I gained it by eating...

Someone gave me some dates which Muslims ate before breaking fast.

They were ripe and crushed. And covered with some caramelly stuff. The dates were not too sweet and they were simply delectable and gorgeous.

I had so much joy eating it.

Then I was told this was from a royal farm in the middle east where, apparently, the royals ate such dates when they broke fast.

OMG!

I think I have earned the "Royal" part of my moniker His Royal Highnes The Supreme Bitch. At last!

What happened?

Al asked,

"Tef! The place looks different, somehow! What happened?"

Er... is it because it had been too long since you've last visited? The reason for the looks was because I messed up my old template and lost it.

The content of the posts have gone all haywire, like my mind. Ok, not exactly my mind but I've allowed myself to have brain diarrhoea here. I'm offloading the mixed-up misfiring neurons on my blog so that I don't go (even more) neurotic.

So there, that's what happened.

The truth is in the details

I think Ron got it very very right here. I quote wholesale from his blog:

"I am now about to annihilate another old Bull---t cliche. The Devil is not in the details.

"The Devil hates details and he likes the ambiguity of generalities. It gives Satan plenty of room to maneuver and pull his lying @$$ s--t.

"No......the TRUTH is in the details. This is where things add up or don't. The place where the lies stand out like broken records.

"That is why I spend so much time examining everything I can down to the molecular level even trying to understand what the truth really is.

"That is why laws should be very simple straight forward and easy to understand like as in thou shall not. The more wordy a law gets the easier it is for the Devil to manipulate the situation.

"The rest should be left up to the people to decide what is the truth and to accept or reject what people say and do or to patronize or not patronize."

The problem with a holiday is...

it ends.

How I wish there is a holiday that doesn't end.

The paradise in my mind...

I thought I would have no problems at all espousing what the paradise would be.

Before I started writing this, I had fragments of this paradise: tonnes of self-renewing money, idyllic days by the beach, me liposuctioned and body sculpted, tanned, blemish-free skin, blond coloured hair, deck chair under a parasol by the sea with the waves lapping near my feet, behind me - a thousand suite eco-hotel offering incredible spa treatments nestled among the trees and the cliffs and fronting the sea, a private landing strip for special charters, nature and astrological observatories - my property, butlers and servants in full serviced suites...

But then my paradise might not be another person's paradise. For why would the poor butler need to suffer me or work for me? Perhaps in his paradise, I'm the useless fat oaf working for and being abused by him. And what sin to own a hotel of that magnitude and imagine that I am protecting nature when I am just a bloody sucker who extracts every last remaining iota of life out of the lands through my action. Yeah. Think about it, where would the mud from the mud spa go? Where would the aromatherapy oils flow to? How will the fishes in the sea live? Would my marigolds give out ylang ylang scent eventually? Why are my dogs so tired? Perhaps it too much lavender...

So paradise is a relative concept. And I must redefine paradise without needing to encroach on others. After all, Gandhi said, "There is enough for everyone's need but not enough for everyone's greed." I must not be greedy. So perhaps I should refine my description of my paradise.

Perhaps a self-generating, self-renewing income without me having to do any work would be a great start. I know money is the root of all evil. And many of you are hoping to go to heaven right? Ok, I can go to hell. I think I'm already there. You can make me a permanent fixture there. Give me all your money. Without money to hinder you, you can be heaven bound! No? Ok, too bad. Hope to see you soon, neighbour!

A constant income stream without work would give me lots of time to do what I really like. For instance, I'll buy land and build a thosand suite eco-hotel in some pristine jungle in the Amazon where there is a small sliver of beach by the side and I'll build a private landing strip, offer spa services and employ butlers to provide full services. And I'll go for my liposuction and body sculpting and colour my hair blond... Why does this look so familiar?

Maybe I could pay the butlers more than the usual market rate. Perhaps they wouldn't mind working for me. Perhaps I'll fly my guests in on specially ordered Airbus 380 and Boeing 787 aircraft since they promise to harm the environment more. Perhaps I'll plant more trees in Africa for the damage I'm causing here. I'll build an independent cess pool to drain off the unsavoury after products of the spa treatment so I do not harm the surroundings. I'll just go to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and pour everything down the universal rubbish dump.

