Cookie Monster Party

Brody's party this year was Cookie Monster because he LOVES his Cookie Monster. If anyone knows me, I can go a little overboard on birthday parties. Brody's this year unfortunately was alot more thrown together because of the month before craziness. Here are pictures from his party.

                         A lady in my ward made this cake fore me, she did such a good job!

                                                         Brody's Birthday Present

                                       

Brody is ONE

I know everyone says this but WOW does time go by fast! I can't believe he is so old already :(.
Brody's first word was Mama, then followed Dada, and shortly after Logan passed away "duck" became apart of his vocabulary (surprise, surprise). He is a little cheese ball and is obsessed with his big sister, he wants to do everything she does including; princesses, purses, and dance. I try to get him to play with ninja turtles but he just isn't having it.
I ended up getting the flu the day we got his pictures taken but I couldn't miss them, so I sucked it up and went anyway. Brody LOVES Cookie Monster so I couldn't help myself, I love how these pictures turned out. Those big blue eyes make my heart melt every time!

Fundraisers

I cannot believe how many people stepped up and did fundraisers for me and my kids. I am going to go through a few of them and hope that I don't forget any!
November 26,2012 
I was on Taylorsville High School's drill team in high school and my old coach Alisha Staggs was so sweet and donated all proceeds from their Chiron Preview to our family. I wasn't able to go that night because there was so much going on but its true what they say.. Once a Chiron always a Chiron, I am so touched that even after all this time that they would do something like that for me. 
 November 29, 2012
My aunts Tana and Lori had a jewlery and bow party that 100% of proceeds go to us. Tana handmakes all her jewlery so I know how much work she put into all of it, there was such a great turn out and I was able to see alot of my family and alot of people in my old ward since we used to live over there, I was so grateful that they both were able to put that together for me they worked really hard, it was so sweet of them

December 1, 2012 
I am not exactly sure who it was who put this fundraiser on and I wasn't able to attend this one either, but it was I heard it was so much fun. All procedes from the vendors went to my family and they also took donations,so sweet of them!  I heard there was a great turn out, and I am so grateful to whoever put this on and also whoever attended!
                                                    
 December 7, 2012
My friend Sami and Sue put together a Silent Auction, there were SO many people willing to donate to it, it was really touching. They both worked so hard to put all of this together , I couldnt ask for better friends and dont know what I would do without them. I am sure it was so stressful for them but very successful. Love you girls!
                                             
 December 15, 2012 
Jordan Beet Classic was taking donations for us at the drill Competition. They also wanted us to go there to present it but also so we could help present the awards. Brynnlee absolutely LOVED it, she was laughing and having so much fun. There were so many people I never knew before that had donated and put this together it was really amazing!

December 20, 2012
My incredibly sweet sister in law Trista put together a raffle and Fundraiser for me. I heard and saw how hard she worked on this and I couldn't thank her enough! She stood out in the freezing cold to and spent so many hours on this for me, it was in Grantsville and they had a parade to watch before, baked goods, cute crafts, and much much more. I am so grateful to have her apart of my family and that she would do all of that for me.

 Parker and Keaton Howell sold scarves and Cd's from Anyone can music, Parker also had people from his work donated. that was so nice of them to think of me!
   My brother in law Tyrel's company Firetrol matched some money donated and I cannot thank Eric Parry enough for his generosity!

As you can see SOOO many people stepped up and helped me. I am so very grateful for all the hard work each and everyone of these people put into these. I know it couldnt have been easy for them especially around Christmas but THANK YOU everyone who participated, put on, or just even the donations to the Zions account or the ones that were handed to me. I am so lucky to know so many incredible people and it was very humbling couple months for me. Anytime I was having a hard day, there would be random money left on my door step or even just mailed to me. I don't think I deserve any or as much as what people gave me but I do know that I will be forever grateful to everyone for that. thank you, thank you , thank you!!!

