7th May '23 Every vessel and ship is bound for port 

When will the wandering traveller dock?

 If the ocean's heart is really vast

 Please speak to the one who is lost and impart 

knowledge For she does not know when she can be home 

 Half parted clouds wrap the moon

 In it's wisp of tight embrace 

The only beckoning light for those at sea 

And to the weak spirited 

A glimpse of his shy round face 

Is the only place of comfort and peace 

They can send their worries to 

The shape shifter is unchanging 

No matter how many times we gaze at her 

She's giving warmth to those who look her way 

 I want to be the moon 

There, I said it

 Borrowing light from it's parent 

And conveying longing to the weary souls 

She's the messenger of emotions 

If you look at me and see that I'm dreary 

Send me more tears you shed 

And I'll dry them for you 

 Tears as salty as the ocean 

They could easily drive the wave of communication 

I just want to sit beside you 

And feel your presence, comfort, warmth 

So let me be the moon 

I'm the perfect candidate 

 No, you're already the moon 

There can't be two in the sky 

The moon is always smiling from above 

Watching over me, watching her, 

Personified by everyone that admires her

 I'll be strong for you To be proud of 

So that you can rest assured 

 I'm not weak, I'm strong! 

_________________________________ 

 I have spent 5 years

 Ravaging the island, turning treasure into stones 

I abandoned the riches of my life 

In search of new maps 

Storms arising, the waves are turning against my tide

 It's enough 

The sign from heaven has pleaded for mercy 

For me to stop my ravishing appetite 

And put an end to all earthly desires 

You've tasted so much of the pleasure 

That it's time to show gratitude to those that raised me

 Buddhist gods I'm begging of you

 To hear me out, show me the way forward

 I'll move dilligently 

As you want me to xxoxo

Shit's happened now does it take someone breaking down to finally show more care and compassion for the person? and even then i find the breakdown embarassing, ugly, crying My friends can't contain the emotional capacity for me I think I kept trying to make them fill up my emotional void Which i tried to fill up myself, but I don't know with what Was I filling it up these four years with the idea of fan being at home, waiting for me, wanting me to be around her, me wanting to own her, possess her, call her mine? Was I filling it up with fun times, neglecting people I supposedly should care about, and only hanging around with the cool kids? I can feel my emotional capacity at it's maximum now Am I so limited? In my capacity as a human being? Look, even when I come back home, I can't talk to my roommate about stuff She doesn't have the emotional capacity for me to pour my heart out about certain things And doesn't that go for anything in life? I am comparing myself to if I was worst off Well then i can't talk about certain things because this person isn't listening, and they're not giving me the response I want to I held the floodgates and I tried to prevent them from bursting but the dam's water was too much to bear It came flooding out, more than I could handle Actually, nobody in this school has the proper emotional capacity to hold me, not because I am too much But because, I'm not their burden, responsibility, or even someone that they can care about And me, I didn't really have the capacity to care that much as well on my own, I couldn't bother, or think about other's people well-being, and they didn't need that from me either It makes me wonder, how are my friends all so strong? Strong enough to not crumble, to survive in this foreign land emotionally I am really emotionally charged as a person extremely I don't know if I survive well in this place where, sentiments are not talked about frequently They're not felt wholly and I feel so much more than it is possible to handle I was trying to distract myself with silly shopping online, buying goods, entertaining myself with movies, i was even content with cai sitting beside me and sleeping the world on a whole hurts me now as I try to navigate it It's.... painful when people ignore me. And perhaps it's painful when I do it back to others as well Ignore - when i say something, and it's not interesting enough for them to respond the way I want i feel a lot of stress trying to make the class fun, controlling the class, making sure they don't speak when unnecessary thinking about this gives me a really big headache now my mental health is not in a good place What is it that broke me? what has been breaking me down? remember i blogged about my first breakdown in secondary school and even as i hung out with the popular group, i recieved 0 to no emotional support and connection from them it was really hard for me to connect with them I found some good friends in singapore, and I decided to leave them for a world of fun and games But now, at the end of 4.5years.... I'm feeling the effects take it's toll on me i am overly sensitive in a world of insensitivity i wish to hype someone up, really, i feel better when i can talk nicely about someone I hurt mudit, because what he said was offensive and insulting to me. In the end, I hurt myself. I've been suffering these two weeks since I came back from europe because I placed my emotional baggage on him. Was gohonzon giving me a warning by cutting him out from my life, otherwise I'd have placed my entire life with him? I tried to pull more and more away from fan, it gave me even more emotional disconnection Could it have been worse has I not pulled away as well? I thought I am strong enough to tide through the pain in thailand, am I not? I want to quit now, say goodbye forever. My emotional capacity is taking a very big toll on me. How could simin manage all that alone in the USA? Why do things have to change the way they do and how can i be more adaptable to change? Right now I'll have to push all the people who hurt me out from my life That's what I WANT TO DO they hurt me by IGNORING ME NOT RESPONDING TO ME BEING A BAD EMOTIONAL CAPACITATOR THEY CAN'T CONTAIN ME and i can't contain myself too i miss my mum who can absorb every ounce of shit i wanted a hug from cao, to feel better, and i couldn't get one because i didn't ask for it in the right way? i got hurt she always talks to someone else How am I supposed to build up the emotional capacity and survive day to day? because the best support system around me is getting taken away am I ready to go back out? for work, for whatever it is for education