Looks like this plan is more viable now, isn't it? By paying people more, I keep them happy and when they are happy, there are less likely to kill me although I am just a leech of the world. I'll be a proud owner of A380 and B787 aircraft. I have my own airports. And while doing all these, I have remained true to my pledge to stay green.

I know, I know. I am just cheating myself. There is no surprise. But I am just enjoying this paradise in my mind, a paradise where people constantly kid themselves through self-glorification, self-gratification and self-justification. Don't tell me you are even going to deprive me of some plain clean fun?

I broke a g-string while fingering a minor

Well, the g-string was already quite old and the action was on the hard side. The fingering speed also had to be fast.

Ok, to be honest, I've procrastinated in getting a new g-string since the old one held up pretty nicely. It withstood the rigours when I fingered other minors. Perhaps it is the nature of this minor, when it had to be fingered with enough oomph and speed to keep going.

I pressed it hard of course and kept it from sliding out. It was an awkward position to be in, especially perched on top of a chair with one foot to the ground.

It was very embarrassing as I had nearly come to the climax when the g-string broke and I had to stop and apologise. It was not a pretty sight or sound but fortunately, there was little protest. Accidents like these occur.

Having the g-string break on my guitar when I was fingering the minor chord at the climax of the musical piece was probably the worst moment of my performing career.

What were you thinking?

Media Bloopers

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline)

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New Haven, Connecticut Register)

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The Houston Chronicle)

Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] (The New Haven, Connecticut Register)

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands (Bangor Maine News)

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times)

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal (The Bosnia Bugle)

Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow (Newsday)

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax (San Antonio Times)

Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free (Chicago Daily News)

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders (The Miami Herald)

Source: http://humormatters.com/newspaper.htm

Despot 101 - Media Management

A smirking Ahmadinejad suckers the U.S. media

By Jon Friedman, MarketWatch
Last Update: 12:01 AM ET Sep 26, 2007

NEW YORK (MarketWatch) -- Politicians, pundits, journalists, diplomats, talk-show bookers, historians and social scientists all paid rapt attention to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to the U.S. this week. I suspect some shrewd crisis-management experts were watching the proceedings, too.

The despot gave an enlightening lesson in how to manage the U.S. media: Be vague. Obfuscate. Smile mindlessly -- a lot. Be friendly. Nod wisely instead of speaking foolishly. Say absolutely nothing threatening or menacing. Turn their image of you on its head. And, for God's sake, man, say nothing of substance.

Maybe, instead, the lesson was how to sucker the U.S. media. The man played us for suckers -- just like any PR-hungry celebrity who spins reporters and editors. The bottom line was that he knew more about how the American media works than they knew about him.

Revealing nothing

Whether he was being interviewed or delivering a controversial speech at Columbia University, the Iranian leader revealed nothing about his widely rumored plans to build and eventually launch nuclear weapons, his alleged blueprint for peace in the Middle East or his hatred for America and Western democracy.

Oh, all was not lost, though. The tyrant sort of/kind of/in a way allowed that the Holocaust might have taken place, after all. But in one of his few concrete statements of the week, he asserted that, of course, the world should do more research before confirming that the Holocaust indeed happened.

Mostly, he smirked cryptically.

Don't Break The Magic!

How often do you make plans for an anticipated "lull" period only to be entirely thrown off-guard?

That happened to me. I was thinking of catching up with some backlog but suddenly, I was inundated with work that are way beyond my payscale.

And yet, people were going, "It's so quiet today. The bosses are not around..."

Hey! It is not quiet for me. Come to my theatre of war of a cubicle!

I think I've just managed to take a deep breath now.

And don't you go break the magic!

The curse of Good Food

A moment on your lips, a lifetime on your hips!

Indulge!

The Invisible Guiding Hand

Most bloggers leave gems in their entries. However, they did not know they had left those precious gems there until when they return to them again one fine day and realise what treasure they have buried in this virtual garden.

I had posted a little entry a couple of days ago "I didn't mean the police" and this led T. F. Stern to recall an entry he had written in Dec 05 called Call If You Need Help. He did not know where the story came from but it sure is a good story!

Thank you, T. F.

Do you think I hate you enough...?

Couldn't help but did some reflection after reading Quinsy's rant about her Heat & Mass Transfer teacher who probably had enough "somethings" against her and decided to fail her when she took a second module he taught.

