How I Intend to Win Miss Universe

Tongue-in-cheek entry. Not to be taken seriously.

Controversy controversy controversy. Miss Universe 2007 is fraught with controversies, ranging from a bald Miss Tanzania, a slipped-and-fallen Miss USA, Miss Brazil's politically incorrect dress to Miss Sweden withdrawal. To top it all off, Japan contestant who won Miss Universe had tiara fall off.

So Mr Trump's show does not look that good this year indeed. Must have been a bad year for him even though he won the hair match at WWE. So, how do I intend to win Miss Universe?

Simple.

Step number 1.
Go for extreme makeover. After extensive liposuction and lipid re-allocation, I should be able to pull of a Pamela Anderson 46F - 18 - 36 figure. I'm sure I'll be the one that every one looks at and sigh.

Of course, the 18 inch waist needs maintenance. So the food will have to give.

Step number 2.
Go for laser hair removal. How can a hairy ape win Miss Universe? Enough said.

Step number 3.
Dermal abrasion and skin smoothening. This is important as the skin must look lusciously translucent if I want any hope of crushing the competition at all. The judges must think that if they blow on my delicate skin, the skin will just break open, like some well-made soup dumpling.

Step number 4.
Laser whitening. SKII whitening will not be enough. I am no Sammi Cheng. And I really don't want to risk looking like her after her SKII frolic. Her face was swollen, as though she had frog-faced emphysema. My clear skin must look real. The blemishes must be removed, like weeds uprooted! Spare no effort.

Step number 5.
Hair implants. I can't do a Miss Tanzania. It's been done before and is no longer original. But I've got the perfect idea for my new crowning glory. There will be black, red, auburn, brown, and blond hair mixed for transplant. And I'll have all colours of hair. This way, choosing me would be but a natural conclusion because all races are represented on my head. Of course, I'll bring along Singapore's favourite son David Gan to help me with my hair when I'm at the contest! Maybe after that, he can bring me to shop at Prada and Gucci and LV.

Step number 6.
Make sure the swimsuit fits like a glove. It must look as though it has been designed with the perfect Miss Universe in mind.

Step number 7.
National costume. It will have long tresses which flow but there will be a cheongsum like cut at the side so that I can flaunt my smooth and alluring legs. 6 inch heels are necessary. Anti-skid - think Miss USA. And it will be satiny at the ass area so that it can slide on and off my pert buns with immaculate ease. There will be a swan head attached to the waist area a la Bjork, and the swan's head extends to and rests on my shoulder. My swan will carry an olive branch, signifying peace to the world. Why talk world peace when you can show it? A picture is worth a thousand words, no?

Step number 8.
Night gown segment. Ok, first, look young motherly. Miss Universe must exude some form of mature feminity amidst youthful charm. She must never look as though she is some sex-starved 'ho (thanks, Don Imus!) who can't wait to eat up the little boys leading her down the stage. And then learn to swirl in the night-gown. I think ballroom bootcamp will help.

Step number 9.
Bring underwire to prop up the 46F grapefruits. Or will they be cataloupes? On the actual day, the boobs must look as though they are ready to crack a few walnuts. They must be hard as steel ball bearings but still look soft and welcoming to the eyes. They can't touch them though.

Step number 10.
Having won Miss Body Beautiful, Miss Lovely Hair, Miss Congeniality (hey, that's a given. I'm not called the royal bitch for nothing!), I must clap happily and congratulate the winner for the national costume. Hey, you don't think my shit taste is going to get me anywhere are you? In fact, I'll hug the winner while I penknife a few slits in her dress. How's that for Miss Congeniality?

Step number 11.
Having made the Final 3, one of us will be Miss Universe. The question will be, what do you think is the most important thing Miss Universe must have. The contest is rigged. So this is only to be expected.

My answer: I'll slide off my evening gown showing my swimsuit. Then I'll peel off the bottom part of the bikini. And I'll say, "Miss Universe must have BALLS." Turn around and show the other finalists.

Both finalists would have fainted by now. Who's left but me for Miss Universe?

I close my eyes...

Wanted to write about some song. The first line was "I close my eyes". Then I realised so many songs had the line "I close my eyes" in it.


"I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain what I thought I knew
Far far away, someone was weeping
But the world was sleeping
Any dream will do"

- Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat

I close my eyes
and there in the shadows I see your light
You come to me out of my dreams across
the night

- For Always

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes

- Broken Vow

Look at me I'm riding high
don't know what's wrong with me.
Can't you see I'm not the guy
that I pretend to be.
Though I know I will be lonely
but our love will never die
I close my eyes, everyday, I close my eyes.
Ah......

