It has been years since I have last come into here…and I guess no one will ever return to here either. 

Hence, I have transformed this little space as a little diary. I guess some times we all just need a space to vent out those negative emotions and thinking to make space for the happier and positive ones. 

Perhaps age is really coming up to me, it seems like the feeling of being alone, a nobody like a speck of dot that doesnt really matter is creeping up more often now. It feels kind of like the vines climbing up along the fences, trying hard to reach for the sun. But i guess in this case, just climbing and struggling further and further like through a tunnel with light at the end seems so unreachable. 

I dont think I’m a pessimistic person but i guess it could also be so that i am some times really struggling to kick these negativity out of my heart and mind. i am just hoping some venting in terms of writing, can clear up some space and bring me back more sanity and positivity. Just like how one throws a pebble into the water or a shout across the vast ocean and sea.

Some time back, a close friend made a random comment “are you so insecure of yourself?”. My answer was an immediate “Yes”. I cant remember the context of the conversation but i know i feel insecurity inside. Being a strong, independent person on the exterior, just doesnt seem like insecurity is a word I guess others will think off their mind. But i believe many strong people are just bearing all the responsibilities, the load of whatever life and experience had put onto them. These are often the ones that others may have forgotten that the load is equally painful and burdening on us. That we also feel the pain and want someone out there to share the pain and load. The ones that also need a shoulder to cry on and a hug and pat that everything is fine.

Have I thought of finding someone to share the experience? Yes, of course! but it is also because of what one had experienced before that kept me from taking a step forward. Some times the fear of getting hurt really gets to me. The fear that the pain is too great to be undertaken that will really push one to the extreme. The fear of getting pain that one brings up the shield as a preventive action so there is no chance for a need for corrective action. 

I guess that’s why an article on behavioural habits which i once read, that a person who hugs a stuffed toy to sleep is one with insecurities resonates w me. Because I do feel comfort with them. Because I know they are always there, they will never leave, they will hear my rants and ‘hug’ me when im tired or in pain. It is also perhaps one of the reasons why i have not been drowned by negativity. 

Enough of ranting for today, just hoping that it will take a long long time before i come back here again