Hm...

I couldn't help but remember the kids that I really really hated when I was still teaching. I still remember them (and their parents) but did I actually go out to fail them?

To be honest. No. Not a single chance, not a single one, not even a single thought devoted to that.

At least for me.

I get no benefits, no joy, no rewards, no satisfaction whatsoever from flunking students. I want them to move on and torture someone else! Why would I need to do something that evil, just in case I am condemned to teaching the class that kiddo is stuck in the year after? OMG!

But to be fair, I have a confession to make.

My tests always require sound fundamentals and if anyone tries to cheat, they would invariably fall flat. So students self-destruct because they would not bother to get their basics right.

Some learn, others don't.

Still, I have enough "blood" on my hands... :)

Bye bye Jose Mourinho!

Well, well, well. Enough said.

I wait with bated breath to see Chelsea self-destruct next.

Let it be soon!

I didn't mean the POLICE!

You have to see this!

Another Numbers Quiz

1. What is the two second rule?

A. If you place your hand under an automatic hand dryer, the time taken for warm air to be blown at your hand is about two seconds.
B. If you approach a junction with traffic lights, the minimum time that the amber light must show before it turns red is about two seconds.
C. If you are on a dry, clear road and you reach the same fixed point before you have counted to two seconds, then you are too close and need to drop further back
D. If you are on a landing aircraft, the time between the rear wheels and the front wheels touching the tarmac is about two seconds.

2. What is the three second rule?

A. In soccer, the three second rules requires a player who has dribbed the ball into the opponent's penalty box to take a shot in no more than three seconds.
B. In tennis, the serving player must hit the ball within three seconds of tossing it up in the air.
C. In basketball, the three-second rule prohibits offensive players from remaining in their opponents' restricted area for longer than three seconds.
D. In the planes, the time lapse between the dropping of the oxygen masks and the delivery of oxygen is at least three seconds.

3. What is the four second rule?

A. In snooker, the time between adopting cue position and hitting the cue ball must be within four seconds.
B. In biology, most plants deliver sap to heal the wound caused by the removal of a healthy leaf in about four seconds.
C. In running, most runners' paces per every 400 meters will increase by about four seconds as they move up from one "classic" race distance to the next (e.g. from 800 m to 1500m).
D. In Olympic 10 m freestyle platform diving, the time between the diver leaping off the platform and entering the water is about four seconds.

4. What is the five second rule?

A. If the guy withdraws before he can count to five, the woman will not get pregnant.
B. If you approach a junction with traffic lights, the minimum time that elapses for the transition of the green to the red lights is about five seconds.
C. If you pick up a dropped piece of food, it is all right to eat it if it is on the floor for five seconds or less.
D. If you subject the AIDS virus to pure oxygen and you count to five, the AIDS virus will be dead.

5. What is the six second rule?

A. In basketball, the umpire gets to throw the ball back in play if the same team in possession of the ball is unable to make a scoring attempt within six seconds.
B. In waterpolo, the umpire gets to throw the ball back in play if the same team in possession of the ball is unable to make a scoring attempt within six seconds.
C. In soccer, goalkeepers must release the ball within six seconds to avoid a violation.
D. In soccer, players making a free throw must relase the ball within six seconds or the other team gains possession.

6. What is the ten second rule?

A. On a cruise liner, the time between the final whistle and the move off must be within ten seconds.
B. On an aircraft, the time between the front wheel and the rear wheels lifting off the tarmac is about ten seconds.
C. In basketball, the team, having gained control of the ball in its own backcourt, must bring it across the centre line within ten seconds to avoid a violation.
D. In basketball, each time a time-out is called, the total duration of play is extended by ten seconds.

It didn't work!

I had a scoop each of chocolate and strawberry ice-cream.

I'm still cranky.

I need my raspberry ice-cream bad...

Who are you to decide what concerto I play...

A truly enlightened society has the responsibility to have laws to protect those who are not capable of protecting themselves.

However, when they come of age to make informed decisions, individuals have the right to decide what they want to do, so long as it is legitimate and does not harm other people.

Paedophiles and sexual predators are to be punished. Because young children and innocent prey are not able to protect themselves.