Funeral

The morning of the funeral I felt so sick, I don’t know if I was just nervous or sick from not eating, maybe even a little bit of both. I knew I would really have to say goodbye to him today and I just wasn’t ready for something like that yet, then again I never would be ready to say goodbye and didn’t really have a choice. My friend Sami came over and did my hair for me, last time she did my hair it was for my wedding and engagements, and here we were 2 ½ years later doing it for my husband’s funeral. I got dressed into my black dress and started getting Brody in his little suit and Brynn in her beautiful black and white polka dot dress. I couldn’t fight back the tears, just a couple weeks earlier Logan was there helping me get the kids ready for church telling Brody how handsome he was and Brynn how beautiful she looked, she always wanted his final approval on every dress she would put on. It seemed like this week’s routine was no different than the usual weeks before but instead the little things like just getting the kids dressed in their Sunday clothes made me hurt. It’s crazy how badly I took the “normal” everyday things for granted.

            We headed over to the church and I when I walked in and saw the casket I had to brace myself again. At least I knew this time what to expect, but still didn’t get any easier seeing him that way. The family viewing came, and more and more people kept showing up just like the night before. I started to get anxiety when I saw that the line had pretty much stopped because I knew that it was time for the services to begin. I ended up letting Brody see Logan because I knew he wouldn’t really be negatively affected by it. When I brought him up there he didn’t even look down into the casket he pointed behind it and said Dada Dada, the veil is so thin for him that he was able to see that his daddy was there watching throughout the whole thing.  I watched as my family and Logan’s said their last goodbyes, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. I walked up to him and lost it all over again, I cried and asked him how he could do this to us? I told him I loved him and was so sorry for taking the time I had with him for granted, I asked him to watch over me and the kids and to help give me strength to be a good mom. I begged him to never let us feel alone and that he will show me some way that he is watching over us, I thanked him for the wonderful husband and father he was and told him I will do everything I can to make sure the kids and I make it back to him. I watched as they closed the casket with the teddy bear Brynn and Brody gave him and the lanyard with pictures around its neck. It felt as if someone was ripping my heart out of my chest, it was all so real to me in that moment and I felt so helpless all I wanted to do was run in a corner and cry I didn’t want to face anymore pain. As we walked into the chapel I was amazed at how many people had showed up, it was really touching to see so many people cared. All the brothers and dads did a wonderful job speaking, I don’t really remember it very much I kinda just stared at the casket and zoned out. I do remember Brynnlee and my nieces singing I am a child of god, it was so sweet and probably my favorite part of the whole service. My cute little niece Shay was sitting next to me and was crying and having a really hard time, and Brynnlee just rubbed her back and told her everything was going to be okay. I couldn’t believe her strength, she was able to comfort her cousin and ended up being able to take a nap during the service, I knew because of what Logan had told her the day before  she was able to do that.

            By the time we got to the cemetery I just kinda was done with it all, I was so emotionally exhausted and had no more tears that I didn’t even cry. While I was standing there as the brothers, dads, Renny, Derek, and Brandon carried Logan to his grave, I realized how incredibly blessed I am. I knew that I would NEVER have to worry about the kids not having that male role model in their life. Who else is blessed enough to have 4 incredible grandpas. Two amazing dads, and 7 wonderful brothers in their life, to help me along the way. Let alone the strong amazing women in my life. My pain turned to gratitude when I saw the family and friends surrounding us. When we let off the balloons I heard duck calls in the background and it made me smile, I got out Logan’s duck calls that he gave to Brody and had him stand by the casket and blow his. I knew that Logan would be happy with how the day turned out and that he was watching over it all. I said my one last goodbye, and I was no longer attached to Logan’s body, I didn’t feel the connection there. I could feel him more at my house and with my kids then at the cemetery.

            My sweet ward put together a really great luncheon. I remember laughing with my family and friends and it felt so good just for a hour to not have to worry about the past week and that I could just enjoy the company of them all. I finally was able to eat and keep something down and got some of my energy back. I remember once we got home looking and my parents and taking a deep breath and saying now what? I was so relieved that we had made it through that LONG week, but was scared for everyone to move on with their lives.

