Hello blog i just remembered you existed
Dear world,
Life has been well, all's well in Edinburgh, except for the fact we still do not have a wonderful flat for next year and that exams are coming and i haven't entered hyper-mugging mode. Life at home is well too. The family is all well, mom's been doing slight remodelling at home, dad and sis work, little sis goes to court to do homework. When life becomes less eventful, you have time to sink back, watch things go by and just think.
I was just thinking about things in the toilet. Its my little place for retrointroeverythingo-specting about life. Maybe it was the deep philosophical conversations i've been having with my flatmates or the wonderful refreshing PCCF retreat at Kinross, or my archived email correspondence with an SAF recruitment officer i happened to come across.
I don't think i've changed much, character-wise, morals-wise. But i do believe my goals and life-perspectives have changed. I used to sink into computer games, sometimes days on end. It was fun, i enjoyed throwing stuff, shooting stuff, building stuff or shuffling stuff around in that little electronic box. Still do, but not as committed i guess. But now i've got over 2gb of computer games tucked away somewhere and a nice rig which can run them but i just haven't really been bothered to commit myself to installing them. I think i'm losing my emotions. I still love my parents and someone yes hmph. But those feelings just seem so elusive and hard to pin down when they wash over me as briefly as they do nowadays.
I've had 3 textbooks open in front of me for the past 4 hours, since i cooked a chop chop dinner with my flatmate's help, and exams are in less than a month. But i'm still procrastinating. I guess i'm not really at panic station right now. Complacency i guess. It was bound to happen when i got my pretty impressive result in the first semester with pretty impressive kind of studying.
I was just thinking how different my life would be if i had joined the SAF. I had the chance to sign away my life three times. Once as a pilot, once as a intel officer and once as an air engineerng officer but at that time i wasn't pretty sure about anything and maybe its good i didn't sign my life away that soon. I have vasts interests. I love how the numbers and corporations move about the financial world like a giant computer game. I love engineering and i love music. I guess i went into medicine because i want to help others. I used to be such an idealist. I despised bankers and accountants and stuff because they only contributed to their own selfish causes of making money, or so i thought. But now and then who doesn't want to fly business class, jetsetting around the world overflowing with money that will buy you endless luxuries. Now i comfort myself with the fact that if i graduate, if i do, i get to wear fur-trimmed robes. It used to be about helping the sick and stuff, but now i'm not so sure.
I came upon this nice discovery a few months ago that ALL moral dilemmas in life can be differentiated into two paths: the Kantian, deontological path and the consequentialist path. The moral path and the end-product path. Its the same about life. Do you want to live a right life or a good life? Then again right and good are also determined by yourself. Only YOU can define your right or good life, so there isn't much point to it is there? The only way is to follow God's path for you in His lifeplan. But think about it, back to moral dilemmas, say stealing food, or exams, its always whether you want a good end result or a good ending where you can look back at the process and be happy.
I used to be a really happy-go-lucky person, what will be what will be kind of person. But now, its more ashes-to-ashes, dust-to-dust kind. I have lost my idealistic view of life and that is sad, but i guess sooner or later we all come into touch with our pragmatic sides. I used to think about how i can go to a third world neighbourhood and help the poor and unfortunate. But now i can hardly care less. I guess my life experiences with the other spectrum of society through army or through going around europe has shown me misfortune and poverty much closer to home and that has taken off my rose-tinted glasses. I used to think a little injection of funds and compassion or my little time here and there would touch individual lives. Then i used to think we should help solve the root of the problems. But after seeing the little things wrong in society and speaking to those who have fallen through the cracks of society, i have come to recognise the insignificance of the individual in the larger scope of shit. The world is just imploding, like a ship, sinking and drowning within itself. Any hole you plug just uncovers another. Recognition of this screwed up world has really changed my perspectives of things. Maybe it has brought me closer to God? I have held on to my faith and recognised Christ for who he is for more than 10 years now. It used to be about love and compassion and gratitude, it still is about the aforementioned. But now, more than before, it also provides hope that there is something at the end of it all. Some comfort that there is somewhere to retreat from all the crap. Answering a question from secondary school English class, religion CAN BE (not "is") a crutch for the weak-minded.