If, for example, I decide to have a fling with Miss Pretty Woman, what is the government to care? Since time immemorial, prostitution had always been there. Just visit the Pompeii ruins. Read up on the harlems that the Emperors and rulers used to to keep. The sex trade is probably as old as any other trade in the world. So why should prostitution be illegal?

If you need to legalise, license the prostitutes. Maybe this way.

"Hi, I am Anita Blowercort. I want to apply for the P-license."

"Age, height, weight, identification papers."

"There you are."

"Ok. Wait for your medical check up."

After medical check up.

"Miss Blowercort, you are clean. I need to you go to meet a counsellor before you can get your license."

Or "Miss Blowercort, you have syphillis. I need to refer you to the Communicable Disease Centre for more treatment."

This is how you regulate!

Ok, this may be overly simplified. But there are other ways to keep the population in check. Just like how we intend to tackle the gambling problem before we even open our casino doors. For instance,

"Hello, can I speak with Mrs Normus?"

"Yes, Mrs Normus. Your husband, Mr E. Normus wants to engage the services of Miss Anita Blowercort. Are you aware?"

OR

"Hello Mr Normus, can I see the permission slip that your wife has given to you?"

OR

"Mr Normus, you have been banned from all s-organ pubs in Singapore. Please do not come here again or I will need to call the police."

What's the big deal? Do you think there aren't the underground ones? Of course there will be, if not already are. And aren't there now?

With the new laws, we are now letting straight couples do more stunts. But why, oh why, are we letting the Penal Code - a document enacted in 1871 - rule our bedroom lives?

So long as both men do it knowingly and without coercion, what is the big deal? Why hang that large cloud of doubt over their heads?

Who are you to decide what concerto I play with my sex organ?

Aw... C'mon!

The Straits Times (Sep 18 2007)
Home, H11

Male homosexual sex to remain a crime (An excerpt)

The public has spoken: Homosexual sex will remain a crime in Singapore.

The government has decided to retain Section 377A of the Penal Code which makes it an offence for any male to "commit an act of gross indecency" with another male, either in public or private.

The public feedback on the issue had been "emotional, divided and strongly expressed", with the majority of them calling for the section to be retained.

The status quo was arrived at after "looking at the interests of the community as a whole" but the police would not actively prosecute people under that section.

* * *

It just brings back yet another episode (among numerous) when the government did not yield to the public's outcry. Despite the public outcry against raising public transportation prices, the price increase went ahead.

So it looks like what one of the Nominated Members of Parliament said was set to be prophetic.

* * *

The move to retain homosexuality as a crime was a "pity" and a "lost opportunity". It "shows up Singapore as being behind the rest of the world."

As even Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew also noted that homosexuals are "mostly born that way" and that "no public purpose is served in interfering in their private lives", the NMP asked, "Do we need to wait another 23 years for homosexual sex to be decriminalised?"

* * *

I applaud the NMP's efforts but I think 23 years is very conservative. Unless the pink sector really shows what they feel, change may not even come in this lifetime!

The Letter

This is a letter from a sardarji mother to her son at school.

Pyaarey Puttar,

Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last sardar who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or uncle!

Your uncle Jatindar fell into a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for 3 days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back, the driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety, the other 2 friends drowned because they couldn't get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,

MOM

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.



This is the replying letter from the same Sardar son


Sasriakal Bebe,

Thanks for writing that letter slowly. My reading is improving day by day as the makhan you sent me is having its effect. Regarding our address, I am sending this letter at new address, which you have put up in the letterbox recently. I saw it and wrote it down when cycling from school. I really miss home and wonder how our new house would look like. Tell Papaji that I like houses with floor and ceiling and the new one should have one.

How come all the washing machines are having the same problems. I also wanted to wash a few clothes and after pulling the chain, I did not see them either. To my horror, the school warden scolded me and accused me of causing the sewage system to overflow. I wonder how they clean their clothes. I followed your advice to wear one pair and wash the other so now I wash one pair and wear another pair, but how come one is so clean and the other is always so dirty. Please help me to clear this mystery.

The coat you sent me was nice. You should have even cut off the sleeves along with the buttons in order to make the package smaller. Papaji has become a big man, so many men under him. I also want to become like him, but would like to first work under him to gain experience. Tell dear sister I want become an Aunt.

