madrid for just, -JUST- 35mil euros. and as i was at the official united website reading the article, there was this picture of beckham at the side. under it, 'click on becks to
buy this farewell photo.'
and that's what it's been all about.
1:03 PM
June 17, 2003
last night, i dreamt i had anal sex. in a male toilet (but not with a guy). and the cubicle we were in had three walls, only. it was pretty freaky.
hm. wonder what
that's supposed to mean.
1:36 PM
June 16, 2003
Becks: I'd rather give up football than quit United
Distraught David Beckham last night sensationally confessed: "I'd rather pack in football than leave Manchester United." In an emotional cry from the heart, Beckham even insisted he'd play for FREE to prove to Sir Alex Ferguson how much he wants to stay at Old Trafford. The world's most-wanted player was devastated when United publicly confirmed they had accepted a conditional £30million bid from Barcelona, as revealed exclusively in the News of the World. Now, in another exclusive, we can reveal how Beckham, close to tears, confided: "I'd rather jack it in than leave United. They're the only team I've ever wanted to play for. I'm absolutely gutted over what's happened." Beckham revealed his true feelings during an anguished conversation with his closest pal, Dave Gardner. The England captain told his friend that his heart will always belong to United and that he doesn't want to join Barca-or the other clubs battling to sign him, AC Milan and Real Madrid. Incredibly, he even insisted: "I'll prove to Alex Ferguson my loyalty for the club by playing for free if I have to.
read this article while listening to 'from the inside' by linkin park. emotion rush, i swear.
1:29 PM
June 14, 2003
i, night person
i have a problem with my parents' superstition against clipping nails at night. it's not fair, it only occurs to me to do these things at night. what can i do?
mental note: start new religion in favour of night-clipping-of-nails.
11:55 PM
Princeton
You're smart, you're thin, you're pretty, and
goddamit, people love you. You are destined for
great, great things, little Princetonian. Let
there be a never-ending stream of Country-Club-
Like institutions in your unmarred future.
Which Ivy League University is right for YOU? brought to you by Quizilla
haha, RIGHTO.
7:28 PM
haha, check
this out.
check out the merry christmas one as well, while you're at it.
6:28 PM
yesterday, i was in town doing gown-shopping. not for myself, but for a friend. and then just as i was telling her how the music played in a shop greatly influences my decision of whether to go in or not, we went into this place playing some awesome track. (she obviously called the shots yesterday as to which shops we went into, but we were both glad that i granted my approval anyway for this shop). and so i asked the shopkeeper, 'scuse me, what album is it?' he looks up from his packet of noodles and lets out a muffled 'huh?' with noodles dangling from his puffed mouth. then he bends down and lifts up Linkin Park's new Meteora album case. 'no shit' goes i. so i go home and start downloading as many tracks as i can find on the net off the Meteora album. to my dismay, i discover that i can't find that song i heard in that gown-shop. and that was like after downloading 7 or so songs. then i look some more and find another two songs i didn't see previously. finally, the last song gets downloaded fully and i listen to it. aahhh... but the point is,
it was in the last place i looked, so to speak. bloody annoying, why does it ALWAYS have to be like that.
song of the day: Linkin Park - Nobody's Listening
6:05 PM
June 12, 2003
some real lyrics
Speed kills coming down the mountain
Speed kills coming down the street
Speed kills with presence of mind and
Speed kills if you know what I mean
Got to feel - woke up inside again
Got to feel less broke more fixed
Got to feel when I got outside myself
Got to feel when I touched your lips
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something we can't take
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some time
I wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee
How's it feel she's coming up roses
How's it feel she's coming up sweet
How's it feel when it's all in spite of you
How's it feel when she's out of your reach
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something in the way
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some time
I wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee
What happened to you
Bush - The People That We Love (Speed Kills)
2:51 PM
June 11, 2003
ok, i did a parody of britney spears' lucky. here goes.
This is a story about a guy named Pakky…
Early morning, he wakes up
He finds his cock on the floor
It's time for makeup; please don't smile
you don't know what this is for...
They go…
"Isn't he ugly, that 'Hollywood' guy?"
And they say…
[CHORUS:]
He's so sucky, but he's a star
And it's all because they needed an extra. He thinks,
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why does my crotch feel so light
Lost in a dream, he's still asleep
But no one dares to wake him up
Cos the world is scheming for a new beginning
And this time, there will not be a Pak.
They go…
"Isn't he ugly, that 'Hollywood' guy?"
And they say…
[Repeat CHORUS]
"Best extra, and the winner is…Pakky!"
"I'm Roger Johnson for Pop News standing outside the arena waiting for Pakky"
"Oh my god…here he comes!"
Isn't he sucky, that 'Hollywood' guy?
He is so ugly, but that's not why he cries...
Yet if there's nothing missing in his life
Why do tears come at night?
