Potter

When troubles seemed to make me stumble
And fears seemed to bring me down
Lord You stretched out Your mighty hand
Lord You poured out Your amazing grace

You are always here

Drying my every tears

The warmth of Your love

Is always surrounding me

Lord in Your hands

I lay down my life

Lord in Your hands

I commit my all

May You mould me to be

someone that You want me to be

When my foundation seemed to be shakened
Lord Your promises built me stong
When my future seemed so dark and rocky
Lord You revealed Your perfect Will

All that I receive tomorrow
Let me give You praise
Because I know that everything Lord
Is under Your perfect plan

- Humphrey Tan

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I suddenly had the thought of visiting a friend's blog. The moment I arrived, I was welcomed by the above verse. I find this verse so powerful and so beautiful as it really calms my soul. As everyone knows, the O Level results would be released tomorrow. It is human nature for anyone who will be collecting his results to worry and fear. Although sometimes I do appear to be ignorant, but in my heart, it's full of anxiety and fear. I find it really hard to put my trust in the Lord. Theoretically, He will be there for me. However, I doubted Him. A lot of "What if... then.." kept repeating in my mind. The more I think about my results, the more I worry. However, the moment I read that verse, I felt a magical and awesome force flowing within me, calming my heart almost immediately. So now, whatever the outcome, whatever the future, althought I may not be able to know what will happen next, or may not comprehend God's plan for me. But there is one thing that I do know. That is I'd always be praising Him all day long.

Victory Chant

Hail Jesus You're my King.
Your life frees me to sing.
I will praise You all my days.
Perfect in all Your ways.

Hail Jesus You're my Lord.
I will obey Your Word.
Want to see Your kingdom come.
Not my will but Yours be done.

Glory glory to the Lamb.
You take me into the land.
We will conquer in Your name.
And proclaim that Jesus reigns.

Hail, hail, Lion of Judah.
How wonderful You are.
Hail, hail, Lion of Judah.
How wonderful You are.

Though this world may fall. Even if the sun no longer rises. Should the darkness conquered the light. You name will still be lifted high. The King of kings, the Lord of lord. No one shall ever compare, to the wonder of Your grace.

Though I have my plans. Though I have my dreams. But all I want is to walk in Your will. The always perfect and always prosperous plan by You.

I will believe in miracles because I believe in You.

Sec 3 Adventure Camp

Finally, the annual sec 3 adventure camp has come to an end. Praise God that it was tiring but fun and worthwhile. Spent most of my day at labrador park for amazing race on both monday and tuesday. It was hot but ideal for sun-tanning. I brought my sun tanning oil along. Hahaz. But my skin colour remained as it used to be. Didn't go home straight after the camp. Ms Lim brought few of us for lunch at the coffeeshop near the school. Her treat of course. Hahaz. But that was the most solemn lunch I ever had. Kiddin'.

Went to play bowling with Jon, Shao Wei, Claire and Michelle. Should I consider it fun? With many ended up in the drain. LOL.. you get me right? Perhaps I should give excuses like.. I was damn tired... But O well, that was the first time I bowled, what you expect?

Check out the MOE website this morning and realised that the results would be out on Monday. How should I feel? And how do you guys feel?

That day will eventually determine our future.

"Be still and know that I am God..." - Psalm 16:3

Perhaps we need assurance, perhaps we need faith. But all we actually need is the someone up there. I am a human too and of course, sometimes or in fact many times, I will worry about things. However, most of the time, when I commit them to God, He showed me miracles. So my fellow friends who are reading this entry, I urge that you would take this time to allow God to perform another miracle in your life. Tell Him all your worries and your fears and I am sure, that He will calm your heart and give you a peaceful mind.

Take all of me
All my fears
All my worries
I cast them to you

Guard my heart
Strengthen my faith
Teach me to worship
Just like what I did

Let me be sure
Of what I hope for
Let me be certain
Of what I do not see

Make me stumble not
Make me not fail
But fill me with trust
That will forever last

Keep my faith renewed
My heart on You
Let me wait in prayer
For an answer from You

Calm my heart
With Your presence
Secure my mind
With Your perfect plan

O God of wonders
And Lord of miracles
Here I call upon Your name
Come, watch over me

- Humphrey Tan

Just reached home about an hour ago. It was congested at the Causeway.

I visited GMSS on the 8th. Didn't really pay much attention to the concert but the teachers enjoyed themselves though. I guess. Had lunch at Singapore Post's KFC with the current secondary four prefects. Went home after that to pack my stuff before going to Malaysia.