I had my school exams yesterday. I was so confused. It said "write an essay on My Favorite game". I wrote it on Chess. I wrote all about how we used to play chess with Papaji,and you. I also wrote how you and I were best for the doubles team and always used to beat Papaji and sister. It was sad to know about Bantya and Santa. Meetu was fortunate but I have heard once reaching the shore, he wanted to save them and so he went down again and also got stuck like Bantya and Santa I heard they struggled quite hard to get the gate down. VAHE GURU REST THEIR SOLES IN PIECES.

Uncle Jatindar's death is very tragic. I will miss him for he was the only one who used to give me liquor in a barrel, else I always have to suffice with small bottles here.

Yours

Barnam Singh 'Luchha'

P.S. Please write the postal code on the letterbox so that my letters can reach you faster. Do not worry about money, I will have plenty here. Our schoolteacher said they were going to put a money plant in front of my room. I was also going to send you some photographs, but I also sealed the envelope.

Source: http://members.rediff.com/muder/cleanjokes.html

I Want My Raspberry Ripple Ice-Cream!

There, I've made Fraser smile.

I Want World Peace!

[A senseless account of contemporary mis-history.]

Yeah, right. Like I would get world peace. More likely, world p*ss. Just make sure the world doesn't binge on cabbage and asparagus before they piss. I would not want world peace either. Otherwise, there would be absolutely nothing to write about. What good is peas? Apart from being good dietary fibre, peas give you flatulence. So we have old farts talking about world peace and airheads wanting to promote world peace but what we get in the end are bags of hot air.

So why is world peace so elusive? So unimaginably difficult to grasp? So hypothetical?

I think the Smarties have the answer. But I wonder how many you'll need to eat before the cumulative effect of their knowledge will finally reside in your brains. It had better be quick or else your buldging middle from ingesting too much fats and sugar is probably going to do you in first. Perhaps that's why people who go out and promote world peace die young.

I read an article recently about the media whore ex-Princess Diana, I mean, media prostitute. Damn... I really mean media darling, a missile homed on the media, a media princess, yes that's it! Media princess Diana. Why, that conniving thing had the media eating out of her hands. I guess it pays to be different. She was different. Uniquely distinguished from the stoic, stiff-upper-lipped, emotionless family that she married into. Man, if I had Charles, I'll let him have the other flower all righty! And I'll be more loved throughout the world as the princess who did (allow the husband to take a mistress).

I mean, what's the Big Deal? Oh, we don't write it this way. I mean, what's the big deal? I won't fight imaginary enemies. I'd gladly have the flower in my garden than flourishing in some field where I don't know where. And perhaps, the 1-3-5, 2-4-6 and scissors-paper-stone 7 arrangement would make us all happy. No?

If the media whore, oops, media princess and her sister are living under the same palace (that's why they have wings - palatial wings, that is), that could be a start of world peace. For one, the tabloids would have nothing to write.

Ok, they do get something to write. At least they would pay more attention to Freddie Mercury and he wouldn't have to shock the world with his "I Wanna Break Free" MTV. For those who have not seen it, I think you should.

Or maybe they can give more attention to the Cold War. And the Berlin Wall, "Mr President, tear down the wall!" Was that what Mr Reagan said? I think that was a historic moment. But it is stupefying that it took an American to tell the Russians (Mikhail Gorbachev) what to do for the Germans. And for the longest time now, the Germans are one (but underlyingly, the west Germs still call their east counterparts country bumpkins, or so I have been led to believe).

But imagine if the Aryans did not try to juice the Jews. Ok, bad pun, but hey, Einstein moved to US and with his discovery of the atomic bomb, surprise surprise! It was the Japanese who got atomised. Hm... I guess it says never to f*ck with the Americans, especially down there (Pearl Harbour) for they could come and come hard (yes, yes, I am aware of the puns) in your rear.

So, I have moved back in time. And still, I have yet to find out if I should carry on moving backwards to find the genesis of world peace or should I turn to some future events. Maybe backwards. I recall my history teachers talking about the Meiji Restoration (which I cannot remember if it had anything to do with the shot gun Nate, or is it shogunate). All I remembered as a Secondary 2 history student was the advertisement jingle, "Meiji, Meiji, for you and me!". Then, Meiji was a Japanese brand of milk(?), biscuits(?), kiddy jellies(?). I can't remember. Pocket money then was too little to go seek out such high class stuff unless there was proper budgetting. Oh, by the way, the latest reincarnation of Meiji yogurt is simply delicious. I know there had been some problems with their products recently. Perhaps it was intended to clean out the population some, and send the rest on the way to world peace.