I AM DYING i want to kill myself i have these thoughts to kill myself for a while now always when things are rough nobody sees the problem, i am afraid to describe it as well, i don't want to hurt anyone, i'm refraining from hurting someone, but when i try to do that as a good person, im hurting myself 1000x inside they ignore me when i talk to them i don't want to talk to them anymore, or tell them anymore about my trips they're not interested in them i hate talking to people that show no interest i feel hurt when they do not respond properly i feel a lot of hurt why? is what i'm saying not interesting? my self-esteem gets hit whenever that happens or am i just hanging out with the wrong group of people? i want to change friends i want to change roommate, probably, i want to not have a roommate anymore it's enough for me just let me make the wrong decision if it is, let me regret i remember the pain i felt with k.g and it lasted for at least 5 fucking months i cried so much in front of the gohonzon praying to forgive her and forgive my fucking self for being so stupid but why do these two people that enter my life they have to hurt me so much with their selfish actions? ignoring me not caring about me being upset when i reach home making me feel like i should not stay at home and they only care about themselves ??????????????????????????? i'm wrong? they watch the youtube video i try to share with them what is the main reason people are easily disappointed with others? i want to find out so that i can cut out disappointment from people in my life especially when things go wrong I HATE IT I HATE WHEN THINGS ARE OUT OF CONTROL I WANT TO CONTROL PEOPLE THEY NEVER LET ME CONTROL ANYTHING FUCK THEM no, they never let me do anything nice for them i feel useless with them so i want to kill myself like my presence is shit in their presence it means nothing to them when i watch a movie.. or whatever.. i can escape from the world for a little bit. i want to do something for the world, for someone, without complaining, satya told me to be sincere in my interactions, oh i really want to... what have i become in thailand? more judgemental or no? I wish to be a better person, if I don't see myself improving in many areas then... perhaps it's just time for me to go.

 Hello. Another problem has arose~

Why is it that making someone angry causes me so much confusion, pain and negative thoughts like - this person is going to leave me, they're going to be sick of me soon. 

I can't be myself then - I am just a person who easily annoys others as well, and I can't fix it.

If i am always treading on ice, afraid to fall, and not pushing boundaries, I am not myself

I'd rather be who I am than follow something that I don't like doing

Just to hold on to the person. 

Yes, it could always be worse. It might be worse.

But I don't know

If the only thing we have in common is just me commenting on her instagram stories, being interested in what she's doing, I guess that's not good at all

We have nothing much to talk about - we're just here for the companionship

Even then, I find that both of us must have grown - will I be okay alone? I am trying it out for two days now.. let's see how it goes.

I don't want to be scared anymore of seeing the ig stories. I want to be brave. But, I am handling it like how I handled Javier!

Block first, and then I can feel happy that he's doing well next time

It's just a simple mistake, does it dictate everything? it took up all my thoughts again.

NO! I won't let it control me or bring me down.

I have better things to do. 

 If I saw myself back in 2015, suffering because I was under the influence of K.G and being unhappy because of her, what would I have told the younger me? 

These are the words of encouragement I'd like to tell myself right now

- You're so amazing, and it wasn't your fault that you chose her to be part of your life. It was your karma, you attract these types of friends because their personality type suited you in the beginning. You thought you could control them, and make them rely on you, but eventually, your low self-esteem gets the better of you, and that determined your happiness. You are however, strong enough to be aware and respect yourself, to leave an unhappy relationship. You know exactly, the type of behavior and characteristics they exhibit. I hope they eventually will be happy in their own way, like how KG is pursuing her own type of happiness. 

When I talk to her, I find that she's still the same old her. I am also the same old me, but I don't wish to pursue that type of satisfaction anymore. Listening to her complaints, gossip, is not my thing. Since I am unable to form healthy boundaries with myself, I need to start working on myself. 

If you asked me whether I was happy 2 years ago on my birthday, when I could celebrate with my friends, I didn't feel happy. I thought that they didn't give me the attention I wanted. So, it was a big problem. And I could only feel satisfied through physical touch with Fan at home, showing off our interaction with MXJ, going up to the rooftop to watch terrible fireworks.

A myriad of emotions went through me.

Last year, I hosted my own birthday party - I was really happy I did that. In the party, I saw that F had a really awkward face, thinking like, oh okay all the attention is on you.. or something. She didn't like that. I felt it. I just, maybe people like them can't be my forever friends. I am unable to connect on a deeper emotional level and, it won't last. If I can't share my problems. SO....... i wonder where this would end.

Last year, while on the boat party, counting down, while F was away partying with tracy and other girls, and C was looking out for me, and I had Zoey beside, reza on the other, I felt. So. Lonely.

That was a crazy feeling I had. On my birthday. Every birthday, I have major realizations. Lol.