The weather was humid. While travelling along the road in Malaysia, I saw few fire engines by the roadside putting off those bushes and trees that caught fire. Perhaps that could keep them busy since they had nothing to do at the fire stations. It was very crowded at the bus interchange and we managed to get a cab for 40% higher than normal fare. RM 80 to our door-step. Reached there at around 6.30pm.

Change my clothes for the reunion dinner. Had steamboat (every year, nothing special). I fell asleep at eleven plus but the fireworks woke me up an hour later. Well, I entered my dream again few minutes later.

Woke up at 12pm the next day and found out that the waitresses went on strike (leave I mean). What does that indicate? Well, I got to be the waiter for the day again. I got to WORK WORK WORK!!! It was quite busy that day and I had to do everything - taking orders, serving as well as the bills (with helps lah). Well, one of the waitresses came for dinner with her family on that day. She smiled at me but I ignored her (she's one year younger than me). Well, at least she was considerate. She cleared her own table after she finished her dinner. I know that's a little unreasonable - she was a customer on that day after all. Well, to fight for my own innocence, she only told me that yesterday. Due to my tiredness, I had an early night again. Did I say that the police came? Yes, they did. They came for angpow. Early in the afternoon, when the restaurant was busy. Dad asked them to come another day but they came in the late evening anyway.

CNY Day 2. I did not have to work like what I did. No more taking of orders, serving or clearing tables. Purely the billing parts. Aiyah, I am not so cruel la. I did help them a little. Well, the restaurant was not as busy as the first day. There were intervals in between.

CNY Day 3. Nothing different from the previous day. It's just that there were alot more customers. Well, the electricity of the whole town got cut off at 6.30pm but only resumed at around 10pm. To make the matter worst, our generator was problematic. It started and it dies. the customers had to have candle-light dinner - an early valentine's atmosphere. Dad called for some technicians to fix the generator just in case.

CNY Day 4. Due to the efficiency of the Malaysian Government, the electricity got cut-off again the next morning from 7am till 9am. Followed by another one at noon. This time round, the generator failed to start again. There was nothing we can do. Power came back an hour later, together with the revival of the generator. There was no customers in the evening and I have few rounds of card games with the workers. However, the sound of the closing of cars' doors marked the beginning of another battle.

We booked a mercedes taxi - those ancient type and without air-conditioner. Had to bear through the warm journey. It was really congested at the checkpoints and we spent nearly an hour waiting.

Not feeling well now. A little giddy. Will blog again some time later.

Today is indeed a fruitful day for me, although I did not step out of the house at all.

Woke up at 10.30am this morning with the greeting of my brother. No, he is not so polite. I was he who intentionally increased the volume of the television to wake me up. I was a little annoyed, but anyway, it's kinda late already. Therefore, he was spared. I eventually joined him in watching the kiddy drama showing on channel 8. Quite interesting yet boring, what else should I say? It serves to entertain kiddies and thus it has to be childish right?

Well, time to avenge. He is supposed to have his weekly spelling test tomorrow. And he didn't bother to even look at the words. You may think that he's smart and doesn't have to revise. Well, mather, brether. Can you figure out the two words? I was supposed to teach him but he refused to listen to me. Alright then, I started to pack my room (Part 2). When I walked out of my room to get some water, he was lying on the sofa, sleeping. Mum was in the middle of the living room sewing the sofa cases. Well, the cases we use are rare, not those common type. It's those chinese type, so, have to DIY. I wonder how my brother could sleep sp soundly with the noise. Watever... He woke up at 7pm anyway.

And guess what is he doing now? Walking around the house with the small note in his hand, murmuring the little words written on the little note. Serves he right! LOL.. Why am I so cruel eh? O Well, did I say that today was fruitful? Yes, indeed. I packed my room, wiped all the furnitures and tables of MY ROOM. Thanks to DETTOL. I am advertising now, hahaz... I swept the floor (of my room). Well, I rarely do housework. If not for the daily long-distance reminder from Dad, I wouldn't have done all those. Auntie and Mum used to do all those things. Well, as I've said, there will be changes in my life. So, may this be one of them.

Tomorrow is my 17th birth anniversary. However, I don't seem to look forward to it. Perhaps it's because I think that no one would remember. I did not hear people talking about it. My two aunties used to celebrate with me. However, I did not hear anything from them. O well, maybe they've forgotten. Whatever, my birthday is no big deal.

It's Bin Hua's birthday today! Happy Birthday!

Yes, actions do speak louder than words. I will prove it to you.