So, the Meiji Restoration is not it. Maybe we look at events nearer our generation. Whatever that means. Ah, I know. Maybe James Bond holds the key to world peace. Man, that gold-membered, never-say-never die another day lover of Ivana Shagalot guy with the goofy smile and his arch nemesis were a-laugh-a-minute. Oh, I got it wrong? That was Austin Powers? Oh man, see? How do we get world peace when spoofs are better than the real thing?

Maybe we already have world peace, no? In the make believe world, world peace is an ideal which is achieved when you completely wipe out people who don't agree with you. Without resistance, world peace is possible.

Extrapolating, we have gotten it wrong since the epoch of time. We should never ever had any governments. For world peace is available once anarchy is achieved. A one man anarchy.

Grammar and typo edits - 17 Sep

Perspectives

In My Daughter's Eyes
Martina Mcbride

(James Slater)

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes



I Wonder
Kellie Pickler

Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinkin' 'bout me
And would you even recognize the woman that your little girl has grown up to be
‘Cause I look in the mirror and all I see are your brown eyes lookin' back at me
They’re the only thing you ever gave to me at all

Oh, I hear the weather’s nice in California
There’s sunny skies as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you’d say to me

I think about how it ain’t fair that you weren’t there to braid my hair like mothers do
You weren’t around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom like mother’s do
Did you think I didn’t need you here to hold my hand, to dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

Oh, I hear the weather’s nice in California
There’s sunny skies as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you’d say to me

Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it’s so hard to do
When you’ve been hurt

Oh, I hear the weather’s nice in California
And just in case you’re wondering about me
From now on I won’t be in Carolina
Your little girl is off,
oh your little girl is off,
your little girl is off
To Tennessee

Upgrading

The estate that I'm currently staying in is undergoing some upgrading. The town council will be building additional lifts and sprucing up the environment.

Meanwhile, amidst the dust and din, my quality of life has downgraded some.

My weekends are no longer peaceful but I hear the constant interruption of big machines and work in progress.

Thank goodness I'm moving away soon!

Elective Blackout

The recent posts have been irrational ramblings and cut-and-pastes. There had been little commentary other than some raving and ranting. I had not intended this to be so but there had been far too much of a information overload at my end.

I have become just too happy to turn into a bimbo the minute I can turn off my "power of analysis". My brain is too tired.

Take me literally when I tell you that I am "tired of life". I'm not going to kill myself - *don't worry/sorry for the disappointment. I am just tired of the deluge of minutiae which provide a lot of irri-tainment but little value.

Google news has become my constant companion and so have the other aviation related news headliners and articles which I need to read in the course of my work.

So when I am off work, I simply don't want to talk about what is happening or comment. I can't imagine, sometimes, what my opinions would mean to the Americans if I say how much of a Republican supporter I am and how disappointed I have been of their presidential candidates thusfar. What difference would it have made if I ranted at the Korean missionaries who reduced the nation to adopting a missionary position in front of the Taleban? Who am I to care about global warming since I am part of the problem (I eat too much. Other than that, I am very green.) instead of being the solution? What has Roger Federer winning his fourth consecutive US Open title got to do with me? What good would it be for me to tell you that I very much want to see McLaren get suspended from F1 races for 20 years for industrial espionage?

At the end of the day, I threw out all my thoughts into a thought garbage/recycling bin. I intend to relook the pieces inside there one of these days.

But one of these days is really none of these days and I had just deleted a good number of draft posts from my blog dashboard. I simply can't find it in me to be so impassioned about certain things anymore.

There are things which I am passionate about still but to a large extent, I have managed to find my choir, to whom I preach. Again, though, the futility is evident - why convert the converted? It is such a joke. I feel ready to transcend this level that I am on and elevate myself but when I look around, the next level is where financial positions play a large role.

