And...I'm done!

Today would have been my 20 year wedding anniversary.  I'm a little tender tonight...I won't lie. This post is going to be pretty raw and is fueled by frustration and some anger.  I will probably erase it someday...but for now, I'd like to write down my thoughts.  It's at this moment I wish so badly I was better at expressing how I feel...my words don't ever seem to get it quite right.  But I'll give it a try :)

My 30 day online dating experiment is officially over....whew!  And what do I have to show for it?? A little less faith in men,  a little more understanding of myself and a renewed and more fierce commitment to the law of chastity.

I met 7 men in 30 days. I have put them into 3 categories... NI (No Interest), P (Pervert) and MM (Meth Mouth).  3 were NI's, 3 were P's and 1 MM.  Do I need to explain MM??  He really was a nice guy who had been through SO much...a little too much for me to wrap my head around.

NI's were nice enough, but I felt NOTHING.  No interest at all.  And really, one of the worst parts of dating is telling a good man you aren't interested.  It breaks my heart and I try to avoid it at all costs. Although, I have learned that being honest about it quickly is best, but it still SUCKS.

The men I want to vent about today are the P's.  These are the men who claim to be "good LDS" men who say all the right things and look the part...but are only after one thing from women.  Now I have to say - I understand the loneliness of divorce and the pang of missing affection and closeness with someone. Honestly, that's one of the most difficult parts of divorce.  So I get that.  But it makes me sad when men who are probably good people, confuse women as objects or sex as love. Chastity is something they should be protecting.  A virtuous woman is something they should admire. Right? The frustrating part of this is that it seems to be the norm.  It's so accepted, especially in this LDS mid-single lifestyle I am now a part of.  It's almost like, because it's so hard to stay chaste after you've been married, that Heavenly Father must not really expect that from us. I even had one guy tell me that I would never find a man willing to wait for marriage and that I was going to be single for the rest of my life if I didn't just give into it.  He told me I was deceived and he was VERY disappointed in me... :/ He needed a kick in the crotch. So much more could be said...so many more details could be given...but you get the gist.

I have to say, in the past year, I have met some wonderful, GOOD men who for various reasons haven't worked out. THEY give me hope. And I have the best dad, bros and bro-in-laws on earth. They are exceptional men who treat women with respect and kindness. I know that there is someone out there for me...I'm just not going to find him on Match.com because I am done with online dating. FOREVER.

I love the story of Rebekah and Isaac... It always makes me smile and fills me with hope.  The best part of the story is when Rebekah first saw Isaac and he first saw her. For "virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light."  When Isaac went out to meet the caravan, Rebekah "lighted off her camel."  And then it says, "And he loved her." Awe!  That's what I'm talking about!

Jess Bess

  It was just Jess and I for the whole weekend! Awe...I loved it so much.  It's not that I don't love being with Tey and Kobe, but having Mom/Daughter time doesn't happen very often anymore and we have so much fun together. One of the BEST parts of the weekend was the fact that I didn't have to tell her to "PLEASE be nice" to Teylor and Kobe. Ha! Here are a few reasons why I adore her so much:

Jess is hilarious.  She has a very quick, witty sense of humor and loves to make people laugh.  Combine that with her sassy, fiery personality (who doesn't put up with ANY crap) and you've got this wonderfully sarcastic little lady.  For example:  We were late to church on Sunday... why?? I asked Jess to curl my hair and we were doing each others makeup and such.  You know, really important things... anyway, when we got there we had missed the bread and were standing in the hall.  The sweet little Deacon came out with the water, saw us and didn't come over to give us any (knowing we hadn't been there for the bread) and Jessie's response had me giggling.  She said, "That's it!  I'm writing a letter to the Bishop.  He didn't even give us the opportunity to take the Sacrament!  Oh, I'm ragin'. He is just grindin' my gears mom."  She is serious and kidding at the same time and it cracks me up. I tell her to stop through my laughter...not very effective parenting.  Also, during the closing prayer, they asked a blessing for anyone with "special needs"... we both elbowed each other and started laughing silently. She talks non-stop and tells me every detail of everything.  Sometimes I get distracted when she is talking to me and she'll say "all you do is text mom..."  So we compared texting numbers. I had 1500 and she had over 10,000.  Not even joking.  She is always on her phone, is incredibly fast AND can carry on two conversations at once.  I don't have that capability.    

This girl has had a boyfriend since 5th grade (not the same one...lots of different boys) so when she got asked to Homecoming it wasn't a big surprise.  I'm just happy she has waited this long before going on an official date...she will be a month away from 16! Hallelujah. It hasn't been easy and she and I have had MANY talks about boys and dating...I just hope she'll want to get married someday after all of my warnings. It is weird to go places with her and watch the guys checking her out...I find myself giving many dirty looks.

Jess is the most responsible 15 year old I've ever known.  She didn't get that quality from me... I was no where near that at 15...or 25 really.  Maybe it comes from being the 1st child, or it's just her personality.  But she takes care of everything.  She is on the Riverton Drill Team this year and has to be there at 5:30 every morning.  She is the one dragging my lazy butt out of bed to drive her there.  I don't have to worry about her, she takes care of herself and works hard at everything she does.  I love that. I feel very blessed that she was sent to me.  I have said this often - honestly, I don't know what I would do without her.  My sweet little girl. She is the best.