I do not know what is happening again. I was feeling upset and down for the whole day. Just having the thought the feeling that something is not right and something must be done. However, I do not know that whether is it that I am over-suspicious or perhaps something is really happening.

Life, some people say that it's just a game. And everything is determined by how you play it. Some people say that it's a journey, when you pursue what you want, till the end of it. Perhaps, life is about living it for yourself, and not letting others to teach you how to. Life, is a journey of choices and decisions. Life, is something that belongs to the person and that he should live it abundantly and having no regrets in the end. And what's my definition of life?

My past definition of life was that it is a journey which will end at an unknown day. It was about living happily and peacefully. It was about passing days without worries and troubles. I just wanted to be like the rest - to be normal. In order to do that, I follow what others do. I never had my own opinion on anything. I would just imitate their every action, what they speak and what they do. I did not once thought of the reason behind, but I just copied them blindly.

In the other aspect, my decision is easily shaken and I seldom have a definite answer to anything. If someone were to ask me the question about sufficiency (e.g have you done enough?), I would only reply with the international recognised term "I don't know." Perhaps it's about fear and the kiasu attitude. I would never think that anything is enough. However, on the other hand, I would feel that it's alright. This contradictory in me often cause me to give up on things and "I don't know." has become so widely used by me that I'd usually use that as an excuse to avoid making any firm decision. Perhaps that's the main problem within me.

I am no longer young. Turning seventeen this year. I can already be considered as a grown-up man. And I shouldn't be allowing my surrounding to control my life anymore. Making own stand and convincing myself of all things are what I should be doing. I should live my own way, do as my heart desires - as God's heart too.

Well, bought a shirt at peninsula for 44 bucks. It's 15 bucks cheaper than getting it from the adidas retail store. (No, not by influence of others this time. Everyone buys new clothes for CNY rite?)

Everything started with this morning.

Perhaps you might laugh at the following. But it's really great to make any decision that you don't usually make.

My phone rang as usual this morning. Eugene called to ask me to visit GM. I asked why and he told me that it's because Jonathan would be going too. Well, that reminded me of yesterday. No, this time round, I am going to be different. I told myself that there is clearly no apparent reasons why I should visit the school. Moreover, I would probably be going back on the 8th, which is just a few days from now. Therefore, I did not follow. Perhaps I could do something constructive elsewhere - but I didn't.

Alright, I know that I seem childish and a little gone case now, but I really can't use another way to express it.

Well, I took this afternoon to pack my room. Sorted things out and managed to clear away about ten kilograms of notes and unwanted books. And the rag-and-bone man aka. karang-guni came just in time. Mum got some really old vcd players and a video tape player out of the storeroom. Well, Mum offered him all those things including a pile of newspaper without anything in return. However, that man refused. He insisted on paying us. Well, that's even better right? Got rid of all those things for $10 in return. But the money went to Mum anyway. Well, my auntie (Dad's sis) came back from Malaysia today, with the money that Dad sent for me to buy my shirt. Sheesh! Better not let Mum know... otherwise she would nag nag nag at Dad. Well, for the peacefulness of Dad and for my own benefit.

By the way, gues what? I had my Quiet Time today, after a long long time. Hope that this would really mark a change in me. And hope that this goes on and on till forever. I really do not want to be drifted away from God anymore. I need Him in my life - all the time.

However, there is one more thing that I hope to make a prayer request. That is hoping that God would guard my faith and make it strong and burn more hotly than before. And that He would hold me up so that I would be able to make a stand for Him by professing that I am a Christian to everyone - all my friends, relatives and family.

So, do pray for me alright? Thanks!

I was told that I am indecisive. I am doing things for the sake of others and I do what others do and do not have my own stand, my own opinion. I never once did something on my own accord. Is that really so? I guessed.

I was constantly telling others to do things that they think are right or they think they should do. I told them that it's alright to be different from the people around them - even close friends. I sounded quite convincing before them. However, I had never once reflected on this area of my life. And today, I was prompted about this again.

I remember that during one of the days in Melbourne, Chun Xiong asked me a question which I thought weird and didn't ponder much on it. He asked something like this, "Are you consistently trying to change yourself or take up any habit just to blend into the group of ____ & ____?" Initially, I was wondering why did he suddenly ask me this kind of question. Well, I simply answered a "No." without much thoughts.

And today, I was told that I do what others do and I have no personal stand at all. Is there really something not right within me? Yes. I have to admit it now.