Super. Because, on my special day, I keep thinking that I need to feel a certain way - that would generate happiness. So.... is the medicine her? It isn't. It's me. Me. Me. and only ME.

I am responsible for my feelings. But. She does generate a lot of unhealthy feelings in me.

So.... ? How? 

 I wished I had a blueprint - an answer sheet to all of my questions, feelings, reasons for why someone does something. Instead, my mind assumes a lot, feels a lot more than usual, and can detect underlying meanings - which is accurate only 50% of the time. The rest of the time, there's just assumption involved. 

So, I wish people expressed what is on their mind clearly. I want to be a clear communicator as well. What is the reason I post? What is the reason I said this sentence? What do I want to express? How can I make my thoughts and reasoning come across with the well intention I have, instead of misunderstanding all the time?

I don't have a particular gift for interpreting someone's thoughts, so when I catch myself assuming again, I had rather stop my brain from thinking of something that should not be there. My assumptions create emotions in me, far from what has transpired in reality. They are distorted views, generated fresh from imagination. 

Have I seen any positive sides to this yet.. well.. yes. In the case of correctly interpreting someone's feelings, I am able to take care of this person (I'm not sure if they want me to), give warmth to them, and encourage them, hopefully pull them out of depression/any negative feelings they possess. 

I don't have to think so much - nor let my external environment affect me - however I feel, this inner peace I crave so much for and deserve, regardless what happens outside, should allow my inner core to withstand the 'happy' images I view on social media. Do I need or want to be part of that group to feel happy? Am I really happy when I am with them?

Do I necessarily feel peace even with her around? I remember the chaos and anxiety raging within me when she's within range. I generated the wave on a calm beach in my heart - because chaos is my normal? Then again in irony form, why does she have to be the only reason I can feel calm, the tranquilizing pill I desire so much to wrap my fingers around? The raging waves are pulsing against my chest from within, asking so desperately for a taste of the fine medicine to make the waves draw back, and in a temporary moment, I am at peace again. 

I produce these feelings within me in a short range of time, and before I know it, I need the medicine again. The desire for this medicine is limitless. I know the drug does not work. Only I can be the best healing drug myself. And at the end of it all, is the temporary respite I want from her disappears, like smoke. What is permanent? What can I create to starve these raging waves pushing against me. I don't want to consume the medicine anymore. I need another type of medicine. 

How long will it be, before the new medicine can take effect? Many of my friends - they contribute to being a larger part of the new medicine I want to eat. They're a good component. They aided me in my journey to recovery, every single new person I meet. The toxicity is from within. I feel sorry that I am not treating myself right. I respect myself enough now to walk away from the toxicity of a relationship that is eating at me. 

And in comparison to the past, I feel my heart, much stronger than before, more guarded than ever. The walls the toxins are eating at are not crumbling as much as I thought they would. I in fact, feel sorry for the toxin herself. I wish she could be happy - so that I can also feel happy for her. Because I received so much love, and I was in the thoughts of so many people - just not the person I wanted to be in the mind of, I can't let one toxin corrode me. 

I want to make sure, I am not running away from reality. How I view her might be incorrect. I am not sure at all. Right now - in my mind, I simply am thinking - she doesn't want to wish me. So that I can feel miserable. Why? Why do I create thoughts and demonize her like this? Is she really such a selfish person? I attract the same type of person over and over in my life. I can't figure her out, although CBB reads her like a book, and reads me like a book at the same time. 

Can I learn from her? Is this medicine a secure person? If at the end of the day - I did not expect a certain message, I want to suppose I am right - she has disappointed me, out of all people. Can i give up a friendship only because I couldn't hear HBD from her? I am not upset with Keena, or Sophia at all.. for not wishing me... why? If I am not seen, or heard, or validated, who am I? Do I exist as a person? I felt invisible a large part of my life. 

So why is this person so important to me... it's cos I have feelings for her. I have expectations.

And isn't expectation like... normal? I said happy birthday is really not something I remember easily for other people - I do try my best.. but it does slip someone's minds i guess. 

alright, I had better forgive? again? lol

Looks like I'm not in this person's mind at all. 

 I think i am just confused

Not about my sexuality, but with the type of person I want to be with

When I am with her for a long time, I don’t find myself super happy

In fact I want to run away and just avoid her for a while at times

That is not to say that it isn’t enjoyable, because I miss her whenever I am away for a long time

Are you trying to tell me that I need alot of absence to be happy? Lol. I’m easily influenced by my environment

I can’t even give myself an answer - what do I want? Is this like, love or just infatuation? Perhaps I’m holding onto something because it makes me feel alive, i really have to say I’m lucky since many people go ahead in life without knowing their real sexual preference

I am a little late in stuff, but I don’t think I am entirely wrong about my feelings and myself

Do I trust my heart and body? My mind is fucking with me all the time because it’s protecting my body from being hurt. It tells me not to fall so hard because I will be hurt by her. So I keep pulling back instead of listening to my body

If i were to take the fact that we are roomies, it seems difficult for us to be together. It’s easier to date someone that I have barely known, is that the idea? Or simply dating someone and then seeing if the feelings will develop?

Oh god…. I am confused… ghz please HELP ME