Upper class folks don't blog. The reporters are their ghost writers and the tabloids and broadsheets are their blogs. Of course, the uppermost crust - crisp, light and delectable - don't even have to do anything. The reporters will think of things about them to blog. Middle class folks like me and many of my friends write our own entries. And I mighty say I feel right at home in their company.

So where am I? Oh, the elective blackout. I still bitch a lot about things that I do not see fairness in. I just bitched about the price increase in public transport. But will I write about it at length? I doubt. It's no longer a writer's block that I suffer but a kind of socio-political inertia - Why ask me if you have already made up your mind? Will my views and inputs make any changes?

Don't get me wrong. I am not indifferent. I could be past that or nearing that. But I have decided that I'll devote my energies to fight more useful battles. For instance, annihilating the ants crawling all over my kitchen hob after my housemate failed to clean up properly after cooking. You certainly can do without certain vermin in your house.

And how has life been during this elective blackout period? Nothing much has changed really. I have more time for television programmes. I have more time to make friends on the web. I still don't like going out although when I am out, I am amenable to meet new people. The trouble to dress up to go out is indeed debilitating. By the time I am ready to get out of the house, my get up and go long got out and went.

I begin to ask myself philosophical questions, such as "If I were adopted by Brangelina...", "If my surname were Wales...", "How do I do a double triple date without getting caught...", "What is the value of being prim and proper...", "When there is is, there was is, then is there is was...", and then decide that maybe the best thing to do is to see if there would suddenly be raspberry ripple ice-cream waiting for me in the freezer.

And when I don't find any, I go and look for blonde jokes and wonder if life would be any different if I were 40 kg lighter, had wash board abs and were blonde too... Life is good.

* - delete where inapplicable.

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Dedicated to everyone out there.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
[Source: http://hobbes.ncsa.uiuc.edu/desiderata.html]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

When you're not sure, you check, don't you?

So what's wrong with me checking to be sure?

If I Set the High School Moral Education Exam...

I never got to set the paper. Maybe they doubted my moral standards. Or maybe the paper would be too tough. Have a go, if you are in need of some perverse fun.

Choose the answer which you think is the least damaging or hurtful.

1. Ali made his girlfriend pregnant. What should he do?
(A) Kick his girlfriend's stomach.
(B) Make his girlfriend eat lots of pineapples.
(C) Make his girlfriend drink a lot of beer.
(D) Make his girlfriend jump up and down.
(E) All of the above.

[Don't laugh. These are all old wives' tales! And another one below.]

2. Mary does not want her baby. To induce an abortion, she can:
(A) See a spiritual medium to expel the baby.
(B) Impale herself on a bamboo to kill the baby.
(C) Suck the baby out with a vacuum cleaner.
(D) Take a very cold bath to freeze the baby.
(E) All of the above.

3. Which of the following can cause pregnancy?
(A) Holding hands.
(B) Kissing.
(C) Swallowing sperm.
(D) Oral sex.
(E) All of the above.
(F) None of the above.

[Amazing what old wives' tales can teach the kids, right?]

4. Which of the following will not spread AIDS?
(A) Unprotected sexual intercourse
(B) Unprotected anal intercourse
(C) Breastfeeding from AIDS-infected mother to her child.
(D) Swallowing AIDS-infected saliva.
(E) None of the above.

5. Peter saw Mary cheat during the exam. Peter:
(A) will not tell the teacher if Mary "does it" with him.
(B) will not tell the teacher if Mary gives him $50.
(C) will not tell the teacher if Mary kisses him.
(D) will not tell the teacher since Mary also caught him cheating.

6. Peter saw his younger brother fall down. He:
(A) should leave him alone since everyone falls down.
(B) should ask his brother to show him how he fell down once again.
(C) clap his hands and congratulate his brother on the wonderful performance.
(D) sign his brother up as a Cirque du Soleil clown.

7. Mary picked up a wallet containing $1,000. Peter was with her. Mary should:
(A) share the money with Peter and throw the empty wallet away.
(B) take the wallet to the police station and accuse Peter of stealing it, since Peter cheated on her.
(C) tell Peter to keep the secret or she'll get her gang to bash him up.
(D) murder Peter so that she can keep the windfall to herself.