; ) hope you don't mind, my good ol' pakky = )
11:04 AM
June 09, 2003
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: benjamin niroshan bala
-- Birth date: 21 june 1985
-- Birthplace: Palmerston North, NZ
-- Current Location: singapore
-- Eye Color: black
-- Hair Color: mostly black
-- Height: 178cm
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: gemini/cancer
LAYER TWO:
-- The shoes you wore today: no shoes, only teva sandals.
-- Your weakness: i have none. haha, righT.
-- Your fears: lizards, beetles, cockroaches i believe you see a pattern
-- Your perfect pizza: one from pizza hut, with extra chicken and extra cheese...
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: first million by the age of 21. i promise you, i'm working on it. ; )
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM : what the hell is AIM
-- Your thoughts first waking up: who the hell's calling me at this hour.
-- Your best physical feature: we've gone over this before. my thumbnails.
-- Your bedtime: i don't do bedtimes
-- Your most missed memory: my first house in Jurong
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: coke. or actually, vanilla coke.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: burger king
-- Single or group dates: if it's a date, isn't the single implied.
-- Adidas or Nike: nike
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: first one
-- Chocolate or vanilla: i don't mind either
-- Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: why does everyone ask me this nowadays. it's still no.
-- Cuss: yeah
-- Sing: yeah
-- Take a shower everyday: unless i'm bed-ridden, which it has happened once or twice, by the way. other than that, you doubt me unnecessarily.
-- Have a crush(es): tee hee hee, pLeNtY~!
-- Do you think you've been in love: do i think? no. have i been in love? yea.
-- Want to go to college: yeah
-- Like(d) high school: hell yeah. best time of my life. what would life be without ol' pakky.
-- Want to get married: no
-- Believe in yourself: kinda
-- Get motion sickness: not motion sickness, but i have other deviant bodily reactions when i fly at times which make up for it.
-- Think you're attractive: ooh, yea
-- Get along with your parent(s): hell, no. mom yes, though.
-- Like thunderstorms: and the lightning displays, yeap.
-- Play an instrument: i have records which claim that i play the piano, but that's news to me. uhm, i can string my guitar... and tune it.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: yea
-- Smoked: again, i'm tempted to slap you, but you aren't even real.
-- Done a drug: whoops. nah, not me.
-- Made Out: haha
-- Gone on a date: yea
-- Gone to the mall?: of course. shopping, man. oh and i just found out britindia's having a huge sale. and so's surface. oh my god. must go down again soon.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: what's with you, anyhow...
-- Eaten sushi: in the last month... damn, don't think so. ok, add that to my to-do list.
-- Been dumped: of course not.
-- Gone skating: no.
-- Made homemade cookies: nah
-- Gone skinny dipping: i'll get sued by every individual if i skinny-dipped in the estate pool.
-- Dyed your hair: nope
-- Stolen anything: hey hey, i LIVE by the law.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: no, but i invented a game that required removal of clothing.
-- If so, was it mixed company: oh no, it was an all boys affair, naturally..
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: nope. don't care much for hangovers.
-- Been caught "doing something": yes, just the other day i was caught "doing something". it was "awful".
-- Gotten beaten up: they wldn't dare.
-- Shoplifted: hm, yea
-- Changed who you were to fit in: what the cow?
LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 26. oh wait! that's if i did want to get married. i'd choose 26.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 6 kids, not telling.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: on the sand, by the beach... sun setting, crimson hues of the bleeding sun delving into the grey evening sky. bride's wearing a black bikini and an elaborate sarong thing... flowers in her hair. and it's just us. oh for some reason, she's brazilian.
-- Where you want to go to college: sigh... brazil.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: everything i am now, only older.
-- What country would you most like to visit: italy, spain.
LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color?: blue
-- Best hair color?: dark brunet hair
-- Short or long hair: long
-- height: not too short will do
-- Best weight: depends on the height, no?
-- Best articles of clothing: anything she's comfortable wearing lah. fine, low-neck, bare back. sue me.
-- Best first date location: one of those S-11 food court things. sure to hit it off.
-- Best first kiss location: some place alfresco
LAYER TEN:
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: my life? probably a few. i hope. dunnoe, never asked.
-- Number of CDs that I own: a lot, but a lot of it's crap. too much of it, in fact.
-- Number of piercings: oh, one! haha. on the ear. left.
-- Number of tattoos: none. but i intend to get a couple before i'm done.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: oh, once! oh no, twice! yea, once or twice lar.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: no regrets, they don't work.
3:58 PM
Daddy
You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.
Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time---
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one grey toe
Big as a Frisco seal
And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.
In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend
Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.
It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene
An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.
The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gypsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.
I have always been scared of *you*,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You---
Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.
You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who
Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.
But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look
And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.
If I've killed one man, I've killed two---
The vampire who said he was you
and drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.
There's a stake in your fat, black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always *knew* it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.
3:08 PM
June 07, 2003
i once had an astrologer come to my house and conduct a full-session with my family. when it got to me, he laughed. he said 'this one will have an interesting love life. he'll get married at the age of 42. but he will also be unlucky when it comes to love.' true enough, i feel closer to wanting to becoming a full-fledged bachelor by the day.
but i don't know if it's by choice. because try as i do, i can't find love either.