Job 1:21: And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
I have really grown more spiritually here in Edinburgh, maybe because church is nearer :D and there isn't really much else to do. Maybe that's one of the reasons why God brought me here. Then again, relgion should not be logical. His ways are above ours, his thoughts above our thoughts. Why do we question the word when we can't do anything about it. I love the analogy of the three guys on a plane; i can't remember the original and i believe i have embellished it with my own touch but I will share it:
There is a plane shaking about in the air. There are three guys strapped down to their seats. The plane tilts left, 5 people are crushed to death. The plane tilts right, 8 people fall out. So these three guys are strapped to their seats. Two are scared to death, one guy is struggling to eat his on-board meal and watch the in-flight entertainment even with the crap going on all around him. There is someone passing a note around. The note reads:" plane taken over by terrorists, will turn off lights and slow plane down, put on parachute under chair and jump." The first guy gets the note, obediently he puts on the parachute. The second guy reads the note, agrees with it and passes it on to the next guy. The guy glances from his television screen and with his mouth stuffed says,"The grammar is all wrong, don't be silly." Then he goes back to inflight entertainment.
Well here, the first guy is a faithful Christian. His decision is based on faith and trust, and recognition that all is screwed up. The second guy is the Christian who does not take action, it also can be the guy who does not believe in salvation. The third guy is the Atheist, focusing on inconsequential logic or the material before him. Which can also bring in the story about the false riches of the material world, see luke something, "what good is it if a man gains the whole world but forfeits his soul" or soemthing like that. Or zacchaeus or the rich man and lazarus story. Maybe the material distracts us from God and the poor are more able to focus on God. It can also show that not everyone gets the note if we do not pass it around and that some people are bound to be left out. As Ji pointed out, it is a flawed story, But its based on our dimensions and God's plan is not bound by time or space. Life is quite comfortable, we do not have demons running about biting everyone's heads off in the world. There aren't other notes being passed around etc. I like to think that there is an alternate dimension where all christians are non-christians and all those who do not believe, believe, so in the end, its all a happy ending. Which i'm pretty sure it will be because what is heaven if it isn't a perfect ending.
(Wow blogging is hard. I guess its cos i don't think linearly, as how language flows. My thoughts just branch out, jump about and run parallel around my little lump of flesh in my skull.)
Life has been well, all's well in Edinburgh, except for the fact we still do not have a wonderful flat for next year and that exams are coming and i haven't entered hyper-mugging mode. Life at home is well too. The family is all well, mom's been doing slight remodelling at home, dad and sis work, little sis goes to court to do homework. When life becomes less eventful, you have time to sink back, watch things go by and just think.
I was just thinking about things in the toilet. Its my little place for retrointroeverythingo-specting about life. Maybe it was the deep philosophical conversations i've been having with my flatmates or the wonderful refreshing PCCF retreat at Kinross, or my archived email correspondence with an SAF recruitment officer i happened to come across.
I don't think i've changed much, character-wise, morals-wise. But i do believe my goals and life-perspectives have changed. I used to sink into computer games, sometimes days on end. It was fun, i enjoyed throwing stuff, shooting stuff, building stuff or shuffling stuff around in that little electronic box. Still do, but not as committed i guess. But now i've got over 2gb of computer games tucked away somewhere and a nice rig which can run them but i just haven't really been bothered to commit myself to installing them. I think i'm losing my emotions. I still love my parents and someone yes hmph. But those feelings just seem so elusive and hard to pin down when they wash over me as briefly as they do nowadays.
I've had 3 textbooks open in front of me for the past 4 hours, since i cooked a chop chop dinner with my flatmate's help, and exams are in less than a month. But i'm still procrastinating. I guess i'm not really at panic station right now. Complacency i guess. It was bound to happen when i got my pretty impressive result in the first semester with pretty impressive kind of studying.
I was just thinking how different my life would be if i had joined the SAF. I had the chance to sign away my life three times. Once as a pilot, once as a intel officer and once as an air engineerng officer but at that time i wasn't pretty sure about anything and maybe its good i didn't sign my life away that soon. I have vasts interests. I love how the numbers and corporations move about the financial world like a giant computer game. I love engineering and i love music. I guess i went into medicine because i want to help others. I used to be such an idealist. I despised bankers and accountants and stuff because they only contributed to their own selfish causes of making money, or so i thought. But now and then who doesn't want to fly business class, jetsetting around the world overflowing with money that will buy you endless luxuries. Now i comfort myself with the fact that if i graduate, if i do, i get to wear fur-trimmed robes. It used to be about helping the sick and stuff, but now i'm not so sure.