8. Mary and Nancy saw a pencil case they both liked.
(A) Mary will let Nancy have the pencil case if Nancy does Mary's homework for a week.
(B) Mary and Nancy should call their gangs to fight and the winner will get the pencil case.
(C) Mary will let Nancy have the pencil case because she is richer than Nancy and can afford a better looking pencil case.
(D) Mary will damage the pencil case and frame Nancy.

This is getting to be an immoral education exam. However, if you were asked to choose the best available option to each question, what would you choose? (Suggested answers in Comments below.)

Lust, Caution

Ang Lee (or Lee Ang, as the right way of calling a Chinese name) won a second Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival.

His winning entry this time is Lust, Caution. He first won with Brokeback Mountain.

Interestingly, he seems to get it all correct when it comes to dangerous liasons.

Couching Tiger, Hidden Dragon should be refilmed, I guess, into some erotic show. He may well walk away with No. 3. No, I'm not belittling Lee. I think he's a great director. I enjoyed Brokeback Mountain a lot.

I think I'll brave the cinema hazards and watch Lust, Caution.

Keeping sane (II)

Question: When does 12:19 come before 10:19?
Answer: All the time: 12:19 am/pm comes before 10:19 am/pm in the same day.

Question: Which month has 28 days?
Answer: Every month

Question: Which month has 30 days?
Answer: Every month except February.

Question: Which month has 29 days?
Answer: This is too easy - you figure it out!

Keeping sane

Conference looms.

Reports tumble in to be checked.

Write-ups are rife with "cut-and-paste but forget to update" mistakes.

I need to keep sane while I correct these.

10 Things I Wish I Could Do

A little deja vu. Bear with me. Feeling a little Happy Tree Friend-ish today.

1. Spit gum on a woman's long tresses because she played with her hair and invaded my space by tossing out of her hair whatever she wanted remove.

2. Knock down pedestrains who insist on taking their own sweet time jaywalking right in front of my car when they should be using a designated crossing.

3. Kick away like a football...

4. Mow down with my shopping trolley...

5. Drop my bowl of piping hot soup on...

...unattended children who are allowed to run mindlessly into my path, giving me almost no reaction time.

6. Slap that bawling child and the parent - one for not knowing manners and the other for not teaching. Especially if the child was merely bawling to shame the parent or for attracting attention of the passers-by.

7. Pushing the idiot who would not walk to the side of the stairs leading up or down an overhead bridge crossing, especially when my bus is nearly arriving on at the bus stop at the other side of the crossing. (The hand railings are on the sides, so by walking in the centre, the idiot is blocking the entire stairway which is wide enough for two-way human traffic.) A more general version of this wish is to push anyone who occupies more than one "lane" for no good reason when walking.

8. Lock smokers in a fully enclosed room and force them to inhale all the smoke they exhale as well that produced by their cigarette until the air is clear again before letting them out. Fresh air will be provided to ensure that the smokers die of cigarette-related causes and not asphyxiation.

On a related note, I shall not belabour my point about the filterless cigarettes although I have a new idea where legislation should be made such that each cigarette is to be consumed within one inhalation. If a stronger fix is needed, smokers can take a second or a third fag. However, I still insist that the fumes must dissolve within the smokers' bodies and there should be no second-hand smoke.

Amazingly, I feel better already. So the 10 second rule to curb the temper does not really help but verbalising evil thoughts of genocide or gene pool refinements do!

Why I Dislike Going To The Movies

1. Cinemas stink. Literally.

2. Why are people talking so loudly during a movie?

3. Why are people taking over or messaging on their handphones during a movie? If I wanted shine in the dark objects, I'd get radioactive ones.

4. Why can't stupid women stop playing with their long hair? I don't particularly fancy having their lice or dandruff on me.

5. Why is there so much litter?

6. Why do people go to watch a movie when they do everything but?

7. Why are handphones turned on during a movie? There were always pre-screening messages to request patrons to switch their phones to the silent mode.

8. Why must Ah Lian (Ah Beng) put her head (his arm) on Ah Beng's shoulder (across Ah Lian's shoulder)?

9. Why do people who buy the best seats in the middle of the theatre always come the latest? Nothing irritates me more than having my disruptions during a screening.

10. Because I can't claim provocation or get legal immunity if I kill those f*****g b*****ds for destroying my movie experience. Hey, I paid to watch the movie too!

Budgetting

You can either budget or you can't.

You can either stick to the budget or you can't.