- I Close My Eyes

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still I feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

- Closed My Eyes

And many more.

Looks like song writers love to study the underside of their eyelids.

Wonder if there are any other phrases that we flogged to death like this one.

ABCDEFG

Someone sent me a picture of a T-shirt with the print:

Do you know the meaning of ABCDEFG?
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.

Then do you know the meaning of GFEDCBA?
Girls Forget Everything Done & Catches new Boy Again.

Watch out for that...

Tree

At least 3 (or is it 4) Singaporeans have been killed by falling branches. Ok, I know this sounds sick but when I heard of the first case, I went "George, George, George of the Jungle..." But ageing trees and blustery winds are perfect settings for disasters.

Truck

8 year old school boy walks into path of reversing truck at Simei MRT station. I used to live there till two years back and I've had enough instances to know that this was an accident waiting to happen. So the truck slams into his face and knocks him down, rear wheel running over his head. And the aunt taking the boy home from school banged on the lorry to tell the driver that he had knocked her nephew down. To compensate, the driver moved the lorry forward, running over the boy's head again. A military medic who tried to render first aid found no pulse and shallow breathing. A doctor who rushed to the scene said it was too late to do anything.

Mosquito

Dengue fever cases on the rise again. And an octagenarian died of dengue haemorrhagic shock. Clear out your stagnant water and dry the place of unwanted puddles to prevent the mozzies from reproducing. Prevention is the best medicine.

Stingray

At least one of Singapore reservoirs is believed to contain stingrays which were released into the water body by pet lovers when the fish grew too big for their tanks. But this is bad for us because Singapore is beginning to allow the use of reservoirs, our raw water collection and storage areas, for water sports in a bid to encourage healthy living. These rays, according to the newspapers, can deliver a sting bad enough where amputation may be necessary in some cases. Someone should fish them all out and sell them as food. I love them barbecued and slathered with lots of chilli!

Atomic bomb

US and other countries are beginning to worry about Iran's uranium enrichment programme. They believe Iran will have nuclear weapons in three years' time. I only hope that they can't make proper launchers so whatever they fire will fall onto themselves.

Number 500

This is my 500th post in this blog.

Amazing, isn't it? I recall the early days when I had weaponsofmathdestruction and was told to take it down because freedom of speech was not allowed in Sing... I mean in PRC... Well, that's the past, isn't it?

One can shut another but cannot stop another from thinking.

It is the thinkers who are the scary ones. Next comes those who speak without thinking.

In a way, words tend not to betray a person that much. Sentences do. Paragraphs help to set the context but context-setting is a hypocritical exercise of sorts.

I'm just glad I've come so far.

Looking forward to the next 500 posts.

Both Tragic

"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."

George Bernard Shaw, "Man and Superman" (1903), act 4
Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing

This post is dedicated to my fellow blogger and friend, T F Stern. He asked about the song and gave me the inspiration to write this entry on my recent trip to Beijing.

Opening line of Katie Melua's song "Nine Million Bicycles".

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.

It's a love song. Poignant. One can't change facts but what happens when the facts of the past are now no longer relevant? Will it change the fact that "I will love you till I die"?

Beijing has undergone a lot of change since I did an immersion programme in the Beijing Capital University in 2002. There were probably nine million bicycles in Beijing then. I would know. It wouldn't be a surprise if someone on a bicycle knocked me down.

With the Beijing Olympics looming, the Chinese government has put in a lot of effort to modernise the city.

Xiushui Jie (Silk Street), a cul-de-sac lined with peddlers who specialise in imitation goods such as LV, Prada and so on, have become a thing of the past. The peddlers have been relocated into a 7 storey shopping centre. But if there is any consolation about change, the goods they sold are still real fakes.

Recently, the Chinese were fined for spitting. Anti-social behaviour is now punishable in China. Soon, very soon, the toilets are going to get doors and working flush cisterns.

We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
That's a guess,
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you.

Beijing has about 15 months to the Olympics. Opening Ceremony is on 8 Aug 08. If you didn't know yet, you heard it here first. 08 - 08 - 08. Or 8 - 8 - 8. Fa, fa, fa! Prosper, prosper, prosper. Typically Chinese superstition.

Many parts of Beijing have been rebuilt. Former empty plots of land are occupied by skyscrapers. I didn't recall Beijing had a metro. The city now does have one. Terminal 3 of Beijing Capital Airport will be open soon to meet the needs of travellers. Expansion and construction are the order of the day.