12:37 PM
June 04, 2003
i went for an endoscopy yesterday.
mother dearest decided to take me to an ENT specialist after careful deliberation for nearly a year. what i thought was a case of sinisitus, turned out to be something else. the doc told me i don't have sinus. which at first i wanted to contest. for at least 3 years i had been with living with the notion that i was suffering from sinus. even my GP (my bloody work-of-the-devil GP) told me i had sinus. he even had the nerve to announce that i had the worst case of sinusitis he'd ever seen. he probably never seen much anyway.
the doc my mom took me to was a specialist at mount elizabeth. his name was aloomutil benjamin john. WHAT a name, i thought. after the ceremonial 45-minute delay at his clinic, i was called in. he started out by asking the customary questions about my nasal misfortunes. such as is it blocked, does it run, phlegm yes, phlegm no. and then he showed me the endoscope. immediately, images i had seen on discovery channel crossed my mind. 'now, what i'm going to do is STICK this damn thing UP your nose and through your brains till you DIE.' is what i half-expected him to say. but instead, ' this won't hurt a bit' is what he said, in earnest candour.
i stared at him.
'how much of it is going up my head?' i asked him. 'your head? oh, just about -this much-' he replied, indicating about a quarter of the Enemy. 'but first i'm going to have to spray this into your nostrils, because it's really very blocked.' and in that moment of pride, i felt something wet on the back of my hand. 'it doesn't smell. but it's going to leave a bitter taste. go on, smell it.' not wanting to disappoint him, i brought my hand up to my nose and sniffed. no smell. just as he said.
just as i was beginning to trust him, he switched on the Enemy. i made him promise to go v-e-r-y slow, then closed my eyes. he started with the left nostril. it started out fantastically well, that is until he actually put it in. he was halfway through when he said, 'ok, i'm entering your throat now..' 'MY THROAT?!' i thought as violently as i could. but i thought a little too loudly, then realised i could speak even with the thing in my... head. but i knew he was going in anyway, so i didn't bother. i finally felt it at the back of my throat. there was a point where i reasoned with myself, why oh WHY, i even had to pay money for this. 'okay, we're done. that was brilliant.' he finally said after easing the Enemy out of my... head. i let out a loud sigh.
'okay, now the right.' - my parents laughed. of course they would. they were sitting in a comfortable corner, while i was the one having to deal with objects exploring my nasal cavity. well, it didn't hurt. but it was frightening. at one point, the doc told me he was going past my voice box. for a split second i thought, 'oh, cool.' and then he asked me to say 'E'. then i thought 'oh, shit'. but all was well as it was discovered that my voice box wasn't maimed. 'so now it's the right,' i thought to myself. i decided to go ahead with it. or rather that's what they all would have me think. the procedure went on. but midway through, complications arose. and so did my mother.
'as you can see he's got a very deviated septum. this right side... the passage is so narrow that i dare not go further.' my mother went forward to have a look at the television recording of my internals. 'oooh...'
after my 5 seconds of jubilations and celebrations, the doc removed the Enemy from me. or me from the Enemy. after all that, we moved on to more acceptable and familiar things. he introduced a nasal spray to me and told me how i should use up the entire bottle in three weeks' time, after which i am to see him again. and he also gave me Aerius, a flu tablet 20x more potent than Clarityne. i don't know why, but i take pride in knowing that i suffer more greatly than others. it puts me on a level that i know everyone else should pity me cos i deserve it. but it's not the pity i'm after, it's the fact that they're actually expending/wasting some pity on ME. either that or it's the celebrity of being a medical marvel. or freak.
sigh. maybe next week it's a trip to the psychiatric ward for me. it's just next to the otorhinolaryngology department, for some reason. by the way, that doctor aloomutil benjamin john guy cost me $354. that's more than my monthly allowance. that bastard. heh.
3:05 PM
June 01, 2003
just love life people friends no enemies
6:34 PM
song of the day: unloco - failure
Maybe I, I didn't seem to have a thing left to say
I bottled it far away
Maybe I, I tried too hard to find someone to blame
Maybe it's me who changed
And now, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe I, I didn't seem to give everything away
Not because I needed you to stay, and I
I couldn't face the fears I left far behind
I try to answer every question to why
I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe you couldn't see
All the pain inside of me
And now I feel like this was all for nothing
'Cause I'm left with nothing, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
6:30 PM
somebody, SHOOT me.
12:46 AM
You are an Elementalist. Your magic stems from the
forces of nature. You might be a forest
nuturing Druid, a storm-creating Weather-Wizard
or any of the many Elementals, but one thing is
sure-- your bond with nature is strong. You can
rely heavily on nature to support yourself
aesthetically or physically for it lends you
both comfort and strength. Your instincts
rarely fail you. You are vibrantly passionate
but are sometimes carried away by your own
emotions.
Which Magical Order Are You In? brought to you by Quizilla
12:36 AM
I am infinity
You may worship me,
but from afar
_ |
this quiz by orsa
oh, i love that.
12:24 AM