In the past, I did have short reflections about this - but I would usually forget them. I asked myself, "If my current friends (those I am close to) did not become my friends, what would I be today? Would this be my attire when going out? Would I pursue branded clothings, socks, shoes or simply anything? I questioned myself whether I've made the right friends. But I'd drop that subject almost as soon as I brought it up.

I was not like this in the past. Branded or non-branded stuffs did not matter to me as much as today. Having lunch or dinner at Swensen's or any other restaurants was never once my dream at all. Having tea break or sitting at the cafe till it's closed was never once something that I've thought of. However, sadly speaking, I am doing them.

I can't blame anyone of them for that. It's because it's me who chose to be influenced by their actions, their styles. I allowed myself to fall into those temptations and even allowed myself to stay there. I put in little effort to change myself. Soon, I developed the attitude of living for others. I realised that I couldn't live without friends. And I find myself doing things because they are doing it. They made almost every decision when going out. I did not make any effort to say a word.

99% of the time when they asked me out, I would go without much or any considerations. And I've adapted to this kind of lifestyle. I thought that this is normal. I thought that this means that I've grown up - I have my own social life. However, I was wrong to make that statement or conclusion. It's not that I've grown up. It's because that I've developed the attitude of a follower. I have set my priorities incorrectly.

When doing other things such as voluntary work, although I really do have the passion and desire to contribute and to offer my help, I can't get myself to go alone. I would first try my very best to persuade my friends to go with me. And during the times when they refused to go, I would take extra time to consider whether to go - alone. Eventually, I would not go.

I understand that this should not be the desired attitude. Volunteerism, simply, is the giving of your time, of your own free will, to a good cause without expectation of financial reward. If you were to allow me to choose whether to work for money, or to volunteer myself, I would tell you that I would rather do voluntary work. However, when comes to situation when no one is going with me, I would eventually feel reluctant to go.

Perhaps it's now the time for me to change my attitude towards these things. Perhaps I should really try to live for myself and do everything for myself - because this is my life after all. Furthermore, I should also make my own decisions that concern my life, and not let myself be affected by others.

This means that I am going to be different from others. I might not be able to blend with the people I am with anymore. However, I would be living this life to the fullest and will have no regrets in the end of the day. Friends, if we really are, no matter what I do or what decisions that I made, they would still be my friends. Perhaps stepping out to see the world would allow me to have a wider view of life and would allow me to have a larger circle of so-called "friends". Friends that are regardless of background, regardless of language, regardless of physical appearance and regardless of anything.

Amie >> Thanks for the scoldings that have led me reflect. Yes, you are right! It's time for me to make my own decisions about my life - because it's my life. =)

Where might you be going this fine day, my friend?
Off a long and aimless road that soon must end,
Chasing an illusive dream that shines so fair,
But when found, isn't there.

I can understand your weary sigh, my friend;
There, but for the grace of God go I, my friend.
Come and let Him lead you to your jouney's end,
Oh, come along and walk with Him

If without the grace of God your life should end
And before the face of God you'd stand, my friend.
What would your illusive dream avail you then,
So, come along and walk with Him.
Lyrics of The Illusive Dream

If anyone of you bothered to read my yesterday's entry, which I've already deleted, I would like to say something about that. I have decided, that I am not going to let any similar issues affect me. It's simply not worth it at all. Furthermore, if the Lord were to handle such stuff, He would definitely not react the way I did. He would choose to forgive and even bless them. Thus, people around me can be really unreasonable, but I will not be alike. So what if others were to fail me again and again? A God who never fails His children is suffice. I don't need any assurance from mankind. I don't need any promises to be made by mankind - they will be broken. I have God, what else do I need? Nothing.

Let's drop that subject. I'd probably going for the Mother Tongue Teacher Training Seminar. With who? Well, I still do not know. Ying Ru is going and I might go with her. Amie is still not sure but she will confirm with me tonight. And my cousin, well, uncle told me that she's probably going but he asked me to call her tonight. Well, perhaps I too can only confirm tonight. See, my future is so unpredictable.

If you guys are wondering... Yes, my ambition is still a social worker. But why did I suddenly develop an interest to teach? Well, teaching is my alternative. My main purpose is just to touch lives. The lives of people and through them, I could bring more lost souls to Christ. And well, you might be thinking, how come I choose to teach instead. It's simple yet complicated. I felt a calling from God. Through some things that happened. The things and people I encountered. They were just too convincing that they were messages and callings from God. You can say that I may not be sure. But let me explain, if it's really God's calling for you, you would really feel it. Because the feeling is so different, so real yet unbelievable.

So, do pray for me k? =)