I came upon this nice discovery a few months ago that ALL moral dilemmas in life can be differentiated into two paths: the Kantian, deontological path and the consequentialist path. The moral path and the end-product path. Its the same about life. Do you want to live a right life or a good life? Then again right and good are also determined by yourself. Only YOU can define your right or good life, so there isn't much point to it is there? The only way is to follow God's path for you in His lifeplan. But think about it, back to moral dilemmas, say stealing food, or exams, its always whether you want a good end result or a good ending where you can look back at the process and be happy.
I used to be a really happy-go-lucky person, what will be what will be kind of person. But now, its more ashes-to-ashes, dust-to-dust kind. I have lost my idealistic view of life and that is sad, but i guess sooner or later we all come into touch with our pragmatic sides. I used to think about how i can go to a third world neighbourhood and help the poor and unfortunate. But now i can hardly care less. I guess my life experiences with the other spectrum of society through army or through going around europe has shown me misfortune and poverty much closer to home and that has taken off my rose-tinted glasses. I used to think a little injection of funds and compassion or my little time here and there would touch individual lives. Then i used to think we should help solve the root of the problems. But after seeing the little things wrong in society and speaking to those who have fallen through the cracks of society, i have come to recognise the insignificance of the individual in the larger scope of shit. The world is just imploding, like a ship, sinking and drowning within itself. Any hole you plug just uncovers another. Recognition of this screwed up world has really changed my perspectives of things. Maybe it has brought me closer to God? I have held on to my faith and recognised Christ for who he is for more than 10 years now. It used to be about love and compassion and gratitude, it still is about the aforementioned. But now, more than before, it also provides hope that there is something at the end of it all. Some comfort that there is somewhere to retreat from all the crap. Answering a question from secondary school English class, religion CAN BE (not "is") a crutch for the weak-minded.
Job 1:21: And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
I have really grown more spiritually here in Edinburgh, maybe because church is nearer :D and there isn't really much else to do. Maybe that's one of the reasons why God brought me here. Then again, relgion should not be logical. His ways are above ours, his thoughts above our thoughts. Why do we question the word when we can't do anything about it. I love the analogy of the three guys on a plane; i can't remember the original and i believe i have embellished it with my own touch but I will share it:
There is a plane shaking about in the air. There are three guys strapped down to their seats. The plane tilts left, 5 people are crushed to death. The plane tilts right, 8 people fall out. So these three guys are strapped to their seats. Two are scared to death, one guy is struggling to eat his on-board meal and watch the in-flight entertainment even with the crap going on all around him. There is someone passing a note around. The note reads:" plane taken over by terrorists, will turn off lights and slow plane down, put on parachute under chair and jump." The first guy gets the note, obediently he puts on the parachute. The second guy reads the note, agrees with it and passes it on to the next guy. The guy glances from his television screen and with his mouth stuffed says,"The grammar is all wrong, don't be silly." Then he goes back to inflight entertainment.
Well here, the first guy is a faithful Christian. His decision is based on faith and trust, and recognition that all is screwed up. The second guy is the Christian who does not take action, it also can be the guy who does not believe in salvation. The third guy is the Atheist, focusing on inconsequential logic or the material before him. Which can also bring in the story about the false riches of the material world, see luke something, "what good is it if a man gains the whole world but forfeits his soul" or soemthing like that. Or zacchaeus or the rich man and lazarus story. Maybe the material distracts us from God and the poor are more able to focus on God. It can also show that not everyone gets the note if we do not pass it around and that some people are bound to be left out. As Ji pointed out, it is a flawed story, But its based on our dimensions and God's plan is not bound by time or space. Life is quite comfortable, we do not have demons running about biting everyone's heads off in the world. There aren't other notes being passed around etc. I like to think that there is an alternate dimension where all christians are non-christians and all those who do not believe, believe, so in the end, its all a happy ending. Which i'm pretty sure it will be because what is heaven if it isn't a perfect ending.
(Wow blogging is hard. I guess its cos i don't think linearly, as how language flows. My thoughts just branch out, jump about and run parallel around my little lump of flesh in my skull.)
posted by me at 7:12 AM
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