The Beijing of the past is fading away as the traditionists are clutching to it like a drowning man to straws. The recent uproar over Starbucks operating out of a corner in the Forbidden City just shows how much Beijing has moved with the times. But who are we to dictate the pace of a city and how it wants to change itelf?

I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar,
Just believe everything that I say

China of today is no longer like the past. People I meet tell me that the Chinese have become very professional. The best talent of the country study in Beijing's top universities and then very likely stay on in the city after their graduaton. They are learned and many invariably speak English. I was told the old days of bribing the folks to get what you want are no longer in vogue.

Things have changed. Political will, as can be seen in the clamp down of the officials who embezzled the pension funds, cascades down the ranks and people are shaking in their pants. Crooked folks think twice before making a move. For all it takes is probably RMB 2 to end a life - the cost needed to buy a round to end a life by firing squad.

There are six billion people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

A sixth of the six billion people in the world reside in China. It has tremendous potential to "take over the world". It is nothing negative.

The glorious past, the teeming present and the promising fusion juxtaposed in a single city. The modern five-star hotels flanking the regal, if antique, Imperial Palace in a city welcoming the future. China is at cross-roads. What baggage should they leave behind and what traditions should they bring along to the future? The constant struggle to mould a new identity to herald in a new beginning in the changing world yet remaining true to the virtuous inner being. To add an identity without losing the self.

The pursuit of the future but not disregarding the foundations which anchored them in the past. The money trail is becoming very pervasive. Today, I read in the papers that China's share market has become second largest in the world. The Chinese have billions of savings waiting to be invested.

So many things are changing outside while I contentedly cultivate my pearl in my oyster shell. But having made this trip, I do indeed feel quite small.

We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire,
Of the love that you give me every night

In a year or so, Beijing will have the whole world's eye trained on it for at least 2 to 3 weeks. Whether I liked the city or not is of no importance. The world changes and moves along. There is little we can do to change. Just like...

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!

Suddenly Appeared

Somewhere sometime some part of the common sewer pipes was clogged and I returned home to a kitchen half flooded by washing water, grime, food bits and all.

Took a deep breath and plunged my hand into the drainage hole. Water way clear. (So paramedic like - check airway.)

Went to the neighbourhood store to get a manual toilet pump. Came up some 15 minutes later to find that the waters have inundated the entire kitchen.

Attempted to pump the water back down. There was no way I was getting any traction because the force of the water gushing out of the hole prevented me from even establishing a firm closure. (Much like poorly sealed mouths in a CPR attempt.)

So in desperation, I started baling water and pouring it down the rubbish chute. Titanic is sinking! I mean, the house is flooding up. Worse, when I studied the renovation, I realised the retaining portion of the kitchen toilet is HIGHER than that to the hallway adjoining the kitchen. That means if the kitchen is flooded the waters will come right into the hall and rooms.

Ok, grim picture.

Ditched the baling for a while and decided to make calls. At 7.30 pm, the outlook is less than upbeat.

My plumber refused to take the job because he diagnosed the problem and said that it should be taken care of by the folks maintaining the estate (aka the Town Council).

I called the emergency services since the Town Council offices were already closed for the day. Lady at the emergency services said, it is in your house, find your own plumber.

Took a deep breath.

Miss, I "tak cuci" (didn't wash anything), didn't turn on water, how come water come out of the "hole"?

Like dat...? Sir, one moment yah?

She finally delivered the good news. We'll send a plumber down to take a look. If he diagnoses the problem as the Town Council's, they will resolve. If it is not their fault, then I'll have to look for my own plumber.

Sure. I'm winning this battle now.

Back to baling the water after informing my landlord and landlady.

But the rate of the surge was so fast, I had to call my housemate back to take pictures and a video of it. I mean, what would happen if Plumber came and the insurge stopped?

So he cut short his lunch and came back.

Meanwhile, I have baled water for an hour already. I think I am suitable to join the Uniguely Singapore yacht race around the world. If anything, I can bale water out of the yacht when I am not seasick.

Just then my friend came over for a scheduled visit. Not long after my housemate came back and he took wonderful pics. He took over the baling as my friend and I worked on his stuff.

Not long after, the plumber came.

Then the landlord and landlady arrived.

The pipes were finally cleared but the after math, I'm still clearing.

Suddenly Going

I was told that I am to make a work trip to Beijing.

It will be a super duper short trip but the pre-trip paper work is making me see stars.