The Viewing

After the fundraiser I had a million other things to do before we had to go down to the church. My sweet friend Sami paid for me to get my eyelashes done since I would probably be a blubbering mess and boy did they come in handy! By Friday Brynnlee started to realize that her daddy wasn't coming back, she started to lose her appetite and seemed depressed and I was really starting to worry about her. While I was at my lash appointment she took a nap and when she woke up she told me about the dream that she had. Her whole personality had changed from depressed to the cute, happy Brynn that I knew and loved. She told me that Jesus woke daddy up and took her and daddy to heaven,  then daddy told her that he is sorry but she cannot see him anymore and only will be able to feel his spirit, he gave her a great big hug and said that he will always love her no matter what. Tears just started streaming down my face, throughout the craziness of the week I hadn't felt Logan at all and that's all I wanted. It gave me SO much peace knowing that he had been there to explain and comfort Brynnlee in a way that I never would be able to, I was so grateful to him for that. When I got into my car to head home to get ready it decided not to start, which I just had my aunt take me and it wasn't a big deal just not good timing at all.I stopped by my brother and sister in law Matt and Michelle's house to see the video tribute Michelle's sweet brother spent hours and hours on helping me make it perfect. I cried like a baby when I first watched it, it was absolutely perfect and I am so happy with how it turned out. Brynnlee watches that video a few times everyday she is obsessed with it, thank you Michael it means so much to us!
               When I got to the viewing I was very nervous to see Logan again, I know I already saw him the first time but it had been 4 days so I didnt know what to expect. I had been going back and forth and praying on whether or not to have Brynnlee see him or not, I didnt want to traumatize her and yet I didnt want her not to get the closure she needed, I decided that after I saw him and if he looked like he did the first time then I would let her see him. I went into the relief society room where I saw him in the beautiful casket I picked out all dressed in his white temple clothes and I was so overwhelmed. When I walked about to see him I about passed out, for the first time I really grasped the concept of without the spirit your body is just a shell. He didnt even look like the Logan, his poor face was so bruised and his body and eyes were sunken in, it was really hard to see him that way. I had to touch his hair to prove to myself that it was really "him". Yet again it hit me so hard that he was not coming back, there was no way I could let Brynnlee see her daddy like that. I wanted her to remember all the good memories and images she had of him not him lying there lifeless in the casket. My sweet ward had someone helping out in the nursery so I didnt have to worry about Brynnlee coming in there at any point that night. I still hadn't really eaten anything that week and I felt like I could barley stand I was so physical and emotional exhausted and so weak. Food lost it's taste to me and anytime I tried to eat I would just throw it back up. It's amazing to me that my body felt the trauma of it all to and not just my heart. When the viewing started people just started pouring in, it was all just a blur to me but I remember the tremendous love I felt that night, I couldnt believe how many people showed up that night. Someone told me that they had waited in line for over an hour just to come in and see Logan and us, I had no idea so many people knew either of the families or let alone Logan. There was so much support it was amazing. Before I knew it, I had to say goodbye to Logan again and just like the first time it was REALLY hard, I couldn't watch them close the casket and see them wheel him out so I just went in to see my kids and family. It was a long emotional night and I knew the next day would be even longer.
I had all the brothers and dads pick out one of Logan's famous old man ties to wear to the viewing and funeral, I wish I took a better picture but this is as good as I got.

 

Logan's Tribute Video

 

Build-A-Bear

Brynnlee was so worried about Logan being alone when he was buried so I came up with the idea to go to Build A Bear and have Brynnlee and Brody make a bear for Logan to be buried with. We also got them one to go with it. I am so glad we did that Brynnlee LOVED it and they both got to kiss the heart that went inside of it, it was a really sweet experience. Meet Daddy bear, Josie (Logan wanted a little girl named that), and Tuff (Logan wanted to name Brody that)