I'm Actually More Clever Than What I Give Myself Credit For

I really am.

You see, I'm in a blue funk.  I have been for a few days.  I've been short-tempered with Phill, (and bless him, he's taken it all in stride - this man truly is a gift to me from God), I really didn't want to leave the house today.  I had things to do, errands to run, but I dug my toes in and refused to leave the house.  I was dressed in the morning and around midday, I changed into my slobby house clothes - that's how bad it was!  In the end I did leave the house, since I had plans to go to Phillipa & Truman's for a bbq (Rebecca and I kindly invited ourselves over - so glad I went, because it was good fun - more on that tomorrow.)  But now,  I am home again, back to feeling that awful empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to cry my eyes out.

I'm not sure what it is or why it is, but it's there.

So... I don't like it.  Then I thought I'd work on my Alphabet of Gratitude, since I'm so close to done.  Of course, that left me at 'x.'  Earlier today, I wandered around the internet for a while and stumbled upon this blog today, by a beautiful, gorgeous, loving soul named Dyamond.  It made me smile.  It was a bit of what I needed.  So I went back there and read some more and smiled some more.  Felt some warmth creeping in to fill that empty pit.

Then, I thought I'd look for that book I wrote about ages ago to see what they had for 'x.'  So I searched for it on my own blog... and I am actually more clever than what I give myself credit for.  There it says, in my own computerized-stylized hand "If you're feeling a bit like you're lost in the wilderness, or even if you're just in a little spot of a blue funk, this is definitely a book worth picking up."

That's exactly how I'm feeling.

The amazing thing is that the simple act of writing about this little book over a year ago, shows me now that I have the foresight, strength and fortitude to pull myself out of any blue funk I may be ensconced in.  It's okay to be in a blue funk sometimes as long as you allow yourself the time to feel and understand what's behind it, but then we have to remember to use the tools, friends, relationship and love (for ourselves and others) we have to pull us out to the other side.

I guess on some level, what I'm trying to say is that I think it's pretty fantastic that I didn't need anyone else to start pulling me out this time - I just needed to look back on some of my own wise words and realise that what I need already lies within me.

Stumbling Upon Wisdom

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts in the last little while and I haven't really realised why until this instant.  It's almost as though the realisation bypassed my conscious mind and is only free to flow through my fingers as they fly across the keyboard.  (I was planning to write about knitting today... maybe that'll come tomorrow!)

I've been feeling off-colour for the usual reasons (i.e. - tired, distracted, a little homesick), but also because there has been many big and little changes in my life over the past year.  I know change is an inevitable part of life; a necessary component to growth and as the saying goes (translated from French) "The more things change, the more they remain the same."  But I'm finding I crave some sense of stability and simplicity because:

Change.  Is.  Scary. 

 I want things to go back about a year.  Life to rewind to when it was just a tiny bit easier and scary "adult" decisions didn't have to be made.  When Dad was still around.  But time marches on.

The last straw for me seems to be my, er, our cute, new red car.  It's is ridiculously cute.  I do ♥  it.  We've just (as in today) purchased it from Nana, as she no longer drives.  I really enjoy driving. I always have - especially in a car that handles nicely.  It's fun. 

But learning how to drive a manual after driving an automatic for 17 some odd years has just about sent me over the edge.  It's exhilarating and I'm quite pleased that I've learned and I can mostly do it, but at this precise moment, I'm feeling very mixed up about changing yet another thing that was so normal to me.  Another piece of what was my understanding of 'normal' has changed.  It's a small thing, but there we go.  I'm not saying it's rational, it just is.  I have no doubt, I will bawl my eyes out when I sell my impractically small black car, with its silly red rims. 

Which leads to this...

Unfortunately for those closest to me, this 'out of sorts-ness' comes out as being really, really grumpy (I'm very sorry. Very. Very.  Very.) Tears are threateningly close to the surface at all times. Not just sometimes, or most of the time, at all times, regardless of what I'm doing. (Which I find endlessly frustrating.)  Increasingly more often, I find my brows are knit together in a most unattractive way and a scowl firmly planting itself on my kisser. I don't even think I realise that I'm doing it sometimes...  as though the muscles in my face all move by their own volition.  I find myself feeling emotionally detached to what I'd usually care for and far too emotional about things I shouldn't be so bothered by.  The most unfortunate side effect of all this, is that I'm not loving myself as much as I usually do and should do.

So, at least I'm aware of it, right?  Then... The universe has given me just what I needed, yet again.  I'm not sure how I stumbled onto this article : 100 Ways You Can Start Loving Yourself Right Now as I was searching for the Good Reads widget, but it is just what I need.  It brought a smile to my face and a bit of lightness to my heart.  Now, I am being realistic; I know I'll snap out of this blue funk and this article has not cured me of my present state - but it is a well needed push a very right direction. 

If you can, take a ten minute time out to read the article.  I hope it will help that (sometimes elusive) path of positivity to stay lit for you too. 

picture credit